Dudley Dursley & the Sorcerer's Stone 1

Chad and Jeeves present:

Dudley Dursley and the Sorcerer's Stone - Part One

A Potter Parody starring the fattest kid in Britain!

Chapter 1 - The Fattest Kid in Britain

    The Dursleys of Number 4 Privet Drive were very ordinary, thank you very much. It’s too bad their children weren’t. Vernon Dursley and his wife Petunia hardly ever stood out amongst the other like-minded denizens of Surrey, England, but as unspectacular in appearance as they were, they were beginning to gain an unflattering reputation because of their son Dudley. Luckily, their other child, Harry, was loved by the entire town.
    In truth, Harry was the Dursleys' nephew, but he was still cherished much more than his cousin. Whereas Harry excelled at everything from the time he came to the Dursleys' house ten years ago (almost like magic!), Dudley was fat and craved only his next meal. Just how Harry arrived at the Dursleys’ residence, and why, is a widely discussed issue in Privet Drive, but as Harry says, “I was too cool for my parents.”
    But he wasn’t too cool for the Dursleys, who loved their nephew greatly. Harry had the best birthdays, best education, best meals, and the best life of any boy in Surrey. He had a large bedroom all to himself, an additional room set aside for his plethora of toys and games, and every other room in the house became his the instant he stepped into it.
    Dudley was shunted to the broom closet under the stairs. Dudley’s early childhood was riddled with the injustice of being an “inferior individual,” as he was often told. Perhaps Dudley was neglected and abused by his parents because of his poundage; he achieved the weight of a large cow by four years of age and has grown even larger ever since. Vernon and his wife tried repeatedly to reduce their son’s weight. When he was four, they took him to a doctor, but Dudley ate the doctor. When he was seven, his parents elected to get his stomach pumped, but nothing could pierce the stronghold of fatcakes, soda, and Big Macs that Dudley’s stomach had become. They tried numerous times to simply not feed their son, but this proved dangerous, for Dudley would gnaw on the furniture and even the neighbors in his desparation. Dudley simply had an enormous appetite that could rarely be satisfied, and no power on earth could make it otherwise.
    So Dudley continued to eat and eat. And he continued to suffer at the hands of the Dursleys and Harry for the first ten years of his life. Who can forget the Christmas of ’86, when Harry was ecstatic to unwrap his five new video games, brand new bicycle, toy gun (which undoubtedly found a large and fearful target), skateboard, and television. Harry’s heart filled with glee as he observed Dudley open his single present – dog biscuits, though Dudley devoured them nonetheless. And the following year, when Harry had his seventh birthday, Dudley was confined to his closet so as to not embarrass Harry in front of his friends. The closet was Dudley’s best friend, aside from the fridge. Although it was small and dark and cold, it also allowed Dudley to escape the pains of his childhood. School was dreadful, for the children either bullied him or feared he would eat them. Despite this, Dudley liked people and was friendly and kind to all who would share his company. He dreamed about being surrounded by lots of friends and of being popular like his cousin, even though he had no friends.
    But Dudley's life was about to change!

