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My blog...probably won't be all that exciting! Or will it? |
| This is just my blog. I'll talk about my life, things I do, places I go, work, sex, fantasies. Whatever pops into my head. |
| My New Year's Resolutions for 2008: 1. Go to Curves at least 4 days a week. 2. Limit Carbs to 30 grams a day or less 5 days a week and 50 grams or less 2 days a week. 3. Lose 100 pounds 4. Quit smoking for good 5. Convince my bf that, when it comes to marriage, the 3rd time really is the charm. 6. Get my next promotion at work. |
| Well, not much new to report. Been working my ass off as usual. Have to work from 2-7 or 8 tonight, we aren't open tomorrow. We close at 6 tonight. So it will be an easy, and most likely boring shift. My honey bought me a 42" flat screen HDTV for Xmas. He can be so sweet. He's gotten a lot nicer and more loveable since I almost left him. He actually apologizes if he acts like a jerk now. It's so much nicer this way. The sex is still fantastic. Today...I"m bored! |
| One of the hardest parts of being in an abusive relationship, whether physical, sexual, or emotional (or any combination thereof) is the feeling that you're totally alone...there's no one you can talk to, no one who will care. Men who are abusive will break down your self-esteem until you start to believe that they are the ONLY person on the planet who would even THINK of putting up with YOU. That no one really cares about you, you're nothing, nobody, useless...etc. The problem is, this is very rarely, if ever, true. Chances are you have at least one family member or friend who would help you if you reached out and asked them. I think, the biggest fear, is that people will think less of us. They'll see us as weak, stupid, worthless, because we are being abused. Again, this is not true either. Some will, yes. Some people just don't understand. They think it's easy to just up and leave...no matter how long you were together, or if you have kids or not, it IS NOT easy, Especially if you have good reason to fear for your or your children's safety. If you have a job and family in the area, you're not going to want to leave the state and start over with a new name. You already feel so alone, that will, usually, just make you feel even more alone. So, what's the answer? I don't know...I used to think I knew that...I never thought I'd put up with half the shit I put up with. I never thought I'd be the one who people were telling to leave a man...never. I always dumped men who treated me badly. Now, I'm with someone worse than anyone (well, except one) that I've been with before and I can't seem to break free. I do love him. I try to be understanding about his mood swings and nasty temper. I know he's a Vietnam vet and they do tend to have psychological problems. So, I try to hang in there during the bad times and cherish the good ones. Unfortunately, the good times are less and less and the bad times keep getting worse and worse. I feel like a failure. All the love in the world can't make things better. All the patience and understanding can't fix someone who won't even admit they have a problem. He has a bad attitude about women because they always leave him...he sees them as liars who didn't really love him and deserted him. I see why, now. He is 2 people. The sensitive, sweet guy inside is so scared of being hurt again that anytime he feels that a woman (me) might be "gaining and upper hand" or somehow taking away some of his control makes him feel threatened. I understand this...but it still doesn't excuse abusive behavior. I just want him to be the way he is when he lets his guard down and is himself...the angry, scared man is just a wall...a cover...a protection against being vulnerable. But, I can't fix him. He doesn't drink as much as he used to. He doesn't get into trouble at all, since we've been together. I know, in a way, I have been good for him. I know how he was when I was in the hospital for a week...he just drank the whole time, calling me wanting to know when I'd be home... I know, he does love me, the best he can...and I know he needs me...I help keep him from completely falling apart...but, I can't save him from himself. And, I think his feelings of needing me are part of the problem...to him, that's a weakness. I'm no psychologist, but I can see exactly what's going on...I just can't do anything about it. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be another woman who gave up on him, who failed him...but he's failing me and himself...it's self-destruction in slow motion and I can't let him take me down with him. I've come too far. It hurts. I love the good part of him so much...but I hate the mean, nasty part as much. I feel so torn. I know, it won't last much longer if something doesn't change. But, I'm just not ready to walk away yet. My friends/co-workers see me as strong for some reason...If I'm so strong, why do I feel so weak? |
