What Works For You

What Works For You

         Bipolar disorder according to wikipedia, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels , cognition, and mood and one or more depressive episodes.  Individuals who experience manic episodes or elevated mood , also commonly experience depressive episodes.  Or in the case of someone like me you are fortunate enough to experience mixed episodes which feature both mania and depression at the same time with little breaks of  “normal mood”  in between.

         Bipolar disorder is the most severe form of mental health.  This disorder contains episodes of reoccurring mania and depression.  If left untreated, a person with bipolar disorder has a 15% chance more than the average person of dying from suicide.  It is the third leading cause of death for people ages 15-24 and the sixth leading cause of death for people between the ages of 15-44. ( Internet Mental Health-Bipolar I Disorder).  I believe that just because now you have bipolar disorder does not mean your life is over.  You can live a life that is worth living and be happy, content, and fulfilled.  If you take the right steps and stick to the right treatment that works for you then you will be successful.

         My name is Teasha and I am living with bipolar disorder.  I unfortunately have the most severe form of bipolar, bipolar I.  I was 12 years old when I received this diagnosis and 32 when I decided to get help.  The journey I took was long, hard and complicated.  I had no idea what I was up against.  You see, my mom is bipolar as well and it has all but taken any kind of life she could have had.  Her choices to not stay on medication and to soothe herself with illegal drugs and alcohol as well as her choice to refuse any type of help from family, friends, doctors, ect.  has left all alone in a dingy musty one bedroom apartment.  She lives on cigarettes, tequila, drugs and the occasional burger.  Her apartment smells of old urine and rotting food. Maggots live in her garbage and cat box. She just sits there and wastes away.  She chooses to refuse anyone’s help and alienates the ones who help her anyway.  I often wondered what was wrong with her.  Why was she this way?  I didn’t realize at the time, what was causing her suffering was also going to be causing mine. 

         One year ago on April 11, 2009 I also chose.  I wanted to end my own life and the disaster that I had made of it.  I burned every bridge I had.  I used people up until they had no more to offer.  I was a drain on everyone and everything I touched.  I was unable to function.  My mind always felt as though it never shut off and I couldn’t stop the thoughts from whirling around in my head like the water in the toilet bowl.  I felt as though I should have been in the toilet myself.  Nothing I ever did was good enough and everything was out of control.  Easter Sunday of last year was the day I tried to end it all only this time it almost became permanent.  I had used my last life line.  The choice was now mine and mine alone to make was I going to be like my mother or was I going to do whatever it took at what ever cost to help myself.  I chose the latter.  The last year of my life has been the most difficult of all however the steps that I took and the steps that I take everyday mostly bring me one more day of happiness and satisfaction and very seldom the days of  “crazy lady” thoughts and confusion. I wish someone would have told me what to do.  Where do you go once someone tells you that you are sick and will be forever.  Well I think that if you are able to educate yourself and take the necessary steps that you also do not have to end up like my mother.

         In order for anyone to truly understand this disorder you need to know what the causations are for it and be aware of the devastation it causes.  Bipolar disorder is usually genetic.  Children with one parent with the disorder have a 25% chance of also having bipolar disorder and those with two parents with bipolar have a 25%-50% chance of being bipolar. (Internet Mental Health- Bipolar I Disorder). Environmental and psychological situations also play a role.  Environmental triggers can be child birth or a family death as well as something as simple as sleep deprivation,  Major life stress events like a divorce or loss of a job can also trigger mania that will start the cycle of bipolar disorder.  The rule of thumb is that you must be prepared for a manic episode to occur without warning.

         Findings from the Stanley Bipolar Network, based on surveys of outpatients at participating clinics, say only 1/3 of their patients were currently married, 1/3 single, and the rest were separated, divorced or widowed.  Despite the fact that 90% had high school diplomas and 1/3 had completed college almost 65% were unemployed and 40% were on disability or welfare.

