Cocktails for Two

COCKTAILS FOR TWO

I opened the door and walked into the room.
Took off my shades and peered into the gloom.
On first impression, my mates could be right,
This might be the place to ‘pull’ tonight.
I’d been down the gym, pumped iron for an hour.
Massaged my muscles under the shower.
There was just enough sweat left to give me a shine,
Not a hair out of place; I looked simply divine.

The music was loud; the décor was shoddy,
The lighting was perfect to show off my toned body.
I glanced in the mirror, a ravishing sight,
Some female was going to strike lucky tonight.
I sat down on a stool and sipped a Pink Gin,
I felt sure this evening my luck would kick in.
Just looking around at the competition,
Confirmed I was in a winning position.

A puny young teenager, hair shocking pink,
Sat on my left staring into his drink.
Tattooed all over, piercings galore,
I didn’t much rate his chances to score.
With glazed eyes he attempted to focus on me.
Slurring, “ Hey man, it’s cool stuff, this Ecstasy”
Totally spaced, stoned out of his skull,
No way that loser was going to pull.

On my right an old man, his face thin and gaunt,
Not much on offer and nothing to flaunt.
A physical wreck, he’d gone to the dogs.
I feared any moment he might pop his clogs.
“Alright mate?” I asked. “Not really,” said he,
“I’ve only got three months to live you see.”
“But, you look well,” I lied. “A proper survivor.”
Then I bought him a cocktail - a ‘Corpse Reviver.’

I approached a cute chick, perched high on a stool,
Legs up to her bottom, decidedly cool,
Exquisite calf muscles, ankles and knees,
There for the taking; this should be a breeze.
I threw back my shoulders, straightened my back,
Took a deep breath to enhance my six-pack.
“Well, hello there darling, you sweet little thing,
Let me treat you to a Singapore Sling.”

“Oh, bog off you poser, just don’t push your luck,
All I want you to sling is your hook.
Leave me alone; I’ve the headache from hell,
I don’t need a pain in the neck as well.”
She didn’t fool me; I could tell she was smitten,
I have what it takes to melt any sex kitten.
But she’d blown her chance; I’d leave her to pine.
I sauntered away; her loss not mine.

In an alcove I spotted another fine lass,
Dressed to the nines, now this one had class.
I unbuttoned my jacket to show off my pecs,
A sure fire magnet for the opposite sex.
“Hi there, gorgeous.” I gazed into her eyes.
“Let me tempt you with a Tequila Sunrise.
Then later at my place…” I blew her a kiss.
“I’ll let you sample my ‘Banana Bliss.’”

She looked down her nose, then asked “Do you mind?”
Her stare was ice cold; her voice so refined.
“ One wouldn’t be seen with the common masses,
One only mixes with the upper classes.”
I rippled my triceps and flashed her a smile.
“Oh come on baby, you can see I’ve got style.”
“The only thing I see is an ignorant swine,
So go put your cocktail where the sun doesn’t shine.”

At that moment a pickpocket, quick as a flash,
Emptied a customer’s pocket of cash.
But before he’d had chance to escape through the door,
I’d jumped up and pinned him down to the floor.
Now this was sure to boost my chances,
Lots of attention and admiring glances.
I picked out the victim and returned his money.
He patted my bum and said, “ Thank you honey.”

“Hey barman sweety, as quick as you can,
A double Wall banger for this hunky man.”
His arm round my waist, his hand started to stray,
“Mmmm, your body’s a temple, can I enter to pray?”
I felt myself blushing, I lowered my eyes.
Oh God, he’d forgotten to do up his flies!
From the look of that bulge, my mates had been right.
It certainly looked like I’d pulled here tonight.