VEry good attempt. I could picture the couple just waking up, sleepy and happy to be together. I just wanted to keep reading. I wanted to know more personal details about the couple and what that moment stemmed from. First night together? WEdding morning after? anniversary? moment after a first birth? A few more personal details would have made the reader more familiar with the person being described.
I could find no spelling errors or punctuation problems. Keep up the good work and hope to read more of you soon.
What an original and interesting piece you have created here! I love the rhythm and the ideas you have presented here. Everything tells a story of how profanity came to be just around and it's something here to stay.
My favourite line was:Its user lacking the imagination!
I guess because I so believe that to be true. Those that can't think of a better or more educated word - curse and they sound so well unoriginal or just simple in mind and word.
My other favourite is: "....like an insect resistant to spray"...growing up with bugs that did become resistant to pesticides so has a person who has been around cursing that they desensitize themselves and those around them- sadly usually their children.
I loved the centering and the punctuation and found no spelling errors so well done!
Very interesting piece but I must admit a bit confusing with all the baking/cooking words thrown in there. Can you tell I am not a baker or chef?
The story you told was subtle but it was evident the woman you loved and thought loved you back was really wanting to be with someone else. All the things she did for you or with you was a facade, a pretend display of emotions.
I really liked the last line...and as we got down to the last bite of the piece we were eating the reltionship was over.
Bravo!
No spelling errors nothing really on layout. Perhaps add a colour to add visual impact and make us think more of food but otherwise well done!
I could picture in my mind two ghostly figures that represent time and fate taking the person away while they struggle to break free; wanting to live again!
Kind eerie images but well done. I did like the use of fate and time as beings responsible for things, accountable for our lives. Added visual impact!
I would have added a few line breaks and group the stanzas into four lines just to give the readers eyes a bit of a break. It won't break the harmony of the piece just add a bit of structure.
A very sobering piece to be sure. I have experienced the death of a friend at her own hand and the mental scar it left has haunted me even to this day. I can personally relate to the "sleeping with one eye open" statement.
I am sorry for the loss as it's something that while it is sad and hurtful also makes you angry that they just didn't try once more to solve whatever it was that was tormenting them.
The words you chose were ones I think everyone in this situation would use. "Selfish, coward, hurt, sorrow, uneasy, pain, tears..." nothing gets lost in translation for the reader. Well done!
My nit pick:
3rd line should read: "My mind{/d} races for answers...
5th line: I would put an exclamation mark at the end instead of a question: "...for the young or old!"
13th, 16th, 20th line: is the only lines that don't start with a capital letter. Just to keep uniform.
Very interesting piece. Almost an anguished angsty feeling to it. Falling, spiralling, cold...right from the first line your piece had my attention! I had to know what was going to happen.
I guess right from the start I thought the font was too small. But I do say that for selfish reasons becasue I am older and my eyes aren't as good as the young!
But I realy liked the use of colour. It added punch and impact to the few words written.
I would have liked you to continue as I was interested in getting a glimpse at the person that could torment you so.
Wow you write very powerful thoughts into so few words. Anger, sorrow, scar, wound, hell, pain are a few of the descriptive words that really force the reader to feel pain!
However I wouldn't have known the painful experience was from a car crash unless you said so in your brief description. My small suggstion would be to add another stanza to make clear to the reader the pain is from that. Again just a suggestion.
And the follow up to the previous piece. This piece is just aching with pain and sorrow, a love that you still cling to but that is clearly gone. I can feel the pain you are trying to convey.
Well done on the emotional picture! It's very clear and the reader can focus on the feelings rather than getting lost in the words.
You do have them running together but after awhile you don't notice as much. Personally I would add a line break or two perhaps one after line 6 and then again after line 10, but that is just a suggestion.
One spelling error: despair...I know it doesn't match with care but it still sounds the same and this way is correct.
A very simple yet heartfelt expression of your feelings. Your piece doesn't get lost in big words and it's easy for the reader to put themselves in your place and feel the words you are expressing. Your desire to be with this person is obvious as is your love for them.
I liked the way you made the piece rhyme. I can sometimes be hard to stick to a rhythm and flow and yet have all the words match as they do here. So well done.
Personally I would have added a stanza as to what her love would free you from as I have to guess it's another woman who is loveless? but I could be wrong.
Oh this piece could be lyrics to a love song, soft rock or country. It's got great rhythm and flow and you use very beautiful descriptive words. I could pictue the two lovers happy to be together yet anguished when they are torn apart.
I at first didn't get the first ye but at the end it didn't distract me from the overall piece. So to be able to get the reader change their mind is an excellent talent!
What a great piece! You have stated so many things that we need to be thankful for in ourselves and yes I think the person we most take for granted is us!
Thanks for this great reminder!
I loved the rhythm and flow and how this piece just put a smile on my face with every line.
This piece is very powerful. You have chosen such words that create a picture of despair, life, death, loss of hope.
However if you hadn't said in your synopsis at the top that is was about homeless children I would have missed that in the piece itself. A reference to the fact it's a homeless child you describe might add more of a visual impact in the readers mind. Otherwise very moving.
A few grammer errors but nothing too major:
1st line - a space beween the comma after frail and before the 'd' in delicate= Frail, delicate....
same for the 3rd line.
