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Review of Moral Imperative  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Adam was designed to be the future, the progenitor of a race far more intelligent than mere humans. The government had much more planned for Adam than it had let on, but in the end, it still managed to underestimate him...

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
Like Andrew Wiggin of "Ender's Game", Adam is smarter than everyone around him, far enough ahead to put together a picture of events from limited information. Unfortunately, he's discovered that "the only winning move is not to play". The pace is good, the writing concrete in its imagery, and the plot honors the prompt. Also, it has a plot, with foreshadowing, climax, and resolution - often difficult to accomplish within 2000 words. "Moral Imperative" manages to combine a dystopian theme with a bittersweet ending, and hope that humanity's next brush with greatness will be under better circumstances.

What might be improved:
In some ways, it's easy to write a character smarter than oneself: all that character has to do is solve problems based on incomplete information, or figure out swiftly what a normal person could reason through slowly. In other ways, it's quite difficult: Sherlock Holmes's observations require a mastery of detail on the part of the author as well as the character, and the same is true for any extraordinary mind. But mostly, people who think themselves bright are unforgiving of any error in description or reason they themselves would not make. This is a good reason to violate a writer's normal instinct and to be careful how much detail of the genius's thinking process one shares.

The smartest people I know, people who are gifted with IQs four or five standard deviations above the mean, don't write tend to write paragraphs like this:

"She had probably decided that the risk of being tied to that statement and having it used against her was minimal in this situation, with only two witnesses—one of whom was a genetic experiment. A lie would serve her purpose with less downside than the truth. Telling the truth would almost certainly turn Victor against her. That would probably be inconvenient for her. Victor’s cooperation was probably vital to the administration’s plans. Because of the extremely unpopular nature of transhuman genetic research among the general public, there was very little of it, at least in the United States. Victor’s was by far the most mature research of this type that Adam had been able to find in his extensive online inquiries into the subject."

When you're trying to show brilliance, it's best not to bring in conditional language, state the obvious, or use inefficient statements. Consider an alternative:

"She was lying, of course. If the government had a compelling plan, she would have shared it with him to win his trust. After all, what good was superhuman intelligence to her, unless it could be directed? It was telling that her best option was playing not to lose. Transhuman genetic research was publicly looked down on, at least in the United States. Adam was a high-risk investment, the most advanced example of transhuman research he could find evidence of, and he had looked."

Creating a sense of awe at what Adam knows, at what he can do, is a difficult task. One way at it is simply to leave Adam's inner dialogue to the reader's imagination and tell the story from the perspective of one of the other two characters who are trying to figure him out. You could bring out most of the same details this way, except for Adam's thoughts about killing Beth and Victor, though it might be challenging to explain his telekinetic powers.

I'm mixed on those powers, actually. A link between intelligence and psychic powers is proposed every so often in science fiction, so I grant there's something attractive in the device, but it feels a bit like overkill (and therefore cheating) - either his intelligence or his powers ought to be dangerous enough by themselves. Keeping telekinesis hidden from Victor also seems a bit unlikely.

Anyway, this is a good story and a good use of the concept of transhumanism, but I do think a review should be a little challenging. You've also managed to provide this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest Winner! Congratulations, and I hope to see you back!
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77
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.5)
Many agents had tried Mira Black's lair to surveil her. They tried and died. But none of them were Brenda Bench, and none had her abilities. What was impossible for others should be a walk in the park for her...

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The setup for this story reads a bit like a comic book story, with a superhuman protagonist and a mysterious and capable villain. The setting and cast are creative, with many pieces of lore left dangling before the reader, such as existence of hellhounds and their opposites both. It seems to balance telling with showing, spending just enough of the former to speed the introductions, and but not sparing in details.

It's not literary fiction, but it certainly reads like fun fiction - and it adheres well to the prompt.

What might be improved:
While the setting is creative and detailed, the plot and its supporting elements are straightforward. There is also relatively little tension built: a lack of combat is fine, but there's little sense given that Brenda might fail. Her success is only remarkable compared to the failures of those who have gone before (and who are entirely offscreen), possibly giving rise to questions about what was so difficult about the task in the first place.

We also could use some more sense of the stakes involved. We know that Brenda wants information about Black, but it's not quite clear why. What lives will it save? Will it satisfy a more personal vendetta on Brenda's part? What would happen if she were to fail? What form would that failure take - an angry guard, an automatic turret, or the kind of threat that would be familiar to Indiana Jones?

This story has some good bones to it, but if you want a winner, it could use a few more curves. :)


Thanks again for your entry in the contest. I definitely enjoyed reading it, and hope to see more of your work in the future!
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78
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Lieutenant Porter, old-school police offer that he was, couldn't quite except the recent strange behavior of the robots nearby. So far, it was all benign, heroic even: appliances seemingly violating their programming to save lives. He couldn't quite fathom what was going on. Until the day he had asked enough questions that the robots themselves offered to answer him...

