Phoenix Rising

    "Blood, there was so much blood.... what did you do to yourself child?" I heard a woman say as I woke, and I felt a gentle touch on my wrists and with the touch came a burning sensation, quickly followed by a soothing coolness. I didn't want to hear anything. I didn't want to feel anything. I wasn't supposed to still be here. I tried to stop her touch. I tried to move, but my body felt so heavy I couldn't.

    "Relax child. I will give you something to sleep." I heard her say, and I fell into darkness.

    I don't know how long I slept. I only know when I awoke I saw white and when I moved my arms and my legs throbbed. I sat up and looked around. I was in a solid white hospital room the only spots of color the wooden door and a window bright with light from the sun. I slowly realized I was not dead. I was still alive. Still there in the world of hell in my mind. I screamed with pain and I started crying hysterically, sobbing and wailing and ripping the bandages off of my arms. The sounds must have carried outside the room, for not long after several people came in one carrying a needle. They held me down as I thrashed around on the bed my cuts opening and splashing blood on myself and them destroying the white perfection. I struggled and fought and it did no good. They gave me a shot and I fell asleep again. I slept and dreamed nightmares of falling into a black abyss falling away from light.

    "Awake Phoenix Feather. Feel the fire in your soul. Feel the flame around you. Let it burn away your sorrow so you can rise from the ashes" I woke to hear a man speaking. I don't know whom. I only assume it was a doctor. I did not care and I did not look. I only cried and went back to sleep.

    "Little Phoenix Feather. Do not slip into the darkness. Stay with the world. You must stay, you are needed. Heal now Phoenix Feather. Fall into the fire and sleep." I heard him speaking to me several times in several days. Each one played out the same. I sleep; awaken to the sorrow in my soul and the sound of his voice. Each time when I finally opened my eyes to see the speaker, there was no one there.

    I don't know how many days passed. I was not sure if the voice I heard was real, or simply from my dreams. I only know one day I woke again to an empty room and I felt different. My sorrow was still there, the pain still seeping to the surface, but I could stand to look at the world around me, and stand to see myself. I sat up slowly trying to see where I was, to figure out what I had been hiding from. I looked to myself to see what damage was left from what I had done.

      I was wearing simple things. A white short sleeved shirt, and simple white pants. The short sleeves showed my arms that were covered in both bloodied bandages and thick scars. I didn't like to see them. I didn't want to acknowledge anything had happened. I just wanted to ignore the pain and the sorrow that seemed to seep in and out of me from every pore. I looked away and turned to let my legs hang over the edge of the bed, and pain shot through my thighs as I did. The pain reminded me of the blood that had covered me that night, and I pushed the image from my mind as well. I stood slowly, welcoming the distracting feeling of my feet on the tiles. My arms and legs throbbed as I slowly made my way to the door, my feet freezing on the tile floor. I reached the door and stood silently for a moment debating opening it or curling back up into bed and into myself. I decided on the door, and reached out to the knob to see if it was locked. I twisted it, and it opened.

    I stepped slowly out of the room, and my feet met rough carpet. I looked around me, and saw I was in a hallway lined with other wooden doors, some open, some closed. There was someone to my far right at the end of the hallway pacing. I looked to my left, and saw a common area, chairs circled together in front of a television. Several people wearing the same clothing as I was were sitting in them and others were at a table nearby. Near to that was what appeared to be a nurse's station. As I looked around one of the women at the station seemed to notice me and quickly made her way to my side. She was a blonde woman about my height, and looked very irritated.

    "It's about time you got up and came out. Lying in there sulking so long was not going to help you any. You need to come with me." The woman said to me irritably, tightly gripping my arm in one of the few places without a bandage, and tugged me down the hallway to my right. I didn't care enough to resist, so I followed silently while I tried to read the I.D. badge dangling from her neck. It read Judy, and that she was a nurse.

    "You should have been up days ago. You need to see the doctor and get an evaluation now that you aren’t wailing and screaming. That didn’t do any good either." she stopped at a closed door at about the middle of the hallway to my right only a few rooms down from my own door. She pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the door dragging me inside behind her. There was a man in the room sitting in the corner at a desk. He looked up as we entered, and came over to the door to greet us.

