Broken

I guess everything really started when I turned 14. I was an insecure girl, always self conscious and paranoid about my looks, and I lived in a house where confidence was key. My mother, Raya, an attractive woman who had married out of high school, was the epitome of confidence. She always wore funky, unique clothes that no one else would ever have the nerve to wear. She smoked heavily, always smelling of cigarettes and perfume. She had flowing long blonde hair and piercing sky eyes that seemed to follow me wherever I went, watching, protecting me somehow. Then, I turned 14. I started to fix myself up, and sometimes Raya would help. She didn't like me to call her "Mom", so I just used her first name. When she did help, she always told me i looked stunning, a spitting image of her. What she saw I did not know, since I saw a girl with lightly-browned skin, hideous freckles, and tangled blonde waves of hair. To me, Raya was like the sun.
Raya always believed in soulmates.She would pray everyday to God for him to send her one.You see, my father, Hayward Wilson, was an abusive drunkie. He always hit her and verbally abused her in the most horrifying ways.He was, in a sense, demonic. He was finally sent to jail after the divorce lawyer of our little town spotted what he had done to Raya.We moved to a big house on the West side of town, and we started anew, just me and Raya.

Our life was very different without Daddy. It seemed to be so quiet and peaceful. We never had to worry about getting hurt or hit. We had our own life now. We needed to move on. But, it was harder than it looked. I couldn't concentrate in school. I kept thinking of Daddy's vicious, snarling glares at Raya through his dark sunglasses, or when they would have fighting matches with the bedroom door shut tight. I would always wonder if this time Raya would finally win.But, as always in such a relationship, the man usually does the hitting. Soon, Raya was fed up with him. That's when we left.

Chapter 2

Soon enough, I was fifteen. I was more interested in guys and cars and parties than my mother and her problems. She got into drinking, and all those things that I admired were gone. Her skin no longer glowed with the confidence she had previously had. Her eyes,the blue ones, looked a sad gray. Her hair was messy, stringy and wispy, because she never did have time to comb it. She worked the night shift at a factory to keep us living, so she didn't have time when she got up to fix herself up pretty.She never smiled anymore, and her teeth were yellow from smoking. The cigarettes made her voice raspy, too. She slept through the whole day, and at night I was supposed to wake her up at ten o'clock. At first, i didn't have anywhere to go anyway, so I'd stop watching TV and wake her up. But soon, I was making good friends.I would stay out late and forget to wake her up.For Christmas that year, I got her an alarm clock, but she was such a sound sleeper that she'd never wake up.She was losing jobs right and left. We had very little money, so I had to get a job, too. I missed every dance that year, including the prom that I was invited to by a junior.His name was Alex Mareno, and I was smitten by his dashing good looks and his wit. He had taken me out a few times, but nothing like the prom. I even had a dress in mind, before Raya started losing jobs.

Soon, I noticed Raya was becoming even drowsier.She would go to sleep right after she finished a drink, then she'd sleep until after six at night. I always had to scrounge up whatever I could find, and I did the shopping. I washed all the clothes, and I bought everything we needed, including dish soap and new silverware.Usually, we ate off paper plates, but sometimes Raya would bring some crackhead boyfriend to dinner, so the plates had to be nice.I hated when she did that, because then the boyfriend would spend the evening looking at my chest, and then she'd yell at me when the boyfriend was out of range. Yeah right, as if I want an old fogie addict looking down MY shirt!Soon, I just gave up. She could live her life and I could live mine. So, I moved in with my best friend, Kasee Morris.

Chapter 3

Kasee Lyn.She was sleek, like a cat, and very slippery, almost foxlike. She was skinny, and tall, with jet black hair and green cat eyes. I wouldn't trust that girl if she paid me to. She slinked around like some kind of prowler, only facing the moon, never daring to enter the natural world during the day.She was, however, all alone, so she seemed like the best option. Plus, she never made me feel crowded.She was always holed up in her room, listening to the Doors or some of the Beatles, and some other stuff I had never heard of. I just sat in my room alone during the day, after school, and I would read or write poems about my mother, or my dad. I wondered what my dad was doing now. Would he be out of jail? I doubt it. Last I heard he was doing some heavy time. I would stare at that picture I had of the three of us. Me, Dad, Raya. Raya still had her glow then. I was low on teeth, since I was only but seven or so. My dad, Hayward, the big, strong, burly man that he was, seemed to tower intimidatingly over us, always watching what we did, every move we made.I'd put down the picture quickly, breathing in hard, then catching my breath. His face still sent shivers down my spine.

Chapter 4

Soon, my sixteenth birthday had rolled around. As expected, Raya forgot, but Alex, somehow, didn't. He showed up at the front door of Kasee's apartment at six-thirty a.m. with flowers, chocolates, and concert tickets. He had music, romantic music, playing loudly from a CD player in the background. That was what woke me up. I was armed with a big pillow that I was ready to throw out the window, but then I saw him, Alex, I mean. He was standing there, looking patiently at my window,his dark eyes intent. His hair was softly blowing in the spring breeze. I smiled, shocked, and tears began rolling down my face. No one had ever done anything so beautiful for me before. I was just the lonely girl who sat in the corner during the day, waiting. But, somehow, Alex knew what I really wanted, which was to be loved.

