Timeless Ch. 1 Silence

          It is like the blink of an eye. One second I am laying my head down on the pillow and the next my eyes are wide open to the rising sun against my wall. My mind must not be as tired as my body. Then again my body works as its own alarm clock, I don’t hear any noises or smells coming from downstairs so it must be 7 a.m. I sit up and run my fingers through my hair pulling it back. I need to find the time and money to get it cut. Then again the way my hair falls neatly to one side of my face seems to be the fashion these days. I look to my side to find my little sister curled up in a ball underneath the sheets. The clock hanging by the door is saying I was five minutes wrong from my prediction. Well at least I was close enough. A loud yawn escapes me as I stretch out until my limbs pop. This morning seems to be warmer than others. Sadly there isn’t an air conditioner unit in this room since it’s really only to be used as a storage room. I should thank God for today but I feel I should skip that prayer. Maybe if I live through the end of today I’ll thank Him later.
        The city is humming outside my window. I get up and slide the window pane up to let in some fresh air.  I can only hear the cars rushing by and the sound of some sort of construction that I can’t see from my window. My beautiful view is a lovely old building with red brick walls and windows covered with cardboard boxes. I sit on the window sill and feel the vibrations of all the sounds being made from the busy street. I sometimes feel this building is made out of paper. You hear everything. I look down to the alley and only see the garbage dumpster. This small room above a restaurant has been my new home for only a month and I’ve never felt so lucky. I try not to think so the memories don’t come to me. My chest will tighten and I will lose my breath. It’s better not to remember. Just makes you feel more alone.
         I turn to see June staring at me. No words today either I guess. She was the only one that survived the car accident that took our parents away. I reach out and hug her tight. A blank stare tells you she’s far from you. I remember seeing her for the first time at the hospital. I was picked up by a cop at school, they hadn‘t told me just yet that I would never see my parents again. I remember trying to run through the hospital hall faster than my feet could. Seeing her small body like a dot on the big bed made my body tremble. There were patches over her eyes and red marks all over her pale cheeks. Before I could enter the cop stopped me and let me know that I was the only thing left in my little sister’s life. I fell to my knees and tried so hard to keep my cries silent, I tried so hard to keep myself from waking her up. She is only six years old. I kept saying over and over. It’s not fair.
      Her arm was broken in 2 places, her cheeks scratched from the glass that fell on her face. Her eyes were bound for a week because of scarring. Doctors said she was lucky not to have lost her eyesight or her life. She had tucked herself between the back seat and the passenger seat so when the collision happened, the passenger seat crushed June’s arm and shattered the glass over her head. That first night at the hospital she woke up reaching out with her mouth gasping and wheezing. She tried to pull at her patches and then began to reach up asking to be picked up. I yelled for the nurses. I wanted to pick her up and run. I don’t know exactly where I would run to I just didn’t want us to be there. I wanted to hold her tight and cry until my eyes were ready to fall out. We are all we have left in this world. One of the nurses came in and pushed her down while the other quickly placed a sedative in her IV drip.
‘She’s screaming.’ one of the nurses told me.
‘But I don’t hear anything.’ I said to her as I paced the room. ‘How can she be screaming?’
‘We see this in patients who wake up from accidents that deal with major pain.’ She turned to look at me. ‘She is going to need help to grow out of it. Just takes time.’
        That was to be the first day I had to accept another reality. Due to the shock of the accident June would never talk to me again. How could I ever afford a doctor to help her when my parents left us nothing? God was cruel. I would stay by her bed and hold her small hand. When the gauze's came off the first thing she did was look around the room. Then without a speaking she mouthed the words ‘mom’. The nurses walked out quietly. My body was shaking so violently I thought I was going to break. I tried so hard to swallow my tears and hold them back but I couldn’t stand the pain in my throat and the burning of my face. June jumped out of bed and looked everywhere in the room, under her bed, in the bathroom, and even the closet. She ran up to me and shook my arms pulling at my shirt and digging her small nails in my skin. I picked her up and held her close as she began to try and pull away. She shook her head and sucked on her bottom lip. I could feel her sobs but didn’t hear one sound coming from her. I sat down on the bed and rocked her in my arms to try and stop her from crying. Too much strain on her eyes would leave them feeling sore later.