    Summer hit Surrey quickly in '91, and all the children were looking forward to their various retreats to fun and family. The Dursleys were planning to kick off the summer with a trip to the zoo; even Dudley was looking forward to it, as he was actually being allowed to go. It all started after Aunt Petunia got off the phone with one of the neighbors.
    "Bad news, Vernon," said Aunt Petunia that first Saturday morning. "Mrs. Figg says she can't take Dudley today."
    "What? Why not?!" yelled Uncle Vernon as he sat in his armchair reading the news. He was a porky man, much like his son, but he considered himself to be "just the right weight."
    "She says she's run out of food," said Aunt Petunia exasperatedly. "She's afraid the boy will eat her. It looks like he'll have to come with us to the zoo."
    Harry looked up from the dining table. "No! I hate riding with him in the car! He takes up too much space! Make him stay home!"
    "And rob our refridgerator? I don't think so!" yelled Uncle Vernon, his eyes peering above his paper. He spotted Dudley coming out of his closet.
    "I promise I'll try to suck in my stomach if you let me go!" exclaimed Dudley. He loved the zoo. "Please let me go!"
    "No! I don't want him to go!" yelled Harry, and he banged his fists on the table. "It's my birthday week-end, and what I say goes!"
    Truthfully, Harry's birthday was a solid three months away, but the Dursleys loved Harry so much, they celebrated it every month.
    Aunt Petunia began to tap the kitchen counter and think. "Maybe we could drive the pick-up. Harry could sit up-front and Dudley could ride in the back or something."
    Harry objected still, but nevertheless, Dudley was soon lying in the back of a pick-up truck as the family departed the neighborhood for the zoo.
    The zoo trip got off to a rocky start when the staff mistook Dudley for an escaped animal. Although Dudley was vehemently trying to explain that he was human, his mouth was so full of various desserts that the zookeepers couldn’t understand him and thought he was dangerous. The Dursleys did nothing to correct the zookeeper as they attempted to separate themselves from Dudley, but luckily Dudley managed to swallow and speak up.
    The family was able to arrive at the zoo just before the usual rush of visitors, and they therefore quickly moved to the exhibits without interference, though some of the more narrow pathways were obstacles for Dudley. It was overall a very enjoyable morning, and the Dursleys had visited every location except for the reptile house all before lunch. Harry was very excited to see the various snakes in the reptile house, but they decided to first order something to eat.
    "What would you like to eat, Harry?" asked Uncle Vernon fatherly. "Anything you want."
    "Ugh, I hate zoo food," complained Harry.
    "Could I have something to eat, Dad?" asked Dudley.
    A vein began to pulse dangerously in Vernon's temple, and a shadow spread over his face. "Boy! What have I told you about calling me that in public?!"
    "But you are my dad!" cried Dudley.
    "But do you think I want anyone to know that?" yelled Vernon loudly; heads were beginning to turn in their direction. "Besides, we're nothing alike! You have more in common with some of these animals than anyone here!"
    By now, Harry was laughing, Vernon was purple in the face, and Aunt Petunia was at a distance, evidently embarrassed to be seen. Some of the onlookers appeared concerned, others humored.
    "Um," stuttered the employee at the register, "what could I get you, sir?"
    "I'll have a pizza slice, Uncle Vernon," said Harry.
    "Just that then," said Uncle Vernon roughly to the employee. Dudley opened his mouth, as if to speak, but then closed it and instead looked hungrily at the onlookers, some of whom who recognized him and retreated.
    The Dursleys payed and then walked from the cafe to the reptile house. Harry threw his pizza crust into a nearby exhibit and rushed into the building. Vernon and Petunia contented to remaining outside, so Dudley followed his cousin into the building alone.   
    It was dark and eery inside; Dudley was glad that the snakes were behind their glass walls, because they were looking straight at him. Dudley walked along the wall away from the glass as he went deeper into the house. He spotted some of the more dangerous snakes farther in, snakes of all colors and varieties, but they too looked at Dudley. A great green snake, the Boa Constrictor, was coiled around a tree behind its glass, and it particularly seemed as if it was going to attack.
