The flow of this story is excellent; it really shows the way that the narrator is thinking. The technical name for this type of writing, I think, is a "stream of conciousness".
I loved the ending, the way that everything ties up and it's all ok: that's how it should always be in life! The characters are very vivid and I was totally gripped throughout.
Points for Improvement
In the sentence "I don’t know why I though anything this lovely could last", "though" should have a "t" on the end.
A little further on you have written "tinniest bit relieved", where I think you mean "tiniest bit". Just a little typo but it changes the meaning from something small to something made of metal!
Although I recognise why you haven't put this story in paragraphs (and it works excellently, by the way), it is a little hard to read. Perhaps you could put a line break at the end of each line, so that there is a gap between each one. This would make it easier to read and wouldn't break the flow.
This is a really interesting story which I am afraid some people might miss out on because they can't be bothered to read it as closely as it currently requires. Just running it through a spell checker or getting a friend to proof-read would correct all the mistakes.
Other than those two things this is excellent. You are a very promising writer and I look forwards to reading more of your work. Well done!
I agree wholeheartedly with you! I very often put a book back on the shelf because I dislike the cover, and sometimes I choose between different versions of the same book purely on the basis of the front illustration.
I like the structure of this piece, and especially the first three paragraphs. They really set the scene for me.
I also agree very much with the idea that books are not disposable. I have friends who absolutely amaze me with their capacity to read a book once and get rid of it. I like to reread my favourite books over and over, and sometimes just skim a section to remind myself of the details.
This is a well-written rant in which I found no errors All the best of luck with publishing your book.
I like this poem a lot: it sums up an entire person in five very short lines, which is both clever and intriguing! I love the first two lines especially, they are a beautiful metaphor for living.
The question you ask at the very end is nice; it is almost rhetorical as you have answered it in the previous four lines.
This is a lovely new twist on a traditional problem for every parent, and is told in a very nice way.
I can imagine reading it to a child who was just learning to read for themselves, and talking about the longer words.
Jake's mom seems like the sort of understanding mother I would like to be if I ever have children!
Points for Improvement
Roughly halfway down the story there is a line where the double spacing (excellent idea by the way!) has been missed: it doesn't make a difference to the story but presentationally it's noticable.
Also, "Everybody has a Christmas star or a Christmas angle" should probably read "Christmas angel"
A final typo is at the end of this section of dialogue, where Jake's mom changes tenses part way through a sentence "we had helped eases your mind".
Other than a couple of typing mistakes (and we all have those!) this is excellent and very enjoyable. Well done!
I like the changes you've made at the part where the bear is introduced; it still says the same thing but doesn't take as long to say it, and in my opinion it says them in a better way.
I love the way that Nuala now speaks her concerns about his sanity aloud, it shows a slightly different side to her and somehow makes the Piper seem more normal. I think it's better that we can no longer read Nuala's thoughts, it makes it more realistic to not have the narrator changing. It also alters the way we percieve her: she's a little more outspoken and I prefer her like that!
You've managed to weave the desire for roses throughout the story, which is a very clever way of linking everything together.
The ending is easier to understand now, and I like the final roses reference. Thank you for taking my comments into account!
Points for Improvement
I see you've cut down at the start; this does make the story begin faster but you've cut out what it is that is odd. Makes it a little bit confusing!
When the Piper meets Nuala, he refers to being "spit at by a bluejay". I think this should be "spat at by a bluejay". Just a tiny thing, it isn't really important to change but if you were going for utter perfection it would be there!
You'll probably be a little irritated at this but I think I preferred the previous version of when the Piper explains why people believed he was a witch: in particular I refer to the paragraph:
"“Oh,” said Nuala, her voice careful, because people in this day and age did not believe wholeheartedly in magic. Still, Nuala was Irish, raised on strange tales, and for this reason she added, nonchalantly, “Did you?”", which now reads:
"“Oh,” said Nuala. There was something in her voice that finally made him look up. She was looking at him, reminding him again of a doe deer. Finally, she said: “Did you?”".
This explanation of why she might believe him just seems to help the reader understand the character. I can see why you've changed it (it's another place where we can read her thoughts) but perhaps in just this one place it would be acceptable to see why she did something. I'm not sure, perhaps you'd rather not change it again!
This version is, in the main, a lot better (if that's possible!) and I enjoyed it even more. You are a very talented writer. Well done!
This really made me laugh, although in my family the man actually can mend things: he just doesn't! We probably have just as many broken things as a result of this.
This is a very well written piece which is structured cleverly and delivers the "punchline" of the story excellently. I found no grammatical or spelling errors: well done!
This is a very moving piece and it is hard-hitting without being exaggerated. The opening sentence is gripping and your description of a rather complicated family situation is very clear, despite your warning that it could be confusing!
Points for Improvement
Just a small thing, but as far as I know Bible is normally spelt with a capital letter. I could be wrong but it just looks a little wrong to me. Also in that sentence the punctuation could be altered a little to run more smoothly. An example would be:
"There is one thing that my mother did that still stays with me: she read Bible stories to me."
This would just make it a little smoother to read.
Other than that, I can't find anything that I would suggest improvements on.
I agree with you about choosing your path: although I have been lucky enough to have been brought up in a stable family (or perhaps not so lucky, because who knows what experiences like these can teach you?), I have friends whose families have broken up. Some of these have gone the wrong way, and others are more responsible and mature as a result.
Once again, well done for the quality of writing in this piece.
This is a brilliant idea, and I'm very grateful for my recent upgrade. I've created a contest, and I am hoping that it will generate some gift points to donate to the group. I'm not sure whether I can link through a review but the contest is in my portfolio if this doesn't work!
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This story was great, and I'm really glad I clicked on it when I did! I often find that when an author uses dialect it's hard to read, but I had no problem understanding this piece. I especially like the twist at the end, where you can't be certain whether the speaker is going to shoot the man or not.
This is an excellent story. Well done
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but it changes the meaning from something small to something made of metal!
