Excellent piece of writing with a superb ending! Ther is nothing I could possibly recommend to improve this piece. You have a wonderful sense of humour. I liked the line about not being able to crinkle up the light into a wad of toilet paper and flush it. Very well done.
Nicely done. Your words paint a vivid picture of the trek through the forest. Excellent writing.
Some suggetions
"Bobcat searching for a meal patrolled his realm." should be tweaked to either "Bobcat searching for a meal patrolled their realm.", or " A bobcat searching for a meal patrolled his realm."
"the packs passage" should be "the pack's passage"
"back the way I come" should be "back the way I came".
Interesting little snippet about a day in the life. A little more background about what the assignment was supposed to be about might better enlighten the reader as to why the partners exploded on each other at the end. The prescribed anger management counseling seems to be on target.
Some suggestions:
Change the item rating to "R" for foul language and violence.
"conselors" should be "counselors".
Multiple deer are described as "deer", not "deers".
"he lie only inches below her feet" should be "he lay only inches below her feet".
"Whats C-4?" should be "What's C-4?"
"unknown by his fellow animals," should be "unknown to his fellow animals,"
"advail" should be "avail".
To keep verb tenses consistent, "and shredded" should be "and shredding".
Excellent piece of writing. This poem really packs a wallop. The line "your blooming blood and brain bouquet" is disturbing yet beautiful at the same time. Very nicely done.
This was a very enjoyable read. A great one to start the day with. I totally relate to this scenario and it shows off an excellent sense of humour. Very nicely done.
Some editorial comments:
"camels back" should be "camel's back".
Well said little ditty summing up one's frustrations. With some minor clean-up, it could rate higher.
Some editorial notes:
The point-of-view changes from first person in the first paragraph to third person in the 2nd paragraph, and then back to first person in the last. You should keep it consistent throughout.
"Some one" is one word: "Someone".
This sentence should be broken into two: "Walking aimlessly along the paved road, she doesn't feel the cold wind mixed with the biting rain against her now pale and blue skin or her drenched clothes, but instead, she shivers from the numbing fact that nothing, absolutely nothing is going to happen to her." Try something like: "Walking aimlessly along the paved road, I don't feel the cold wind mixed with the biting rain against my now pale and blue skin or my drenched clothes.Instead, I shiver from the numbing fact that nothing, absolutely nothing is going to happen to me.
The "go to jail" reference in the final paragraph needs to be better explained.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 4:45pm on May 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