    A hissing sound came from behind, and Dudley swiftly turned to see a snake lunging at him. He jumped (or rather, his feet almost left the ground and his flab gave a few wiggles) and gave a girly shriek, but it was only the stuffed snake the Dursleys had bought for Harry. Harry came into sight and laughed hysterically. "You're such a dork!"
    Harry smacked Dudley in the stomach. "You never could have outrun the snake if it was real."
    Dudley got angry and tried to shove Harry, but Harry stepped back and stood against the boa's cage, which looked at Harry with distaste.
    "I bet this boa constrictor would love all your fat!" Harry taunted.
    "Shut up!" shouted Dudley.
    "Oh yeah?" said Harry. "Make me! Come on, Big Mac! Or are you not able to walk this far?"
    Dudley yelled and, to Harry's surprise, ran straight towards Harry full-speed. Harry tried to move out of the way, but as if in slow motion, Dudley collided with Harry and smashed him right through the boa's glass prison. Glass shards flew everywhere as Harry fell over the edge of the boa's place and into the pond within. Dudley landed on top of Harry, who cushioned his fall magnificiently, and got up quickly, scared about what had just happened. The boa constrictor had been launched into the air by the force of the impact, but it came down next to Harry and hissed angrily.
    "Aaaaaagh!" screamed Harry (also a considerably pathetic and feminine shriek), but Dudley's weight seemed to have paralyzed him, or else the snake's gaze had petrified him. But the snake instead turned towards Dudley and licked its lips and eyed the excess amounts of fat that Dudley's enormous body provided. Dudley ran as fast as he could to the exit, but the snake easily was catching up with him. Dudley kept running, but the boa passed him by and turned to face him.
    "Harry, help me!" cried Dudley, but the great Harry Potter had fainted.
    The snake was slithering towards Dudley as he backed into a dead-end hallway, cornered. He looked feverishly for a way out, but the snake blocked the only exit that Dudley could fit through. The boa constrictor lunged and knocked Dudley down, but just then, the zookeepers arrived on the scene! The boa constrictor fleed and tried to escape, but the zoo keepers shot it and captured it.
    Dudley lay there with his face to the floor, his heart racing madly, and thankful for this miracle. He heard one of the zoo keepers notice him.
    "Hey! There's somebody over there! And he's fallen over!"
    Dudley waited for the staff to try and help him up, but none came. He looked up and saw them helping Harry up and out of the reptile house ("It'll be okay, son..." "You're so very brave!..." "We'll take you to your parents and buy you something to eat..."). He thought someone else would notice him too, but the zoo keepers all departed, and so Dudley got up and walked outside to the Dursleys, glad he was still alive.
    The car ride home was a loud one. The Dursleys were enraged to discover that a snake had escaped, but they were incredibly relieved that Harry (they hadn't even noticed Dudley; they almost left without him) was okay. Harry was giving a full account of how he had single-handedly thrown the snake away from him.
    "....and it wrapped its great ugly body around me and tried to squeeze me to death, and I was just barely able to pry it off of me and throw it against the wall!"
    The Dursleys decided that they would cheer Harry up by buying him some more expensive toys and taking him out to dinner. They dropped Dudley off at home before they went.
    "And don't you dare eat anything out of our refridgerator or touch any of the furniture or play with Harry's toys!" yelled Uncle Vernon. "You just go straight to your closet for the rest of the day!"
    So Dudley went straight into the house and obediantly went to his closet, his heart heavy. He tried to go to sleep but was unsuccessful, still shaken by the day's events. When he at last did fall asleep, he was woken up by the sounds of the Dursleys noisily pulling into the garage and slamming the car doors. They entered the house and Harry loudly and boastfully opened up his new presents while Uncle Vernon flipped on the TV to his favorite soap. Dudley tried to come out of his closet, but the door wouldn't open; one of them had locked his door. So he sat in the closet and peeked through the cracks in the door to see a glimpse of the family chowing down on the leftovers from dinner.
    Understandably, Dudley was very sad that night, still trapped in his closet. Little did he know that the next week would change his life forever. 

