The Consequence of Adoption

The Consequence of Adoption
The standard dictionary defines adoption as "the action or fact of legally taking another's child and bringing him or her up as one's own." This defination sounds quite straight forward and uncomplicated while the reality is quite different. But I am getting ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning.
The year was 1972, the year I turned 18 years old and the year my daughter was born. Her birth was the most underrated experience of my life. There was no one there coaching me to breathe or to hold my hand, I was completely alone. Being alone was not much of a surprise to me, for several reasons. The main reason was the outcome of the choices I had made thus far in my young life. In addition the roads I travelled had always been steep and lonely.
I was an only child, my adolescence had been a nightmare for me and for my parents. It wasn't their fault, the years had just come together in such a way and with such force that I was unable or ill equiped to cope. It is the truth when people say that the young think they know it all and can survive anything. That was the way my mind worked at the time. I thought that no matter what happened I would always come through with flying colors and end up on my feet every time.
That is not what happened. Here I was in 1972, pregnant, alone, scared and unsure of what to do next. The day after my daughter was born I held her completely stunned by how tiny she was and how fragile the situation had become. I wanted this moment, this moment with my little girl in my arms to never end. She felt so light, looked so perfect. My heart filled with so much love, the intensity so overwhelmed me that tears fell from my eyes like rain as she took hold of my thumb and squeezed tightly. Throughout the pregnancy and during the delivery I still had not known what I was going to do, but as she squeezed my thumb the clairity of the situation came beaming through my tears. I knew then what I must do. I watched her sleep and said my goodbyes.
A month or so later I had to finalize the issue of giving up my parental rights in front of a judge. At the time this judge told me that if I wanted to I could place my baby in foster care and try to get my life in order so that I could take custody. This option had never been voiced to me by anyone else either during the pregnancy or immediately after the birth so this suggestion took me by surprise. It took me only a few minutes to conclude that this option would not work for me. But my main reason for turning it down was for the baby. I explained to the judge that I did not think this would be fair to the child. This baby was having a rough enough start in life as it was, I did not want to complicate things for her even further by trying something that I knew would not work. So I signed away my parental rights and left feeling I had done the right thing.
Approximately four years later I found myself in the same situation, pregnant, alone and unsure of what to do. But because I was four years older I decided that I could not ignore my obligations as a mother again and kept my second child. My son has been the joy of my life every day for the past 44 years so I have no regrets. Raising him has made me the person that I am. Several years passed and it was never lost on me that I was in the unique situation of knowing both sides of the coin so to speak in terms of keeping a child or putting a child up for adoption. During this time it never occured to me that my daughter would ever want to find me. I was wrong.
The year was 1997 and for reasons that I am still unsure of I submitted my name to a list with the local Children's Aid Society. This list was intended to help adoptive children or biological parents find each other. When I think back on it now I suppose one of the reasons that I signed the list was in case my biological daughter needed health information, to me that made signing the list a sensible thing to do.
A few months after signing that list my biological daughter contacted me. From the very beginning she made it clear that she wanted a relationship with me. I was guarded at first mainly because I knew that she did not know about my son and my son did not know about her. In other words I put myself in a very precarious position. When I told my son about my biological daughter he could have rejected me as well as her. But to his credit he welcomed her with open arms and overlooked my shortcomings which I am eternally grateful for. My biological daughter and I met and things went pretty well between us as well as between her and the rest of my family including my son. Over the years I had heard horror stories about reunions that did not go well or that didn't last but in our case things were different.
We forged ahead having a relatively good relationship for 17 years. This did not last, in my heart of hearts I knew it wouldn't. During those years I cannot recall ever saying I love you to my biological daughter or her saying that to me. That is not to suggest that love was not there, it was, it was just hidden behind words we could not find. In my heart she was and is my blood but in my mind she was more like a friend. She never treated me like I was her Mom because she has a Mom and its not me. A person does not become a parent just by virtue of giving birth. Its the love, the caring and the nurturing as the child grows up that truly makes a person a parent.
So our relationship ended after 17 years and it ended badly. At this point I doubt that I will ever see her again which in some ways is very sad but in others is not a surprise. So the questions I find myself asking now are would I do it again and would I recommend giving a baby up for adoption to someone else if they asked my opinion? The answer to both of those questions is yes, without hesitation. I am not saying that giving a baby, a part of yourself away, is easy, in fact it is gut wrenching. But for me and I expect for a lot of other women it was the right choice.
Adoption can be a beautiful thing. There are so many couples out there who would make wonderful parents and there are many, perhaps too many, children out there who need loving families. But adoption is also a very personal decision. It is not something that can be discussed over dinner or in front of the fireplace. Even if the decision is made it is the kind of choice that breaks the heart and diminishes the soul of the girl or woman having to do it for whatever reason. The pain never goes away even when the child in question will have a better life with someone else.
That pain is the true consequence of adoption.