Asolute Crap...the 3 AM experiment

Driven by a passion that I cannot explain. Stopped dead in my tracks by a love that I don’t understand. Dead in my shell because I cannot act. Bound by formless chains that seem as real as steel. I am caught without a choice, not even a way to apologize. I hate myself for what I have done to you, to myself, to everyone around me. I know no way to make this right. I love you and only you, I fear myself for that. I don’t know what I will do next. I feel lost and so alone. I think that I may cry. But that will do no good. I still remember the beginning, I seemed to be happier then. I hope someday to make this right, I hope to forget. I wish that I could erase my mind, I wish that this could end. I hope that you can understand this, although I know that you can’t. I wish that you could forget, at least, then my mind would be free. Damn it all I am a fool, I have fucked up big. I hope that you understand, but I think I’ve already said that. I don’t know what I am doing here I don’t know how to cope. I wish for myself so many things I wish that you could see me now. Now that I am weak. Maybe then you’d understand all the things that I have said. You never once believed me, but then you probably shouldn’t have. I sit here crying now, with only my laptop as relief. I love you more than life itself, are you blind, can’t you see. I wish that you could see me now, I wish you were with me. I am lost and I don’t know what to say. You know how I feel. Pain floods my insides now, because I let it be. Pain floods my inner cells, because I bring it on myself. Never would I hurt myself, at least not physically. The way that I kill myself is completely emotionally. I wish that you could see me now, I wish that I could breathe. It is too late for me to look back now, I wish I had shut my mouth. I talk too much and I say too little. I want to tell you just one thing, I want you to see me as I am now. For that is truly me. What you hear now, is just a rant. Of that you can be sure. But it is a rant with a purpose, and I have a message to convey. I love you, my angel, I love you. I wish that I could explain it more. I wish that you could be here now. I need to see your smile, so that I can see again. I need to look into your eyes, so I know that it will be alright. I need to feel your silken hair, so that I can feel your love. I need to kiss your beautiful lips, so that I can breathe again. I need most of all just to see you, so that I can meet my god. I need to see you again so that I can come alive. I am alone and scared that I will always be, but of that I am certain will be. I wish so many things, but for you most of all. I have narrowed it down to only two things and one just doesn’t compare. You are my sun, you are my moon. You are the reason I am. Forget the world forget the gods, I am yours sincerely. I cannot deny my mind this delight, I cannot deny myself this joy, I dream of you and you fill my mind. All is right with me. I cannot imagine what I would have done, can’t imagine a different choice. I am glad that things turned out this way, at least I can now breathe. I am buried in the love I feel, I am lost in the way you look at me. I cannot wake up from this wondrous dream, or my state of numb revelry. You are the light, you are the dark. You are all that I see. I close my eyes and I see yours, staring back at me. I am here, sitting alone, and I can barely see. The tears in my eyes are making them sore, and I cannot let go. I sing for your soul, I crave for your heart. I want what I can’t have. I feel so dumb, I feel like I’m mindless. I wish that my tears would dry. I love you more than I can express in words. I never felt even remotely like this I never thought that I would do this. I always thought that I would break before I would ever bend. I say this now, I actually am saying it out loud. I love you my angel, and I cannot see life without you there for me. I wonder now if you ever felt like I do right now. I wonder if you have ever loved. I wonder if you love me. I hope that you do, although I know you do not. At least not the way that I hope. Well I miss you now and I don’t know how to make you see what is so plain to me. I love you and I want you to know.