| Night before last I took a few drags off a few friends' cigs, just becuz I was so incredibly stressed. But, I didn't buy more (thanks Tim!) and I didn't have even one full one. So, I still consider myself smoke-free since October of last year. Pot doesn't count. lol. |
| Well...I've been away, as you've all noticed. I'm a manager at McDonald's in downtown Winona now. It's great, but a lot more hours, naturally. Anyway...I'm busy as hell and I got in the habit of not writing...which is a very bad habit, indeed! So, I'm trying to get back on track that way. I also have been not working out like I was, so I need to get back on track with my diet and exercise program, too. The hard part of that is the stress I'm under at home. The job is nowhere near as stressful as living with a man with unpredictable mood swings and a nasty temper. Today, he's been wonderful. The sex was fantastic this morning. But, I didn't come home after walking out on him night before last night. He got into his threatening mode, and I said, "I don't have to sit here and take this shit." and walked right back out the door. I had been out all day with a friend from work playing video games, didn't do anything wrong, per se...unless you consider flirting wrong. But, if it doesn't lead to more, I see it as a harmless distraction. Hell, he's about to leave his gf, and I'm considering leaving Scott...he's just too mean and nasty when he gets like that, I can't take much more of it. Everyone at work tells me to leave him, of course. They're all willing to help me find a place and help me move. The night I stayed out all night, I had a few different people, including my boss, ask me why I didn't call them...I could have stayed with them if I needed to get out. I love my co-workers/friends. I just wish I could leave him as easily as that...but he really can be wonderful when he wants to be. He's just got control issues, is the main thing. Since I'm working full-time and no longer have to ask for money if I want something, that's really buggin' him. But, that's his problem. I wish he could be like he was this morning, all the time. That would be great. Part of me still loves him, but I'm starting, slowly, to hate him too. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to move on. I hope. He thinks cuz he has a 100,000 life insurance policy on himself with me as sole beneficiary that that's why I'm staying. Bullshit. I don't care if he's 21 years older, there is no guarantee I'll outlive him. He could live 20-30 more years, like I'm going to stay with an asshole just for a POSSIBLE pay off? Fuck that. I'm NOT his personal whore. I really do think that's all I really am...to him. He thinks cuz he doesn't cheat on me and gives me whatever I want, financially/materially, that I should be happy. Fuck that. |
| I'm glad we don't live near Wilkes-Barre anymore, after watching the news last night and today. Yikes! Pennsylvania sucks anyway, so if it all washed away, no big loss. No jobs there anyway. That's why we came back to my home in Minnesota. Lots of jobs around here. In 11 minutes I'll be smoke-free for 12 hours. I'm a bit edgy and jittery, but not too bad. Working out this morning seemed to help a little. Anyway. Nothing else new. |
| I've decided to quit smoking tonight. I've done it before, so I know I can do it again. I quit for 3 years before I moved to PA. Smoked for a year and then quit for a year again. So, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully, this time I can stay quit for good! |
| Still nothing new around here. Doing well with my diet, so far. Going to Curves everyday. Other than that, same old shit. lol. |
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| Ugh, I went to open the front door to see if Kitty wanted to go out wandering for a bit...there was a big garter (or something like that) snake in our front yard. A bunch of little birds were hanging around watching it and it was wriggling slowly toward the street. Yuck! I kept the door shut and called for my bf. (He hates snakes too) We watched as it slithered into the street and managed to not get killed by a car that drove over it. It's gone now, but I still am NOT opening the door. I am totally creeped out now. YUCK! |
| Nothing much new. Work was okay today. The new pills the doctor I went to yesterday prescribed seem to be pretty good for the arthritis, so far. So, hopefully I can start getting more hours again soon. We'll see. I'm a little confused at the moment. I just vacuumed about an hour ago...so why did my bf just feel the need to vacuum the living room again? Men are so weird. Sorry, boring entry, I know! |
