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Rated: 18+ · Book · Arts · #2206688
Blog and other works of literary sense
Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot.
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November 27, 2022 at 10:00am
November 27, 2022 at 10:00am
I read the post about gratefulness and they asked what are we grateful for. i don't know what I'm grateful for but i'm glad i have my family with me and communicating with us. I'm glad it rained this morning and not snowed. I'm glad for the cup of coffee I have every morning. i'm glad for my medicines that keep me going, but i wish I could go to Heaven soon. my life is ordinary. I have no ambition.
November 11, 2022 at 9:40am
November 11, 2022 at 9:40am
It's been a while since I posted. I've been under the weather with this depression and anxiety disorder. The meds are working but the bad thoughts sneak in usually in the morning. I've been told by these thoughts that there's no good news in the future and that my future holds bad things in store for me and my Dad. Such morbid thoughts have plagued me in the early morning hours. I fly to the kitchen to start my day and distance myself from these morbid thoughts. My Dad has these thoughts he told me in the recent past. We seem to share the idea that our future is bleak. My future is bleaker if I lose my Dad. I abandon my future and my father future to God's Divine Providence. Prayers are what I've been saying constantly.
September 12, 2022 at 11:33am
September 12, 2022 at 11:33am
Today, September 12, is my 66th birthday.i'm suffering psychic pain as I write this.It's the depression and anxiety disorder kicking in. I feel like I've been kicked alright. I guess it's time for me to pray. Prayer helps. I feel better afterwards. Let's hope today's prayers will kick the bastard into hell.
September 8, 2022 at 7:40am
September 8, 2022 at 7:40am
When I was still working, I earned enough money to handle any stress that might be pressing on my parents. My Dad worked after he retired and my Mom worked as a privaate tutor for a rich family. My last job was good and successful. I felt independent enough.

Now that my Mom is gone (she passed away in 2011). and my Dad and I are alone, retired and senior citizens, I depend on him to carry the load. I feel sad most of the time. I feel that my mind isn't as quick as it used to be. I can't find a good job that would be a remote position that doesn't carry much of a responsibility.

I guess I'm going through a phase. I trust God will see me through.
August 28, 2022 at 7:48am
August 28, 2022 at 7:48am
The struggle against anxiety disorder goes on in me. Sometimes the pain is intolerable. Sometimes it's in the background of my daily life. I don't know if the medicines are working. The mornings are awful.
August 23, 2022 at 7:06am
August 23, 2022 at 7:06am
I took my antidepressant/antianxiety pill this morning. I felt it work,, The dark fears are trying to creep around me. But I still carry on. The morning is lightening the day. Tomorrow I see my doctor. It will be a good visit, I hope. She brings in a therapist to talk to me about how I'm doing. Sometimes the interview is stilted. I promise to be honest with the therapist.
August 18, 2022 at 8:21am
August 18, 2022 at 8:21am
I saw a short video on IG about a woman who hurt her neck and the EMTs came to help her. She was in excruciating pain. They managed to put a cuff around her neck and in the ambulance gave her morphine. It looked like it might be curtains for her, but I think she might have survived.

It made me scared, watching the video.
August 16, 2022 at 8:13am
August 16, 2022 at 8:13am
I happened to read one of the newsletters I receive in the email. It talked about growth in poetry. It reminded me of an online class I took with ED2GO. One of our assignments was to write our autobiography but with a twist - and that is, to write the last bit of my life story as a future dream. In those days I was reading about Assisi (I'm a lapsed Franciscan) and how this author lived for a while in Assisi, Italy, writing the book I was reading. So I wrote in my future chapter the time I would retire in Assisi, walking along the neighborhoods where Francis of Assisi lived. Then as a second choice of my future, I wrote about living in England, in one of their picturesque towns, writing books and having a simple house and a garden. It's good to remember these. I'm not living in either place. But maybe God will be kind to me and land me in Assisi or England.
August 15, 2022 at 8:16am
August 15, 2022 at 8:16am
When I was in college, I earned money to pay for school at the local hospital as a clerk. I had enough money that I paid for most of my schooling from the jobs that I had. The first job I had was as I said, a clerk. Then when I graduated and went to graduate school, I worked in a blood gas lab. I didn't shop for clothes that were for appearance's sake. They had to be worn to match what everyone else wore at work, or thereabouts. I wore jeans most of the time. I shopped at JCPenney's, the old Blocks store and LS Ayres which became Macy's later. The only time I wore dresses was when I worked in retail at these stores, except for Blocks. Those were lean years for me but I had to look presentable for the customers. Once I took sewing lessons. I've discovered that materials were expensive. Why would I make my own clothes when the department stores had a sale that you could shop for at a much reduced price and I didn't have to lift a finger to sew anything. Oh, I made basic clothes like an elastic waist pair of pants and skirt. I also made a pair of tweed pants that was unfinished because I didn't know how to sew zippers. Those pants were lovely. I would fasten them with a big safety pin and wear a long pullover on top of it.

Those were the days when I had fun. Now that I'm on a fixed income, I can't afford to use money for hobbies. Only on writing do I spend my time. I hope there will be a day when I'll have more income so I can help my Dad with the house. It has its troubles.
August 4, 2022 at 6:23am
August 4, 2022 at 6:23am
The scared feeling is still there this morning. I'm on the third day of my increased dose of antidepressant. I feel better with the new dose of anti-anxiety med. I'm far from recovery but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've learned to ignore the signs of anxiety. But they are looming over me especially when I'm in bed trying to get some sleep. Each little thing I think of turns into worry. I try not to think too much. That's what my late Mother told me. She told me that I think too much. I'll try not to.

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