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
While not a story about spy-tech exactly as I envisioned in the contest prompt, it's a story about robots "spying" on humans, and using that intelligence for their own purposes. One thing I really like about the story is the hope in that. Some time back, there was a novel called Robopocalypse which began similarly, but with threats and deaths rather than lives saved. In comparison, your premise is refreshing.

Your build-up is good, loaded with plenty of detail, right up to the end.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, you leave the central question unanswered, and the reader in suspense. It's unclear then whether the intelligence Porter meets is good or bad, or what it wants. I don't know what I would do about that since the hints you give imply the robots are benevolent, but some foreshadowing about how this might change Porter's lives or the lives of others (good or bad) would raise the stakes and therefore increase the impact of the writing.

There are other minor edits I might make, especially around Porter's trip to the Italian restaurant, for clarity or to even out the tone. However, they are minor and mostly subjective - explaining the stakes and the personal relationship of Porter with them is probably your best bet to improve the piece, to increase the tension and give some sense of conflict.

Thanks, again, for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I appreciate the chance to read your writing, and hope I get another!
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79
Review of Vegas Skin  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Private First Class Jackson is pulled before the Lt. Colonel and an unknown figure, and given some very bad and very strange news - as well as a promotion.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The color and the level of detail in this piece are wonderful. They give the military setting a sense of authenticity and anchor Pfc Jackson's bizarre experiences in a very concrete setting. The first person perspective is handled consistently and well, and the spy satellites are in keeping with the story prompt of spy technology. The dialogue and the private's shock at the news help immerse the reader in the scene.

What might be improved:
So... the U.S. military came up with tattoos that only work with human skin, they're the only way to access super-secret spy satellites, and they were installed in unwitting enlisted soldiers by beautiful young women after they managed to get the soldiers sufficiently plastered. Because reasons. Then when two of them get killed for accidentally exposing the tattoos to cameras, the third gets a new identity and a trip to OCS.

I really like the setting, the writing style is good, and I'm a fan of the weird, but I can't quite get over the premise. It doesn't help that this is a vignette rather than a conflict-driven story or that the emotional thrust of that vignette can mostly be summed up as "Huh?"

I'm left hanging between being rather impressed and just sitting here scratching my head. I'm willing to mostly suspend disbelief in the name of a good story, but I think I could use a little help this time.

Thanks for quite a creative entry in the Science Fiction Short Story! I'm looking forward to seeing what you put together in the future - it should be quite interesting!
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Review of My Old House  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.5)
A British postgrad and her brothers leave their building to discover a strange world and an odd professor. One who was able to explain to her, the discoverer of the Time-Particle, just what she was about to accomplish.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Unfortunately, it doesn't adhere to the prompt, spy technology, and so won't be considered for that contest. However, I'll still give it a brief review.

What I liked:
Time loops and temporal paradoxes are oldies but goodies, when they work, and this seems to work. Your vision of the future is interesting, and for an American reader, the English color is a nice touch, as are the jokes about changing social mores.

What might be improved:
It's a nice enough little vignette, but there's not much conflict or tension to the story. One could imagine a version where the reader is amazed at the great changes in the world, worried about what had happened and whether the students would be forever lost, or frustrated at their desperate attempts to get home while it was still possible. But aside from the welcome humor, this writing is a bit sedate.

Still, I did enjoy the chance to read it and thanks for sending it by!
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Review of The Last Mission  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Working with Benedict was wonderful, almost too wonderful - attachments of any kind were a deadly threat to a spy. That became crystal clear in their desperate attempt to stop the murder of the governor, their one last mission, side by side...

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a nice romance from a female spy perspective. It builds well toward the central conflict in which "Jenny" submitting herself to near-certain death, showing "Benedict" how she felt about him, guaranteeing the success of the mission, and setting herself up to never see her love again all combine into a single moment.

What might be improved:
The robot decoy is mentioned but not highlighted. Both the technology and the mission itself feel a bit like afterthoughts compared to the romance. What are the stakes in the assassination? What happens if the enemy succeeds? What is preserved if the governor lives? Why should the reader feel an anxiety that the mission is likely to fail? It's hard to pack the answers into a story under 2000 words, but a little more tension related to the central plot would go a long way.

More attention is paid to the run-up at the beginning toward David asking for a date, and Jenny reluctantly refusing, which would make sense in a slightly longer story, but I think at this length it both takes away from the spy story and isn't quite efficient enough at explaining the relationship. Short stories are tough!