         June’s eyes seem to blur all of a sudden. I make myself believe it’s when she buries herself in a memory. I help her dress and comb her long black hair. As the strands fall from the brush to my palm I remember my mother. How long was her hair? Did she cut it like she said she was? My bottom lip trembles slightly. It never gets easier. It’s only been 8 months, I’m sure I just need more time than this. Still my heart breaks that it only took me 8 months to forget the little things that in fifteen years I took for granted. If only I could go back to tell her . . .just how much I loved her. Why didn’t I say it? I should have taken those 5 seconds to let her know instead of running out the door. What was so important about school that day?
The door creaks open letting in the heat from the kitchen below. I take in the air of spice and freshly cooked meat. The mixture of onions and grease fills the room in seconds.
“Hey, Shiwon.” Mr. Katara’s bald head seems shinier than usual. His beady little eyes and puckers lips make him look like an anime character. The sweat gleams all over his fat face and massive cheeks. “We got ten minutes before we open. Want some breakfast?” June quickly jumps off her chair and runs towards him with open arms. He smiles and pets her head gently. “Well June I will take that as a yes from you.” I bow respectfully. “Now, now, Shiwon. We are not strangers. A simple thank you is more than enough.” He smiles again and begins walking downstairs.  I pick up June and start to follow.
         I’ve seen the good and bad of this world. I never knew how shielded I was from it all. I felt like the prince Buddha who was hidden behind the walls of a castle from the horrors and the truth of the world. Your parents try so hard to give you the paradise we lost. But once they are gone, there is no one to guard the gates. My mom and dad never spoke of any family ever existing. It was just us four in our small little world. The orphanage told me I could live there until I was eighteen and then I had to find my own way. They were already thinking about selling June to some couple who lived far from our city. Shouden is a small island we live in. It is the small little dimple on the ocean next to mother land Japan. I couldn’t let them take her. I didn’t even stay one night at the orphanage. I risked it all and took June. I wasn’t about to lose the only person left in my family.
         Mr. Katara made us fresh baked squid with a big bowl of white rice and dumplings. June jumps in her seat as I serve her a portion. I eat as little as possible so she can eat seconds. The first weeks were hard on our own. I refused to ever let June starve. I went from job to job. I bounced back and forth doing small favors for stores and odd jobs for cash. June was always at my side. We had to run from cops and color gangs. An old prostitute gave us shelter for a week until her alcoholic husband came home and beat her to death. Luckily she hid us in her closet before her husband came in. As always she told me to stay in the closet no matter what I heard. I felt I would leave June deaf from my palms pressing so hard against her small ears. I will never forget the sound of a woman crying out in pain as death crept in to take her. Her pleading for mercy and her screams choked with blood. Once the husband left I made June promise not to look out of the closet until I told her it was ok. As soon as I stepped out I saw the woman. Tears filled my eyes and I wept under my breath. My shoulders quivered as I walked closer to her body. He had broken her arm and some of her fingers. Half her face was with so much blood and bruises it seemed to have swollen. I could see some of her hair was also pulled out. I reached out to touch her but I couldn’t find the strength. I knew she was gone. Her thin body was not rising with the breath of life and her eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. I laid a sheet over her and tried so hard not to cry out in anger. Her fingers peeked from under the covers, I wanted to reach out and touch them. I thought maybe she could still feel me comforting her. I quickly stood up and called the police pretending to be a concerned neighbor. I ordered June to close her eyes tight and I ran as fast as I could out of the apartments. She never told me her name. She only smiled and stretched out her hand at us while we shuddered under the rain walking towards a tree or highway to hide under.  All I knew was the smell of her skin as she would pass by me and June. I promised to at least remember the name of her perfume. Anais. The sweet smell of Anais.
          I wish I could say that it went better but God is cruel. A man disguised as a priest came next. He promised to help us at his church, find me a good job and even have someone take care of June. It was close to midnight when he found us. We got into his car and I felt that our luck was about to change. As we were getting deeper into the city I noticed we were nowhere close to the church district. A big building loomed out of the darkness. The church was a warehouse. My job would be pimp. The victims were children. I was sure he had some sort of gun so I played along. The man was no priest and only pretended to be in order to capture more lost souls. As he got out of the car I quickly fumbled under the seats and found a tire iron. He was looking at the warehouse and reaching for his cell phone. I quickly opened the door and gave him one hard blow to the head to knock him out. I opened the warehouse door and looked into the shadows. I saw the face of evil and it saw me. I remember not being able to eat for weeks after that experience. I saved ten small souls. I drove as slowly as possible since my only driving experience dealt with an arcade game of racing. We all made ourselves fit in the small Honda Civic I stole from the fake priest. I reached the police station and let them out. I pulled aside the oldest which was only 12 years old. I told him what to say, they had escaped from a bad man and wanted help. He nodded and hugged me very tight. I cried in my sleep for days at the darkness of humanity. A favor led me to Mr. Katara’s restaurant. He saved us. He gave me the room above the kitchen. He couldn’t pay much but he promised us we would never go hungry again.