8th line you added an extra space between the k at the end of bleak and the comma. Should be Bleak, ...
Otherwise keep up the good work!
Very beautifully written. I just love the poetic words you used to describe the woman, her beauty and the impression she leaves on those who love her.
A spinstress is someone who like a seamstress weaves beautiful garments and has magical fingers. You certainly captured those images here. Thank for sharing.
Okay so I get the feeling that something bad has happened in your life or some tragic event that left you feeling in despair and wanting to find some peace with god's help.
You have described a wonderful childhood but then something changed. Teen years? Adulthood? What event caused the hurt to occur? I would just liked to have known the cause...just my nit pick.
I loved the use of itallics as it lent an airy almost heavenly feeling to the piece.
Well done and keep up the good work!
Wow well self-doubt can be a powerful emotion you have certainly captured that feeling in this piece. It's a bit dreary but then I expect that is the emotion you were trying to evoke - well done for that!
I can picture someone who has given up on sense and reason yet finds fulfillment in everything they do wrong. I could be off base but that was the image I pictured.
In any case, no matter what the image you want the reader to form you have a powerful message here and have conveyed it very well.
Excellent!
This piece conveys a lot of emotions in a few short words. Yes we all experience fear, some more than others, and some professions more than us lay-people!
but the fear of death is something that grips us like a hand around the neck and won't let go. We can't escape it and that what really terrifies us!
Well done on the thoughts and the words!
My few nit picks:
1st line: Fear Shadows, if both are in caps then a comma should separate them.
4th line: spelling error: separates (you missed an A)
8th line: should be a semi-colon; at the end of the line.
yay! What a beautiful piece. I can tell my your warm and loving words that "lisa" is who makes your heart beat and is your purpose for being.
I just loved the phrase "beauty haunts me"...gave me chills...I want to see her now! But other words you used lent to the overall feeling of the piece. Words such as: Longing, eternally, ablaze, haunts.
Her impact in your life is lasting and you have expressed a few words of gratitude to her. I only hope that you have gotten down on one knee and read this to her.
If not - what are you waiting for? hehe...
My only nit pick: put in red...the color of love. You have centered for visual impact but I think red would lend to the loving warmth. Just a suggestion.
Well done!
Okay so immediatly the image that sprung into my mind was that of the northern lights. THe Aurora Borealis. Which is an amazing sight to behold. When you look at them you are lost in wonder at what the grand creator has in store for us next.
THis piece uses beautiful imagery and I thank you for sharing.
Oh I have been to this place before! WEll maybe not the exact same that you picture but I can see in my mind the same beautiful, peaceful, tranquil, setting. Sitting there and reflecting on life and all that I have been blessed with.
I think we all need to do more reflection on all the things we do have. Then our small troubles will be put back into their small place.
Oh I wish I was there right now
*sigh*
Thanks for the beautiful thoughts!
You have written two very powerful pieces here. The first poem is very short and to the point. But you describe a girl, one that perhaps is admired, liked and maybe popular. But it's a veener, a facade that she hides behind to keep her real secret hidden. She likes to drink and it's destroying her youth and her dreams.
She wants help but can't get the help she "wants". Well that's what I got from the first bit.
The second part, the prowse piece is very powerful and to the point. She loves someone who has a terrible addiction. She wants him to get help and is tormenting herself by keeping away, knowing inside she wants to be with him but can't. She is with another. One that perhaps loves her but the feelings aren't the same for her. She needs "him" to make her complete.
I could go on about the powerful pictures you have described but I won't bore you with picky details.
THere is a spelling error in the 3rd to last line. Should be "tomorrow" you put in an uncessary A.
Otherwise - EXCELLENT!
I must say that it's been a few reads since I just read something that made me smile for the simple reason that it did! A toad! THANK YOU!!
Sometimes we get caught up in writing about deep thoughts and emotions; which are good, but we can overlook the small things that bring us joy, such as a pet, even one people might think ugly.
My nephew has a pet frog and although sometimes I look at it and think "lame pet" my nephew could spend hours talking to it and looking at it. His happiness makes me happy and that's what counts!
I also liked the bit about Hilde...hehe...toads in love - too cute!
Well done!
Well as lame as this might sound - truer words were never spoken :)
You have packed so much into these few lines about truth and what it means to us and what some will go through to get it. People are always on a quest for the truth yet sadly, even fewer know what to do with it once they have found it.
I personally could sense frustration for finding truth and uncertainty on what to do. To draw a reader to personal conclusions is the mark of a good writer.
Well done!
Well I must say I could relate to this piece. Having a bitter past with an ex. Even now, in my older years, I look back with painful thoughts and saddened memories of what could have been but never was.
An abusive relationship is something that no one should have to experience but it also can give you the strength inside to endure other things that come your way.
Your words are very descriptive and paint a picture of despair and pain, anguish and broken trust.
No spelling errors and everything was put together neatly.
Well done!
Wow you truly are a gifted poet. Ever thought about publishing a book?
Yes to see the world through a child's eyes would be a wonderful gift on a daily basis. Things might not look so bleak as they do to older ones like mine.
Again excellent use of descriptive words that told a very telling but "today" type story.
No spelling errors.
Keep up the good work!
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