Cinn's (cinnamonfringe) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

1,621 Public Reviews Given

1,644 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).

I'm good at...

Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.

Favorite Genres

Free Verse, Scifi, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical

Favorite Item Types

Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.

Least Favorite Item Types

Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.

I will not review...

I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.

151

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#4222391

Review of Poetry

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there, Ben

!

Looks like you've settled into the site nicely... finding your way around quite well from the look of things. I saw your folder question in Tech Support (I'm a mod... so I look in there frequently just to see if everyone has been assisted). Why not swing by and see what you've done to your port since I was last here?

You reviewed one of my poems, so I intended to review one of yours in return. And I could do that... but I am not your intended audience for sure. Spiritual and religious... I'm neither of those things.

And besides, you have had lots of reviews on them already. They appear to be very VERY well-received as well!

So anyway, I figured that since I was here, I might as well review your poetry folder. It makes your port look more complete to have stars on everything, and folders often sit unreviewed for years (I review folders now and then that have gone unreviewed for over 10 years!). So... I think it's a nice thing to do, if not the most helpful.

I have a feeling that you'll be filling your port up in no time at all. You're off to a really good start on this folder. Poetry... a novel... multiple short stories. I suppose that next, you'll end up making another folder for the short stories, hmm?

I also wonder if maybe you will end up with a more diverse set of poetry types and genres after a while. It might widen your reader base, but you know... writers write what comes to them. All is looking good. Keep doing what you're doing because you seem to be doing fine!

I might as well review the one other item in your port with no rating too.

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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152

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#4222271

Review of Fable if You're Able

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

You already know what I think of this contest, right?

I sort of spelled it out the other day in my newsfeed post. I hope that you got some entries and support out of that. If not, no matter! Give it some time. You're new and the contest is new. It will take off in its own time.

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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153

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#4222270

Review of Fables, Parables and Tall Tales

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Oh, and here are all of your own personal fables, hmmm? I'll have to come back here and look through them sometime. It's such a cute idea. Aside from one fable that I had to write in school once, I've never really attempted it. Maybe one day.

Looks like people like them at any rate! Look at all those stars!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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154

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#4222269

Review of Writing Exercises and Drafts

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Welcome to WDC!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

I just wanted to give you a few quick folder reviews. If no one comes along and reviews folders, they tend to sit starless for a very long time.

Two drafts so far... not bad really. I'm sure it will fill up in no time!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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155

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#4222250

Review of Articles (Faith}

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Well, love... I'll keep this one brief I think. You know me... I have no faith. I'm happy that people can find hope and comfort through their faiths though. It doesn't bother me one bit that my friends are religious or spiritual or etc.

These are all from the same year, so I find myself wondering if there are more tucked away someplace in your port... if your maybe just forgot that you have this folder and have been putting them elsewhere... or if maybe you only write about the topic once in a while when the mood strikes. Regardless, write what you want, when you want, and the way you want.

That's my writing philosophy. Why not indulge yourself, right?

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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156

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#4222242

Review of Children's Stories and Poems

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Did I miss your anniversary?

I'm sorry! I have so many people in my favorites list that bunches of people pop up every day. I guess that I barely even notice who those people are when I'm busy.

Allow me to make it up to you with a mini-port raid!

I like to pick one or two friends/acquaintances/hard-working people and do port raids for my monthly anniversary reviews. And I focus on the odd item types that people rarely review. Like... say... folders? Sometimes, they just sit with no stars for years and years. Might as well give some happy 5-star reviews to celebrate and also beautify those portfolios, hmm?

So, this clearly isn't what you write the most, but it is great that you have a place for children's poetry when you feel like writing it. It never would have occurred to me to make a children's poetry folder... I might have 4-5 someplace. Maybe. Children aren't my typical audience, as you know. Anyway though, a nice full folder of poems that have been well-received from the look of the reviews.

Keep up the cutesy work! And... on to the next folder.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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157

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#4221969

Review of If Wishes Were Horses

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, Neva! I'm working on a challenge that requires me to review a Folklore item. I stumbled across this and thought I'd give it a quick review.

What Caught My Eye

I love the title. It's super cute and really sounds like the beginning of an old adage... like something my grandmother would say.

Favorite Aspects

The opening two lines are just adorable. They flow well, offer interesting imagery, and I love the actual meaning there.