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and I appreciate the pleasure of reading it. A little more editing and you've got a stealth killer on your hands. ;)
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Review of Holiday  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.5)
Long ago on Neptune, humans arrived, but they found the planet inhospitable. Few remain there, so few that most of the natives no longer know of them except through stories. But one of their traditions, a thing called Christmas, caught the imagination of the Supreme kind Jai, and this small legacy became a welcome gift to his people.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a heartwarming little piece, appropriate for the Holidays and the writing prompt. The perspective and setting are creative choices, the work is grammatically clean, and the happy ending fits the mood you're aiming for.

What might be improved:
The handling translated words from Human speech, such as the word "color" and the specific colors of red and green, add some charm to the work. Unfortunately, it's an odd and distracting detail too, since the aliens clearly can see colors and recognize different colors and find meaning in them. Additionally, it makes the alien perspective a little bit inconsistent with the point of view narration: their blueness is one of the very few things the reader is given to know of about the Neptunians.

Additionally, there's no conflict and little juxtaposition in the writing to make the happy ending stand out: this is not a fully developed story with a plot, just a charming moment. Given the challenge of writing for a Holiday prompt, that's quite understandable, but it definitely does leave room to add more.

However, this is a warm and pleasant anecdote appropriate for a Holiday sci-fi prompt - and Congratulations - this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest Winner!
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Review of Q and A  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (2.5)
Emperors unearth the dark secrets of future history: humankind's periodic efforts to eliminate itself with nuclear weaponry might fall short of removing humankind, but succeed in removing its memory.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, November Turkey Edition!

What I liked:
I enjoy worldbuilding, and it was nice to see a story that made an effort to create a whole alternative human history to explore, one with familiar places like Bristol and precise dates.

What might be improved:
It would be nice if your contest entry had some relation to the contest prompt. Failing to respond to the prompt disqualifies an entry from victory.

Second, there are two types of entries I look for and judge: stories and vignettes. This is not a traditional story with a protagonist, antagonist, conflict and a plot - and so I will judge it by the second standard. I tend to expect vignettes to illuminate a poignant moment, usually one that stirs a recognition of conflict, a sense of beauty, or refers to strong juxtaposed forces that the reader is expected to internalize and respond to.

This piece doesn't accomplish that goal: the tension it intends to spark is that between curiosity about the bright future and the hidden and less glorious path that led to the rise of the Emperors. However, the reader doesn't really learn much about what makes the future distinctly better or worse than the present, or why. All that is made clear is that humanity was engaged in multiple cycles of self-destruction, and that the Emperors disagreed about whether knowing that was better or worse. This writing needs a bit more of a hook to spur the reader into sympathy. In addition, there are a few grammar errors and awkward phrases that distract the reader. My suggestion is to reflect a bit on what reaction you want from the reader, and add a bit more tension in order to summon it. There's some good worldbuilding here and elements you can use in a grand story, but I think it needs a bit more development before it's ready to knock your reader's socks off.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and best of luck in your future writing endeavors!
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Review of The Fourth Child  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.5)
It was supposed to be just one more in a long string of routine but profitable mining trips. Instead, Dana discovered the answer to one of the solar system's greatest mysteries - in the form of an enormous, telepathic space dragon.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!


What I liked:
The space dragon seems to represent all of the mystery of the final frontier, a being much older, wiser, and more powerful than humans. Rather than being impressed by humanity, it is irritated by it, and despite its superior knowledge and ability to read minds, confused by the nature of the human experience. Meanwhile, the story of the energy source that ends up being a dangerous sentient being is reminiscent of the theme of the old computer game, Starflight. These are the classic attributes of superior beings in fictional worlds such as those of Star Trek and Dr. Who, intended to bring about a sense of wonder. Those serve you well, as does your use of the question "why" as the one a superior being can't answer, and the human psychological struggle for existence as a possible answer.


What might be improved:
It should be noted this is essentially a vignette rather than a story with a plot and conflict. It details a memorable moment for Dana and humankind, where secrets were revealed to each about the nature of humanity, history, and the strange energy crystals. I enjoy vignettes, but not every reader does.

Dana could be more developed. She is an astronaut with training from NASA and a space miner. We know very little else about her or what she wants, expect that we are told she is introverted and likes the quiet. Her role in the story is to be suitably shocked as the creature arrives. You have an opportunity to add to that.

It's very difficult to write superior beings believably, and the dragon comes across a bit more childish and petulant than you might be aiming for. For example:
"To be honest, I loathe you, humans. Arrogant, ignorant, weak, selfish, and think the Universe revolves around you. But the slight interest I have is the why. You conveniently ignore the meaning of your existence. I want to know how you pulled it off”

So much of the power of your story revolves around creating a sense of awe at the meeting with the dragon that it's essential to get right. This paragraph is a bit too direct in the way it detail's the creature's emotions toward humanity, making it seem small and petty, and yet a bit cryptic about the most important point, the dragon's curiosity about what led humans to outlast Earth's predecessor species. Dana's answer that humans don't think about the question is a bit weak, since many humans obviously do: in fact, that's part of what you're banking on to make the story interesting! When creating a sense of wonder, especially, the on-the-nose dialogue will not do. Characters must
have other concerns going on in their minds, only some of which end up expressed in words.