Chapter 2 - Keeper of Keys and Crappy Cakes

    Dudley wasn't allowed out of his closet for all of Sunday; the Dursleys were quite glad to not have his company, so they kept him locked up while they lavishly enjoyed the rest of the week-end. But by Monday morning, the roar of Dudley's stomach was too much to ignore. The Dursleys spent the morning trying to cover up the cracks in the door to drown the noise, but this proved ineffective, and by noon, Dudley's stomach was causing the entire house to tremble. Finally and reluctantly, Aunt Petunia moved away the furniture they had put infront of the door and let Dudley out. He immediately ran to the kitchen and ate.
    Uncle Vernon had decided not to go to work that morning because he was expecting a very important package. Although the Dursleys were by no means a wealthy family (the food budget was too massive), Uncle Vernon loved to appear as if he was. He drove a very nice car (and tended to judge other people on what cars they drove), lived in a considerably large house (which would keep him out of retirement for all his life), and wore very nice suits. He also bought many pieces of elegant furniture and other things to decorate his house with. This time he had purchased a replica of a ship large enough to where it was clearly visible from any point in his living room. The mail usually arrived in the morning, but it still hadn't shown up. Uncle Vernon was unconcerned as he ate his lunch however, attributing this to the extra care they were obviously giving to the ship's delivery. As he ate his meatloaf, he was reciting the details of his purchase to anyone who would listen, though as they had all heard this a hundred times, Uncle Vernon had trouble finding an alert audience.
    At last the doorbell rang, and Uncle Vernon hurried excitedly towards the door. As he struggled to lift the package, he was giving his worn-out speech to the uninterested mailman, who quickly departed. He had also left a number of letters at their house, mostly bills, but one of them was in a wild envelope of many flashing colors. However, Uncle Vernon was too focused on his package to give the letters a mind (that one envelope was even singing a song, but as Uncle Vernon was still plowing on about his ship, even the song went unnoticed).
    "Vernon," said Aunt Petunia, finally hearing the song as Uncle Vernon was clearing away the desk for the ship, "do you hear something?"

    "....Of dragons and hags and unicorns,
    learn all about goblins from Dumbledore!
    They kick and they thieve and they bite and they steal,
    but Dumbledore thinks they make an excellent meal!
    Come learn about wands or ride on a broom,
    and you can make a friend fly or make things go boom!
    Be taught about monsters from Hagrid the Troll!
    Be quiet and listen or he'll make heads roll!"

    Then the letter shot a rainbow of miniature fireworks and sang "Join us at Hogwarts!"
    Everyone backed away from the letter; Aunt Petunia clutched her heart.
    "Letter bomb!" screamed Harry.
    "No, it's not!" said Aunt Petunia slowly. "Oh my god, Vernon! It's finally happening!"
    "Wait, it's addressed to me!" said Harry, and they all approached the letter, which burped. Harry stood in front of it, unsure of whether or not to pick it up, so Aunt Petunia did. The letter protested ("I'm warning you! I bite!"), but she opened up the envelope and pulled out several folded pieces of parchment. The empty envelope stood up and faced them, and the Dursleys instinctively dragged Dudley in front of them, but it only caught fire and disintegrated ("Oh my god! What's happening to me!..."). While Dudley began trying to grill a sausage over the fire, Aunt Petunia held up the first piece of parchment.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL
of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY 

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, 8x Winner of Longest Beard Award)

    Dear Mr. Potter,
          We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School
    of Witchcraft and Wizardry for your obvious magical ability, charming looks,
    cheritable spirit, and humble character. Please find enclosed a list of all neccesary
    books and equipment.
          Term begins September 1st, though we wouldn't want someone as great as
    yourself to feel rushed, so arrive at King's Cross whenever and at your leisure.
   