    "Hello Judy. Who is this?" the doctor asked, and as they began to speak, Judy released my arm, and I began to tune them out. The doctor was not the voice of the man I heard, and it was going to be the same talk as it always was. 'Was I cooperating' had I hurt myself again yet' did I seem like I would hurt myself again'. The same things they always asked. Always with the same answers. I looked around the room as they spoke, searching for a possible escape, or sharp object I could use. The room looked like a typical doctors office. Aside from the doctors desk there was an exam table, the various medical instruments, some locked cabinets, and one or two chairs. None of those were of any interest to me, so I turned my attention back to the doctor’s desk. On it was a computer and some paperwork with a few other things. The item that caught my attention though, was a small letter opener sitting on the center of the desk. I instinctively took a step towards it and the doctor stepped in my way. I hadn't realized they had been watching me so closely.

    "All right. Let's get started with the physical. Please go sit on the exam table." I nodded, and silently made my way to the table across from his desk, my eyes never leaving the letter opener. Judy noticed, and took a seat at the desk blocking my view as the doctor came to my side and began to look me over.

    The doctor spoke to me I know, but I did not listen. I couldn't focus on anything but the pain the letter opener could cause, and the freedom the pain would give my soul. I don't know how long he examined me. I only remember darkness, and the feeling of emptiness flowing through me like fire. I remember Judy letting me go at the doorway of my room, and then I remember lying in my bed falling quickly into the abyss of sleep. I awoke hearing his voice again.

      "Little one. You must awaken. You must survive. You must not let go of the flames surrounding you. Stay strong little Feather." I did not bother opening my eyes. I knew he would not be there.

    I do not know how many days this went on. Sleeping until I heard his voice, barely awakening long enough to take whatever food or drink was brought to me, and falling quickly back into the dark abyss of my pain. Sleeping was not pleasant. I dreamed of monsters and demons chasing me until I fell into a pit of fire. As I fell towards the flames I would hear the voice telling me to trust the flames even as they burned me, and I would wake again screaming to find no one there.

I don't know why, but one day I woke, it was night, and my room was dark. I stood silently and walked to the door moving slowly as if in a trance. I wrapped my hand around the cold knob, and twisted it pulling the door open in front of me. I stepped out into the hallway, and it was dark as well. There was no movement; there was only silence and darkness. I moved instinctively to my left towards the nurse’s station at the end of the hallway. There was a light at the station, and a nurse was standing behind it seemingly frozen in place. I ignored her, and moved past her towards a hallway to the left of the station. It led to a door that had a small window to the outside. I didn't think, I simply kept moving towards the door and pushed it open. It was unlocked, and it opened into a small fenced in courtyard. I moved to the center of the grassy yard, and waited.

    It wasn't long before I felt movement behind me and I heard his voice. "Ah, good Little Phoenix Feather. It has worked, and you have made your way to me." I did not respond. It just seemed like another confusing dream.

    "Come Little Phoenix Feather, before they realize what has passed." I heard him say this, and the next thing I saw was darkness. I dreamed again. There was no fire this time. There were no monsters chasing me. I was simply in a forest. It was silent with not even the leaves crunching under my bare feet as I moved. I walked through the forest with no purpose higher than to not be where I was before. It was a dark forest. Full of plant life, and trees with small gaps between them. It was green everywhere. There were no flowers or berries showing their colors through gaps in the leaves. I kept moving with a sense of emptiness, and I began to hear singing. It was soft, and quiet, and it called to me. I started to follow the voice, and as I did it slowly became louder until I could faintly make out some of the words.

    "Feather of a Phoenix, light the world aglow. Feather of a Phoenix, let the fire shine, let the fire sing. Let the fire burn, see the flames rise high. Set it free little feather. Set the world alight. See the world burning in the night." It was as the words began to repeat that I saw the wall, a large expanse of white brick, several stories high. As I looked up to search for the top I saw an explosion of red fire and feathers and realized the singer was the voice. Then I fell into the dark abyss again.

    I heard voices. Hushed tones whispered around me. I ignored it. I was tired of waking up. I was tired of the dreams. I was tired of pain. I slept again. I don't know how long. I remember bitter liquids being poured into my mouth. I remember voices, hushed and angry around me. It made me more upset and I curled into myself more and tried to hide from everything around me. I dreamed. There was darkness, and fire, and his voice.

    "Rest Little Feather.