For example, you might replace the statements above with less direct expressions of the same thoughts and emotions:

I find little use in you humans. You think yourselves clever as you steal from us. With such thoughtless pride you build machines to chip away at what is mine, toys I could crumple with barely a thought. You act as if the Universe was built to serve you, though you barely scratch the surface of understanding it, much less controlling it. Even choosing thoughts your little mind can hold is tedious. But you are here, though all those before you are gone. The question, the little thing that stays me from cleansing the world of your trouble, is why.


In all, I think you've got the core of something really enjoyable and compelling here, and I'd love to see you finish it up and polish it off. Keep writing, and thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. I'm looking forward to more!
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Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.5)
Several decades ago, humans made their first contact with visitors from outer space, and the effect was dramatic. It happened so fast, the transformation of a dirty, dangerous globe filled with quarreling nations into a single harmonious nation. Almost no one remembers the transformation, and none now know the true tale of how it happened. Well, none, except an elderly man tired of hiding his colorful tale, finally ready to share it with a stranger, a credulous young boy...

Thank you for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
I loved the colorful language in this piece and the second-person narrative perspective that makes it work. The perspective is consistent, and the language and description lovely to read. The story itself is a puzzle that consists in peeling the layers of the frame story to reach the ever-so-matter-of-fact conflict. All in all, it's a very nice piece of work.

What might be improved:
The first thing that sticks out is that the frame story device seemed to weaken the main character's stakes and the reader's immersion in the conflict. It takes a while to tease out what the narrator is up to and why it matters for him and the world, from various hints about what the listening boy finds unfamiliar, and this is to the good. Unfortunately, it also means that the reader has to make it through over half the story to find out what the stakes of the story really are. I suspect there's a tradeoff involved here between being able to tease out the details in a charismatic narrative and setting up a traditional introduction plot structure upfront. I can't argue with your choice, but perhaps one more off-hand remark or piece of foreshadowing might help set a stronger hook in the opening sentences.

The second thing I noticed was the climax had come and gone before I realized what it was actually about: the deliberate concoction of a heroically rebellious decision to initiate diplomacy between worlds as an alternative to mutually embarrassing fumbling on the part of the humans and aliens involved. I think a pause between the moment when the problem is clearly defined and its resolution would be an improvement in the pacing, allowing the reader a moment to perceive and savor the moment you've spent pages setting up. That, of course, is just a suggestion.

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. Also, Congratulations - you are this month's Winner! You'll find the GPs and the badge in the mail. *Wink*
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Review of World's Fate  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Admiral William serves on one of the most important commands in space: a joint venture between the Terrans and the Mannans intended to save each of the binary planets from annihilating themselves and each another as their orbits collapse. Except, today William finds out differently. Not only does the joint venture end in violence that leads him into a deadly conflict with his own sister, but he discovers the mission was never about saving both planets. With so much time, money, and good faith lost, who could ever save them now?

What I liked:
This is a wonderful, creative plot, one with just a bit of a Star Trek feel. In a short time, it manages to set up tension on multiple levels: planet versus planet, brother versus sister, husband versus wife, humankind versus nature, and between a sure way to save at least one planet and a gamble that may wind up in saving both - or neither. I see too little of this, and it's fantastic.

The pacing is also good, with new information revealed on steady beats: the conflict, the identity of Admiral William, his wife and children's predicaments, the deception from Foster, the justification for genocide, and the final decision. Structurally, this story is really strong.

For a work of this length, the brevity in your descriptions is also very appropriate.


What might be improved:
There are a lot of awkward phrases and grammatical errors. I see problems with subject-verb agreement and tense consistency especially, but you should also keep an eye on your comma usage. You're writing mostly in the past tense, so you should stick with it. There are a few spelling errors too, including more than one misspelling of "Terrans". It's mostly because of these issues that I didn't give your piece a higher rating: they make a big difference in the feel of work. I've taken to using Grammarly for my own on-line writing, as it's free. It doesn't get everything right, but it does highlight a lot of issues I would otherwise need a few editing passes to clean up.

The only other thing I might suggest is working on your dialogue. It's not at all bad, but you may be missing some opportunities to have characters talk past each other in ways that highlight their concerns and personality without stating things right out. I little more subtlety could take that part of your writing from good to great.

Thanks for pointing out this short story. It was my pleasure to review it, and I hope you found something in my opinions of use. My sense is with a bit of editing, it could be very strong. Good luck with the contest and in your future writing!

