Unsupervised knitting needle Scenario...

Health and Safety Regulations for ‘unsupervised knitting needle’ Scenario - Volume 1 (c 1)

Part 1: Subject to the provisions of this regulation all matters on which a distinction has been made on the above mentioned article, that being a ‘knitting needle’ - one must be noteworthy of the offending article(s) location, structure, potentiality to cause harm and/or death thereof; practice applicably at the commencement of this regulation in conjunction with the scenario titled in this document.

Part 2: Ensure parties within the immediate locality of the said offending object(s) are escorted to a distance that eradicates the potential for any such parties to experience adverse effects; effects, in referring to puncturing of the skin and/or entering of an orifice and/or party or parties brandishing the offending article in a manor that is not conducive to regular everyday social rules nor to its primary function - must be conversed with using tactile language, in order to disengage them from the woeful potentials that may occur.

Part 3: If the offending article requires removal to a safer locality and requires one to either 1) arch your back 2) use lifting apparatus 3) bending of the knees 4) climbing or all four of the above, then one must consult Volume 45 (c 7) part 3(a) entitled Health and Safety - Manual Handling - Lifting Items.

Part 4: Additionally, if the offending article is within the confines of a mental hospital, occupying the communal areas where patients reside, one must first assess from a distance that embraces foremost safety towards oneself; possibly within a structure where patients cannot access; and duly observe any actions from patients that are either violent with the offending article, either to themselves or others or harbouring the offending article in a sexually suggestive manor. This is warranted as an emergency and the appropriate bodies would need to be called upon, namely the security.

Part 5: If the offending article is found to be ‘not of this earth’ through a mass spectrometry analysis - identifying unknown compounds, then it is wholly considerate that the Home Office and prominent scientists must be notified of this new molecular structure taking on the appearance of a knitting needle. Its explanation could present itself as a kind of Trojan horse sent down from a massively intelligent race of alien beings looking to intercept our way of being through ordinary, everyday objects. A state of national emergency would not be uncommon in such a scenario.