    Yours sincerely and for all of eternity,
    Minerva McGonagall

    Minerva McGonagall
    Deputy Headmistress


    The Dursleys stared at the letter for a few seconds, and then Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia broke into an excited applause.
    "Congratulations, my little king of the universe!" said Aunt Petunia affectionately.
    "You'll show them wizards up, won't you, Harry m'boy!" said Uncle Vernon. But Harry was confused, though the letter's flattery pleased him.
    "What is this?" he asked.
    "Well, Harry, you're a wizard!" said Uncle Vernon.
    "We always knew you would be, you know," said Aunt Petunia. "For years your uncle and I have debated about sending you to school."
    "But obviously these people can see just how amazing you are," said Uncle Vernon, "so it looks like you should go."
    Dudley was also interested in this school. "Can I go too, Dad?"
    Uncle Vernon's fatherly smile vanished. "Well, there doesn't seem to be a letter for you, now is there?" he said coldly.
    "Why would they want something like you?" laughed Aunt Petunia.
    Vernon, Petunia, and Harry all began cracking up and insulting Dudley. "They probably don't even have any desks big enough for him!" snorted Harry.
    "And how on earth would they feed him?" screamed Aunt Petunia with mirth.
    But at that very second, something completely bewildering occured. The floor began to shake as if a small earthquake was happening, and a thunderous voice boomed from just outside their house, quieting the Dursleys instantly.
    "A GIFT FER THE GREA' HARRY POTTER!"
    And a large clump of rock about the size of a soccer ball soared through the window in the front door and across the room and smashed into Uncle Vernon's brand new ship, shattering it to pieces and leaving a huge dent in the wall behind it. Uncle Vernon yelled and ran to his ship, but it was utterly destroyed, remnants of if its masts and hull and other finely crafted parts ridden all over the living room.
    Uncle Vernon kneeled and bowed over his fallen ship, which had cost him a couple thousand pounds. Then he got up and took a long metal bar that stood beside the fireplace and went outside roaring.
    Uncle Vernon looked outside for the attacker for an hour, but he found no one. When he came back in, he talked to nobody, and nobody talked to him. Uncle Vernon's rages were terrifying, and he was especially enraged now. He stayed silent for the rest of the day and cleaned up his ship. He spent another three hours in his garage, trying to glue it back together, but it was no use, and he only became more frustrated and maddened. He went to bed early, and no one made the slightest noise all night.
    Tuesday morning came, and Uncle Vernon woke up a bit calmer. He still phoned the police about the incident and had taken to muttering to himself about his suspicions and about the ship, but he was also continuing his praise of Harry again. Uncle Vernon was most upset about the attacker having mentioned Harry; he and Aunt Petunia were afraid that Harry might be in danger, and their optimism about Hogwarts was diminished slightly. Neither of them were paying Dudley any mind at the moment, even when he had been standing right next to the ship when the rock came through the window (it's very likely they were disappointed that he wasn't injured, to be honest), but Dudley prefered it like this. Atleast he could go around the house mostly without persecution. Harry was still continuing his relentless stream of insults and cruelty towards Dudley, but this was not much of a problem because Dudley was permitted outside the house whereas Harry was kept inside for his safety (the Dursleys actually locked Dudley out at one point).
    Uncle Vernon was significantly happier by suppertime and was back to continuing his usual mealtime habits, which consisted of his long monologues about the inadequate features of society. This afternoon he was addressing the teenagers in the neighborhood.
    "....and they should be kept on leashes, I say! The whole lot of 'em!.... strutting around all over our yards as if they own the block!.... and the way they wear their clothes, Petunia, you should see! Pants down low and shirts untucked!.... and their music! They have no taste! And they play it all too damn loud! I swear they'll be deaf by our age!...."
    "Oh, yes, I quite agree," concurred Petunia as she served the family helpings of lamb chops and boiled potatos. Uncle Vernon was continuing his rant while Harry looked disgustedly at the food and instead began playing his gameboy. Dudley, however, was bent down and absorbed in his fourth helping of chocolate pie, his face covered with food.
      By the late hours of the evening, the family was sitting around the fireplace in the living room, or rather, Vernon, Petunia, and Harry were sitting on the couch while Dudley was forced to act as a footrest for his cousin. All was as usual. Uncle Vernon had finished his rant about teenagers and was giving his mind on a new subject. Aunt Petunia was pretending to listen while she was tuned in to her favorite TV show on their expensive new television (another of Uncle Vernon's attempts at the fine life), and Harry was kicking Dudley out of boredom - he was unable to beat his video game.
    Suddenly, the huge voice boomed from outside.
    "ANOTHER GIF' FER THE GREA' HARRY POTTER!"
    Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and Harry all dived for the floor as another big rock-like object soared through the back window and smashed into the television. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon yelled and made to stand up, but more rocks were flying through windows, crashing into walls, the kitchen sink, the refridgerator (this time Dudley yelled), and another of Uncle Vernon's grand purchases - a tall glass cabinet housing his replica automobile collection. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon grabbed Harry and fleed to Harry's extra bedroom while Dudley cowered behind the couch. But the rocks ceased to fly, and Dudley waited a few seconds before looking up over the couch and through the broken back window. He thought he saw what looked like an enormous caveman climb over their backyard fence (which was crushed under the caveman, who was over 12 feet tall).
    A few silent minutes passed before the Dursleys poked their heads out of the bedroom. Aunt Petunia gasped and ran over to the broken television ("What did we ever do to deserve this?!") while Harry was crying over his video game system, which the television had fallen on. Uncle Vernon, however, was purple in the face and ran across the living room (he stepped on Dudley's fingers) and out the back door, carrying his preferred golf club and swinging it around furiously. But the attacker had vanished (almost like magic!). Uncle Vernon was in a rage beyond words; the loss of so many of his treasured possessions had reduced him to incoherent yelling and screaming.
    "That's it!" he roared when he came back inside, missing half of his walrus moustache and looking quite terrifying. "That's it! We're leaving! Everyone be ready to go in five minutes! GO!"
    No one dared to argue, and in five minutes time the family was driving out of their garage and down the street. Uncle Vernon was muttering madly to himself.
    "Gotta shake 'em off.... They'll never find us, and then they'll go attack someone else...."
    "Vernon," whispered Aunt Petunia eventually, "where are we going?"