Sincerely,

Sean
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Review of The Return  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.5)
Planets were falling, Aqualasia had been lost, and it looked as if Captain Parker's system would be next. Admiral Braxton had given up and signaled the retreat. But Parkers was not about to give up so easily.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This short space opera piece had a crisp, clean plot and progression, and moved swiftly to the final revelation, the (as yet failed) return of the Earthlings. The characterization was minimal but efficient: it was easy to gather enough about Parker to care what happened to him, and just enough concrete information about the other characters to get some sense of the importance of the events. The details about the spacecraft were a nice touch, especially bits about the protoplasmic gel and the F-16 fighter chassis, even if the latter seemed a bit out of place in an interstellar battle.

What might be improved:
This contest has seen its share of space combat vignettes, which means that kind of entry needs to have a bit extra to stand out. The center theme, that of an invading alien force with inscrutable motives... that just happens to be the return of the presumably human descendants of Earth, should be played up a bit. A piece of writing should do at least one thing very well. For example, it may provide a visceral description of events, build dramatic tension, or inflame the sympathy or curiosity of the reader. In this case, the dramatic tension was centered around three things: the mysterious motives of the invaders, their inexorable advance, and the details of the space combat itself.

However, it's difficult to move an audience with the technical details of a fight, especially when the reader doesn't have concrete experience with the technology - only familiarity with lasers, gravity assists, explosions, and so on. Without crisp visualizations, it's hard to be drawn in by that. A typical way to build tension with a sci-fi or fantasy fight scene is to introduce an interesting technology, then create a puzzle around it that the protagonist has to solve, but this fight (and the science involved) was pretty straightforward. Building up the stakes of the fight helps too. You can do this by reminding the audience of how long people had been here, how many would lose their lives if the battle was lost, how numerous the enemy was, how difficult it was for Parker to leave his loved ones behind, perhaps to die - one way or another, it's best to provide the kinds of details that convince the audience of the importance of what's going down. That part was a bit underdone. Every story is a matter of making a promise to the reader - and then keeping it. In this case, raising the emotional stakes by pointing out just how much was at risk, and just how impressive the enemy forces were would have improved the story tremendously. Once you have that down, you can worry a bit more about polishing the writing itself. You could fix a couple of grammatical errors and improve a few awkward sentences, but those issues are relatively minor.


In any case, I do enjoy a good space opera, and I much appreciated the chance to read yours. Thanks for the entry, and I hope to see you in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest again!
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Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
A practitioner of magic suffers the most mundane inconvenience: detention by the police to settle fault in an automobile accident. Her "sweet" revenge is cut short by the arrival of a representative of the real authorities, the magical ones who can actually punish her for her magical meddling. Thankfully, it's her brother, who makes her clean up the mess, then forgives her and sends her on her way to her date with her fiance.

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a fast-paced and wickedly creative demonstration of precisely what happens when a "muggle" crosses a "witch"! The sentence structure and tone are on-point, and the dialogue works perfectly for its purposes. As usual, the story is quite well written, with some minor exceptions that editing can fix.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, I have never been a huge fan of the "magic versus mundane" conflict story, simply because of the incredible imbalance in the conflict. "Bewitched", "Sabrina", "I Dream of Jeanie", and more modern versions of the same story all suffer (until they are further developed) from two flaws: 1) It's not clear what limitations the magical people face, making it difficult to measure the inconveniences they face or how difficult it is to get out of them, resulting in a loss of stakes and tension. 2) The technology the normal people have to face magic isn't just inadequate, it's so woefully inadequate that there is no real contest at all. This makes the cruelty on the part of the narrator hard to watch, like that of a child pulling the legs off of frogs - at least, if the child could stick them back on afterward. This was made plainer when J'son wanted to settle things, but the narrator would have none of it.

This objection is to a certain extent one of personal taste because I know a lot of people enjoy a brief taste but harmless taste of vengeance in fantasy, since real life is so full of unfairness that must be suffered wordlessly. I, unfortunately, am a total softie. However, this does affect my reaction, and as a reviewer, it's my job to explain that. Perhaps more importantly, however, this affected the story's fidelity to the prompt: since technology and magic were not opposites with comparable power, and because the narrator was savvy enough to drive cars and fake out databases, this really isn't a story of opposites at all, just of someone with power and someone else without it.

There are some other minor grammatical or stylistic errors with the story that can be fixed with a little editing:
" The air-conditioning was working overtime to keep the inside temperature at twenty. But not his fault. " --> :But it wasn't his fault."


"He was what people call, a tech-savvy, a worshiper of technology. He wouldn’t know spells even it occurred in front of his eyes. But I was more aware of the Council of Magic than him."
--> J'son's tech-savviness never affected the story, but since this isn't properly a word in English, it probably should be marked by italics or quotation marks. Then, "He wouldn't know spells if they occurred in front of his eyes". Third, "I was more concerned about the Council of Magic than him."

