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How I see evil |
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I have always believed that there are three different levels of evil, you can agree or disagree in the end it doesn’t even matter because I'm right. Why? Because I am one of those evil. Before I tell you which one I am I will explain the three. I think we will start with the worst of the three. The worst are the ones who your parents either warn you are threaten you with like don't take candy from a stranger or if you don't behave the bad men are going to get you. They're the ones who like children and not in a good way. They're the ones who murder out of pleaser. They're the ones who look at all of you like a hunter looking for their prized twelve point buck that they can behead and put on their wall. They also don't feel when they do there evil deeds so do they fit your vision of evil? The second evil is the one I see as mild. They're the ones who KILL the first evil. They believe that those who kill for nothing but pleasure should be taken out. They believe that those who take advantage of someone sexual should have sexual organs removed in painful ways. They're the ones who unlike the others have some feelings, but beware if they feel betrayed or disrespected they will lose all positive emotions about you and their wrath can be rather deadly. They also feel nothing when the do there dark deeds because they believe they justified. I like to call them the Sweeney Todds of my evil scale. The last but not least on my evil scale are the ones who commit crimes because they feel they have no choice. Why are they on my evil scale then? Because everyone has a choice even those who have mental disease, yes it’s harder to deal with but they can chose to deal with that burden or give in. How do I know? Well, just read the title. These people are the ones who are broke, homeless, drug user, ect. They’re the ones who rob our homes and offices. They're the ones who mug use and rob convent stories and gestations. But they can also commit harsher crimes like murder or assault. Don't ever forget that those who believe they have no choice can be just as deadly. The one other thing that separates them from the other two is when they commit their crimes they feel guilt but most of them just ignore it, I mean they have no choice right? Now I suppose it's my turn to tell you where I fit in my evil scale, but you know what I think it will be more fun to let you guess. I'll tell you how I think and if you all really want to know you all can post what you think on your review. Now I have always had dark thoughts, darker than most at least. But it wasn't until over a year ago I became sick with the flu and was admitted in the hospital where I had a 104 fever for four days straight before it went down, I also had a bubble travel to my brain because of spinal tap I had received. As soon as I was admitted I passed out from the fever, I thought I was dead to be honest with you. Then I had a nightmare, the first of many that now torment me nightly. It was women and children calling out my name, they were in danger and they were asking for me to help them I woke up before I could help them. Every night the nightmares got worse. They were always the same black and white, in first person, people in need of rescuing, and I could only remember pieces of the dreams. They weren't like anything I have ever dreamed before. I could feel everything my heart racing, a person’s touch, heat, cold, anything and everything I could feel it as if it were really. For six months it was the same, people in need of my help and I was unable to do so. These dreams were unbearable I thought these dreams couldn't get any worse, until one night they did. The people in my dreams who were once begging for my help were being tourched and killed by me. I couldn't believe what I was doing in my dreams these people were innocent! I want to be a cop I'm suppose to protect the innocent not hunt them down and slaughter them like they're useless animals! This isn’t fare! I was getting use to the other ones. I was able to deal with them, push them of my mind during the day and shrug them off just like any other dream! Now this! Now this! I began sleeping even less, maybe 4 hours if I was lucky. But then thing got worse, my temper was harder to control; I was having severe headaches when I would get mad. I felt like there were two sides of me. When I would get angry and try to push down my anger my whole right side of my head would start hurting me so bad that I would have to sit down for a second or two. Then when I would get mad and let it out it would get out of control so when I tried to get back under control my left side would begin hurt just as bad as the right one would. I began imagining random people, mostly people who pissed me off, under my mercy. I would mostly just imagine slitting their throats, which is one of my personal favorites because I'm a huge Sweeney Todd fan, but some I would imagine tied up and me torturing them in terrible ways. Then I started getting use to them like I did the last set of ones. I thought "there just random people, it’s no one I know. This is normal." Ha! How pathetic I was for thinking that. After a couple of days of telling myself and convincing myself that killing unknown people is "normal" I laid my fat ugly head on my whittle pillow and shut my eyes and gentle fell asleep. "Nicole come Nicole follow me. I want you to see my house." It was Mrs. Dena my Dad's assistant