| I haven't been doing any writing lately. Just been feeling blah. Depressed. Tired. Irritable, angry,etc. I know I need to write more, and I just haven't had the ambition or energy. Seems like I just can't get motivated for anything. The weekend was good, over all. Great sex at least. But, just still feeling kinda shitty. Sigh. Anyway...one good thing...one of my best friends that I haven't seen in about 6 years and hadn't talked to in about 2, called my parents to try to find me and my dad emailed me with her new number! I called her tonight and we talked for a little over an hour. I feel better after that. I really missed her, more than I'd realized. So, maybe that's a good sign that things will get better again. I sure hope so! See ya all soon! |
| I was going to start my diet and everything yesterday, but I just can't do it when my period is super heavy. Makes me sluggish, irritable, hungry and tired. lol. As soon as it lets up...Then, I can concentrate on diet and exercise. Right now, forget it. lol. |
After reading:
Back in February 1993, I lived with a real ditzy bitch. She's nice, just really dumb! Anyway, she threw her boyfriend out (a smart move, he was a real asshole) and demanded he return the house key. Well, he gave her a key, and ditzy bitch assumed it was the house key. Ha! That fucker gave her some other key and locked us out of the house. She calls the cops and a town cop came to help us. There was one window open, but up kinda high...so I (stupidity must be contagious) offer to let the cop boost me up through the window. Well, I manage to get myself stuck hanging by my now-aching stomach halfway in and halfway out of the window. The cop, in his amazing brilliance, lifts my legs straight up...dropping me through the window, headfirst. Thank the gods there was a couch under the window! I was sore for a few days after that one! When my daughter was a baby we lived in a small, upstairs apartment that had originally been 2 very small apartments, so there was a deadbolt lock on our kitchen door. My purse, the diapers and wipes, my shoes and other important items were in the small living room that connected to the kitchen. My daughter was in her bedroom, playing in her crib. What did I do? I locked myself out of the kitchen!!! There we are, her in a very wet and dirty diaper, me in my barefeet and no way to change her or anything. The nearby church owned the house and one of the members was the manager. It was Saturday evening, close to 5, so they were getting ready to start a church service. I grabbed Princess Stinky Butt and hurried over to the church to find the manager. (Now remember, I'm in t-shirt, shorts and barefeet carrying a half-dressed child in a full diaper)...a lady handing out the church bulletin thing that you get when you go in to the service, tried to give me one! Hello???? Do I LOOK like I'm here for fucking church??? lol. I found him, though, and soon after he came over and unlocked my kitchen. Sigh. He did laugh at me. Can't blame him. |
| I am so bored tonight. I should do some more writing, but can't think of anything offhand. I have some books I could read, but don't really feel like doing that either. Argh! |
| Ugh...what a day. Only had to work 3 hours, but of course it was a horrible 3 hours. Burned my freakin' hand when I accidentally dropped the McChicken into the oil instead of setting it in. The hot oil splashed up onto my hand and pooled there, so the bottoms of my fingers, on top, have blisters now. Ouch! It's not a real real bad burn, but it fucking hurts! The rest of the day sucked cuz every time I got a little salt on the burns or had my hand under the heat lamp the fries go under...it hurt even worse. Sigh. Patty, the one manager says, "What did we learn today?" I said, "Don't drop the McChicken into the oil. And if you realize you're losing your grip and going to drop it, jump back fast." She nodded. Then Jennifer, another manager, says, "But don't jump back into me or I'll have a really bad day." I told her, if I have to choose between scalding myself with oil or bumping into someone, I think I'd rather bump into someone. lol Anyway...other than that, not too bad. Hot and humid again and my back is killing me, but what else is new? Check out the previous entry for a fun survey about boobs! |
For some bizarre reason, on my way home from work today I found myself musing about boobs. Maybe it's the heat and humidity. Anyway, I started thinking about men and their fascination with women's tits. I started wondering. Why do some men have an obsession with big boobs? Were they bottle-fed as babies and never got over the disappointment? Or were they breastfed too long and developed an obsession? Then, what about men who like flat-chested women. Some men seem to prefer women with very boyish figures. Are they closet homosexuals? Secret pedophiles? Now, before anyone takes offense, I'm just musing. Many men are decent and are attracted to women for their personalities and not just their bodies. But, how do you tell for sure? If they are an overall nice guy and behave normally, then they're probably not pedophiles or gay. But, there are probably some warning signs to look out for. So, if you have a flat chest and you want to know if your boyfriend/husband is in love with you for your mind or if he's a secret pedophile or homosexual...take this little test to ease your mind. (This is satire, folks....don't take it too seriously!) 