There are a few other minor issues, such as the repetition of the point about the pen, which could have been handled a bit more elegantly, but those are minor issues that another editing pass could fix.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! You work was a pleasure to read, despite my own issues with the specific sub-genre and how they relate to the prompt. It was mostly those that kept it from a win. I'm definitely looking forward to more from you!
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Review of A Mind for Sale  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An attempt to bargain with Memory Traders for the life of a girl goes sour, but thankfully Michael has an ace up his sleeve. And, of course, a little skill with guns.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a short, fast-paced high-action story in a far-off and exotic place, where dark and dangerous deals are made. Father Klignen's nonchalant death-dealing in the midst of prayer especially adds cool competence to the heady mix. The style and tone are consistent with the choice of plot, and the piece reads well and smoothly.

What might be improved:
A little (just a little) more information about the characters might have made them feel a bit more real, offered the reader a connection to them, a clearer sense of the stakes, and perhaps some sense why any of them were there. Why was Tahlia captured? What was she to Michael? Why did Tahlia react more to Father Klignen than Michael? Along these lines, the character focus skips from Michael to Klignen in the second half of the piece, and never shifts back, giving the sense that the action is the protagonist here, and the humans minor characters in comparison. Their introduction is a nice teaser, but I want more!

Perhaps most importantly from the perspective of the contest, the subject had very little to do with the prompt: war. Still, I enjoyed it and was glad for the chance to read it.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Looking forward to more entries from you in the future!
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90
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
After years of suffering indignity and violence, to the point where it seems all of humanity must be lost, President Xavier manages to turn the tables against invasion, achieving not simply revenge - but peace.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The concept is a perfect response to the story prompt, and while the sheer level of depletion of Earth's population as it remains passive for so long strains plausibility, it lends weight to the twist - and the twist works beautifully. Utter hopelessness is transformed into utter victory, mostly plausibly enough that the reader can accept it.

What might be improved:
Earth currently supports seven billion people: seven thousand million. The idea that humanity would quietly tolerate depletion to the level of 10 million without rioting and overthrowing its leaders doesn't imply strain believability but demolishes it. I suggest leaving a higher number than that.

Along these lines, some of the word choice seems simple, too colloquial, and hyperbolic: "But why? People were happy with everything. No one complained when one of their families was either beamed up or taken away at the point of some weird looking guns."

Mind your tone and grammar! The concept of the piece and the delivery of the character and plot work so very well that they simply reach out and grab me. However, there's a lot of room for improvement in the language and tone of the piece, and the level of character detail could be bettered with few words. This piece is too much fun not to love, but some time spent in cleanup and raising the reading level just a little could really help it reach its potential!

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and Congratulations! You are this month's winner!
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Review of Foresight  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Like HG. Wells's Time Traveler, Norman is spurred by a tragedy in his past to invent the machine that will allow him to change it. Like that Time Traveler, Norman discovers he can't change his own past. However, unlike that tragic figure, Norman discovers that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't have to.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
Norman's and Del's time streams were cleverly interlocked, with each attempting to reverse a tragedy in his own life. The difference is that Del goes one step further, sabotaging Norman's life in order to better his own. But the resulting story is logically consistent, a feat by itself when it comes to stories of time travel. Despite the complexity of both the plot and the sentence structures the story uses, the pace is quick, and the narrative is clear. The ending, once the reader realizes that eliminating a tragedy in one's own past is impossible, is a nice twist. Well done. Ariel too is a fine character device, acting as a foil for Norman and providing a way to inform the reader without information dumps.

What might be improved:
There are a few awkward sentences, including a (grammatically correct but cumbersome to parse) run-on long enough to fill the role of a paragraph: "And when his younger counterpart dashes away despite Del’s protestations, Norman remembers the years of study his past-self has yet to seclude himself from friends and family to undertake, study that led eventually to the creation of Ariel, a digital ghost with an aged simulation of his daughter’s voice, his guide through time and his delusion, his shield against the realisation that the two words the Del he’d left in the rain had used to describe Norman’s work were both fair and accurate: mad science."

Another example: " There she is, just beyond the trees, scared by the scream she has just heard, asking Del’s past-self what it was, even as he lifts her up and heads for the treeline and suggests they continue hiding from Daddy, but she struggles and kicks and escapes his grip to send him sliding through the dirt, his ankles colliding with protruding roots to tear screams from his lying mouth."

I would recommend splitting these up, though it will take some care to keep the quick rhythm without making the sentences choppy.

In this case, you go the other way, adding an extra "and" clause: Her reply is a garbled stream of static interspersed with phrases like “critical error” and “departure imminent” and “date undetermined”.

A bit of wordsmithing here will make the story much more elegant, as the cleaner writing is, the more the unsightly bits stick out.

From a plot perspective, I might have wished for a more original concept, but the twist at the end makes it fresh.