Language / Word Choice

I think that this type of piece is perfectly suited for children. The only word that I think is an odd choice in this regard is "parr". Some of the others are longer and would need to be explained to a child, but "parr" is one that I'm not sure the average adult could explain. I had to look it up, and I would guess that my vocabulary is better than the average (though possibly not better than yours

).

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

"Love's honey-sweet words they'd encrypt" - Here, "honey sweet" is definitely a compound adjective. That's the way it reads... so it needs a hyphen. Without the hyphen, honey modifies sweet which then modifies words.

"by their side" - "Poets" is plural. "Their" is plural. Poets don't all share one mutual side... so it's "by their sides".

Effect

The flow is really nicely done, the rhymes are interesting and unforced, the imagery is solid... for me, there was a major disconnect between the first stanza and the second because I was expecting more about writers. My issue not yours, likely. Overall though, this is quite a clever piece. A bit of light revision would make this such a strong little piece... the best I have read on here for a while now. A pleasant surprise.

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#4219512

Review of My Evil Plan Is In Action!

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the April 2016 round of "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

Norb... in relation to the prompt picture, this piece totally amused me. Like... it's just so perfect for that fake semi-maniacal look of the picture. Muahahaha... a punctuation virus bot!

Favorite Aspects

The rhythm of the second, third, and fourth lines is probably my favorite aspect of the piece. It's so tight. You are good at forcing rhythm into outrageous curves, and as a free verse lover, I approve.

Language / Word Choice

The beginning is heavy with the word choice, and it gradually thins until the end, simplifying both the language and the visual shape on the page. It works well in context.

Flow / Rhythm

The rhythm gets a bit loose after that first section. It's probably only noticeable because those first few lines are so tight. It seems like slight restructuring could help. If you mention the bot first and then the "will tear you down / clean up your indiscretions" bit, it might alleviate some of the bulk produced by "with a" in that seventh line (which seems about a beat too long). The following line also seems about a beat off. Removing "up" maybe would help there? Hmmmm..

how dare you?
I'll tear you down,
a punctuation virus bot
to clean your indiscretions
of the verbally aesthetic kind
and impose my will

Something like that could also work. Just... you know... tighten up the language a bit. The "So I can impose" doesn't work grammatically as well as a simple "and", by the way. Ummm... "I'll tear you down with a bot so I can impose my will" is basically what the section says. It makes more sense to say "I'll tear you down with a bot AND impose my will", if you know what I mean.

Effect

Overall, I really dig it, man.

I think I'd remove the period after "period" too. It plants sort of a visual and allows the "period" to serve multiple purposes. But that is about the extent of my suggestions here. Tightening the language in that one section... and maybe maybe remove that period. That's all I've got for you.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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#4219508

Review of Surfer Dude

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the April 2016 round of "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

As far as judging the contest goes, I think that you nailed the prompt. It is pretty clear that the poem was actually inspired by the image, and that over the top mid-laugh face does appear slightly maniacal. You did well there.

Favorite Aspects

You did pretty well with the form. Any form that is heavy on refrains can become stagnant, and you avoided that.

Language / Word Choice

"Out on open marketplace" is my least favorite line in the piece, and its placement requires using it twice in the first half of the poem. That's a shame, since my introduction to the poem became a bit lackluster. The double preposition kills me. Any reader has his or her pet peeves, and double prepositions are one of mine... unless the line is truly brilliant.

The refrains progress in meaning here... but only slightly. They mean the same thing each time really, but the tone changes from one to the next. It's a reasonable substitute. The first stanza gives no hint that he is a bad guy... the second hints at it... and the third outright says as much. The increasingly clear deviance is well done. And the final stanza is as clearly criminal as the first stanza was NOT criminal. It works.

There are no entirely boring lines in here, which I appreciate. There is at least one word of interest in each line... definitely preferable to those dull connecting lines I see sometimes.

Effect

This is a tightly written piece, but that isn't much of a surprise. I have read your work before, after all.

It is technically sound for the most part. My one complaint (aside from the double preposition line) is that the piece is not emotive at all. It was a fairly enjoyable read in its way, but there were no smiles or groans or thrills or chills. I felt the same way when it ended as I did when it started. Sort of... perfunctory but a good technical write? I appreciate that there was no judgment passed on the subject of the poem-- none is needed. But some sort of emotive quality would have been more engaging.