manager. Everything was black and white and it was in first person, another nightmare. I grab her emotionless and tell her "Everything’s ok Mrs. Dena. I'm going to help. I'm going to save you." I pull out a straight razor. She becomes frightened, I could smell her fear, and I could see it in her eyes. Her kids came out she told them to run, she turned and with one swift move of arm I slit her thought. The next thing I know I have little pieces of her in a bucket and I'm feeding her to her dogs. I feel nothing. Nothing. I wake up sweating, frightened. How could I do this? I love Mrs. Dena she's one of the nicest people I have ever met. She also one of the most retarded people I have ever met but still one of nicest. This one frightened me so bad that day I drove myself to the mental health clinic and asked for help from one of the therapist. They said they would help me and I made an appointment for a week later. Talking about them were nice but at night when I would fall asleep the nightmares were still there and now they have gotten worse, I was killing and torturing people I knew and cared about. No no! That's not me! THAT'S NOT ME! The people I love are the most important to me, I would never...would I? No no it's not me. As days went by the nightmares got more intense I would be hanging those I knew by their hands and skin them alive, I would stab them, I would drown them, and so much worse. But then something else happened the more I talked to my therapist the more I accept my darker have and the more I liked it. I began letting it out to play more and more. The headaches were still there but only when I would push back down. I was so harsh on everyone and I would do it with a smile on my face. One of my ex friend flipped out on me one night for no reason one night he told me the next it was because he didn’t sleep the night before. Ha the little fagot didn’t sleep one damn night and he lost control that's NO excuse in my book. So I told him to fuck off and I got him fired from his job which is what he need more than anything at that time. I was in no mood for this pathetic people in lives. I knew how easy it would be to just kill them but I'm smarter than that, if I want have a career my killing ways will have to wait. I began really liking this side of me so much I just let it stay out I was tired of hiding my true self. Then one night the dreams changed once more to the ones that I have now, I still remember the first one. I was at a party, a celebration actually, for my book on the theology of Christianity just became a best seller. This one was different right away there was some color but it was dark, jerky colors like black and white were struggling with the colors. I look to my right and there she was my wife she had dark hair and hazelnut eyes. Her lushes lips mouthed I love you baby. I looked down she's pregnant with a baby boy. I can see him now dark hair and tan skin like his mother and blue eyes like mine. Everyone I know and more are at my party lifting Champaign glasses and smiling. The next thing I remember is the party over and me and my wife are getting ready for bed, when we hear a noise outside. I head towards the door but before I get there lions break through the door. I can only remember pieces of what happened next. I hear screaming she needs my help but I can't get near her. I yell for her I’m answered with cries of pain and help. I kill one with a knife and go after the others. One is eating something but I can't tell what. I stab it in the back if the neck and push it out my way. I look down it’s my wife and worse her stomach was ripped open and my unborn son is not there. I hear snaps like someone stepping on twigs I walk in the other room there's the last one and it’s feeding on my unborn son. I kill it and then run outside were my neighbors are yelling at me. There saying I brought this on myself and that it was Jesus punishing me. I still had the knife in my hands I went after them. I stabbed the wife first killing her so her husband could watch I then tortured him until I got an answer of who did this. I got one name the Christos. I awoke scared and crying. I felt like killing everyone who dared look at me wrong. The dreams are the same now people I care about are in danger they need my help but I can't help them and when they are killed I go on a killing rampage. I told my therapist about my dreams and how they frighten me but how I love day dreaming about torturing and killing people I saw unfit to live those who were doing wrong in my eyes. He told me he knows what's wrong I have a mental disorder called psychopathic disorder also known as a sociopath. I found out that day when I told my dad that sociopaths run in the family and that serial killers also run in our family. I was angry that he didn’t tell me before but I have accepted this side of me now and I actually really enjoy it my dark thoughts during the. I day dream of going around the world and killing people. Like in Congo were the men there think raping women gives the magic powers I'd love to skin them alive then hang them upside down slit there thought then gut them. I day dream of go to India and killing those who sell girls to molesters. But I fear my dreams, I think because during the day I don't feel but at night in my nightmares I can feel everything. Every little thing I feel, I hate it I've gotten use to not feeling anything. So where do you think I fit on my scale of evil. Let me know and maybe I'll tell. |
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