    But Uncle Vernon was unreachable. He just stayed quiet and kept driving. Every now and then he would take a wild turn or drive in circles or completely leave the road. Once he almost ran over an old lady, who was missed by a couple of inches and shrieked fearfully, but Uncle Vernon seemed not to hear her. He soon landed in a school zone, where Aunt Petunia almost had plucked up enough courage to talk again when Uncle Vernon suddenly swerved to the left and rampaged straight through a playground. After narrowly missing six individual children and four babies in strollers, Uncle Vernon drove through the school's back parking lot and onto another road that let to the outskirts of Surrey. The Dursleys continued down the country road for many miles before finally stopping at a motel on the edge of Cokesworth. 
    "Unpack your bags and get inside," said Uncle Vernon shortly. While the others opened the trunk and gathered blankets and pillows, Uncle Vernon crossed the street and disappeared behind a building.
    "Ma'am, we don't permit animals of that size," said an employee as Aunt Petunia, Harry, and Dudley walked slowly inside the motel and asked for a room. He was pointing at Dudley.
    "I know it's ugly, but I promise it won't bite," growled Aunt Petunia. "Now, a room, please."
    Dudley couldn't remember a time he had felt more miserable, even considering the zoo fiasco. Aunt Petunia had packed plenty of Harry's favorite snacks, but Dudley had been denied food all day. The car trip had been horrible; Harry had been kicking him almost the entire time, and Aunt Petunia, who had been sitting in front of him, had set her seat all the way back, resulting in Dudley being barely able to breathe or move for four hours. Dudley thought he had passed out a couple of times, but none of the Dursleys had noticed or cared. Now he was trying to keep his stomach grumbling as they climbed a staircase to their dirty second-floor room; everytime his stomach made a plea for food, his Aunt Petunia smacked him across the face.         
    Uncle Vernon returned with a terrible wide grin on his face while he was struggling with several large crates; for some reason, he had chosen to climb a ladder up the second floor from the parking lot instead of taking his cargo through the lobby.
    "It cost me an arm and a leg, but these babies might just solve our little problem," he laughed with his unpleasant smile.
    "Vernon, please," said Aunt Petunia gently, "what's in those crates?"
    "Petunia, my dear, if we see any more of those bloody rocks fly through our window, everything we need to take care of our friend is right here. Don't you worry!"
    He refused to let on about what he'd gotten, so the Dursleys went to sleep.
    As it turns out, Aunt Petunia lied to the employee in the lobby. Early next morning, Dudley lost it and tried to eat the employee as he was sweeping the hall outside their room. As Aunt Petunia was trying to explain his bizarre behavior, Uncle Vernon returned from his car (after putting the crates in the trunk) to her side.
    "Sorry, dear, I parked the car across the street and all those trucks are backed up for some reason."
    He happened to be wearing his work uniform, which got the employee's attention when he noticed Vernon's nametag.
    "Oh, you're the Dursleys?" asked the employee.
    "Yes," said Uncle Vernon slowly. "Is there a problem?"
    "Oh, it's just that we've got some odd deliveries for you," said the employee with a chuckle. "Bit odd really, 'cause it started last night when about a hundred of these.... these rocks... showed up in the lobby with your name - oh, and one Mr. Potter." The employee was now laughing considerably. "We didn't wake y'all up 'cause it was late, see, but it got crazy this morning. Those trucks backed up in the street - they're all carrying rocks."
    Everyone was back in the car in a hurry, but Uncle Vernon's face, far from its usual beet color, was a ghostly white. Instead of driving back in the direction of Surrey, he was driving towards the coast, his reasons unknown, if he even had a reason. He was back to his panicked muttering.
    "Vernon, they're only rocks..."
    "Petunia, this isn't normal!" he said in a terrified whisper. He seemed to have lost his confidence from the night before.
    He drove them all day before stopping at a gas station once they reached a coastal town, where Harry and Dudley were fed supper while Uncle Vernon made a call. Dudley, starving, ate as much as he could, much to the disgust of those around him, but Harry, the little wuss, was increasingly rattled by the week's turn of events.
    "I don't think I want to go to Hogwarts anymore," he cried to his aunt, who patted him on the back.
    "Could I have some more macaroni and cheese?" Dudley asked his mother, who thumped him in the head.
    Soon they were off again, this time to a dock, where a wicked-looking old man and a desolate old boat awaited them under the night sky. He shook hands with Uncle Vernon and gave a nasty toothless grin to Harry and Dudley.
    "Argh, you boys feelin' like pirates?" he laughed cruelly. "Quite a storm out there tonight!"
    He walked over to them and exhaled his tobacco breath in their faces; Harry choked and ran to his aunt.
    "Oooh, and I'd try to not sit down too hard or lean over too far in that boat," the old man told Dudley before he left.
    Uncle Vernon motioned everyone in the boat. "C'mon crew, I've found a great spot out there!" He pointed at a rock out at sea where a creepy shack sat atop. It looked cold and miserable, especially now that it had begun to rain.
    The boat didn't look like it would make it to the rock, even Dudley was staying as still as possible. Harry kept leaning over and puking into the sea, and Aunt Petunia was covering here eyes. The wind was harsh and cold and the ocean was dark and angry. So as lonely as the shack looked, the family hurried madly out of the boat and inside, but the roof turned out to be full of holes, as did the walls. Thus it was cold and wet even as they were trying to get to sleep. They had also had to abandon some of their supplies to make room for Uncle Vernon's crates, so there were only enough blankets (twelve) for Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Harry. Dudley was lying on a couch, shivering and wondering if the caveman could have followed them here. He doubted there would've been a boat big enough for him, but he supposed if he, himself, could've fit on one, it was possible the caveman could find a boat too.
    Dudley sat up and realized something. Tomorrow was his birthday! He would be eleven years old in a matter of minutes according to his watch, which was what he'd gotten for his birthday last year. It was an old watch of Harry's that Aunt Petunia thought had been broken or died for some reason. Dudley had managed to get it to work again by replacing the batteries; Harry hadn't been smart enough to think of this solution.
    Just a minute left! Dudley wondered if he'd get a present this year. Maybe he'd get a bite of food! He thought about what he'd love the most. Visions of mashed potatos, ground beef, fried chicken, beautifully sauced ribs, Big Macs, smoked hams, sausages, and pork chops danced around his head.
    Ten seconds. Maybe a packet of barbeque sauce atleast.
    Five seconds. Maybe a peppermint?
    Three seconds. If he could just have a bite of Harry's snacks.
    Two seconds. Just a nibble....
    One.....
    BOOOOM! A loud knock rang around the shack! Someone was outside!
    "ANOTHER GIF' FER THE GREA' HARRY POTTER! AND IT'S A BIG ONE!"

