Ch 1: Cheap Insults & Old Doritos

“Her every word was in italics
As it fell from her lips
Made of broken promises
He hoped this wouldn’t be his.”

“So do you think he actually likes me?”

“For the thousandth time YES.”

“But he can’t, I mean I’m so not perfect. How could he possibly ever like me I. . . . . . . “

And on she drones. Why do you do this to yourself?

Because she’s my best friend, and if I didn’t she’d make herself implode from not talking.

That’s not answering my question. She may be your best friend, but I’d let her blow!

That’s harsh.

Why are you talking to yourself?

“EARTH TO KAT! Answer me. . .”

“Listen to me Jess, you’re perfect, you always do this so you should know by now that he likes you! In fact he’s probably thinking of you right now as he wanks off to a poster of Jessica Simpson.”

“HEY! Are you implying that I’m a blonde idiot?!”

“Sorry! Correction, a brunette Jessica Simpson.”

“AWWWWW! You think! Oh, thanks Kat. I love you, you always know how to talk me out of being crazy.”

“Yeah. . .”

“And you wanna know somet. . .”

No. . .

“Oh, look at the time, mom’s calling, good luck! Bye!”

Lier!

Hey at least it got me off the phone.

You’re pathetic! You really need to meet a guy you know.

Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about. Jess gets all the guys, I’m the supportive friend that everyone goes to. Ergo, the nickname.

Yeah, well that stupid nickname is demeaning. . .Doc. Who says that anyways, you remind me of bugs bunny. WHAT’S UP DOC?!

I don’t have to listen to this!

“I really need to quite talking to myself.”

It was Saturday night, as usual my friends all have dates to go on while I have a date with my pitbull Muffy. We curl up and watch Forrest Gump while pigging out on gummy bears and Green Tea.

I know, only in America can you find people eating junkfood and drinking something healthy because they’re trying to cut back. But in my defense, I really love green tea, AND gummy bears.

I know how pathetic this may sound but Muffy can’t get a date either, he only has one ball, and unfortunately all the females seem to want more. So, it’s always just me and Muffy, Muffy and me.

But just as I turned on the movie and Muffy got comfortable, he bolted. In my honest anxiety I ran after him and screamed,

“GODAMNIT you stupid mutt, you just leave me too!! Fine I don’t have to put up with you, I can’t watch a movie by myself!”

When I finally got down stairs, completely out of breathe, Muffy was standing at the front door that was swung wide open to reveal. . .

“Oh! You’re cheating on me with that THING! I see how it is Muffy! Fine, I hope you both run away together, lead happy lives and have many children.”

“Thanks we will loser!”

“Shut up you fag!! By the way, is that a new shade of lip gloss you’re wearing?”

I think I actually have that color too.

“Ha! Funny! It’s chapstick you shitstick!”

Hey! He made a rhyme. That’s not cool, he’s never gonna forget it.

“Whatever! It’s okay if you don’t feel ready to admit you’re sexuality yet, but just know I’ll always be here for you.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiight!

“Whore!”

“Cheap insults coming from one who likes it up the ass!”

“At least I’m not the loser spending Saturday nights with her dog!”

THAT was a cheap shot. I’m not just doing it for me, I need to help raise Muffy’s confidence. Besides, why’s he here?!

”Oh really, so then what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

He stared at me for a minute. Then we heard a very distinct. . .

“Run, Forrest, Run!”

Oh crap!

“Hey you didn’t tell me you were watching Forrest Gump!” He said running up to my room.

“I don’t remember ever asking you into my house!” I bolted up after him.

I got in my room a second after he did, just in time to see him cob my bears. If there’s one thing anyone aught to know, it’s DO NOT mess with my bears. I picked up the baseball bat (No I don’t play baseball, let’s just say I’m overly cautious.) and walked over to Matt, who was now sitting on my bed, and pointed the bat right at his crotch.

“Hand over the Gummy Bears now or I swear to god you will have a lot more in common with my dog than you already do.” I stated quite calmly.

His eyes bugged out of his head, but he never took them off my t.v. screen as he slowly handed me the bag. I took it and removed the bat sitting down on the floor.

“That just brought you to a whole new level Kat.”

“Well I’m so happy you’ve finally learned not to mess with me. Now, what do you want?”

His eyes moved from the screen to meet my wrathful gaze.

“Well, I did originally come over to ask if you had any condoms. Then I realized that you obviously wouldn’t so then I went to the store and bought some, GLOW IN THE DARK’S, WANNA SEE?!” He began pulling some out of his wallet.

OMG!! I should’ve known he’d play dirtier now.

