Olivia's Time

How can everyone act calm?  This thought ran through Olivia's mind as she stood before the many pictures of her late husband, Berney.  The glass that held the pictured memories reflected the sunlight streaming into the quiet house from the windows behind her.  Quiet seemed like an ironic word when the two story house was full of friends and family.  Olivia glanced at each side of her, no one seemed to be around her at the moment, and brought out the cigarette she had been craving since that morning.  It was her own house anyways, so why worry?  She lit the cigarette, but she kept her gaze on the picture that held the memory of her and Berney on their wedding day at the rose garden up the street.

“Get that damn thing out of your mouth.”

The words were spoken as if there was a dagger ready to cut Olivia's throat.  The voice was just as sharp, if not more fatal.  Olivia's mother, Debbie, snatched the cigarette from Olivia's crimson stained lips and crushed it in her fist.  It was Berney's favorite cigarette brand, menthol 100's.  Of course, this didn't matter so much to Olivia, but more so that she had to have been caught by not just anyone, but her mother.

“It's my day, Ma,” Olivia grumbled as she kept her gaze averted from the wrinkled glare from her mother, “You don't know what's going on in my mind.”

“Bernard wouldn't want you to have lung cancer,” her mother seethed, but then her mask changed from enraged to motherly, “Some of the friends are leaving and want to give you their last respects.”

'The friends' were mostly co-workers of Berney's and maybe a client or two.  No one that really would miss him each night.  No one that would have to look at the pictures of him each day.  Olivia reluctantly nodded her head as she followed in her mother's shadow to where the guests silently spoke in hushed whispers.  For once in her life, she actually wanted to be away from the crowd.  As the guests approached her with condolences and sweet words, Olivia gave a small smile to each person and thanked them like a recorded machine.  If they didn't mean their words, then she didn't have to either.  Eventually, the last guest left as the sun stood high in the sky at noon.  Only her mother remained.  Olivia had taken off the black, mesh veiled hat and had poured her second glass of Merlot wine.  Her mother sat next to her with her first glass of Merlot wine.

“Give yourself enough time,” her mother stated before taking a long sip, “You know i'll be just a phone call away if you ever need to talk to someone.”

“I'm fine, Ma,” another recorded message. 

It was a heart attack that took Berney's life away.  The doctor said he had died before he even hit the floor.  At least it was quick.  As if that gave any peace of mind.  Before Berney's heart attack, Olivia had went to check on dinner for a brief moment and found him on the floor.  Olivia could picture each second of that day; it was her turn to cook breakfast that day, he had a day off so they went out for brunch, and when they came home, Berney had prepped dinner and all Olivia had to do was just put it in the oven. 

There was nothing she would've done differently.  Olivia had finished her glass of wine and decided to stop drinking.  Getting drunk wouldn't bring Berney back.  Sitting on the couch wouldn't bring him back.  Nothing would.  Olivia felt the cold wind of depression sweep through her as she tried to figure out what she was going to do.  Berney was the one who had the well-paid job, he was the one who did the bills, and the one who fixed anything that was broken.  Upon this realization, Olivia found herself wanting another drink.  Ironically, her mother had taken another bottle from the kitchen and poured each of them a full glass. 

“You can go back to school and find a career for yourself,” her mother held her glass to her lips, as if examining the cheap wine, “Olivia, you're still a young woman with a long life to live.  You will never forget Bernard and the impact he has made in your life, but that time has come and gone.”

“He died just this month, can't you give some god damn time to grieve?” Olivia finally felt the anger as she gritted her teeth.

Her mother seemed unscathed by Olivia's aggression.  Olivia couldn't blame her mother for Berney's death.  Hell, she didn't know who to blame for taking away her husband.  Her eyes scanned her mother's facial features before returning to looking down at her own wine glass.  It was actually uncomfortable in the room, more so the air between them.  Debbie didn't actually come back into Olivia's life until recently.  Actually, her mother didn't start speaking to her just a few months ago when she first met Berney.

“Why don't you go take a shower?” her mother suggested as she put her wine glass down, “I'll pick out a movie for us to watch.”

“Ma, I really just want to be left alone,” Olivia stated as she, too, sat down her wine glass as she stood up, “I'm tired, it's been one Hell of a long day, and I don't want company right now.”

Olivia barely knew who her mother was, but she was given a small dose that moment.  Her mother stood up, staring Olivia straight in the eyes, and said, simply, “No.”

She had to be kidding.  Olivia chuckled as if it were a joke as she put a hand on her cheek, “You're kidding me.  You honestly think i'm joking.”

“I didn't say that,” her mother crossed her arms, “I said, 'no'.”

There was no point in fighting a lost battle.  Olivia growled beneath her breath as she threw her arms up in the arm, “Alright, fine.  Stay in the guest room, i'm going to bed.”

Olivia left her mother in the living room and headed for her bedroom.  The room used to be her sanctuary from the world, now it was a museum of her life.  Where Berney used to sleep, where he would shower and shave, where she picked out his clothes for him.  Everything screamed his name as she closed the door behind her.  Museum or not, their bedroom was the only sanctuary she had left that was untouched.  The bed was never made on Berney's side.  His clothes were still on the floor when he last took them off.  Olivia walked over to his side of the bed with cautious footsteps.  She was afraid to move anything of his to their proper location in fear that it may remove the hope inside of her. 

Her fingers grazed the pillow where there was still a mark of an indention when he last slept.  For the first time that day she truly felt at ease.  Olivia found herself crawling onto Berney's side of the bed, covering herself with the thin, silk sheets that once felt so nice against her skin.  A hollow feeling formed in the pit of her stomach as the world began to crash around her.  For everything she had, she would give it all away just to have one more chance at keeping him.