Overall, it's a good entry. Thoughtful, deliberate, and edited. I expected nothing less, to be honest.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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#4219506

Review of Morbid Attraction

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the April 2016 round of "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Favorite Aspects

The last six lines... quite amusing! They flow well too.

Also love "Old drama sleeps among the reeds".

Language / Word Choice

Most of the language here is modern both in word choice and syntax. The use of "unto" in the third stanza sticks out like a sore thumb, since it is an archaic type of choice. I know that these types of edits can be a pain when you're either counting syllables or writing in meter, but you know... take a look at it if you feel like revising sometime.

"River meanders to the quay" - I have no idea what this means in the context of the third stanza, love. It seems grafted in there to me. You had moved on from talk of water, and then the river runs to the quay (rather than feeding the previously mentioned ocean)... it feels like there is a connection missing here.

Flow / Rhythm

"Cherished moment lost" made me stumble while reading. It's just a phrase that my tongue refuses to say without an awkward pause to disturb the flow. It's not the stresses of the words themselves that get me (that much is quite normal... '-'-'), it is the switch from an iambic rhythm in the prior line to a trochaic in the second and then the loss of either in the second half of the second line. It is fine to flirt with meter but never land on it. When you do land on it though, it makes transitioning out of it a bit awkward sometimes. That is what happened there.

Otherwise, the flow and rhythm isn't bad. A little hiccup here and there, but no major stumbles.

Voice

The opening stanza is sort of light and fluffy in tone. "I rule the net! Check out my hair!" is sort of... a silly comedy type of tone. This is not that type of poem, so my confusion was pretty immediate. I know that the first stanza is the part that relates it to the prompt picture, but once the contest is over, I would rewrite it to match the tone of the rest of the poem... and if that has nothing to do with the internet, so be it.

To be honest, heroic deeds and the type of language used here all have a rather classic epic hero type vibe anyway. It could be interesting to bring the computer age back into that type of gallant hero era, but it would require more than just one mention of the modern in the opening stanza.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a very good draft with just a few oddities. That one stumble in the flow, the one super archaic word in a piece that's about the internet (sort of but not really). Honestly, it would be easiest to just remove all mention of the modern, toss in a few more archaic references, and have a serious and classic type of piece. The mix of old and modern, fluffy humor and seriousness... it didn't quite work. Such is the joy of prompt writing, huh?

If a poem morphs into something else, you can't just get rid of all reference to the prompt... until the contest ends.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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#4219497

Review of Spam Scam

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the April 2016 round of "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

As far as judging the contest goes, the relationship between the poem and the prompt is entirely clear. You fulfilled the requirements in that regard, and it is pretty original as well.

Language / Word Choice

Some of the word choice is really interesting and engaging. I appreciate that. The "dastardly plan...rotten to the core" bit reminded me of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and while that seemed like a strange choice at first, I think that it actually sort of works. It's sort of an exaggerated and over-the-top thing to say.

Anyway, there is a whole lot of filler in here. I can take any single line in here and find filler.

"And before I know it, the next second" - One or the other would suffice.
"I fumbled for my keys as I prepare to" - 'I fumble for my keys, prepare to'
"But something is still amiss"
"My eyes chance upon" - Sometimes it's actually more impressive to keep it simple... "I see"?

The structure of your lines is not actually poetry. No... it isn't a matter of the lines being long. I enjoy long-lined poetry. These sentences are written as they would appear in a short story.

"Unknown to me, three Kevlar-suited police officers armed with semiautomatic rifles storm the offices below, led by an equally heavyset and well-equipped man"

This is a storytelling way of writing... fiction rather than poetic narrative. And this is far from the only line that sounds like it came straight from the pages of a novel. A dash of figurative language does not mean that prose becomes poetry.

Flow / Rhythm

And this is the final clincher that this is not actually poetry but a story with line breaks... poetry has rhythm. That is probably the single biggest differentiation between poetry and prose. The rhythm here is that of ordinary language. Rather than conversational, it has the rhythm of storytelling... quite distinct actually... like a tale told around a campfire or something of that nature. It's so distinct that I can't help but wonder if this was written as a story and just broken here and there. The other poem in your portfolio is clearly meant to be a poem, so that offered no answers.

