Milk, lighter and injustice

I will never forget that day years ago. 16 of March. Not because it felt like summer first time that year after my youth’s coldest, longest and saddest winter. Not because my father died that day. But because when I went to the shop for milk – my mother wanted me out of the flat and that was the first thing that came to her mind –  and there was a new salesgirl.

That’s the day I first met her. But that day it didn’t matter. I smiled at her and she smiled at me after she handed me the change. That was all. I was sad because up in the third floor, in our flat in my parents’ room my father was dying and I couldn’t do anything to stop it or make it easier to him. I knew he’s going to die, but I wasn’t ready. When you’re seventeen and all you have is questions… it’s not the right time to lose anything. Especially not your father. But it was life: he died, left me and my mother behind. After the funeral we had a lot of fights – more than usually – and everything seemed wrong for months.

But the girl in the shop was still working there, and we weekly needed milk. Once, during the summer we had a huge fight with my mother and I was disspaointed, hurting and angry. I went to the shop because I didn’t have a lighter and I needed to light up. I couldn’t stand my mother without nicotine. So there was me with my angry tears asking for a lighter and she said I could borrow hers, I don’t have to buy one just to light up this time. I smiled her, she handed me the lighter and I went out of the shop and sat down outside. Red and blue cubes were painted on her lighter. Somehow I liked it so much, and while I was smoking my cigarette, it was the most important thing in the world. I didn’t care about my mother for two minutes and I remember, in months for the first time something felt nice, calm, and right. After that every two days we ran out of milk, and I bought my cigarette and coffee there almost every morning. And sometimes I borrowed  her lighter. And sometimes we talked about the weather and news. But still, I didn’t realize how I needed to go for some milk until the summer ended.

I hated it so much, I didn’t want winter back, which brought cold and dark and snow and after a week, boring white scenery with itself. It was my last year of school, and I didn’t have time for the milk because I needed to study hard and it seemed like I never ran out of my essays. Once on a Sunday I decided not to learn anything. My head was about to explode because of the several presidents and authors and math exercises. And I needed a cigarette and some coffee. And we ran out of milk. The girl was there, of course, and I asked for coffee and a box of cigarettes and milk. „As usual?” she asked. „What?” I asked back, I didn’t understand what she meant. „The coffee” she said and smiled with the cutest smile on this world. I think that was the moment when I fell in love with her a bit. The first bit. „Oh, yes, thank you” This was awkward. „May I ask your name?” She made herself busy with the coffee and didn’t turn around when she asked, I only saw her back. „Since when is „the girl from the other side of the road” not enough?” I asked. „Now.” She answered simply as she turned around with my coffee in her hands, and a smile on her face. „I’ll tell you. If you’re not a cop. I don’t like them.” I said, just to speak, just to make myself seem like someone who has a good sense of humour. „Well, I’m a spy. Is that count, too?” She had something in her voice that told me to stay there until the day I die. „No, I don’t think so. Spies are cool.” I told her. She smiled. „I’m Sam. Nice to meet you.” I reached my hand. She grabbed and shoke it. „Hey, Sam. I’m the girl from the shop where you always buy milk. Or at least I hope you’re not cheating and go to another shop sometimes. That would hurt. My name is Lily, by the way.” „If it calms you down, nowadays I always buy my cigarettes here, too.” „What a honour!” We both laughed. Then I went home and at midnight, laying in my bed I realised I forgot the milk in the shop.

One week later there was a day when you looked up at the sky and you didn’t see anything just boring and infinite mixture of clouds and smoke. It was cold and sad and when that day I first looked out of the window my first thought was that I have two chances on days like this: get a coffee and go to a room with colorful walls in the company of a book or kill myself. So I went to the shop to get a coffee but mostly because I wanted to see Lily. When I stepped in she seemed angry. „What is it?” I asked. „What?” „You look like you could destroy a few little islands with your glance. Not that I have a problem with this, most of them are useless.” „My boss just left. He kicked me out because his uncle’s daughter or what needs a job.” „Why didn’t you tell him that you need a job, too?” I asked. I realised that sometimes I asked obvious things just to hear her answering. Or just to see her reaction. „I did.” „And?” „And he didn’t give a fuck.” She was getting angrier. I looked away, I completely forgot why do I came. „It’s my last day.” She said, then for a few seconds we were just there completely in silent. I didn’t want her to leave. „You know what?” I asked as a fun idea came to my mind. „Does this shop have a storage?” She nodded and pointed to a door I never noticed in the shadow of a shelf. „I’ll buy some drinks, you close the shop and we go to the storage to drink it. He already kicked you out, so he can’t do worse for closing the shop for the rest of the day. And here’s me learning too much. I need some time out of books.” For a second I saw on her face she’s thinking about it, then she smiled and walked to the door, locked it and turned the little board so everybody saw the word „closed” from outside. I didn’t realise I was smiling until she turned from the door and smiled at me. „C’mon” She grabbed my hand and pulled me after her trough the unnoticed door.

