Blue

We've always lived for nights like these. Swift halves at the ale house then bounce the bus into town at last orders. Things had changed a bit over the years of course. We both had jobs now and could afford the excess we always strove for. We both had nicer clothes and better haircuts. But apart from that nothing much had changed. Well, that's a lie, something had changed. I wasn't sure I liked it anymore.

'What's the point, Joe?' I asked him when he got back with a round of drinks. 'Why do we even bother?'

I was only three pints deep and the melancholy had started to seep in early. I got like that sometimes. Mostly on Fridays.

'Because this is what it's all about' that’s what Joe always said. We'd had this conversation a few times recently. He lived for the weekends.

'Why do we bother with the rest of it is what you should be asking. Why do we sit in that shite office all day? Why do we work so hard for someone else?' He took another swig of his pint, ever the hard drinking philosopher. Forever giving me lectures.

'This is what the weekends for, it's to stop us going crazy. All the people come together. The Friday people, like us. We all know what it's like. The only thing you can do is drink up and feel alive for a bit with the rest of them, cause come Monday it's over and our lives don't fit together anymore' This was a lecture Joe gave me often. The joys of drinking.

'And apart from that, think of how fun it is! Remember all the women we've met. We've met some nice ones over the years, like the one with the blue hair you took home last week! Remember her? Just think who you might take home tonight!' It hurt when he said that because I did remember that girl. She'd stayed the whole weekend (though I didn't tell Joe, that breaks the rules) then on Monday morning, she was gone.

'I did like her you know, Joe' He just looked at me and scowled.

Joe had been gone for ages and I was getting annoyed, no one takes that long to piss. I got my phone out and rang him. He answered straight away,

‘Joe, lad. Where are ya?’ He laughed down the phone at me,

‘I’m outside having a smoke. Got launched out again didn’t I’

Joe swore he hadn’t done anything wrong. He said no one had caught him with any drugs or anything, he wasn’t risking that again, not after Billy on the door gave him a crack last time. I knew he was lying, he was grinning at me with a fat powder polo round his nose.

‘Come on, lad. Fuck it, it’s a shithole anyway. Let’s go to town.’

The last bus going anywhere is always rammed but especially the one to town on a Friday, the best one to get. The joyful mix of people coming and people going. That night there were some rare seats going near the back, those dead awkward ones where you have to face the wrong way and either stare at a steamed up window or at the person in front. It was a long way into town so we sat in them anyway.

It was fucking freezing outside, just coming into November so of course the windows were fogged up

‘Sappenin girls?’ Joe shouted down to the front of the bus. They ignored him, ‘Come on girls, why you being shy?’

I stopped paying attention, I amused myself by drawing with my finger on the window. The kid in front of me caught my attention. Well when I say kid, I tend to mean anyone younger than me. Eighteen or nineteen. Definitely a student, this kid took it serious. I could tell. He was reading Shakespeare on the bus.

'Doubt that the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move his aides, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love' I couldn't help myself. For a minute I was eighteen again and it kind of fell out. Joe swung around to face me.

'The fuck was that, lad? You cracked again?' He was staring at me, but so was the kid I was facing.

'Nah. Don't you remember? It's from Hamlet innit? Don't you remember? From first year?' I pointed at the book the kid was holding. It was higher now, covering his face.

Joe sneered at me over his can of lager.

'Lad, I don't remember a thing from uni. That was ten years ago and I was drunker then than I am now' Joe's insistence that he didn't remember made me sad. I remembered it. I thought back to my time at uni often. I think I was happier then.

'Don't you wish you could go back though? Do it different this time? Or even do it the same, just to not do this shit?' Joe didn't want to talk about it, he moved to the edge of the seat and kept up his quips with the women down near the front. I think if I could go back, I would.

Town was booming when we got there. It was icy as fuck but every street was still a faceless mass of tight shirts and tiny dresses. The Friday people were out in force, they don't feel the cold. Payday weekend (there were so many people). I looked over at Joe just as he was doing another key, he was bouncing.