In Summary:
This is a lovely bit of writing, and a different stylistic example is a breath of fresh air for the contest. Congratulations: you are the winner of this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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92
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Po and Illuan work with their "colleagues" to pull off a deadly, impossible heist - and one that seems to result in an empty vault. But Illuan's preparations pay off, and after dealing with a single, final betrayal, they make their payday.

What I liked:
This story rises to the challenge of the contest prompt, offering personable characters and a high-speed action chase right out of a movie!

What might be improved:
Despite the action hook and the betrayal, I wasn't surprised. I suppose this is a pretty cliched genre, but despite a solid delivery, this entry felt a little too "safe". (My own recent story, "Samantha", fell victim to the same issue in the Phoenix Point contest, I fear). I most certainly enjoyed it, but it needed something a bit more risky or creative to edge out the win. While disappointing to hear, the bright side is that I don't have any serious execution flaws to point out, which shows consistent and skillful writing.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! It's been a pleasure to read.
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93
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Earth is in desperate straights. In the midst of a conflict with a powerful interstellar species possessed of mysterious technologies, its defenses are huddled at Sparta Station. However, a strange message in a dead alien language foreshadows the worst.

What I liked:
The setting was enticing, drawing the reader through the story. The details about the Parsi and the Zhagharies were fine touches, giving hints of a more thoroughly-developed galaxy. The narrator and Kelly Wilson were both characters given thought in a plot that moved steadily towards the foreshadowed doom.

What might be improved:
There were a number of minor grammatical errors and awkward sentences. Though individually minor, such errors can distract from an otherwise fine story. In some, a comma might have been useful, and in others a simplification. I might suggest:
"He laughed heartily, making his bulky stomach dance."
"Commander John Wilson was an ever-smiling man with cobwebs around his eyes and lips, and a permanent pinkish tint on his face."

Other sentences were correct, but might be made more graceful:
"What it said was silly, but where it came from was dangerous. I quoted, "Knock knock. Who’s there? There's a bomb for you."
Might do better as:
"The words were absurd, but their source indicated a serious threat. "Knock, knock. Who's there? A very large bomb."

Also, except for the small twist regarding Kelly's father, the piece was rather straightforward. A bit more misdirection would have made it more powerful. Still, it was a pleasure to read.

Thank you for an enjoyable read and your entry into the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! It's always good to see your writing!
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94
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Berenice and Auriga, after reliving the bittersweet memories of time spent with a beloved pet, euthanize it and make plans to replace it - with another human.

What I liked:
The concept of humans as pets of aliens or even robots isn't completely new, but the robots are so thoroughly humanized that it works very well as a twist at the end. The way the robots are handled is fascinating: there are many clues that these silicon-based life-forms are humanoid in appearance, mannerisms, and interests. Meanwhile, Perky's mannerisms were just like those of a dog. The contrast of moods conveyed is odd and clever, ranging from initial sadness to a creepily off-color cheer. Well done.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, the head-hopping between Perky and the couple is a bit distracting, as is the mention of aliens at the end. A more consistent perspective would probably improve the piece, and the reaction of the robots to discovering alien silicon life forms hits a bit wrong. They're awfully trusting that the meeting will go well, and the tone of the conversation is a bit light to end with, "we expect the benefits to be the greatest of all time".

Overall, this is a really great piece, and worthy of tying for the win! Thanks for entering it in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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95
Review of The Gamble  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, I really enjoyed this! Humankind has been almost entirely replaced by robots after a Martian invasion, but memories remain: even within some of the robots themselves.

What I like:
The concept, while not entirely original, was well and uniquely executed. I just really enjoyed the character of the writing. The narration and description work very well, and the character of the robots shine through. Your description has the robots anthropomorphized by replacing hair with fibers, along with adding a number of human mannerisms to them. This is actually a mixed blessing in some ways, because it humanizes the piece, but also gives up some claim to realism. But for me, the sense of really being brought into the story by those details made up for that.

What might be improved:
Some of the concepts begin to seem less coherent after the first reading. If the Consortium kept the robots because they are useful, what use did it put them to? Why did it invade? Why did the robots not remember who their masters were - out of fear? What gamble did the couple make - where they really hoping to rekindle the humanity of robots and see them start a rebellion? Much is unclear.

Overall:
This is a wonderful piece, worthy of a merit badge and a claim to victory. Congratulations, and thanks for crafting this and sending it my way!
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96
Review of Franklin  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for joining in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! In a story at once upbeat and foreboding, the captain of the USS Flagstaff relates her tale. Or is that the tale of her ship's "IT"?

What I liked:
This story gets full marks for its Star Trek meets Frankenstein setting, as a creative response to the contest prompt. With attractive language and pacing, you relay the moment when an artificially created being appears to bring itself to life, accepting responsibility for its being, and ambitiously reaching for command of the starship. The parallel of human endeavors to create AI to the classic story of Frankenstein is uncommon in sci-fi, and it's a rich example to draw from.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, I see a number of awkward or grammatically incorrect sentences. In the first paragraph, I find the closing sentence odd, "My name is Mary Ellen Smith, and this is my story," because while Mary is the narrator, the story doesn't really seem to be hers.