         Unfortunately, with bipolar  disorder comes co morbidity - common mental disorders that accompany bipolar disorder.  Most of the time the individual has eating disorders, inappropriate sexual behavior, ADHD, impulse control issues, substance abuse as well as Autism and Tourette’s disorder.  Most common though are migraines, thyroid illness, obesity, type II diabetes, and cardiovascular disease.  I am fortunate enough to be a recovering alcoholic and addict ,as of one year ago.  I also have thyroid illness and ADHD. 

         There are several steps for which you most likely will need to go though in one form or another in order to achieve success.

         First and foremost you must receive a diagnosis.  This is one thing most people choose not to do.  They are mostly afraid to find out the truth.  It can be a very scary thing to have to acknowledge that there maybe a reason why you are having dramatic mood swings-from extreme highs to extreme lows- with little or no explanation.  There could possibly be a name for the monster that doesn’t allow you to sleep or eat for days, for the restlessness, bursts of energy, racing thoughts, poor judgment and thoughts of suicide. 

         If and when you do decide to seek help for the insane crazy spinning in your head then you must find a doctor that you trust to go over these symptoms.  It requires honesty and the desire to feel better-something most bipolars don’t have.  Most bipolar people have a hard time getting this done because that requires that you take the initiative to do something about your life.  To be able to focus on the issues and stick with it even if you start to feel better, which almost always happens, before you are able to make it in to the doctor.  It is easy to deny that there maybe a problem especially when you start to feel normal. You start to wonder if you really are crazy because 3 days ago you thought your life should just come to an end and today the sky is blue and full of rainbows.  It is frustrating as well as confusing.  To be able to admit that you have a problem or that you think that you might  is embarrassing for most people let alone those who are just trying to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

         Once you have admitted that there is something wrong and you have spoke with your doctor you find out that you have bipolar disorder- Ok what do you do now??  If you have gotten this far then you must desire a better quality of life.  Anything better than what you may be experiencing now.  The next step will be medication and therapy. 

         Finding someone you trust.  Being honest with them and yourself can be the hardest part of this process.  It is something that most bipolar people are almost incapable of.  Most of us, without even realizing it are habitual liars.  Not about most things.  Just the things that pertain to us, how we are feeling, what are personal thoughts are, ect.. Most of the time you  may not even realize what is wrong.  It might be a family member or friend who notices these symptoms.  Which will make it even harder.  Just remember. honesty is crucial as well as the right support system if you plan to conquer and control your mental disability. 

         Once you have a therapist and a psychologist in place the real fun begins.  Something I like to refer to as the medication roller coaster.  It will take months if not a year or more to find the right dose’s and combination of medication that will work for you.  This alone can and will discourage most bipolors from seeking help.  The side effects of medications alone can create enough of a battle that people with bipolar disorder often give up here.  I mean who wants to continue to take and try new medications that are making you too sick to function or too tired to get up and be present in your life?  Not me!!  That’s for sure.  Also the lack of the medication working, not working enough, or working too much is a concern that most people have.  Your mind is already racing with thoughts and questions, do you really need to fight with your medication just to feel better?  Yes!!  If you are able to stick out these months and remember that you need and want to feel better, be better, and  be more, then this roller coaster has no chicken line.  You must ride it the whole way through.

         After the diagnosis and medication has started you will now need to form an honest relationship with a therapist.  This person will be the one who can help you to learn about your disorder.  She can be there when the ups and downs of bipolar begin and teach you the coping skills necessary to survive in the world on an everyday basis. She can help you make your way through the battlefield in your mind.  You need someone that has no bias or stake in you or your future.  Someone who is not afraid to hospitalize you if necessary to prevent you from destroying everything valuable in your life.  You have to learn to trust that this person has your best interests at heart.  This process requires patients.  You must be willing to be assertive and forthcoming.  Learn to be your own best advocate.  If you are not comfortable with the theapist you have selected then don’t be afraid to move on.  Did you marry the first man that came into your life?  Well maybe, but not most of us.  Most of us had to try on a few to find the person that fit us just right.  The same applies for therepy.  I, for example,  am on my fifth therapist in the last 6 years.  I know it sounds crazy but I am not sharing my personal business with just anyone.  It must be somebody that I am relaxed and comfortable with.  Someone who sees me for me.  Not for my disability.  Don’t be afraid to speak up and help yourself.  I promise it will be worth it.

