A Silly Use of States and Capitals

A Silly Use of States and Capitols
© 2010 by O. Wade

“Helena, you ‘member Trenton?” asked Montgomery, her pimp.

“Yeah,” said Helena. “I ‘member him. Why?”

“Boise mad at you!” said Montgomery.

“Me?” objected Helena. “Idaho what made him all dat bread, when I work for him!”

“Well, I just passin’ de word. Anyway, Hawaii? How you been?”

“I fine now that you back.”

“How Oriole doin’?”

A door slammed. Footsteps brought a young man into the room.

Helena turned as he entered. “Ohio! Good to see you.”

O went to the coffee pot and drew himself a cup. “Yeah, I’m glad to be back.”
“Yo sister alright?” asked Montgomery.
O took a sip of old, cold black coffee and made a face. “Yeah, Augusta will pull through. She needs to find another hobby, though. That Polar Bear Club is a bunch of nuts. When she Dover butt into the icy water of Lake Michigan, you could have heard De Moines a mile away.”

Helena gave him a hug. “Too bad. She kind’a go off the deep end when Ken left.”

O sighed. “Yeah, when Kentuckys car and all his junk, and left that goodbye note, Augusta fell apart.”

“Nothin’ you can do fuh her?” asked Montgomery.

“I think she has recovered sufficiently to operate on her own,” said O. “She went to the Midwest.”

“Whuh fo’?” asked Helena.

O smiled at her, but there was doubt on his face. “Wants to go to college. I’ve got to leave Monday Topeka up in Kansas.”

“Thas good,” said Helena. “You know, me and her went to school together.”

“Yes, I do.” said O.

“Yeah. I allus protected Augusta. She such a girl’s girl. I ‘member when she wuz in the school band. Member that? Boy, she wuz good with the baton. Then that mean Raleigh boy painted her Baton Rouge. Got that red mess all over her uniform. I caught Mister Raleigh boy behind the school and whip he butt good.”

“I remember the red paint on her uniform,” said O. “I never found out how it got there. Who was that other girl you two hung out with?” 

Helena thought a second. “You mean Minnie?”

“Yes. What happened to her?”

Well, Minnesota drifted away from us. Las’ I heard, she was hookin’ in Mississippi. You ‘member Jack, her neighbor?”

“Yes. Wasn’t he the metallurgist engineer that worked in the Springfield? I know his company made other things, but I think Jack was into springs.”

“Yeah. Dat wuz him. Minnie run off with Jackson. Jack had two boys. She run off with the oldest.”

Montgomery said, “O, I hear you was workin’ up in Massachusetts while waitin’ on the new teachin’ position.”

“Oh, yeah,” said O. “Worked on the new tunnel. I Boston that job. Lot of pressure. There was always such an ear jarring racket in the tunnel. I’m plumb Illinois.

“Yo girl go with you?” asked Helena.

“No,” said O. “I wish she could have. She’s spending the summer with her family. In Juneau going to Alaska.”

“Well,” said Helena. “I be seein’ you later’. I got to go to the doctor.”

Since Helena was a prostitute, O figured she may have caught the Big A. “Anything bad?”

“I know what you thinkin’, O,” Helena said. “Nothin’ like dat. The doctor gonna be Lansing a boil on my arm.”

“Bet that’s going to hurt.”

“Nah,” said Helena. “I’m be like a Little Rock.”

O smiled and nodded. “Yes, you are.”

As the door closed behind Helena, Montgomery chuckled. “She say she ain’t scared, but I know better.

“Guess it come with the territory,” O answered. “By the way, what happened to that fellow Madison Wisconsin and his wife Virginia?”

Montgomery shook his head. “That crook? He cheated ever body in the state and went off up north somewhere. Las’ I heard, he bought him two big boats and gonna Salem all over Lake Michigan. Crooked or not, that Richmond livin’ good.”

“He’ll get caught,” said O. “Sooner or later Providence steps in and baptizes with the truth.”

“Yeah,” said Montgomery. “Man like that, IRS git him fo back Texas.”

“You know it,” said O.

“Montgomery said,” You still gonna marry your gal, what her name…Olympia?”

“Yep. When she returns from Alaska.”

Montgomery gave him a knowing look. “You gittin’ yoself inta a lotta Missouri. Marriage sho not fo me.”

O smiled. “Some folks thrive on it.”

“You say so,” Montgomery said. “You oughta learned somethin’ when Utah in that girl school. Man, oh, man!”

“Well, I’m going to Salt Lake City and teach at the girl’s school there. I like it.”

Montgomery stood back. “Y’all don’t mean it.”

O laughed. “Phoenix rising from the ashes, my man.”

“Says you,” laughed Montgomery. “Listen, I gotta go. My girls gonna be missin’ they Maine man.

“You ever going to give up the business, Montgomery?”
“
Nahh. Look at me. Fancy duds. New cars. My girls treat me right. I treat them right.” Montgomery wore an expensive sweater with intricate designs. He spread his hands across his chest. “See this New Jersey? Three big ones. My ladies love me.”

