My Life Before Shady Pines

Ya know, I used to be a completely normal teenage girl. Then I met Atrus. Now, at the age of seventeen, I have been diagnosed with manic-depression, multiple personality disorder, a few other things I can never remember, and am sitting in one of the therapy rooms at Shady Pines Center for Adolescent Mental Health. OK, so there’s more to it than that, but you get the idea, it’s all Atrus’ fault.
“Jennifer, would you like to tell me how you think you got to this point in your life?” the therapist, Dr. Jones or something like that, is giving me one of Those looks. The ones where they lean forward and look at you with their eyes wide like they’re actually listening to what you say.
“Haven’t we been over this?” I growl at her, narrowing my eyes and crossing my arms over my chest. “It’s all because of Atrus.” She sighs and sits back in her chair.
“Perhaps we should start at the beginning.” She says in a placating tone. It’s like she thinks I’m gonna wig out and try to strangle her or something. I mean, that only happened once, and to be fair, it wasn’t technically me. I growl again and settle back in my own chair.
“Fine.”
~*~
“It all started back in junior year. I was still perfectly normal then. I didn’t have very many friends, but the one’s I did have I was really close to. I had a Vocational Training class that took me out of the school building, so I ended up having three lunch periods. I would come in at the beginning of second lunch and leave at the end of fourth lunch.
‘For the first couple of weeks things went fairly normal. I’d come into the commons, go over to the usual table, and sit with my friends. There were only a couple of us at first. One of them was Alanna; she was probably one of the better friends I had at the time. Her most notable feature is her hair. It’s red, like flame colored red, with just enough blonde tones in it to look like copper. I think that’s why all the guys I know go insane over her at least once. Every one I’ve ever talked to about things like that tells me that they have a secret thing for redheads. The only other one was Kayla. She used to be a bit slutty. She never actually did anything, but she dressed really raunchy.
‘One day Alanna brings over this freshman guy and a couple of his friends. That was when I first met Atrus. He wasn’t very tall back then, only about 5’6”, but he had presence, ya know what I mean? He was the kind of person you’d never be able to pick out of a crowd because of certain facial features, but you just felt something when he was around. I fell head over heels the first day. Pathetic huh?
‘I had known him for all of two weeks before I decided to ask him to homecoming that year. He had said that if he didn’t have a date he wasn’t going. Now, I couldn’t imagine having homecoming without Atrus. It just wouldn’t have been the same. Naturally he had already asked somebody. He did however tell me that if she said no, he would go with me. So I suppose, technically, I could blame it all on Hope. She turned him down. So Atrus wrote me a note and asked if I was only asking him out because I wanted him to go to the dance, or if I actually liked him. I’m sure you can guess where it went from there.
‘So Atrus and I got to be really close, when we weren’t with each other we were talking on the phone together. I was Atrus’ first kiss. It wasn’t anything naughty, there weren’t even tongues involved with it, but it was his first kiss nonetheless. Things were great until homecoming actually came around about a month later. My Physics grade had slipped, my father told me that it was time for me to concentrate more on my schoolwork, and that I shouldn’t have a boyfriend until I had gotten my priorities straight. That meant that I had to break things off with Atrus.
‘All of homecoming I was pretty much a wreck. Finally I asked Alanna and her boyfriend, Justin, if they would help me do what had to be done. Justin agreed and took him aside and talked to him, explaining that I didn’t want to, but my father wasn’t leaving me much of a choice. Atrus and I both moped around like lost puppy dogs for the rest of the night. It was the day after that that things first went wrong, and I didn’t even notice.
‘I knew that Atrus had some mental health issues, he had told me that outright, not wanting to keep something like that a secret. However, at that time, I didn’t know that he had split personalities. Apparently, though I didn’t learn about that aspect of it until over a year later, one of those splits took over for him while he was trying to deal with not having me. This Split cast a spell to make me want to be with Atrus no matter what.”
~*~
“Wait.” Dr. Jones interrupted. Damn that woman! She wanted me to start at the beginning and I did, now what does she want? “You said that you believe he cast a spell to make you love him?” I glare at her again and brush my fingers over the scarring on my left arm.