         Now that you have started to learn about bipolar and what it means for you, you must start to accept this disease.  Learn to own it and make it your own.  This part of treatment is often the hardest because we bipolars don’t want to work on ourselves, especially alone.  If there is no there to hold us accountable for the work that is to be done, most likely we don’t and won’t do it.  You must find the strength within yourself to want to continue this process.  You are worth this fight and you must remember that.  To give up now would be ludicrous.  In order for you to keep moving in this positive direction you must accept you for who you are and embrace it.

         This part of treatment is my favorite one.  You need to find what works for you when you want to scream.  You will learn coping skills from your therapist. You will learn breathing techniques and how to journal.  What happens when those things are not working?  Find what works for you.  For me it is gardening.  I never even knew I like to garden until I was diagnosised with bipolar.  My mind races and my heart pounds, I can’t catch my breath, I am hot,  and I have the shakes.  I have taken the medication, I have done the breathing exercises and I even have yelled in my journal but yet my head is still spinning out of control.  What do I do?  I go out to my garden and take a deep breath, look up at the sky and suddenly my chest starts to relax and my breaths become easier.  I am able to focus a little more and appreciate the beautiful flowers. I realize that I can get this episode under control and it is going to be okay.  This is by far not a full proof plan but it is nice if you are able to find something in your world that reminds you of how lucky you are to be alive and that you can get through this mania cycle.  It will be ok.  If for some reason you have not been able to find this “something” that can help you on your own, its just fine.  Don’t be afraid to call family or friends.  I call my therapist from time to time.  I have her on speed dial.  I am just more comfortable talking with her instead of family.  But that’s what works for me.

         Lastly I think the most important tool to staying in treatment is a strong support system.  Yes I am talking about parents, grandparents, friends, and any other relative you can think of but I am also talking about your professional friends.  You need to have an unbiased support so that if and when you start to spiral out of control they can stop you no matter what the cost.  You must understand once a bipolar patient hit’s a manic phase they can and will most likely lose everything without the proper support.  Their family, friends, job, money, house, kids you name it a bipolar person is capable of losing it.  Don’t let this be you. 

         Bipolar individuals can be just as successful as the next person you just have to know what works for you and don’t be afraid to embrace it.  What you have in your life is worth taking care of yourself for. Follow the steps to the best of your ability and you can be a mother of two full time, a full time student, and on the PTA.  You can have it all!

         I have been receiving treatment for one year and two months.  I am no where close to being where I want to be in my life but I am no where close to the helpless, child like woman I was then.  I would never go back to the insanity that once was my life. 

         I forget some days to take my meds or to journal but I just hop back on the horse and continue the next day.  I am present and functioning in my children’s lives.  I wake up and take a shower daily.  Brush my teeth.  All an accomplishment.  Take pride in the little things you do.  For us every little inch of success counts.  I feel as though there is something in my life that matters to me.  A reason to continue.  I am still unable to hold a job but I will soon.  I still have days where getting out of bed feels impossible but I do.  I keep a picture of my children on the nightstand so that when I feel down I look at them and remember today is going to be a good day.  Maybe not great but good.  I keep my mind busy.  I take care of my kids all day and go to school 5 nights a week and Saturday mornings.  I garden and write.  Sometimes it is overwhelming but at least I don’t have time to let my mind wonder.  But most of all,  for the first time in 33 years I am happy.  Maybe not always rainbows and butterflies happy, but happy.  After all, at the end of the day isn’t happiness what it’s all about?















Works Cited

Long, Phillip W.  “Internet Mental Health.”  Bipolar I Disorder  1995-2005

         http://www.mentalhealthcom/dis/p20-md02.html.

 

McManamy, John.  “Health Central - BipolarConnect.com.”  Recovery Is A Journey.  2005-2010.

         http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/living-well-196345-5-3.html



S. Amanda. “Speak And Be Heard”  Bipolar Depression Success Story.  2009.

         http://www.speakaboutbipolardepression.com/



“Stanley Medical Research Institute”  Bipolar Statistics.  2009.

         http://www.stanleyresearch.org