Why I wore over ten elastic bands as an alternative to self-harm. |
Rubber bands I donât even know what âokayâ looks like anymore. Everything is difficult, everythingâs a chore. Snap. I wish I knew what to do, how to make myself cope, Thereâs no quick fix, no off-switch. Theoretically, itâs only temporary, yet I donât dare hope. Snap. Itâs pathetic really, maybe Iâve already quit. âI canât do it.â Words that hack at my resolve each time, but claim so much more strength to admit. Snap. You know, Iâve never cried because I wanted to go to school before. I crave normalcy so desperately it hurts, but in the end, I want to want to live so much more. Snap. Reminding yourself what you formerly liked is always disconcerting. Strip it back to the basics, donât assume. Consider it a small victory when you smile on a day that wouldâve otherwise meant nothing. Snap. Weary⌠guilty⌠angry⌠gloomyâŚEmotions that are simply crushing. âDonât do this to yourself.â My new mantra for those mornings when I hate myself just for breathing. Snap. Overwhelmed by the most mundane things, headaches I can envisage by the hour. Proud because I washed my hair, made some tea, talked a little - tried harder. Snap. I donât want to justify myself, and Iâm tired of being defensive. This is it. This is wrong. And Iâm beginning to find everyone elseâs reassurances irrationally offensive. Snap. There are so many things I should be doing, but I almost canât care sometimes. âItâll be beneficial in the long run.â Iâm sure it is, but, right now, that kind of just sounds like another bullshit line. Snap. Red. Blue. Green. Yellow... All these vivid colours that dangle loosely from my wrist, Theyâre a reminder of everything I thought, so foolishly, I could just dismiss. Snap. Yes, they do look pretty as simple as they are. A distraction, an unexpected comfort, Yet also painful - a relief -a bruise but not a scar. Snap. These rubber bands I wear, they keep me focused. âWhy the hell are you wearing those?â I need them, thatâs why. Iâm broken now, in case you havenât noticed. Snap. |