“No, I told you that I know he cast a spell on me.” Some people just shouldn’t exist, particularly therapists.
“So you believe in witches and wizards and things like that?” I growl a little when I see her pull out that thrice-damned yellow notebook. She always writes down these idiotic things on a piece of the paper and then clips it into my file folder every time she thinks she’s found an idiosyncrasy.
“I don’t believe in wizards, no, I do however believe in witches.” I give her a smug smile. “Do some research sometime. It’s a religion called Wicca; its practitioners are referred to as witches. They cast spells and perform magical rites. Now, do you want me to tell my story or what?” She looks up from the notes she’s taking.
“Yes, please continue.” I sigh and shake my head, and then I get up and move over to the leather couch that she has set up in her room. Hey, the way I figure it, if I have to be running around in pajamas I should at least be able to lie down whenever I feel like it. And remembering the things that landed me in this place is really starting to give me a headache.
“On second thought,” I tell her with a slight grimace. “Maybe I could just tell you more next time. I really don’t feel like doing this right now.” Predictably, Dr. Jones nods and tells me that I can go back to my room.
Ah, my room, my lovely little room with rubber on the walls and no door. With my own lovely little roommate who’s a self-destructive pathological liar. Home sweet home, yeah right. Don’t get me wrong though, Janelle is nice and all, but I like my privacy. There’s just something about not having a door and having a roommate that kinda puts a snag in that whole idea.
Now, Shady Pines has a system of sorts. After you reach a certain level in your therapy, then you get to become what they call a prefect. In fancy British boarding schools, a prefect is an advanced student that has a certain amount of authority over the other students. Therefore, Shady Pines has prefects in a pathetic attempt to make us think that this is just a special kind of school. Yeah, sure, that works. Anyway, the prefects at Shady Pines help the newer people and the people who aren’t taking to therapy well. Like me. They ‘escort’ us to where we want to go, and keep an eye on us while we do things like work on our homework or do arts and crafts. There is a prefect waiting outside the room for me when I leave. I’d had this one before. Gods she annoys me though. She has the same fake happiness that all the people here seem to have.
“So Jenny, where would you like to go now?” she asks, bopping her pony tail around. I narrow my eyes at her and glare.
“I would like to go home, but since that isn’t gonna happen, I suppose I can settle for my room. And do not call me Jenny. My name is Jennifer, not Jenny, Jen-ni-fer.”
“You seem to be upset today, did your session not go well?” She asks, with a fake sympathetic look. I swear, everything here is fake.
“None of your business.” I tell her as I stalk off towards my room. She’s got to jog to catch up to me. When she finally manages to she at least has the common sense not to talk.
“Hey roomie!” A singsong voice floats out of my room. I let out what must be the millionth long-suffering sigh I must have done today.
“Hello Janelle.” I mumble, at least this means I can ditch that damned prefect. At least Janelle’s happiness is semi-real happiness. The girl is seriously manic. It’s kind of scary sometimes. She’ll just sit and talk for like six hours straight about her Uncle Ricky and her Cousin Bobby. Who by the way used to be in a coma because he got into a bar fight but since he’s woken up he’s become a mini-Uncle Ricky, … and that’s when I stop listening.
“You will never guess what I saw today.” She says as she hops on her bed, it’s really odd to see a girl with hot pink pigtails bouncing on a bed with hospital green sheets while wearing Pikachu pj’s.
“Nurse Danny getting it on with Dr. Miller in a closet.” I guess sardonically as I toe off my slippers. She stops bouncing and looks at me with really wide, completely shocked eyes.
“Oh my God! How did you guess?” My head snaps up to look at her in surprise, while it normally wouldn’t surprise me to find out that the two closet cases in the institution were having an illicit affair, I didn’t think even they would be stupid enough to get caught. She laughs at me. “Just kidding!” I growl at her too, and glare for good measure.
“Then what did you see Janelle.” I said, purely to humor her, I know she’ll never let it rest until I do.