Chapter 3 - Hagrid's Big Fat Mistake

    The caveman was attempting to break down the door, which was by no means a very strong door. A huge foot, the size of a young bear, came clean through the bottom of it as a huge fist smashed through the top. Then the caveman stopped attacking the door and disappeared for a second. Aunt Petunia and Harry, who had been hiding behind a couch (Uncle Vernon had gone to the back of the shack...), slowly looked over it and at the door. Nothing was there; the caveman seemed to have gone. Aunt Petunia crept slowly to the door, but right as she approached it, the caveman stuck his enormous face through the hole his fist had made. His entire face was covered with a huge shaggy lion's mane of hair and beard, and his eyes were black and narrowed at Aunt Petunia. He opened his mouth slightly and bared his horrible teeth and growled. Aunt Petunia shrieked and ran away to the back.
    "Vernon! Vernon! It's here!"
    The caveman ripped the door clean off its hinges and threw it behind him into the distant sea. Harry screamed and followed his aunt into the back. Dudley was curled into a ball and tried to appear as small as possible (yeah right), but he still poked his eyes through his outspread hands to get a look at the caveman entering the shack.
    The man standing in the doorway with a colossal rock in his hands looked less like a caveman and more like an overgrown fisherman, now that Dudley got a better look at him. Although he was nearly as wide as Dudley and four times as tall, he was wearing a giant coat that was almost too big for him. Dudley thought it could have covered Uncle Vernon's entire pick-up. It was a green raincoat with hundreds of pockets that were oddly lumpy in places. The man saw Dudley and smiled, his black eyes suddenly warm and his yellow, pointed teeth glinting. But this only made him look more frightening. Dudley screamed, but the giant chuckled and sat down on the couch.
    "So, yeh mus' be Harry!" he exclaimed, lifting up the rock, which had the words A GIF FOR THE GRATE HARRY POTTER chiseled into it.
    Harry and Aunt Petunia poked their heads out of the backroom just barely and squeaked "that's him!"
    But the giant turned around and looked behind the couch and, just before he went back into hiding, saw Harry's lightning bolt scar etched on his forehead.
    "Harry! It's you! 'Ere, take this cake I made fer yeh!" and he chunked his rock into the backroom. Uncle Vernon's voice could be heard yelling in surprise, and suddenly the sound of gunfire was heard. Uncle Vernon stepped out into the main room with a heavily upgraded M16 assault rifle pointed straight at the giant, though he was moving it around a lot, both because of his shaking limbs and because his target was so gargantuan.
    "I'm w-warning you!" he screamed, shaking horribly. "One more b-bloody rock and I'll... I'll shoot ya! Stay back!"
    The giant laughed. "Aye, Dursley, it's on'y a cake I made for yeh lot!"
    But he took a step towards Uncle Vernon with his frightening smile, and Uncle Vernon yelped. Taking aim at one of the lumpiest front pockets in the giant's coat, he fired several rounds of bullets. The thing in the pocket gave a loud bark, and by the next second, the giant had Uncle Vernon by the feet, suspended ten feet in the air upside-down.
    "NOT FANG, YEH MONSTER!" the giant roared and he threw Uncle Vernon at the wall, which crumbled, revealing the crates in the backroom. They contained many smaller boxes of ammunition and thousands of gun parts. One box was labeled Panzerschrek. Uncle Vernon mumbled something indistinct and sank to the floor.
    The giant's coat pocket gave another bark, and a fully-grown bloodhound climbed out, uninjured. The giant looked at Uncle Vernon and gave him the finger, but when the bloodhound started wagging his tail and licking the giant's shoes, he gave another chuckle and sat back down in a rather water-damaged armchair. He looked kindly at Harry.
    "Shouldn'ta lost me temper. Fang's survived worse. But he'll be alrigh', the grea' prune," he said. "Don't think I've introduced meself yet. Name's Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper o' Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts... and I make some good cakes too! Try some!"
    He pointed at the rock which lie in the backroom. Dudley thought he might've eaten anything right now, but then he thought he saw something trying to climb out of the rock... But Harry stood, mouth agape, and stared at the giant. Either he was still mortally afraid of the giant still, or he hadn't understood what he'd said; the giant's speech was poor, barely intelligible and consisting of many grunts and mispronounced vowels. 
    "Please don't eat me!" he cried. Aunt Petunia ran over to him and shielded him from Hagrid the giant.
    "That fat kid over there is Harry!" she said and pointed to Dudley. "Eat him instead!"
    "But what abou' yer scar?" Hagrid inquired to Harry. He looked at Dudley. "That can' be Harry!"
    "I don't want to go to Hogwarts anymore!" said Harry, scared.
    "Blimey, Harry!" said Hagrid. "Don't yeh wan' to know where yer parents learned it all?"
    But suddenly Hagrid, in his vastness, began to resemble Dudley in Harry's eyes, and Harry regained his superior demeanor. "It doesn't look like wizards are all that smart."
    "But yer parents, Harry!"
    "Who cares about them?"
    Hagrid became irritated. "Look 'ere, Harry! Dumbledore told me ta get yeh to Hogwarts no matter wha'! And if i have to tie yer arms and legs up and carry yeh there, I will!"
    "I bet you don't even know how to tie a knot!" laughed Harry.
    Hagrid's cheeks turned a faint red, and he growled. "Dumbledore's orders, Harry!"
    "Screw Dunderbore or whatever his name is then!"
    But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid reached deep inside one of his coat pockets and pulled out a polka-dotted umbrella, which he pointed at Harry. Harry stopped laughing immediately and stood wide-eyed against the wall. The umbrella started to glow.
    "Never!" Hagrid growled. "NEVER EVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE INFRON' O' ME!"
