Hurting

“I’m not hurting anybody but myself.”

Those words taint the air around me
Thick, black, stifling

I remember my sister
With dirt on her face and fear and tears and confusion
Her small cheeks red with hunger

And I knew then like I know now
That’s never true
And I take her hand and I lie
I tell her it’s all going to be alright

Even though I didn’t know how
And I can’t believe anything is ever going to be okay again
And it wasn’t
Not for a long time

And I remember pushing the dresser in front of our bedroom door
Because it had to be heavy enough to keep them out
With their glazed eyes
And wandering hands

And we slept in the closet
And my dirty hands held food from the big green dumpster behind that fast food place
Because if you get the food when they throw it out it's not so bad

“I’m not hurting anybody but myself.”

And I heard you coming
So angry, so far gone everything was the enemy

And I remember stiletto heels digging into my back with a steady rhythm
And the blood on the counter, the floor
Pooling into grimy tile grooves
From my split lip, from my tooth, from that ridge below my eyebrow

I remember my sister
With dirt on her face and fear and tears and confusion
Crying on my chest
Praying to a god that couldn’t hear us
That I wasn’t dead

And I moved my hand to her hair
And I told her it was going to be alright
Even though I didn’t know how
Because we were together.