Your Name

My first born child will bear your name, yes i will name it after you
and it will haunt me every day just like you already do
calling it out will make my body cringe, my heart drop
but secretly i guess i dont want it all to stop
my self-destructive and torturous behavior will serve a purpose one day
its better standing up to it then living life afraid
afraid of the choices and mistakes i willingly made
afraid of what tomorrow holds in store and how my dues will be repaid
what a beautiful mess ive made.

My first born child will bear your name and wont grow up like you did
but instead, completely opposite
i laugh from the irony just at the thought of it
doesnt that just make you sick?
sick like how ill get when i have to call its name
How the syllables will roll off my tongue and soar out my mouth, nervously high-pitched and out of tune,
ha but i did this to myself so i should have known what this would do
that giving it your name would flood me in the past,
ill never get away from it like that!
Then suddenly it all comes together: maybe i dont want to
i dont want to forget you.
i want my soul to grieve you when i call it out
i want to be reminded of what im struggling to live without
i want to go through the pain of tragic memory to maybe feel an ounce of what you felt
i want to suffer alone to be reminded that i never offered you help
and then eventually time will pass and i will die
with that child by my side,
along with the the only thing i had left to keep you in my life.