This should use an or clause: ". And Franklin was assigned as my advisor so he (IT) was always on the bridge and anywhere on ship he chose to be."

These clauses are awkward: "And more were coming. Perhaps better ships as we were the first to figure out the problems, so the brain trusts on earth could improve on our prototype. "

It's not clear how well tested ITs are, but this strikes me as an extraordinarily trusting idea. I would expect a human as second in command, or else why not place the IT in command up front? "The idea was if I were suddenly ill or otherwise incapacitated IT would take command."

Some of the dialogue is also awkward, spooky, or on the nose: "I am real and a thinking person. But I will allow you and the crew to handle this situation until you request my assistance."

Then, at the end, the experiment with creating life in Frankenstein didn't go well, so why is Mary so sanguine about Franklin? And is Franklin the "monster" or the monster's creator (who is not named Frankenstein). Much at the end of the piece is still unclear.

Overall:
Thanks for entering the Science Fiction Short Story Contest with a creative and clever piece. I enjoyed it, and I'm grateful you choose to write and share it. I hope to read more from you in the future!
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97
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for writing in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

This is more a position essay than a story, but it's on the topic of the prompt, so thank you for sending it my way. As you say, current robots are simply programmed to perform tasks. They don't incorporate general AI, their programming doesn't mutate and evolve, and they mostly don't build new copies of themselves - all properties a truly threatening robot would need. There are some interesting signs on the horizon, but current developments don't seem to be going at all the way Asimov said, and I'm not holding my breath waiting for Skynet. :) Thanks for your thoughts and the entry!
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Review of The Carbon Farmer  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
A narrator from decades hence cashes out hundreds of billions of dollars in a favored stock, rolling his investments into "clean energy" - and coincidentally, finds himself in possession of some of the world's most sensitive telescope arrays. He finds himself (or herself?) able to sense distant threats to the planet, and is suddenly in the unique position of being able to thwart them.

What I liked:
This is a somewhat technical story, and therefore a great fit for a forward-looking sci-fi contest. When I judge, I do look for all the usual story elements: character, plot progression, a hook, and a setting that brings the reader in. In science fiction, as in fantasy, the setting is a character in its own right, should be rooted in current reality as well as forward-looking, and should be central to the plot. Too many sci-fi entries fail to fully develop that character, and I'm pleased to see you do so. The narrator truly was in a unique position to see and respond to threats that no individual of lesser means could, the technology he invested in enabled both, and so the thesis works.

What could be improved:
The development of other characters, most especially the narrator, seem neglected in the name of brevity (the contest budget of 2000 words should be sufficient to bring a little more to those elements). The reader knows almost nothing of the protagonist or his motivations, much less about the world he so casually saves (out of altruism, pride, or simple rational self-interest, we cannot be completely sure). In other words, you've offered solid bones, but I would love to see more flesh on them.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction short Story Contest. It was a pleasure to have your story to read!
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99
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Quick! It's an emergency only a florist can handle! Not only the world, but the entire species might be at stake!

What I like:
This concept is so creative - I love it. As usual, you approach a truly original story with effective dialogue, nice pacing, clever details, and humor.

What I might criticize:
Part of my mind is asking, "Don't you need at least about 1000 people for sufficient gene diversity to re-populate a planet?" Well, maybe the aliens can solve that with cloning and genetic repair or something. And, of course, it's very sad that this is the only help the aliens can or would be willing to offer, given the suggested fate of the world...

Summary:
This is wonderful. Congratulations on winning the Science Fiction Short Story Contest this month!
100
100
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.5)
A failed engine nearly leads to complete tragedy, with a visiting craft lost in the dangerous and unexplored Dark Zone.

What I liked:
The concept of the dangerous yet gentle giant lost in the unexplored regions of a distant future, yet coexisting peacefully with future humans in exotic landscapes, is a great hook. Bringing that together in that last line makes for a very human and satisfying ending. Between narrative and dialogue, you reveal a well-crafted and evocative setting in which to place the story.

What might be improved:
For a story of this size, the setup felt slow. Most of the details of the crash (speeds, altitudes, temperatures, and locations) made for nice color, but it felt as if perhaps too much time was spent on them - especially given the split viewpoint of the opening. While your setup of the Dark Zone and its meaning was appropriate, it felt as if overall too many details were given and too much time spent on dialogue that neither illuminated the characters, developed the world, or pertained to the plot.

Overall, great read as usual, and it's nice to see you back again! Still, with a slow setup and a one-dimensional pay-off, I can't quite give it the win, though it makes a strong runner-up. Thanks so much for the entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. You help make this fun!
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