1. Does he insist on only having sex doggy-style? 2. Does he prefer anal sex over vaginal? 3. Does he insist that you call him "Daddy" during sex? 4. Does he insist that you call him "Daddy" all the time? 5. Does he insist that you keep your hair cut short? 6. Does he complain if you wear makeup? 7. Does he prefer you in jeans and t-shirts over more feminine attire? 8. Have you ever caught him looking at gay or child porn? 9. Is the dog (or cat) afraid of him? 10. Does he dress up in women's clothing? Ok...if you answered yes to more than 3 of these, you probably have a closet homosexual or pedophile on your hands. If you answered yes to only numbers one and two...he's just kinky, don't worry about it! If you answered yes to 8 and/or 10...you already knew the answer and didn't need the test! If you answered yes to number 9....that's just gross! Dump him now! If you only answered yes to numbers 1-3...he's probably ok, but keep an eye on him. Ok, if you're offended by this...get a sense of humor, already! This was in fun. Although if you really did answer yes to most of them, you probably do have a problem! I have nothing against flat-chested women...some of my closest friends are flat. Hey, we big-busted women have our own set of problems, believe it or not. But, that's for another day. |
| Well, got everything done except the dusting. Will do that in a little bit. Laundry is done and put away. Yay! lol. I guess I should work on some real writing, but don't have any ideas at the moment. Maybe I'll just find something to read for now. Or check out some contests or something. Prompt contests are good for kickstarting the ideas. lol |
| Ok, now I'm going to get philosophical on ya. Sorry, but I have a lot of shit running through my head and I need to write it down to help me figure it out. Probably still won't figure it out, but it's nice to think I might. What the hell is my purpose? A lot of people seem to believe that everyone has a purpose in life. We are here until we learn what it is or fulfill it, and then we are allowed to move on to whatever is next...death, Heaven, Hell, purgatory, the next life, whatever... So, how do I figure out what my purpose is? I must still have one, I wasn't allowed to die when I tried to kill myself at the end of September. My boyfriend's daughters had a "strange feeling" that something was really wrong and came back and found me. The doctor and psychiatrist said that if they hadn't, I'd be dead. I took enough pills that I should have died or at least ended up in a Nursing Home unable to care for myself. Instead, I'm alive and kicking and really confused. Sometimes life is good, but most of the time it sucks. I have a lot of physical and mental problems that all the medications and physical therapy in the world do nothing to alleviate. So, what's the fucking point? Am I here to suffer? Is that it? Is this some kind of karmic payback for things I did wrong in my last life and earlier in this one? I'd love to know. Why was my ex-bf, Joe, allowed to die last summer? He od'd and it worked. What was his fucking purpose? He didn't do shit but sleep, eat and watch tv. The only thing he did was get me stuck in PA and if that hadn't happened I wouldn't have met Scott, who, despite the occasional nasty fight, I'm pretty happy with. He loves me, I love him...maybe that's why? Scott hasn't gotten in any trouble with the law since he met me. He used to get ticketed for public intoxication about once a week, before we met. He doesn't drink anywhere near as much as he did almost two years ago when we met. So, is that my purpose? To keep him happy and sane? If so, what's his purpose? To keep me from killing myself by loving me? I mean, really...that sounds so damn simple when you think about it. Ah well, enough rambling. Any thoughts welcome. TTFN, Claire |
| Well, I'm on a roll this morning! Got up at 5:30...had a bite to eat and came online for awhile. Went to pick up my check from work around 7:30, went to the bank and deposited about half of it. Walked to the store and got groceries. Took a cab home. Put groceries away. Started dinner (Red Soup in the crock pot) Before anyone asks, here'e the recipe: (for a 4 quart crock pot) Tomato Juice (almost one bottle) 3-5 small potatoes, peeled and quartered 1-2 onions peeled and cut into pieces half a bag of baby carrots beef (any cut, cubed or in pieces, whatever you prefer) Cook on high for about 5-6 hours. Yummy! Serve as is or over boiled noodles. Anyway...I just vacuumed and the two loads of laundry are in the dryers downstairs. I made the bed, scooped the litter box and all I have left to do is take the bag of garbage out, dust, and do dishes. I'll do the dishes later after dinner since there are only a few in there now anyway. I've been good, can goof off for a little bit now.lol |
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