    His umbrella shot a violet streak of light which hit Harry. Harry gave a yell that turned quickly into a squeal as he started to shrink down. He screamed as he waved his hands in front of himself, which were turning into hooves. His stomach started to expand and his skin turned pink and started to wrinkle. His nose grew longer and formed a snout and his butt began to form a curly little tail. His whole body flashed and suddenly a great pig was sitting right where Harry Potter had been before. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia screamed and ran over to Harry, but Hagrid roared and turned them into pigs too.
    Hagrid turned towards Dudley, still curled up on the couch and looking fearfully up at Hagrid, who pointed his umbrella at him and shot a final flash of light. Dudley shut his eyes and waited to transform. But nothing happened. He waited a few seconds, and then opened his eyes, but Hagrid looked just as confused.
    "Hmmm... that's strange," said Hagrid, but he turned away from Dudley. He collpased back on the couch and took some sausages out of his pockets. Dudley looked longingly at them. Hagrid grabbed hold of his umbrella again, and Dudley gasped and backed away, but Hagrid instead pointed it at the fireplace and shot another beam of light, orange this time, and a warm fire burst forth. He put the sausages on a pan and began to cook them.
    "Ummmm, Mister Hagrid?" said Dudley quietly. He feared Hagrid might hurt him if he spoke too loudly. Hagrid, however, merely grunted. So Dudley continued "C-could I have a sausage?"
    "Yeh don' look like yeh need more feedin'," said Hagrid, but he handed Dudley a sausage. "Not sure if these are sausages or wha' though."
    He gave another of his smiles, but he wasn't attacking, so Dudley sat next to him.
    "Who are you?"
    Hagrid's smile vanished and he pounded a weathered coffee table with his fist, which crumbled. "I told yeh! I'm Hagrid! Keeper o' Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts!"
    "Okay, sorry! Sorry!" said Dudley quickly. "So what's Hogwarts?"
    "Well I'm not s'posed to let Muggles know 'bout it," answered Hagrid, calm once more.
    "Muggle? What's that?"
    "Er, it's wha' we wizards call yeh non-magical-type folks," said Hagrid as he forked down a hefty bite of sausage. "But anyway, Hogwarts is a school o' magic."
    "Can I go?!" asked Dudley excitedly.
    "Well, I'm s'posed to brin' Harry, an' yer a muggle an' all," said Hagrid.
    Dudley sat and looked at the ground, disappointed. Hagrid looked at him for a minute.
    "Tell yeh wha', I'll take yeh to Hogwarts. Yeh an' me, we're alike in some ways." Hagrid conceded. And it was true, as the couch had sunk down half a foot under their combined weight.
    Dudley's face lit up. "Really! Oh, thank you, Mr. Hagrid!"
    "No problem! An' yeh can jus' call me Hagrid. Everyone does." Hagrid stood up and stuffed Fang back into his pocket. "I s'pose I should fix yer bratty cousin."
    He gathered the three pigs together and took aim with his umbrella, which began to glow again. He uttered an incantation, and the Dursleys began to transform back to human form. After a few seconds, there they lay with normal feet, legs, arms, and bodies, except...
    "Hagrid, they still have pig snouts!" said Dudley, concerned. Fortunately they were unconscious at the moment. Hagrid aimed his umbrella again, but he only succeeded in making their snouts bigger.
    "Er, well, they look normal to me," said Hagrid, but his tone was unconvincing, especially now that the snouts were several inches long. "We'll jus' leave 'em here."
    Hagrid walked over to the doorway and turned to Dudley. "Yeh got all yer stuff?"
    "My dad threw all my stuff into the ocean..." reflected Dudley.
    Hagrid patted him on the back, which knocked Dudley over. Then they went outside into the rain and Hagrid covered them with this umbrella, though as both of them were considerably wide, the umbrella didn't help much. They traveled down to the edge of the rock where Uncle Vernon's boat was.
    "How did you get here without a boat?" Dudley asked.
    "Oh, I rode one of me dragons," answered Hagrid, "but do yeh mind not mentionin' tha' to no one though? Strictly speakin', dragons aren't allowed in England."
    Dudley swore he wouldn't tell anyone. "How many dragons do you have?" he asked, fascinated.
    "On'y eight or nine," answered Hagrid with a smile. "It's a dumb law if yeh ask me."
    Dudley laughed, though he wasn't sure if Hagrid was serious or not.
    Just as they got into the boat though, Dudley thought of something.
    "Hagrid, if we take the boat, how will they get back?"
    "They can swim, I guess," chuckled Hagrid. "Nah, we'll magic it back 'ere once we're done with it."
    But as it turns out, the boat wasn't built to sustain such incredible amounts of weight. It miraculously survived the trip to the dock, but when Hagrid tried to make it go back to the rock, it sank. Regardless, Hagrid and Dudley left the dock and found an inn to stay the rest of the night.

    Dudley woke up late the next morning when something landed on his face under his nose. It smelled very bad and strongly and when he sat up it slid down and landed in his mouth. Dudley gagged and opened his eyes and saw an owl sitting on the ceiling fan directly above him. A second later he realized what had happened.
    "Ugh!" He looked around for a towel or something to wipe his mouth off with. All he saw was Fang's tail sticking out of one of Hagrid's many coat pockets, but it would have to do.
    After he'd wiped his mouth, he noticed a parcel that the owl had evidently just delivered, for it was marked Owl Postal Service. It appeared to be a newspaper of some sort, only Dudley had never seen a a newspaper like this. It resembled Harry's letter of acceptance to Hogwarts in that it was emitting small sparks occasionally. The front page had a great big picture of a man waving his wand and sporting a green bowler hat. The man looked very ordinary, but the picture cauht Dudley's attention because it was moving. The man in the picture was spinning his hat with one hand and waving his wand with the other and repeating. Dudley looked at the headline "MINISTER FUDGE SEEKING TO CHALLENGE DUMBLEDORE'S MAGNIFICIENT BEARD" and started to read the article below the picture....

END OF PART ONE!

LOOK FOR DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE SORCERER'S STONE PART TWO IN OUR PORTFOLIO!

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