This Woman of My Dreams

July 8th
  I dreamt about her again tonight. It was the same dream. I was chasing here trough an abandoned airport. I only saw the back of her, and she was wearing a trench coat. She also had the most brilliant red hair I have ever seen. She was running, but it was like everything was in slow motion.
  She got to the terminal door, and that’s where she stopped. She turned around, and raised her arms as if to embrace me. It was the same thing as it has always been; I look up and try to see who she is.
  Then I wake up.
  I've decided to keep this dream journal because I have been plagued by this dream for several weeks now. It is always the same thing; I never see her face when she turns around.
  I'm wondering if this dream means something. I looked up dream psychology on the Internet and it said that often dreams are our sub-conscious trying to reach us through images and events in our sleep. I wonder if that is what is happening.

July 9th
  Same dream tonight.

July 11th
  The dreams are getting more vivid. It's hard to describe, but I almost feel that I have to see her face. Maybe if I do, I will stop dreaming this.

July 15th
  A curious thing happened today. I was walking downtown, minding my own business. Then a girl walked past me. She was wearing a trench coat, and had (I swear to god) the exact same hair as the girl from my dreams.
  I watched her for a while; she was only walking a couple steps ahead of me. Then she turned and walked down an alley to our right. I looked down as soon as I reached it, but there was no one there.
  I am pretty sure my mind was just playing tricks on me.

July 16th
  The dream was different last night. I saw her face. It is hard to describe now, it is already fading out of my memory. But I just remember she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

July 20th
  I am considering seeing a psychiatrist. The dreams have been getting more vivid. I am now seeing her face every night. Also, last night she took my hand and led me outside. There was an old strip of runway, and on it a singular plane. Its propeller was running and looked like it was getting ready to take off. However, this isn't what concerns me. 
  First off, let me tell you, I'm not crazy. I'm positive that my mind is just playing tricks on me.
  But, I saw her again today. Twice. Once in the bookstore, and another in the coffee shop. Both times she was far away from me, and had her back to me. The first time, I just kept walking and hoped she would not be there when I looked again. She wasn't.
  The second time, however, I actually tried walking towards her. She stayed there for a little while, but as soon as I got within around ten feet of her, she walked away. I followed here around the corner, but she was nowhere to be seen. I looked all over the shop, but couldn't find her anywhere.
  I have my first appointment tomorrow.

July 21st
  My physiatrist’s name is Laurie. I have to admit, I was a little nervous for my first meeting. I didn't want to appear crazy at all. But she was very understanding.
  We talked for two hours about my dreams. She said that she would like to have a day to try to assess me. She said she would call me when she had the results.
  The dreams are continuing the same.

July 22nd
  Laurie called me today. She said she had come to some conclusion and would like to meet me tonight to discuss the results. Over dinner. I was a little taken aback, but I am sure that it will remain a professional meal.

July 22nd(night)
  Oh, I'm on cloud nine.
  I met Laurie at The Lions Head, one of the better restaurants downtown. First, she discussed the results with me. She said that she thinks what is happening is my sub-conscious is trying to tell me something. She that right now it is hard to say what exactly is happening, and that it would be best to wait a while and see how the dreams progress.
  We got that out of the way before the drinks even came.
  Next, we just struck up a regular conversation. She would ask me about my job, and I would do the same to her. As the night progressed, I noticed how pretty she was. And her laugh just made me break up inside.
  After the dinner, I asked how she was getting home. She said she took a cab. I offered her ride home, so she wouldn't have to spend any money on the fare. She accepted, after some prodding.
  She lives at this nice apartment building a little outside the city. I walked her to her door. We talked a little outside her apartment, mostly small talk. For some reason, our conversation drifted toward the stars. We were pointing out constellations, and having a good time. Then I noticed she was leaning on me. I put my arm around her and we sat for a while in the silence.
  I kissed her then. It was maybe the best kiss I have ever given in my life. She smiled, a warm smile that reflected exactly how I was feeling. She said she should go, and I said I should probably go too. We kissed again, and parted ways.
  I got home, and I swear to god that I haven't smiled so much in my entire life. Nothing can bring me down now.
  Tonight I wonder what I will dream about.
 
July 23rd
  Last night was heavenly, I barely got any sleep. And what sleep I did get was dream free. I’m so happy. I’m going to go meet Laurie for some coffee soon.
  Things are looking good.