“I saw them bring in a new boy, he’s kinda cute and apparently he’s another one like you.” She giggles at me when I raise my eyebrow. Gods it drives me insane when she does that! Ya know, that’s kind of ironic seeing as how I’m already in a loony bin.

“What do you mean, another one like me?”
“I mean, he’s got the splits.” Wait for it, wait for it, ah, there it is, exasperated sigh number one million and one. “He kept screaming at them to ‘unhand’ him, that ‘no one treats Darshan like this’!” I’m about to laugh at her corny male voice imitation when what she actually said catches up with me.
“Oh, shit.” I stammer, I can feel the weird feeling in my chest that only happens when one of my Jennifer-derivatives, as I refer to them, comes out.
~*~
It takes me a second to catch up with where I am. It always does when I get to take over again. Damn. No, that’s not explicit enough. Fuck. There we go, much better. They put me in a solitary. Solitaries are the happy rooms with padded walls, a one-foot by six-inch barred window, and a very thick door that also has an itty-bitty -not-even-worth-measuring barred window in it. They only put people in here when they’re particularly violent. I look up from where I’m sitting in the corner when I notice that the door is opening. Oh, goody, it’s Dr. Jones. I seriously hate that woman.
“Jennifer, is it you again?” she asks in this sweet voice that reminds me of those marshmallow Peeps things that they only ever have at Easter. Way too sweet and completely fake. All I do is glare and nod.
“Do you know what brought out one of your other personalities?” What is it with therapists and asking obvious questions?
“Yes. Atrus is here.” She gives me a slightly sheepish look, and my eyes widen as I begin to shake with rage. “You knew? You knew that the guy I could blame being here on is here! And you decided that this wasn’t something I needed to know?” Oh God I am pissed! How could they keep something like that from me?
“Well you never did finish explaining why you think he’s the reason you’re here so I went ahead and gave them the green light.” She began, I of course have absolutely no intention of letting her finish though and interrupt, hissing my words through clenched teeth.
“You want to know more of the reason? Fine, I’ll tell you. I left off with him casting a spell on me right?” I barely wait for her nod.
~*~
“After the Non-Atrus cast the spell, I was even more miserable. I wanted to be with him more than anything, more than I wanted life. That’s when the cutting started. The scars on my arm came about from run-ins with sharp pointy objects that I had during the three days I actually listened to my father and stopped dating Atrus.
‘I caved right after he found out about it. He just got this absolutely terrified look on his face and pulled me really close to him. I mean, I could barely breathe he was holding me so tight. He kept whispering that I had to stop, that he couldn’t lose another person he cared about. That was the only time I ever cried on his shoulder. We were back together by the end of that lunch period.
‘As hard as it is to believe, we were even closer after that. We did everything together. We went to the mall, to movies, hell; we even went to the library together. We were the perfect couple. Everyone knew that we were an item, even if they didn’t know our names. It was always Jennifer and Atrus. Everyone just kinda assumed we would always be together, even me I guess. I don’t know, but we were together for six months after the ‘Homecoming Incident’ as it came to be called. Then he broke up with me for the first time.
‘I was devastated. Everything for the rest of that day was a blur. There are parts of the day that I don’t remember, not because of a blackout, but because I was in that much pain. Alanna told me later that I had smacked him pretty hard, that I had even left a mark where my ring was on my finger.
‘I was sitting with Justin during third lunch that day, and he was at a complete loss. He didn’t know how to handle crying women. He did the only thing he really knew how to do, he threatened to kill Atrus. He gave up when that only made me cry harder. That was when I first got close to my now best friend, Lenore. She just sat beside me and put her hand on my shoulder. Then she said something to the effect of ‘in a sick and twisted way, this makes me happy. Happy that I’ve never had a serious relationship’. I couldn’t help it, I laughed at that. She’s been there for me ever since, with that same dry sense of humor.
