I want you to want me

Many thanks to vivacious for the great header.

I Want you to Want me

By

Cheap Trick – 1979.

Unsettled feelings accompanied the start of the new year of 1979 as I pondered the rapidly approaching end of my twenties. I knew my Mum loved having me live at home still and much as I stayed out a lot, we still enjoyed a social life together. But I knew deep down this wasn’t what I wanted or needed for the future and felt somewhat disturbed I’d allowed myself to slip into what was a fairly comfortable yet uninspiring routine.

Maybe I was just lazy and lacking the confidence to venture outside the safety of my teaching job and now quite established relationship with David. There’s always been a feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and myself; something I’m not sure is innate or brought about by circumstances. Maybe I should have taken stock and done something about it, but making changes isn’t so easy when you’re older and all the people around you have settled down with partners or started a family.

There was no doubt I wanted to be loved by someone special, to be wanted and treasured, but my cynical nature concluded this was the stuff of the many romance novels I read at the time. David’s temperament was different; he was more practical and down to earth, seeing things far more in black and white than I ever could. He took it as read we were in love and saw no reason why we shouldn’t get married. I was not totally convinced, but then uncertain feelings were ones I was by now very familiar with. I couldn’t see how anything better was going to come my way, but at the same time wasn’t ready to make a firm decision, particularly when commitment would mean taking on the added role of a stepmother.

Maybe I should have voiced more of my concerns at the time; David in his practical and down to earth way didn’t see Louise as a problem and just assumed we’d get along fine and there’d be no animosity. For the most part we were good friends and I had no intention of attempting to take over from her real mother or try to establish myself high on the list of her favourite people. We’d rub along together and I thought that would be enough; my knowledge and understanding of the difficulties faced by step parents and children was limited and there was no one around at the time to give me advice or discuss how these things should be handled.

Life at school was still very time-consuming but often good fun. I’d established firm friendships with some members of staff and had a particularly good relationship with a male teacher called Jeff. There was something unique and very special about our friendship. We shared a very similar sense of humour; our rapport often had staff meetings in hysterics and our private jokes frequently had us giggling uncontrollably through assembles or what became known as our Tuesday sessions with balls. ie. Games lessons when he’d take all the boys and I’d coach the girls. We were on yard and dinner duty together and both possessing flair for display were often sent to the local library to help with exhibitions or given time off from teaching to decorate the school. We’d send children to deliver silly notes and chronic little poems to each other during lesson times, which often brightened up a dull day. Ours became a very close and affectionate relationship.

What was missing from my life and what I needed most was actually staring me in the face, but I just didn’t see it at the time. No, not Jeff himself; there was nothing romantic or sexual about our relationship and besides he was quite happily married. When people list a good sense of humour as a top priority in their quest for a partner, the importance of that quality should never be dismissed. Being with someone who constantly made me laugh brought out my own quirkiness and made me happy, but it just didn’t occur to me how important that aspect of a relationship was.

At the end of the summer term Jeff left the school to take up a post in a special school. It was then I began my career as school poet, after being asked to write a poem about him to be read at his leaving party. In the years that followed I wrote very many poetic tributes for staff departures, weddings and special occasions and was probably unaware how writing had always been an essential part of my life.

I moved into Jeff’s old classroom for the start of the next school year which was mildly comforting, but I really missed Jeff and the fun times we shared. I was to discover things about Jeff a few years later which I would never have believed, but nothing ever detracted from my affection for him or altered my opinion. He’s not had an easy life since then but I’m always pleased to hear from him or bump into him occasionally. Some people we never forget and for me, Jeff is one of them.

Of course there was the annual trip to the Isle of Wight with Mum and Boo plus a summer holiday to Wales with David and a couple we were friends with. David was sullen and grumpy to start with as Louise didn’t accompany us; I guess he felt guilty about leaving her and she’d been upset about it. I did my best to understand and lighten his mood; I’ve always had a habit of trying to smooth out situations which I’ve felt responsible for, when in actual fact I should sometimes just let people sort out themselves and view them for what they really are, not what I’d like them to be. But as I’ve said before, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

A new classroom and more flowers at the end of the school year – July 1979.