July 25th
Things have never gone so bad so quickly.
Two days ago, I went to meet Laurie for coffee. I drove to her apartment to pick her up. Some lady was coming out, and let me in without having to buzz in. I went up to Laurie’s apartment, number twenty-three. I knocked on the door, and found it was open.
  Part of me wished I had not gone in, but I know it didn’t make any difference. It would have happened later anyway.
  I went inside, and it appeared there was no body there. I called her name, but there was no answer. I wondered if I should just leave, maybe she took a cab to the coffee shop. That’s when her bedroom door opened and out stepped a man.
  I instantly let out a little grunt of surprise. The man saw me and took a step back. I asked him who he was. He said it didn’t matter who he was, it mattered what the hell I was doing in Laurie’s apartment. I said I had a date with her. He laughed and punched me in the face.
  Needless to say, the rest of our little chat didn’t go much smoother than this. After he had managed to blacken one of my eyes, cut open my lip, and give me a good size gash on the side of my face; Laurie came out and stopped the fight.
  She explained calmly to me that this was her fiancé, Michael.
  I stood up then and left without a word. She followed me into the hallway, even though she was only wearing a bathrobe. She tried to say she was sorry, but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t listen. She followed me all the way out into the street, but I just got in my car and drove off.
  The drive home for me was horrible. I had never felt such anguish before. I had never had the best luck with women, and this was not the first time I had been cheated before. But never like this. I thought Laurie was different.
  I got home and went up to my apartment. That is when I knew I was unraveling for sure.
  Sitting on my easy chair was the woman.
  She no longer had the trench coat, but was wearing jeans and a white sweater instead. She sat on my chair, looking at me. I stood in my doorway, wondering if I had finally gone insane. I looked at her for a couple seconds more, but then she motioned for me to come over to her. I obeyed, like a dog.
  I kneeled down on my knees in front of her. She just looked at me knowingly. I reached out and touched her leg. It felt real. I opened my mouth to speak, but she just put a finger to my lips. I felt a strong emotion then, something like love.
  She stood up, and stretched out her arms towards me. I stood up to, and went into her embrace. I knew then what I felt was love.
  And then I did something I haven’t done for a long, long time. I cried. I cried until I felt empty. Then I looked up at her. Her eyes were green, and her hair cast a glow around her. 
  Then she kissed me.
  No one has ever kissed me like that before, and it put every other one to shame. She pulled away, and looked at me. I felt that whatever had just came out of me was now replaced by something much warmer.
  I felt tired now, and so I went to the couch to lie down. She watched over me, and put a blanket over me. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead. Then she walked out. I slept.
  I dreamed that we were leaving the terminal. The plane’s propeller was turning, slowly. I knew that it was getting ready to leave. The plane had a little ladder coming from it; I knew we were meant to board.
  All of a sudden, she was walking in front of me, onto the plane. She stepped inside. I followed her up the ladder. I reached the top and saw her looking at me, waiting. She was wearing a white dress, and it seemed that she was radiating light.
  I was ready to step on, but a woman dressed as a flight attendant stopped me. She said I wasn’t ready to board. She had Laurie’s voice. I looked past her at the woman who had lead me here. She smiled at me, knowingly, and nodded. It was then when I woke up.
  I knew what I had to do.
  I found the gun I kept in a shoebox in the closet, and took it out. It was loaded.

July 26th
  As I write this, I am getting ready to leave. I know now that I have to be insane, or there is no way I would have gotten this far. But I don’t care now; there is no going back.  I had gone over to Laurie’s apartment. This time I had to buzz up. I said I just wanted to talk, and she let me up.
  I shot her twice. The first time I missed her heart. I was almost sorry as she choked through her collapsed lung. Then I put her out of her misery.
  I got home and am preparing to leave myself. I wonder if anyone will read this when they find me. If anyone does, than you must know that you’ll never understand why I had to do this. I have to make sure I never wake up.
  I feel a hand on my shoulder now. I don’t have to turn around, because I know it’s her. I do love her. She is my angel, saving me from myself. I’m ready to leave now. I don’t need anything, except her. I can’t wait to see the horizons she has picked out for us. I admit I am a little nervous, but I know that as long as she is with me, then I will be fine. I’m going to hold her hand as I do it. And I hope that when I wake up, she is right next to me holding it still. Goodbye all. I’m going on a trip now, and I don’t expect to ever be back.