I ran outside, slippers and pj's on, and hugged him. I flung my shivering arms around his neck.He ran his strong hands through my hair and whispered,"Happy Birthday, Rubie."
I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed him. I turned his head to face me, and just kissed him, like in the movies. After that I just knew. Raya was right. Soulmates DO exist.

So, every night after I got off work, Alex would pick me up and take me home. We would watch movies, or eat takeout, anything to be together. And, that year when the prom rolled around, I finally got to go. My dress, my hair, everything was done. I was in ecstacy, but sadly, not for long. Because, one day, Raya came back to see me.

Chapter 5

I was at home with Alex one night when I heard a weak knock on the door. It was around ten o'clock, so I figured it was just Kasee. I lazily opened the door, but then, I realized who it was. It was Raya, standing wet and drunk in my doorway. I let her in cautiously, and then shut the door.
"Alex," I said. "This is my mom, Raya. You remember me talking about her don't you?"
"Yeah, vaguely," he replied, trying to lighten the obviously awkward moment.
"Raya, this is Alex, my boyfriend."
"Hi." Her voice was raspy and unclear. She was more drunk than I'd ever seen her. I told her to sit down, but she resisted.
"So, Rubes, I see you got yourself... a, um, nice, place here. Except for all a that,uh, stuff,uh,and, uh that ugly couch over, a, there."
Well, thanks, Raya, I'm glad to see you have an opinion about everything."
"Well, Rubie, what do you expect?"
"I don't know, Raya! I figured maybe you would have gotten better or something!"
"Well, I didn't did I? Did I? I'm just a stupid drunk addict who's dying and would like to see her daughter!"
I paused. Something I heard didn't sound quite right.
"You're dying?"
"Yes, I am. My liver, It's failing me."
"I would figure since you live on alcohol."
I stopped. I felt guilty.She was dying, so I should have given her the benefit of the doubt.
"That was a bit harsh, I know, Raya, but it was true. You've got to stop. Because, if you don't you will just be killing yourself faster! Do you want to die? I want an answer, Raya, do you want to die?"
Those next few minutes felt like hours. Raya sat quietly on the couch, breathing slowly, trying to find the words to counteract the harshness of what I had just said. I sat snuggling next to Alex, my head on his shoulder, crying. Why did Raya have to come now? My life was finally becoming my very own fairy tale, and she had come and turned into the dragon. I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them up, Raya was leaning over me.
"Rubie," she whispered. " I don'twant to die. I want to make up for making your life miserable."
"You can't."
I sounded cold, but it was true. As far as I was concerned, there was no way she could EVER make up for what she did to me.
"Raya," I started. " There is no way you can possibly make up for what you've done. You turned my life upside down. You changed everything I ever admired about you. I always thought you were amazing, with your beautiful hair and eyes, oh, and your confidence. But, when Dad went to jail, you started to drink. Then, everything I ever loved about you went away. My dreams, my aspirations for being like you, every bit of it went out the window. You can make up for everything else, but my dreams, they can't be replaced."
Raya burst into sobs. Deep, heaving sobs, with a flood of tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Why?" She suddenly shouted."Why did you look up to me? There were so many things wrong with me, and yet you found good. How?"
"I looked up to you because I was young. I saw only the good in everyone, and when you started doing all those bad things, I was broken. I couldn't believe you weren't perfect. But now, I know no one is, and you were just someone who got caught up in imperfections. I finally saw reality."
"I missed you." She just flat out said it.That thing I had wondered about for all of that time, the words I always wanted to hear, that she was thinking about ME.
"You did?" I could hardly believe it!
"Yes, very much. Through all the druggie boyfriends, the alcohol, the treatment centers, the hospitals, I still wondered how you were. I wanted to know how my baby was."
" I never knew."
I was speechless. I grabbed Raya and hugged her. She was bony, ribs poking me.
"Here, Raya," I whispered. Let's get you something to eat."
Alex wrapped his arms around my waist and escorted me to the kitchen.We fixed sandwiches, and we all sat in the living room until well past two in the morning, when we all fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning though, Raya was gone, but she left me a note.
It said:
Dear Rubie,
Thank you for talking to me. I am glad thta I finally know where you are and how you're doing. I love you, and I'm glad your life is turning out well. I would have stayed, but I need to get back to the hospital. Dr. Brewster can be a real stick in the you-know-where sometimes. So, I'll be seeing you. Come see me, at Beckley Village Hospital and Health Center.Room 901, can't miss it. It has all your baby pictures on the outside of it. I've got to go.
Love,
Raya


I woke a sleeping Alex up, and showed him the note, which he read, then smiled. He kissed my cheek and said,
" We'll go visit her tomorrow."

Chapter 6
Soon enough, the years seemed to fly by. We got Raya some treatment, and in a few years, she will be pronounced sober. Both Alex and I graduated, and Raya came to see it, both times. She says I picked a good one. I think so too.
Alex is going to Westchester College, and I am going there also, since we'll need to be together when we get married. We've been engaged for nearly a year. We dream of having kids, and we don't want what my parents had. We want a happy life, so we pledged ourselves against drinking and smoking. We are stopping a problem before it starts, and we are trying to solve Raya's problem,too. She is getting a liver transplant next week.
My only thought is that I am not broken any more, and I am overjoyed. Though my life has not been easy, it is turning out to be amazing.