O playfully clapped him on the shoulder. “For sure, you won’t have to worry about the recession.”

Montgomery held out his palm. “Five my friend. I gotta walk.”

O slapped palms with him. “Be cool.”

O’s sister was in Kansas, so on his way Topeka her up, he stopped in Jefferson City to see his friend Austin and to rest up. Cramped up for so many miles, his legs were in Missouri. When he got out of the car, he reached down and massaged the taut muscles.

Austin’s house was on the corner of Hartford and Frankfort Street. The white clapboard sat on a knoll. Tall steps reached up to a nice little porch with white lattice and a swing. Austin sat in the porch swing.

As O walked up to the house, Austin’s face broke into a pleased grin. “Well. I’ll be damn!” Austin almost yelled. He ran down the porch steps and grabbed O by the hand, nearly breaking his wrist with a hearty handshake.

O pretended to be hurt. “Man, at forty-five you’re still the strongest fellow I know.”

Austin smiled. “Old folks gotta keep themselves in shape. I eat light. A good breakfast, then Annapolis all I have for dinner.”

“You still living single, Austin?”

“Not married, but got a nice girlfriend. You used to know her. Called her Cheyenne.”

“Yeah, I remember Shy Ann. She used to get so nervous when a boy asked her out, she would almost faint.”

“Well, she’s not Shy Ann anymore, and I can vouch for that. Come on up on the porch and sit down.”

O settled into the swing beside Austin. “You ever see Dale Lincoln?”

“No, Dale got him a job out in California. My boy Arkin lives out there. Arkansas Dale a while back and said hello to him, but Dale didn’t know him.

Said Dale looked at him funny and walked away. May have thought Arkin was one of them California fluffy boys.”

“How is Arkin?”

“He’s fine. He worked for Bismarck Industries up in North Dakota for a while, then he got the job offer in LA. He likes it out there.”

“Wasn’t he a priest for awhile?”

“Yes. He was performing the Sacremento his congregation one Sunday and realized that he no longer had the desire to be a priest. He was true to his calling for two years. Even as a young man, his hero was Saint Paul. He has always been a fine son. Iowa great deal to his mother for that.

She was a Christian woman.”

“Yes, Aries was. I’m sorry she passed on.”

“Thanks, O. That means a lot to me.”

O chuckled. “I remember that ’62 Mustang Aries drove for all those years. Boy, she loved that car.”

“Yes,” said Austin, “But it finally gave up and was beyond economical repair.

“Didn’t Arizona old blue Buick, after that?”

“Yes, but she hated that thing. Always gave trouble.”
A
ustin said, “O, I haven’t shown you the house. Like to see the rest of it?”

“You own this?”

“Yep. Me and the bank. I searched all over for the best deal for a loan and ended coming right back to our town bank.”

“Sokis Federal?”

“Yeah.”

“Guess old man Sokis is dead by now.”

“No. He’s eighty-seven and truckin’ along like a teenager. He never learned to speak good English and he’s gotten worse over time. Took me three hours to work out a deal for the loan. Had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at him.”

Austin puckered his mouth and spoke like an old man.” ‘Ve gif you tree end half bercent Vermont on tirty year loan.’ I had to correct him. I said, ‘You mean per annum.’ He stared at me for a moment and said, ‘Yah.’

O remembered how the old man spoke and how he looked and could not help laughing.

As Austin showed the House, O said, “Robert South still live around here?”

“No, Robert went to work for the CIA as a Dakota. I hear he is very good at that.”

“Yeah,” said O, “I remember how much he liked to work puzzles. He was the high school king on the Rubik Cube.”
Later in the afternoon, O waved goodbye to Austin as he drove away. As he continued to Kansas, he remembered how his two older sisters, Carolina and Virginia, on the verge of leaving the nest, received unneeded and unwanted advice from their father. Though father spent his life in a cotton mill, he overflowed with his version of ‘wisdom’. O figured the old man and his brother (who was also skilled at working in a cotton mill) regretted their hard life and was just trying to live vicariously through Virginia and Carolina.

The old man would yell, “Go South, Carolina, and his brother would yell in return, “go West, Virginia!” The girls listened patiently, but did not intend following such inane advice.


  Driving home from Kansas, O and his sister Augusta laughed as they recalled family and friends and the crazy things that happened when they were kids.

“Augusta, do you recall Mr. Penn, our neighbor when we lived on Albany Street in New York?”

“Yes, I do. He was sweet but he wasn’t very bright. You remember the story mama told about when he bought his first TV?”

“Was that Pennsylvania?”

“Yes. Mama said the Sylvania technician told that story all over town, how old man Penn thought the TV was supposed to be hooked to gas and it was two years before he could save up enough cash to have a gas line run.”

O laughed aloud. “Then he bought that land from some shyster for next to nothing...”

“An island,” Augusta broke in.

“Yeah,” said O. I’d forgotten about that. Then when the entire family packed up and Rhode to the Island…well, not rode, ‘cause the little spit was a mile off shore…”

They rented a boat,” Augusta added, “and when they got there, all they found was a hump of sand and one scrub tree and every time the tide came in the ‘island’ disappeared.”