I made Joe stop into a new place I’d heard of. A proper low key affair with soft lighting and loads of private booths. After a few shots at the bar we chose a spot and sat down. Joe was still bouncing, I could see him looking every which way but at me. Always on the lookout for someone to harass.

'Reckon we'll see that girl from last week, Joe. The one with the blue hair?' He never answered me. 'What d'ya reckon, Joe? I want to see her again' That stopped him. He slammed his Jd and Coke down on the table, spilling some of it.

'Why?' He scowled at me, like every other time I'd tried to bring her up. I tried to explain,

'I don't know, she was just different. You get it, you met her!'

'They're all the same to me'

'She wasn't, Joe. She was different. We had loads of things to talk about. We were into all the same stuff. Don't you remember when she was shouting those Ginsberg poems at me outside the chippy?'

'So what if she reads the same stupid shite you do. Is that what you really want? So you can get married? Have kids? Have her fuck off and take everything, drop the kids of with at the weekends so she can go out and get twatted? I'm telling you. You don't need that. Life is good now. Enjoy it'

Joe threw back his drink in a mouthful, grabbed his jacket and stomped off toward the door. He muttered something about this not being our crowd. I'd liked the place. Lots of booths in the shadows and the music was chilled. Joe said it was like a wake.

The second club was much more to his liking. It had just turned midnight and the place was filling up. This was where the Friday people lived. There were bodies everywhere. Dancing and sweating all over each other, like they were all one being. Everyone seemed to be melting into everyone else.

Joe fascinated me as much as he repulsed me. I watched him as he watched the women. Even whilst he was ordering drinks his head was everywhere, eyes always looking somebody up and down. I think he did it differently than I did. He wasn't looking for one that appealed to him. He was like a predator, always searching for the easiest target, and for reasons I still can't fathom, it always worked. This isn't to say that he wasn't attractive, in fact he's one of them dead chiselled, bearded bastards, the ones that can slick their hair back and wear double denim and not look a twat. I’d tried double denim once, in an effort to be more like him. I couldn’t pull it off.

Fairly soon after we got there, Joe spotted his target. She was tall, red haired and loud. If I could have picked any woman in the room he’d go for. I would’ve picked her. It was fascinating to watch, he cut through the crowd, stood with his hand on her hip talking into her ear. Two minutes later, it was done. She had her arms around him and they danced manically, all elbows and angles. He’d had a few keys by then.

‘Hiya, I’m Angie’

I spun around. There was a woman smiling up at me, I was dumbstruck.

‘I thought I’d introduce myself, I’m out with her’ She pointed over at the woman Joe was dancing with, ‘I think you came in with him?’ She pointed back over at them. She’d stopped talking but hadn’t stop smiling. She was gorgeous, blonde hair, petite and that smile, it was incredible.

It had been an hour. Joe was still dancing with the girl I now knew as Josie and Angie had bustled me off to a booth in the corner. She brought over another round of shots. The third one.

‘Get them down ya’

She sat down in the booth and started knocking them back like a machine. I didn’t touch mine. Angie sat back when she was done and giggled, seemingly at nothing, then she looked straight at me, accusation clear in her eyes.

‘Why haven’t you touched your drinks? Something wrong?’

I didn’t know how to tell her. Last year I would have loved this, last week too probably. All I knew was that right now, I wasn’t having a good time.

Joe got off shortly after, I told you he worked fast. I spotted him across the dancefloor and he waved to me as he and his girl left, he gave me a conspiritory wink and nodded to my companion before grinning, then he was gone. So there I was, partially drunk, friendless and in the company of someone who was quite obviously more interested in me than I was her, who seemed to be hell bent on giving herself alcohol poisoning. Wonderful.

As much as I didn't want to be there, I didn’t really know what to do. I knocked back the shots that were still on the table, thinking they might help. They didn’t, everything was just a bit softer around the edges. That’s when I saw her. Right at the front of the club, waiting to be served, that same electric blue hair sticking out wildly.

‘I’ll just get us some more drinks’

I was there in a flash.

‘Excuse me’ I said and tapped lightly on her bare shoulder. She turned and smiled up at me expectantly, but it wasn’t her.

‘I’m very sorry, I thought you were someone else.’

