The Approach

I look through the window, watching as my breath fogs it up and quickly dissipates. I can’t believe what I am about to do. I slowly turn around and head towards the door. The handle is cold as I lift the latch, my hearts pounding, why can’t I relax. I’d practiced this a thousand times, why the fuck can’t I just relax. What the fuck is wrong with me, I can’t breathe, it’s like I have a soft ball in my throat. My thoughts are going a thousand miles an hour, I see her, she’s outside, waiting.

She’s always waiting, I still can’t breathe, the hairs on my neck are standing up. A voice inside me is telling me to turn around, but I can’t, I won’t, not this time. This time I will do it. She smiles as she watches me approach, my nerves calm a little, but my heart rate is increasing, she has such a beautiful smile.

I smile back, I feel like a mutant. She’ll say no I know it, I don’t stand a chance, she’s so far out of my league. Silence, it’s too quiet, I need to say something, anything, ‘Morning’ I blurt out, anything but silence.

‘Morning, to you as well’ she says still looking at me. I can’t meet her eyes, I look around, down the street, I look at the sky, anywhere but those baby blue eyes.

I can almost breathe again, but I know I’m going to chicken out, she to perfect. She’ll say no, and I will never be able to live it down. She’s still looking at me, I can feel it, I can’t help it, I look over my shoulder, she’s frowning. A thousand thoughts race through my mind. I’m running out of time and I know it. I start to get angry with myself. She’s talking, I have no idea what she is saying, I can barely hear anything at all. I look down and notice something, something red.

She’s wearing a scarf, I don’t know why it but for some reason it seems important, I can’t help it I stare completely ignoring her. It looks so familiar, I know that scarf, it hits me, that’s my scarf, well not anymore technically but for all intents and purposes that is MY scarf. I can’t believe it, I’m on cloud nine, my heart feels like it is going to burst she’s wearing MY scarf.

Then I see the bus pulling up, and I curse, feeling like a total failure, my previous moment’s joy gone, erased for all eternity, I waited too long, now I would never get my chance. My head down, I climb the stairs and make my way to the back, alone.