“Shiwon, whenever you get finished would you mind taking out the trash?”
“Of course, sir.”
He begins to wipe his big hands on his apron and looks at me and June. A sudden tenderness begins to smooth the wrinkles from his face. He takes a seat next to me and bows his head a little.
“Your parents must have been great people, to have had such great kids like you.” he looks up at me and smiles. “I was never good with kids. I think that is probably why God took mine away from me.” He leans back and stares at June for awhile. “I feel if they could only see me now. See how far I’ve gotten-”
“Mr. Katara, I think you would make a great dad.”
A deep laughter rises from his throat. He gently pats my back and stands up.
“Thank you for that Shiwon.”
The front door’s bell rings. I stand up and begin to clear the table. June shoves a big spoonful of rice before I take her plate. I quickly put on my apron and grab the trash bags. June picks up the smallest one.
“No, no June. I have to do this myself.” she shakes her head. “Well ok, but then you run upstairs and just watch T.V until lunch time.” she nods.
I open the back door to the alley. A hot breeze blows in carrying the smell of mixed liquor and spoiled food. There was a group of kids hanging around the dumpster. I didn’t see them there this morning. They stood opposite of the dumpster. I threw the trash in trying not to make eye contact. I overhear one of the guys.
“Look here bitch, it’s either that or we tell the boss and he kicks your ass.”
“I won’ t. . .I can’t!”
“Bitch!” I hear the sound of a loud slap. I glance quickly and see they were kids my age. Four guys dressed like Americanized thugs. I shake my head. Is it a color gang? Three of the guys looked like they were born in a pile of dog shit. The one getting slapped really didn’t look like he belonged. His neatly cut dark hair gave him away. Maybe they were trying to blackmail him. As we get back to the door June begins to tug at my arm. I kneel down and grab her by the shoulders.
“I have to do something really quick. Run upstairs and lock the door. Ok?”
She gives me a quick nod before running away.
         My dad worked as an accountant but I always felt he should have been a cop. He seemed to always be looking out for other people. He hated gangs and tried his hardest to keep us all safe from them. I had inherited my father’s sense of justice. I wasn’t going to try out for Spider-man or Batman anytime soon but I wasn’t going to ignore when someone needed help either. I dig into my apron and only find a pen. I wish I had snuck out a butcher knife or something. I cuss under my breath and walk towards them. All three of the guys had begun to knock the other guy around.
“I don’t mean to interrupt your foreplay but could you move it somewhere else.” The three dickheads turn to look at me at the same time. I smile at the dark haired kid. His eyes don’t seem reassured but filled with more fear. “My boss told me you guys were being too loud. I’d be more than willing to give you an address to a love hotel.”
“Wow a gay joke? Really?” Blondie guy speaks.
“It seems like he intentionally wants to piss us off Rocco.” Purple dye guy slaps Rocco’s arm.
“Wow, really genius?” I roll my eyes.
“We can’t let him get away with it.” Rocco, an ugly looking pit bull faced guy starts to walk towards me first. The three begin to approach me, I place my hand in my apron and they stop.
“Should we play a guessing game?” I say as I make a fist trying to make it seem I had something bigger than a pen. Rocco takes out a switchblade. “Buy that at the corner store big boy?”
“Fuck you, you have nothing.”
“Wanna bet?”
“Cocky asshole.”
         I remembered the little things my dad taught me on how to defend myself. He never taught me how to fight. I felt I could still hear him say ‘If your words don’t work, what makes you think blood will solve anything?’ I grip the pen and watch Rocco’s movements carefully as he gets closer. His right elbow raises, I feel my heart beat faster. He wants to scare me off by trying to cut me? To my surprise his arm wasn’t raising to cut but instead the white knuckles suddenly appearing let me know it was a stab he wanted. I may be recalling everything in slow motion but it only took three seconds for him to lean forward to stab and me to lean to the side and stab his arm with my pen. My face felt warm and I felt I was holding my breath.