‘This time the breakup lasted for about a week before we both decided that we were much happier together than we were apart. He said that the only reason he had broken it off to begin with was because he thought I would be happier without him. Things weren’t quite the same between us though. I guess that that much was my fault. I just couldn’t trust him quite as much anymore, the doubt was there and no amount of sorries could make it go away. This go round only lasted about a month. Then he broke up with me again.
‘This time I was even worse, because instead of us getting back together like I assumed we would, he asked me three days later if I would mind if he dated Desde, a sophomore girl that I considered a ‘good acquaintance’. We weren’t exactly what you would call ‘friends’ but at that point in time anyway, we didn’t completely detest each other. I had known her since my freshman year; we used to share a bus stop. What was I supposed to do when he asked me that? Tell him that ‘no you can’t date her, I’m still madly in love with you, come back to me’!”
~*~
I stop talking now, as I curl up into myself, trying desperately to stop the pain that is encased there, the pain that grows with every beat of my heart. A pain that would stop, if my heart only would. Dr. Jones is still kneeling in front of me. She stands now and offers me her hand, she smiles a little when I do nothing but glare up at her.
“I think you would be more comfortable in my office, Jennifer.” She says, she sounds like she’s trying to talk to a freaking wild animal or something. “The only reason we were still in here was that we wanted to make sure that you were you.” I nod and stand to follow her as she leaves the room. “By the way, your other personality gave your roommate quite the scare.” My whole body jerks the instant that I stop.
“Oh, no, Janelle! Is she alright, the other didn’t hurt her did she?” I can’t help myself; I’m stumbling over my words. I don’t know how I could live with myself if I hurt Janelle. She was perfectly innocent; she didn’t deserve to be hurt just because she was sitting to close to a non-me.
“No, she’s quite fine. Apparently your other self had a very interesting conversation with her. Mind you Janelle was sitting in a corner, and the multiple had her pinned in there by the dresser, but, all in all she’s fine.” Gods, I really hate therapists, particularly this one. I mean, what was all that? ‘She’s perfectly alright, you just trapped a claustrophobe into a corner and scared the piss out of her, that’s all’. Wait a minute; this isn’t where we’re supposed to be! I grab Dr. Jones by the back of her blouse.
“Where the hell are you taking me?” I growl as I recognize the male section of rooms. I feel really stupid, I mean, what was my first clue? The naked guy standing in his doorless room pissing on his own bed, or the fact that the guy over there was attempting to strangle himself with his beard?
“The only way you are going to get past the delusions you have of Atrus is to speak to him.” Dr. Jones says as she calls over two orderlies. I struggle mindlessly when they each grab me under an elbow and start to drag me after Dr. Jones. I can’t see Atrus! I don’t know what will happen if I see him! Hell, with my luck it will bring down the Apocalypse!
“NO! You can’t force me to do this! There has got to be some law against this kind of thing. My parents never agreed to…”
“Your parents have given me permission to handle this situation as I see fit. They want what’s best for you Jennifer, and so do I.” Dr. Jones says with a cold smile. When I try to struggle harder against the men who are dragging me off, they actually pick me up. Why are they doing this? I can feel the tug in my chest again, only now it’s a serious pain. They both want out. I start to feel dizzy as things begin to flash before my eyes.
~*~
Atrus standing in front of me, shielding me a little from the storm that he knows I’m terrified of, telling me that he was wrong, he wanted me back. Telling me that he would break up with Desde, he just needed a little time; he didn’t want it to look like I was breaking them up.
Atrus kissing me on his front porch, slipping his hand up the back of my t-shirt and unhooking my bra.
Atrus pressing me down into his couch, not doing anything, just lying there, with his head on my chest.
Atrus holding my hand and telling me about Jiro, his split personality. Telling me that he didn’t want to lose me, but that Jiro wanted to hurt me. To kill me.
Myself, after about the eighth breakup of the summer, casting a spell of my own. One that said if it were meant to be, Atrus would come back to me.
Walking over to Atrus’ house and having the first of my black outs.
My friends telling me that I was acting completely unlike myself during my black out.
The dream where Charlene and Fala came to me, told me they were my other selves. Telling me that they were here to help me.