“No!!” I yelled as I threw my hands up in obvious protest.

He put them back, “But then I realized that you insulted me today, and I told you what would happen if you insulted me again!”

He wouldn’t dare, that dirty bastard!

I choked on a bear as my eyes bugged out, “GET. . . .AWAY FROM. . . . . ME!!!”

He crawled down on the floor and got inches from my face then,

THE PHONE!

I jumped up and tried desperately to grab the phone.

“HELLO?!”

“Hey, Kat have you seen Matty anywhere?”

He he he he. . . .

I stared at him with an evil grin on my face.

“As a matter of fact Trish,”

All of a sudden his head shot up and he began making wild hand jestures. I got ‘I’ll kill you, eat you for breakfast, throw you up, and feed you to Muffy if you tell her where I’m at’, out of it all. In reply I gave him the finger.

“. . .he’s right here dying to talk to you.” He fell stiff on my bed, grabbed my stack of pillows, buried his head, pushed and began flailing around. I walked over,

What a little psycho!

“If you’re done killing yourself, or completely proving how insane you are, you’re girlfriends on the phone.” I handed him the receiver.

He ripped it from my hands, the rest that follows happens in quick procession.
“Hello?”

“Where have you been!?”

“Chill out babe, I just had to pop over here for something quick.”

“What do you mean ‘just pop over here quick’? You were supposed to be over here four hours ago! Are you cheating on me? Are you TRYING to ruin this relationship?”

“Quite acting so stupid Trish! You know I wouldn’t ever cheat on you, Jesus Christ!”

“DON’T YOU CUSS AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING! You know what…don’t bother on coming over!”

He hung up the phone and threw it on the floor. I’d turned the movie off out of the shear fact that he was wrecking a classic, which I proceeded to tell him.

“Great! I’m just pissing everybody off today!” he yelled burying his face again.

Aww, poor guy.

No BAD! Not poor, don’t give in, it’s a trick!

“Well if you weren’t such an arrogant asshole!”

“Well if you’d quite trying to help the situation by being a bitch!”

“Well if you weren’t such a fag in the first place!”

Is anyone but me seeing a pattern here?

He raised up in sudden zombie mode, his face contorted and solid red. “Well if you weren’t always such a damn . . .AHHHHHHH!”

What was that!! HA Ha ha ha ha, the great Mr. Matt Thompson can’t think of anything to say!!

“Oh, good comeback dickwad!”

“Would you just leave it Kat!” He got up and stomped around my room and turned on my stereo. Luckily there was no need to turn it up, mine was permanently set at ‘ear bursting’ capacity.

“My brother, you love her
But don't give up your instincts
Hang onto you know what
They'll be gone fast as you blink
They're trained to seduce you
Suck you dry quick as they can
They tried to reduce you
Now you're barely a man

Oh my God
How can you deny the flood
That's flowing through you

Hey you
You're saying that she's all that you desire
Liar
Hey you
You think you can throw water on this fire
Liar

It's not wrong to let go
And let the woman ride you
For fuck sake, don't lose touch
With the dog that's inside you
She wanted what you had
You bet she smelt the spore
Don't give up, fuck her up
One more time, slam that door!”

I fully realized that he was angry, and this song seemed to simply compliment his mood, in fact even when the song changed, so did he. He went from fuming red to mellow, staring out the window as to gain total enlightenment,

”Let me breathe
Let me breathe

I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not too much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?

Push you into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not too much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?

I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go.”

I walked over and shut the music off, he didn’t even look up and I infact caught myself staring.

Wow! You never told me what gorgeous green eyes he has. Look at the way his messy hair falls in his face, he looks so concerned.

You know what?! I’ve heard just about enough from you! I’ve gone through my whole highschool career without any fuzzy ‘ogling’ feelings, I’ll continue it that way!

I was just trying to help you by preventing ‘old hag’ syndrome. You know when they say if you don’t use it you loose it? Well hunny yours is flying out the window!

I’m gonna kill you!

That would be suicide you moron!

A technicality I’m willing to over look.

“Matt? You want a gummy bear?” I offered the only comfort I had.

Please say no, please say no, please say no. . . .

He slowly looked up at me with dead eyes, then he beamed and stole the bag. “Thanx Kat!” he said stuffing his mouth.

I swear this kid’s bi-polar.

I started the movie again, unable to think of a reason he couldn’t stay. We sat silently mocking every word of that movie, until it got to the part when Jenny dies. I can never hold the waterworks back on that part. I grabbed the nearest soft thing to me and sobbed. But the nearest thing I grabbed was Matt, well more like his sweater.

But, of course, I didn’t realize this.