Day 40: Shame - The Whore of Babylon

Shame is pervasive. It permeates every pore, shriveling and eating away at our hearts until we spiral. Guilt, remorse: These are emotions are common features of early sobriety. Shame and guilt are the companions that have held our hands throughout our addiction, waiting on our shoulders for our brief moments of lucidity before they whisper their poisons, and we once again pick up our poison. We don't speak of it, we bury it deeper and deeper and try to hide it until at some moment we snap. These feelings well inside of us, threatening to expel, eroding our reason. When we are in a spiral of shame and guilt we tend to be weighted down by negative self talk: "Why am I not good enough?" "Why did I do this?" "Why did I have that last glass? Why can't I say no?" These are all questions I circulated, and Shame would drive me to pick up the bottle again, to continue this endless cycle.
There are three components to relapse: emotional, mental, and behavioural. Our emotions are clever fiends, they tell us how to survive. Emotions, also are a key component in relapse symptoms. Shame is a universal emotion, not exclusive to those in recovery. Although many of us in early recovery find ourselves in the spiral of guilt and shame caused by our previous behaviour. This is a dangerous cycle, as these emotions are often what we were using to cover up in the first place. What we need to do is learn to build a tolerance and acceptance of shame and guilt, in order to deal with it in a healthy way. My challenge for everyone, is to try to break the negative spiral of thought patterns. Instead of "I can't have a drink" "I don't have to drink again", instead of "why did I do that?" think "how can I move forward?". Mistakes, embarrassments, shame, guilt, it happens to the best of us. None of us are saints. Everyone has their own amends to make. Own your actions, and focus on moving forward in your life. Guilt is a sign that perhaps behavioural corrective action needs to be taken. It is our brain's way of telling us that we did something that could be improved on. If we let that overtake us, we will be no good to anyone. Let the emotion serve it's purpose.
My shame and guilt today comes from not posting in so long. I made a goal to myself to write every day, to narrate my journey through recovery for anyone who cared to read it. I have been in a full time Partial Hospitalization Program here in my hometown. I have swallowed my pride and sought help I so desperately needed. I encourage all of you to reach out, to seek whatever support or treatment programs you may be able to. Thanks to you all, AA, and my treatment program today I am 40 days sober.40 days is a milestone I could have never seen myself reaching at Day 3 and 4 when I started writing. The difference is tremendous. I feel alert, energetic. I can think -- the fog has lifted! I have filled my time with healthier activities, reading, writing, singing. Finally, after an arduous journey I know I am still early setting out on -- I feel human again.
So everyone, don't let shame and guilt stop you. Accept how you feel, and take it one day at a time.
One step at a time, We'll get there together
Aella.