Atrus telling me that he had found out about the spell, and didn’t want to be with me anymore.
The sound of a three-fold scream of agony and pain, as my heart was ripped from my chest.
Black Out.
Going back to school for my senior year, seeing Atrus and having him ignore me.
Atrus telling Desde that I had cajoled him into dating me over the summer. Desde’s enraged look. Hearing the whispers in the hallway afterwards.
Black out.
Alanna telling me that now that she and Justin had broken up she had a crush on Atrus.
Alanna telling me a week later that she also had a crush on Jiro.
Atrus glaring at me from across the lunchroom. Jiro was smiling out of his eyes.
Jiro cornering me in a back hallway, not talking just smiling cruelly.
Black out.
Atrus kissing Desde while looking right at me.
Atrus flirting with Alanna when Desde wasn’t looking.
An e-mail from Jiro that described how he wanted to kill me.
Black out.
An e-mail from a new non-Atrus, calling himself Darshan.
The angry e-mail I wrote back, saying that I was tired of being afraid.
The second e-mail.
Black out.
Making the school play, finding out Atrus did as well.
Black out.
Going to play practice, finding Atrus isn’t Atrus. Meeting Darshan.
Black out.
Talking to my other selves in dreams. Finding out that Fala was chasing after Darshan.
Black out.
Talking with Alanna about Jiro and Atrus. Finding out she doesn’t like the Darshan.
Black out.
The disembodied scream of my own Self.
~*~
I moan as I come to. Wait, when did I black out? I move to raise my hand to my forehead in what I know will be a useless attempt to still it’s throbbing. I try to scream when I realize that my hands are tied down, along with my legs, but I can’t. Barely a whisper comes out, and even with that I can feel my throat cracking.
In the corner of the room, I can hear the whir of a camera and the click of the door opening. From where the bed is and how I’m tied to it, I can’t move enough to see who it is, but for some odd reason I seem to have a pretty good idea.
“Go away.” I say as firmly as I can in my painful whisper.
“Now, now Jennifer, we need to figure out what happened.” Dr. Jones says in what she probably thinks is a ‘calming manner’. She sounds a little scared though, and that’s what worries me. What could have happened to have her shaking in her stilettos? I growl at her, then gasp in pain; that probably wasn’t one of the brightest ideas I’ve had in a while.
“You screamed your throat raw.” Dr. Jones tells me as she sits on the edge of my bed. I try to pull away from her even though I know I can’t.
“No shit Sherlock.” I whisper sarcastically. “Now untie me!”
“I’m afraid we can’t do that yet Jennifer.” Dr. Jones says as she pats me on the shoulder, I attempt to bite, fail miserably, but give myself an A for effort. The stupid bitch gives this exasperated sigh and takes her hand away. Like she’s the one being put out by all this, never mind that I’m the one tied to the goddamned bed! “What do you remember?”
“Absolutely NOTHING, I BLACKED OUT, by the very definition of the term I remembered nothing!” I’m trying to yell, but it’s coming out a very hoarse and cracked whisper.
“Would you like to know what we saw?” Dr. Jones asks me, finally getting up off the bed and moving to sit in a chair by the door.
“Oh, yes.” I murmur dangerously, “Now you care about what I want.”
“Jennifer, please calm down. Now, after you found out that you were going to see Atrus, you went into seizure-like convulsions, and then you started screaming. You were at times yelling profanities, and at other times screaming ‘no’ repeatedly, but mostly it was just screaming. It seemed to waver between three different tones until you finally passed out.” She says all this while flipping through that godforsaken yellow paper clipped into my file folder. She must have added a good half a notebook to it from that alone.
“Where is he?” I ask desperately, I have to know, I don’t know why, but I have to know. “Where is he?” I hate having to repeat myself, but she doesn’t look like she’s planning to tell me.
