Limericks Mark III

NAPOLEON



Napoleon was exiled from France

Where he led most of Europe a dance.

He said, “I could still

rule the world, and I will

if those Brits would just give me a chance.”



LOVE’S LABOURS WON



As I charged through the sitting room door

two bodies lay sprawled on the floor

My beautiful mother

entwined with her lover

Without any clothes on, what’s more!



MARITAL HARMONY Part 1



I’m reaching that stage in my life

When I ought to be taking a wife

Whose wife should I take?

I really must make

sure it doesn’t create too much strife.



MARITAL HARMONY Part 2



This search for a wife is a pain.

It has proven to be quite in vain

Blonde, brown, red or gray

They all run away

So they don’t have to see me again.



FINDING A MATE



It’s a shame that I’m putting on weight.

It’s ruined my chance of a date.

I’ll reduce it right now

and I just don’t care how

or I won’t find a suitable mate.



ODE TO BLUE JELLYBABY



The best jelly babies are blue.

Every day I consume quite a few

I’ve tried red and green

But the best that I’ve seen

Have a definite blueberry hue.



HORROR STORY Part 1



In the depths of my paranoid brain

A thought comes again and again.

If I cut off an ear

then I won’t have to hear,

my blood, as it pours down the drain.



HORROR STORY Part 2



I’m told that I’ve more than one ear.

That’s something I don’t want to hear.

Two whole ears? What a laugh

For I only need half

And my hearing is still crystal clear.