“Fuck!” as a reflex he quickly jerks his arm loosing the switchblade. Blood was beginning to drip down his arm. I got about half an inch of the pen in. Rocco bites his lip and takes out the pen. He applies pressure and looks at his crew. “Get him!” They stare at his arm. “Fuck, come on!”
“I guess you were the only one with a knife.” I place my hand back into my apron and make a fist again. “I’m ready.”
         Rocco’s bloated face was red and stained with sweat and dirt he must have picked somewhere else. He grips his arm and starts to run, his buddies running after him. I give out a heavy sigh and lean down grabbing my knees. I couldn’t believe I did that. There was a sharp pain in my chest. Small stabs paralyzing my heart for a few seconds. Oh it was such a perfect day to forget to take my medicine. Since there was nothing to help with my arrhythmias every breath I took would pause sharply. The dark haired kid grabs my shoulders gently.
“Are you ok?”
“My heart. . . . it seems to be older than me sometimes.” I smile and look up at him. “I should be the one asking if you’re ok.”
“I’m fine.” His lower lip seems broken and the right side of his face begins to look a purple pink color. “You really shouldn’t have done that.” I stand up straight and walk towards the wall, sitting against it for support. “Do you have any idea who they work for?’
“Well if they’re so bad what are you doing with them?”
“My older brother . . . he used to be in that gang.” He bows his head. “They want me to take his place.”
“Just tell your brother to talk to them then. I’m sure he will try to protect you as much as possible.” My heart was beating at a normal pace. I look up at the blue sky. I couldn’t remember if it was just me or the day had suddenly gotten hotter. “I would do anything to protect my little sister. Anything.” I turn to look at him. I couldn’t tell if it was sweat or tears falling from his face.
“My brother died a year ago. That’s why they’re after me.” He punches the brick wall. “I hate them, it’s their entire fault!” His body begins to tremble.
“Hey come on don’t hurt yourself.” I try to fully stand but I feel that stab and I just rest again. “It defeats the purpose of saving you, if you’re only going to beat yourself up.”
“I want to do my best and become an important federal agent to take them all down!” He looks at me, his face torn in a bitter sadness. His sentence sounded like it came from a 5 year old but I couldn‘t help but take him seriously. “I won’t let them take my life too.”
I nod and smile. I give him a pat on his shoulder as he wipes his face with the back of his hand.
“My dad hated gangs.” I say, “I think they did something pretty bad to him to be so attentive on where they were moving and how to keep us protected.” I shake my head and look out into the street. “If I had the chance I would have become a cop or something just to make him proud.”
“We can both do it.”
“Nah, that’s not really my thing. I’m trying to make him proud a different way now.” I pause and think about my dad smiling at me. “Besides, I have no real vendetta for them like you. You have something to push you.” I finally stand up straight and look at him eye to eye. “Never let that feeling go and you’ll see how far you’ll get.” He gives me a weak smile.
“Thanks for saving me.”
“No problem.” We both stand in the alley finding things to stare at. “Well I better get back to work.”
“Ok. I guess I’ll see you around?”
“Sure. You can come catch dinner over here. My boss is a really great cook.”
“Cool.” He smiles again. “I’ll see if I can bring my parents. I’m sure they would like to thank you too.”
“Oh well, your thanks is more than enough.” He starts to walk away. “Hey!’ He turns to look at me. “My name is Shiwon.”
“Mine’s Hiro.”
“Can I ask you something?” I walk up to him.
“Sure.”
“Does it. . . .get any easier?” He stares at me for a little bit, then begins to shake his head.
“No, I don’t think it ever does. But who knows, hopefully I’m wrong.”
         With a smile and a wave he walks out of the alley and into the sunlight. Hiro words echo in my head. I want it to be easier but I never want to forget. Maybe it’s one or the other. Could it be it works that way? Every day I find something that makes me remember my life as it was with my mom and dad. I walk back into the busy hustle of the restaurant. I could hear the bell ding every time a customer comes in. The kitchen is full with delicious aromas. Mr. Katara smiles at me as he looks up from his chopping. I smile back and walk up to the front. There was a few customer’s already in. I hope to see Hiro again. It would be nice to know how his plan turns out.
“Shiwon! Table three!”
“I’m on it.”