“Atrus is in the solitary across the hall.” I re-attempt to jerk myself free of the leather straps holding me to the bed. “If you don’t stop now, I am going to sedate you Jennifer.” I stop, for now. I’ve been here long enough to know that when she uses that tone of voice in a threat she means it. “Good, now he’s there because it seems that he had an episode very similar to yours. In fact, he even had it at the same time.” I can feel the heat of a tear tracking down the side of my face and I squeeze my eyes shut to prevent anymore from escaping. Why are they doing this to me, what have I done that the gods have seen fit to punish me like this? I can hear Dr. Jones saying my name, but she sounds so far away. The ache, that beautiful familiar ache in my chest is back, and I can’t wait to let her out. Charlene has always taken care of me, even when I’m broken. She’ll put me back together.
~*~
I wake to the vague impression of being held in somebody’s arms, with a hand stroking my red-brown hair. I sigh softly and move closer to the warmth of the body before realization hits me fully. I jerk away with a cry to look at whoever dared to hold me.
“Oh, shit.” Yep that just about sums it up.
“Well that isn’t exactly your usual greeting.” Atrus tells me with a slight smile. Try as I might I can’t find the malice there. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything though; he’s almost as good at acting as I am.
“What are you doing here? What happened?” I yell as I back away from him, and a low moan escapes my lips when I hit the wall. I don’t like this, he’s hurt me to many times in the past for me to be comfortable with this, sure he never actually hit me or anything, but still.
“Jen, please, just listen to me.” He’s pleading now, and God damn him but I still can’t resist him when he looks at me like that! I look down at my lap, feeling the tear roll down my cheek as I begin to scratch at the scars on my arm. I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s one of the reasons that I’m here, but I can’t help myself. The pain there stops the pain in my heart. I let out a hitched sob when Atrus reaches out and grabs my hand away from my arm. I’m like putty when he pulls me into his arms. Oh god, why me? I remember Justin telling me once that people feared me, disliked me, because they could sense my inner strength. He told me that I was a fighter, and that I wouldn’t give up. But he was wrong, he had it all wrong. It’s not that I’m fighting, or that I’m strong, I’m just holding on because I’m to scared to let go. I’m to scared to do what I know I would have to do to end the pain, and Atrus knows it!
“Why are you doing this to me Atrus? Why can’t you leave me in peace?” I moan onto his shoulder.
“It’s not me Jennifer. I would never hurt you, I still care about you to much. It was...” I interrupt his seemingly sincere speech.
“So who was it then!” I sneer at him, shoving him away from me. Damn, even I can’t keep up with the sudden mood swings today. “Was it Jiro, or Darshan? Or maybe it was Jabari, Rangsey, or Alaric? Who’s fault is it this time Atrus, because God forbid it should ever damn well be yours!” I could almost feel bad seeing the look on his face…almost.
“Jen, it-it wasn’t any of them, but it wasn’t me either. It was a group of therapists that got together and decided to see what would happen if they used certain drugs on people. They needed a male and a female test subject, the didn’t tell anyone about their tests, and chose us.” My eyes widen in horror, so much is falling into place, I don’t know how I didn’t see it!
“That was why our therapists knew each other, why they were willing to talk to us about one another.” I whisper as I begin to figure it out.
“The drugs they gave us are what caused the splits Jennifer, they’re what caused everything.” I look at him and reach up to brush away the tear falling from his eye.
“It’ll be alright now Atrus, we don’t have to worry anymore. We can report them, get the drugs out of our system, go back to having normal lives.” I can feel my soul lifting in hope. Then I hear the soft hiss and see the white clouds coming out of the vents. “Oh my God.” I whisper, more to myself than anything.
“I’m sorry Jennifer, please forgive me.” I look at Atrus and smile softly at him, even as I feel my heartbeat slowing down.
“Don’t worry, this time it really isn’t your fault.” I tell him with my last breath, the last thing I know is collapsing against him and feeling our hearts stop together.
~*~
“I’m very sorry for your loss, who would have thought that they would both have the same adverse reaction to the same sedative?” Dr. Jones walks away from two sets of grieving parents. She pulls out a small recorder and speaks into it. “Test 1 was a failure, subjects terminated. Possible test subjects for Test 2 include Lenore and Justin.”