The storage was cold, dark and smelled like Coca Cola. „Okay, where do we sit?” I asked. I didn’t know is she knew she’s still holding my hand or she just wanted to. I decided she just forgot to remove it. Immidietly I didn’t feel her touch anymore and I didn’t see her, either. Three seconds later a little light in one of the corners made me see her. She was now walking back. „We have a heather. And I found mattresses. Don’t ask.” She said, referring what the hell two mattresses do in a little shop’s storage. We pulled the mattrasses in the corner where was a plug so we could turn on the heather. Lily brought a few glasses of vodka and wine and told me I don’t have to buy them because her ex-boss is as stupid as a troll – I though she must seen Harry Potter – and that he wouldn’t notice if a few glasses are missing. So we started drinking and after an hour neither of us felt any hidrance. We were laying next to each other, bitching about our life. I talked to her about my mother and my father and how he died and how my mother is a bitch sometimes. After that she hugged me and said that she wished I had a better life because I deserve it. And then we drank more and more and I felt nothing but dizzy and she seemed the same but I wasn’t sure. We were laying in silent for a minute, I almost fell asleep and she asked me if I liked girls. I told her I didn’t know. Then she kissed me and it felt like something supposed to be important but in the moment that was just a kiss, just two people kissing in a big and cold and dark and empty storage. Just two people having fun.

The next morning my first thoughts were: I hate hangover, I’m never going to drink again. The second was a correction. I’m never going to drink again without Lily. Then I opened my eyes and realised I’m not in my room and she’s in pajamas laying next to me. I was wearing a big t-shirt and big sweatpants. I didn’t remember anything. I didn’t even know where I was. My tip was that it was Lily’s flat. I sat up, with my back to Lily. The room was lovely, I was sure it’d remind me of Lily without the knowledge it hers. It even smelled like her. Or she smelled like her room. I liked that smell. „What did we..” She didn’t finish the question. I turned to her.  „You kissed me. I don’t think we did anything else.” She said „Oh”, then stood  up and went to check her face in the mirror. „Did you like it?” She asked, looking at me trought the mirror. „To be honest, I don’t remeber how it felt.” I told her, and I didn’t lie: I knew it wasn’t bad, the memory felt positive, but I didn’t exatcly remember. Then she knelt on the bed and in a way that drove me crazy came to me, we were nose to nose and she kissed me like nobody else kissed me before. She laid me down and pushed her body to mine. The more I kissed her the more I wanted. Then she removed her lips and before I could start missing them, I felt a little bite on my neck, then a kiss and another kiss close to the first. Then I held her head in my hands and kissed her again, so hungry, so excited. Then she sat up and I wanted to stay forever. „I take it as a yes.” She said smugly . „Don’t be an egoist. You’re not that good.” I said, but I leaned to her and kissed her on the lips. „But thanks for the help of discovering myself.” And when I looked up at her and she held my glance for a few seconds, I knew she already changed everything.

There was the day most of people live trough and all of them is freaks the shit out of themselves the night before. And there was me in the morning of this day. Exams. Final exams. Math. I wished she was there.

From the day I woke up in her flat, if she wasn’t with me, I wished she was. Always.

Simple things I learned to get over at about age three, seemed like the hell. When I had a plus lesson I didn’t expect, I was about to die. I wanted to go to Lily and lay on the couch and having her around  cleaning the kitchen or sitting next to me watching some idiot cartoon we didn’t even pay attention for. It was nice. My life was nice. It had changed. By the time of the end of my exams I became eighteen and after that I usually stayed for the night. For Christmas that year Lily gave me a key so I officially moved in. That was my happiest Chritmas since I was five and my parents had brought me something I didn’t remember. But it made me happy. Lily made me happy. The key she gave me made me happy.

On new year’s eve we went out. We planned that we gonna go home a bit before midnight. I wanted to share the first minutes of the new year only with her. We were walking home when she told me she feels sick. She said it must be the drinks and I shouldn’t be worried. But I was. The midnight came and she kissed me and nobody will never kiss me as sweet as she did. Then when I woke up in the morning she was dead.

And now there was me years after that day, far away from that country. I left everything behind: I couldn’t stand anything about that place anymore. Everything reminded me of her. I needed to run away. But I couldn’t run away of my emotions. I was thinking about what would she say. „The world is full of injustice, Samy. What is important: keep your head up high, and if you’re hurting just think about that: there is only one life. You won’t have any other chance to experiece thing on this crazy world, so go and live your life before you find yourself at the end of it. And don’t waste your time on pain. Do what you love. It’s not that much time. You should live with your chaces given.” She said once. „Oh, and one more thing: never forget me.” I wanted to say I will hold her hand until we grow old, I wanted to say that she will be there giving no chance to forget her. I wanted to say thank you, I wanted to say I loved her and that she means the world. But it would have been sound stupid so all I said was: „I promise.” And now I smiled because I knew wherever she was, she knew I will never forget her. „Thank you for teaching me to live.” I whispered to the dark of my room.