OK, this is pretty confusing. I had to read it a few times before I got it. That may be one of the reasons that you aren't getting many reviews for it. Another reason is that it takes too long to get to the story. There's alot of introduction and it's just too long.
There weren't any spelling or grammatical errors that I found.
If you could get the story flowing better it would dramatically increase the number of reviews for this piece. Once I got into the story, it was better.
You're a very talented writer. I love alot of your work. Maybe you intended this piece to be confusing? It does mention something about that in the begining. Thanks for sharing and supporting "Invalid Item" !
First Thoughts: It seemed good in the beginning, but towards the middle I got a little lost. Neat story.
Spelling: (scent) (she’d) (hat) (serve) These are the correct spellings in order of their appearance in the story. Overall good spelling.
Grammar and Punctuation: “They come paused to wait out the weather in one of the ancient, dirt huts that strewn the plain” This sentence isn’t quite right. I’m not sure what you were trying to say here. Also it needs a period.
“This one sat upon a hill that stood just high enough to allow a glimpse at the sea some miles away yet.” I don’t think you need the ‘yet’.
“She turned to gaze at the others lay in the corner,” I think maybe you meant lying.
“Wesley of course did his duty as a mattress; Wenda snuggled against him, her head on his shoulder and one arm across his chest, Peach and Cherry curled and up and holding each other lay nestled between Wesley’s chest and Wenda’s arm.” This sentence is way too long. It needs more commas and maybe you could split it into two separate sentences at ‘Peach and Cherry’.
“A girl who up until a few days ago” Needs a comma after girl.
“The lingering sense of black sorcery and demons was almost tangible; she felt it caressing her skin like a slimy, oily sheet every time she looked at the city.” I LOVE THIS SENTENCE!
“she come to her feet without realizing it.” Should be ‘she’d come’.
“A time when she the hole in her heart she patched over had not been there.” Confusing.
The last sentence seems to leave the ending hanging. It doesn’t sound like it’s finished. I would suggest adding one or two more sentences to finish it off.
Tips: Try reading out loud. Pause at all your commas and don’t pause if there isn’t one. This will help find confusing sentences.
Overall: Great work! With a little tweaking, this would be an easy 5!
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