Traffic Must Go On

How to Block Traffic and Influence People

This may seem too localized to apply to everyone, but I am sure that every city, large town and several smaller villages are going through, or planning on going through, or will be forced to go through the same insanity that is currently affecting Denver, Colorado.
It is called T-REX, or Transportation Expansion Project. It started simply enough, with a few traffic engineers and a keg of Coors Lite. After half the keg, they issued the results of their first study. They concluded that people are driving all the way through Denver and some of the commuters were driving 21 minutes. Neither of these was acceptable.
The second study showed that they needed a plan needed a name that exuded big, mean and tough. Motorists tend to stop and throw rocks at construction workers if they are being delayed for hours in traffic by a project named “Little Pink Bunny.”
They devised a seven-year plan to stop all this traffic flow. The first 2 years have done quite well. Only a third of the people drive all the way through town and the commute time is up to 35 minutes. The third that still make it all have 4 wheel drive vehicles, a encyclopedic knowledge of every alley in the metro area, and Global Positioning equipment. The engineers believe they can stop these few by demolition of strategic overpasses and bridges.
One third is now being detoured through Frozen Mule, Wyoming, (town motto—It ain’t cold ‘till the brass monkey sings tenor.) and the other third has given up and gone home. Hopefully, this can be reversed and the ones that are giving up will be able to go to Frozen Mule. Commuters are still able to get to work, but, it requires at least two days prior planning, a cell phone, a CB radio, a road map that is updated daily, and listening to the up-to–the-minute traffic reports. Motor home sales have increased as some commuters now spend their adult lives in traffic jams.
To relieve the boredom of being stuck in traffic jams for hours, Colorado passed a law allowing people to carry concealed weapons. Motorists are not more polite, but have a working knowledge of what “mutual assured destruction” means. Caliber and rate of fire now determine right of way. In some stores, ammunition is on a 2-month back-order.
The city planning commission has learned many lessons from this project that they would like to share with other communities. The main one is –Hire non-drinking traffic engineers