I didn’t wait for a reply. I was gone. I scooted back to the booth where Angie was waiting.

‘What happened to getting drinks?’

It took me a minute to remember what she was on about.

‘Oh. The card machine was broken, it’s cash only tonight.’

‘Who the fuck goes out and doesn’t take cash?’

I shrugged at her. She was right of course. It was a terrible lie.

‘Just give me two minutes, there’s a cashie over the road.’

For the second time in as many minutes I didn’t wait for a response. I ducked out of the club and took a minute for myself against the wall. It was raining now, heavy. There were young men and women rushing about everywhere, diving in doorways or fighting over taxi’s with coats and jackets over their heads. I thought I saw her again, a flash of blue in the corner of my eye. I whipped around, ready to go to her. I was wrong again, this time it was even blue hair, it was a blue dress. I was losing my shit.

Angie was waiting for me when I came back inside (I was half hoping she would have left).

‘You sorted now?’

She looked annoyed. There was something in the angle she held her head.

‘Yeah, all fine for cash now’

I was seeing little flashes of blue everywhere now. Not just hair and dresses, but the lights in the club, even an ambulance passing outside made me jerk my head up. Angie was just twittering on, I had no idea what she was saying.

It's all a bit hazy from there. I gave up trying to put her off and just pounded back more drinks. I know it got a bit heavier than I intended. I know she kissed me a while later and I know it was at that point I gave up. We left the club together, both as drunk as shit trying to catch a cab, holding on to each other in a desperate attempt to not fall over in the ice.

I sobered up a little on the way home, more so than she did. She just lay her head on my shoulder and spent the whole ride talking. Mostly unintelligible things.

Dutch courage failed me when we got back. I'd decided on a plan of action. Get drunk. Get naked. Get rid. I tried my absolute hardest to be like Joe, I really did. Standing there in front of my door though, everything changed.

'What's up? Not going to let us in' I'd been leaning against the door for a while, I'd given up the pretence that I was drunk and looking for my keys. She moved close behind me and slid her arms around my middle.

I decided I wasn't going to lie.

'I'm really sorry, but I don't think I want to do this anymore' I felt her stiffen up around me.

'What d'ya mean? Put too much shit up your nose? Afraid you wont get it up? Let's just go inside. We'll figure it out' She spun me round to face her. She was a tiny little thing, about five foot two. It was hard looking down at her. I didn’t want her to be here. She didn't understand.

'I'm sorry, Angie. It was a mistake, I shouldn't have brought you back.'

The change was instantaneous, her eyebrows pulled together and she called me a word I'm not going to repeat here. I told her I was sorry but that just made it worse. She jerked her leg up and kneed me right in the balls. I don't have to tell you how much that hurts. I fell down obviously, and whilst I was on the floor she swung her bag and smashed it right into my face. And then she was gone.

I woke up on the floor right outside my flat, I think I'd just not bothered to get up after she floored me. I stayed there for a while with my thoughts. It hadn't been a good night, not by a long stretch. But I couldn't tell Joe about it, he didn't understand the little things. Well to be honest, I didn't understand them either, but I was aware of them at least. Joe was still lost in the excitement of it all, the rough and tumble and the chase. I was still lost in last week. Maybe that's when I'd decided I was done with it.

I got up and let myself in eventually. A sink full of dishes, a bin spilling over with ready meal packets and the little red two seater in the corner, complete as always with a single dirty coffee cup on the arm. And my bed. My glorious bed. The only thing I ever took pride in there in that shit hole. I made it every morning with military precision and it waited for me to get in, to say goodbye to another day.

Like most Friday nights, the minute I put my head down the room span, so I was up quick as a flash, as I said, this was common so I knew the procedure. A quick visit to the bathroom to knock it in the toilet, then off came the bloody shirt (I hadn't realised till I was in the bathroom that she'd popped my nose) and I got onto the bed properly, I felt better after that, I could sleep. I was careful where I placed my head though. The pillow on the right wasn't where mine went. I flipped it over and placed my hand on the part I kept hidden, the part that was still stained blue. It matched the skin on my chest, the bit that looked like a massive bruise. The stain I couldn't quite wash off.