By the time O and Augusta reached home, they were both sore from laughing. They had created a bond that would last the rest of their lives.

A car blocked O’s parking space as they cornered Denver and Colorado Streets. O parked two doors down from his apartment. When they reached the steps of O’s walkup, Montgomery and Helena came pouring down the steps as if they had been watching for them.

“’Bout time y’all git back,” Montgomery yelled. “Helena been walkin’ de flo.”

“No such thing,” Helena shouted, as if she were speaking to someone at the end of the block.

Augusta waved her hand and giggled. “Do you two realize the spectacle you’re making of yourselves?”

Montgomery laughed. “We’s used to dat. Thas how we makes a livin'.”

O joined in. “But it is not how we make a living.”

“Yawta try it sometime, O.” His eyes lit up. “ Hey,” he said, turning to Helena, “I know he like Della. She hot.”

“Yeah,” agreed Helena. “Delaware dis skimpy little…”

Never mind,” said O, embarrassed.

Augusta thought it was funny. “Maybe you oughta go see this Della, O.”

O grabbed their bags from the street and started up the front steps. “You three can act nuts all you want, I’m ready to sit and rest my weary bones.”

“You got beer in there?” asked Montgomery.

“Is Lautrec’s morals Toulouse?”

Montgomery stared at him. “Whut?”

“Never mind,” said O. “I’ve got beer.”

“Goot.” said Montgomery. “That make up for yo crazy talk.”

All four of them found a seat as O handed around cold beers.

“Are you working tonight, Helena,” asked Augusta.

“She better be,” put in Montgomery. “My car payment due de third.”

Augusta frowned at him. “Be ashamed, Montgomery.”

“You tell him, girl,” said Helena. “He think it’s like I work at a ‘musement park.”

“Yeah,” said Montgomery,” slapping his leg with glee, “Maryland!”

It was Helena’s turn to scowl at Montgomery. Ain’t no merry land to it. Mo like clown land.”

“May I break into this illuminating conversation?” asked O.

“Be our show,” said Montgomery.

“Do either of you know whose car is parked in my space?”
‘
Sho,” said Helena. “My fren Ori… Oriole.”

“Would you please ask her to park in her own space?”

“Kaint.”

“Why?”

“Helena chuckled. “ Oregon.”

O gazed at her for a moment before he said, “You mean, she’s in jail.”

Helena smiled wide. White teeth shone from her black face. “You smart, O, you know dat. Ain’t he smart, Augusta?”

Augusta was laughing silently. Her body jiggled. “Yes, my brother is a wizard.”

Montgomery added his bit. “Maybe, if you a wizard, you kin make yoself another parkin’ space.”

“Oh, shut up,” said O playfully. “I'll ask the landlord what I can do about it. Excuse me for a bit.”

“Yo ‘scused,” said Montgomery and tipped up his beer.

O went to the basement apartment and knocked on the door. He heard a shuffle of paper then the door came open. “Hi, O,” said the landlord.

“Georgia hate to bother you on a saturday, but someone has my parking space and she is in jail. No telling when she will get out.”

“That Ori?”

“Yeah,” said O. “ Oriole.”

“That’s her. Might as well call the cops and have it towed.”

“I really hate to do that,” said O.

“Well, she cut her pimp. Almost killed him, though I don’t blame her. She’ll be in the jug for a while. Besides, her car will be safer in the police pound.”

“Thanks, George, I appreciate it.”

“No problem,” said George and closed the door.

When O returned to his apartment, all three of his guests had fresh beers.

Montgomery pointed his beer bottle at O. “Ya know, with you an’ Augusta leaving, an’ probably not comin’ back, me an' Helena, we thinkin’ uv movin’ to Oming, Florida.”

“Wyoming?” asked O.

“Cause it warm down there,” said Helena.

“Isn’t Oming near Tallahassee?” asked O.

“Yeah,” said Helena. Lotsa college boys there need a education.”

“I wanted to go to Atlanta,” Montgomery said, “But Helena said she quit fore she live in cold weather anymore.”

“I can’t say I approve of you tainting those young college boys,” said Augusta.

Helena laughed. “Ain’t gonna be taintin’ nothing they ain’t already tainted. Most boys know all about sex. They’s self-taught.”

Shut yo mouth,” said Montgomery good-naturedly.

“I would think,” offered O, “that you would make more money in big cities.”

“We been in big cities,” grouched Montgomery. “New York City, Sioux City, Oklahoma City, Carson City…”

“Santa Fe,” said Helena, to break up Montgomery’s recital.

“Santa Claus,” said O.

“Les have a little Concord here,” said Montgomery over the neck of his empty beer bottle.

“This is all very illuminating,” said Augusta, “But I’ve got to get some sleep.” If all of you will excuse me?”

“Yo ‘scused,” said Montgomery. “Say, Augusta, you evah think ‘bout working for me?”

Augusta shook her butt at him. “In your dreams, buddy.”