Welcome to the Neighborhood

Welcome to the Neighborhood

It all started on that first day…

They signed the papers the week before, everything was Okayed by the bank and they were excited to be moving into their surprisingly affordable new home. Jerry called the moving company and scheduled them for Friday morning at 9AM.

Jerry and June were there bright and early at 8AM; carefully parked their car on the street out of the way and were busy grinning at each other as they once again explored the spacious house and yard and waiting for the truck to arrive.

“Oh Jerry,” June squealed, “Can you believe how big this place is? And such a large back yard! Plenty of room for a swing set and space for kids to play.”

Jerry smiled and shook his head. “We have only been married for a few months and already you see a half dozen kids playing in the yard.”

“You bet'cha,” June laughed. “At the very least six, but I'm thinking more along the lines of our very own baseball team; how about nine?”

“How about we start with one in a year or so and see what happens after that?” Jerry laughed and shook his head again.

June raised an eyebrow and gently took him by the arm and pressed her ample bosom against his chest. “What do you say we make a start on that one tonight, big boy?”

Jerry pulled her tighter and smiled into her sparkling blue eyes. “Your wish is my extreme pleasure, my lady, but first we have to get a bed in the house and set it up. I don’t know if I am going to have the energy tonight, but I'll see what I can do about that by week’s end.”

June laughed and ran towards the house. “I'm going to see where would be the best place to set up that bed. As soon as the movers get here you get them cracking and using their muscles and backs, you can save a little something for later.”

Jerry didn’t think he could be happier as he watched his pretty young wife skip up the stairs and into the house.

Of course as is usual with moving companies, the truck was late; at 11 AM Jerry was pacing back and forth in the driveway, checking his watch and muttering about reliability and punctuality in today’s workforce.

Actually, he had to admit that so far the whole house purchase had been incredibly easy; the paper work and closing came at an astonishing speed, so maybe he shouldn’t get too worked up about a tardy moving truck.

Jerry was also a little curious about his neighbors, there hadn't been anyone home on any of the visits they had made to look at the house and property. The realtor said that they were away on vacation; something about a contest win that included a month long "deluxe" family trip. About the only interesting thing about the neighboring property was the extremely high and apparently quite durable fence that separated their two back yards. Jerry noticed that this side of the fence even had more than a few sturdy supports added.

He had just about given up hope that movers would make it before noon and wondered if June had her cell phone handy, his was someplace in the boxes presently in a truck somewhere and he intended to make a call and find out where the hell that truck might be.

Marching up the sidewalk, Jerry noticed a pickup begin to pull into the neighboring drive. As he watched, the truck lurched forward just missing Jerry’s own car sitting at the curb and nearly running into the their own garage door. The quad cab truck’s doors flew open and out boiled what first looked like an invading army; though it turned out to be three large screaming kids, four huge dogs, an incredibly fat, homely woman and the driver, a very large, very fat man.

Waving at the advancing horde, Jerry walked back down the sidewalk intending to introduce himself to his new neighbors. Before he could get half way down the walk the fat man bellowed at the kids. “Shut the hell up! God damn, a man can hardly hear himself fart for crying out loud.”

Jerry flinched a bit from the noise and the outburst, but managed to keep his smile in place as he walked nearer the din, noticing that none of the kids quit screaming nor any of the dogs quit barking and growling.

“For shit's sakes, Jeff,” The fat woman bellowed right back. “You're going to give the new neighbors a terrible first impression, be nice.”

“Kiss my ass, you fricking bitch,” the man growled even louder, “I’ve been stuck in that damn truck with this stinking pack of animals for the last twelve hours and I will do and say what ever the hell I want in my God damn driveway, a man’s home is his God damned castle! Now put a frickin’ cork in that pie hole of yours and herd this bunch ‘a assholes into the house! Oh, and don’t forget to unload all the shit out of there too, I wanna take the truck to the races tomorrow.”

His orders dispensed, the man turned to Jerry who had warily inched his way closer.

“Who the frick, are you and what are you doing at the Anderson’s place?”

Taken aback, Jerry stumbled a bit as he inched another step forward with his hand out.

“Hi,” Jerry stammered. “My name is Williams, Jerry Williams.”

Ignoring the hand; the man frowned, thrust out his massive chest, farted and asked again.

“What the frick are you doing at the Anderson’s?”

Stepping back a bit from not only the rudeness of the question, but also from the incredible stench emanating from the man, Jerry started again.

“My name is Jerry Williams and we, my wife June and I, are your new neighbors. We're just moving in today.”

At the mention of her name, June stepped off the porch where she had been standing since the entrance of the noisy group and walked down the driveway towards the two men.

Always cheerful and full of life, June smiled and said. “Hi there, what a wonderful looking family you have.”

Slowly running his eyes up and down June’s lush form, the man trumpeted another thunderous fart.

“Lady, you are totally out of your frickin’ tree, though you are quite a looker, woooheee!" Looking back over his shoulder, he narrowed his eyes at the kids and dogs that were wrestling with what looked like could be Jerry's leather coat. "That ain’t a family wrassling that shit over there, that is a God damned out of control frickin’ circus!" He turned again and bellowed at the boiling menagerie. "God damned you kids, quit that screwing around and get that truck unloaded!”

Then calling the obese woman near the truck, “Shawna, come over here and get a load of these winners here.”

The large woman looked up, said something to the kids crowding around her and waddled closer. “Hey there,” she grinned with a mouth of crooked and missing teeth. “Don’t mind Jeff, he ain’t got no manners to speak of and most usually his bark is worse than his bite. You folks renting the Anderson’s place?”

“No, not renting.” June answered, trying very hard to breathe through her mouth and smile at the same time. “We bought it last week and we are moving in today.”

“Well, shit!” Jeff bellowed into the sky. “That frickin’ Anderson owes me fifty bucks and now you’re telling me he vamoosed the hell outta here while I was on vacation?”

“Uh, w-w-ell,” Jerry stammered again. “We looked at the house last week, we didn’t meet the owners, we dealt with the real estate company.”

‘Well shit,” Jeff grumbled and turned on his heel. “C’mon woman, you got a truck to finish unloading and I need a beer and sit on the crapper for awhile!”

Smiling shyly at the two stunned looking new neighbors, the large woman waved her fingers and waddled back to the truck. “C’mon ya little shits,” she bellowed at the kids that were wrestling with the growling dogs. “Daddy said to get this frickin’ truck unloaded.”

Standing in dumbfounded wonder, Jerry and June looked at each other.

“Your company does a lot of special events doesn't it? We have got to make sure they win another vacation contest!” June whispered.