Effect

This is a bit of a difficult piece to review because it is an interesting write for a story but a weak write for a poem. I suppose that I need to rate it based on what it claims to be... a poem. Honestly, I would consider turning it into a piece of flash fiction (my rating would have been higher for sure). At any rate, if/when you edit, pay close attention to your grammar. This is missing some punctuation, uses quite a bit of passive voice, and could really use a thorough grammar revision in general.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4218678

Review of My first Poem

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello!

I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"

. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

What Caught My Eye

Well, love... I think that this is my first time reviewing you... and all of the first things that jumped out at me are suggestions and corrections. Keep in mind that I'm just trying to help, alright?

I am honest to a fault when reviewing poetry, but I applaud your efforts!

Most people on WDC will be able to relate to this too, you know? We've all been pushed into trying new things around here. I mean... jeez. I wrote two novels since I've been here, and I have no interest in writing novels! These things happen.

Favorite Aspects

Really, my favorite aspect is that you tried. You know? You went for it. And for a first attempt, I think you did a good job.

Poetry is like any other type of writing... you get better with practice.

Language / Word Choice

There is a whole lot of filler in here, love. I'll just give one line as an example:

"I can't help but think that I should give up on this fight"

This is so long and overly complicated. There are three verbs going on in here... can't, think, and give. Simplify, dear. "I can't help but think" is also a bit cliche. Is there a more creative way to say this? Something bolder? If not bolder or with added imagery or something creative, you can at least simplify:

"I feel that I should give up this fight"
"I think I already lost this fight" - Something like this would show the frustration.

Basically, there are tons of different ways to streamline this line... to rephrase and get your point across cleaner and faster. This is what I mean by filler. Do you really need that "on" in "give up on this fight"? Not really... we can understand what you mean without it. Think about this when revising... there are lots of lines in here that could be written quite differently.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow... this is the reason to simplify and rethink how you wrote each line. Is it easy to read aloud? Does one line flow seamlessly into another, or do you need to keep readjusting your rhythm? Some of these lines really throw the rhythm out of whack. If you set the piece aside for a month or two and then read it aloud, you'll hear it.

Effect

There isn't really any imagery in this piece, which could help you break free from the common everyday word choice here. You can be both conversational AND use interesting words... and imagery definitely helps to work them in there. The piece already has lots of things going for it... including a built-in audience. The rhymes are fun and not cheesy (I'm a terrible rhymer myself), the narrative is clear, the lines are emotive, and the message is positive. It's the technical things that fall short. If you keep trying, you'll get there, love.

So... 5 stars for effort! 2.5 for the overall quality. It's a good start (and we ALL start somewhere).

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4218665

Review of "Sea Moods"

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello!

I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"

. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Favorite Aspects

This has a very stream-of-consciousness vibe to it which I don't generally like in poetry, but it gives this piece sort of a dreamy and wistful quality. Nicely done.

Language / Word Choice

The word choice is one of the reasons why the stream-of-consciousness vibe is working here. You still managed to get some words in here that seem thoughtful, deliberate, and creative.

There are some words that just seem like filler though... the most obvious choice and therefore uninteresting. "The sea's tale of woe"? That is cliche. "Not a soul in sight" is definitely a cliche. A kiss that's "tender"... another place where the word is just expected. So there is room for improvement here.

Effect

The flow is okay but could be a bit more interesting rhythmically. The imagery is pretty good. The tone works very well, though the first stanza doesn't paint "dismal and lonely" as well as the second paints "happy and sunny", so the contrast between the good days and the darker days could have been stronger. The piece could also use a thorough edit just for grammar and punctuation (note the double comma on the "the sea awakens" line as well). I would also consider changing the structure of your lines a bit in that second stanza so that every line doesn't have a pause or stop. It gets a wee bit tedious to read a few words, comma, a few words, comma. More variety there could be helpful for the flow. Overall though, it's a decent entry! Thanks for entering!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4218639

Review of When the rooster crows

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello!

I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"

. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Favorite Aspects

Honestly, anyone familiar with roosters could relate to that opening!

I've never had a rooster myself, but my mother recently began raising chickens... and she got a rooster. I believe that she had it for all of a month or so before she got up in the middle of the night and shot it. Obnoxious little buggers. And yes... my mother wielding a shot gun in her nightgown is nothing new. She's that type.

Language / Word Choice

The rhymes are cheesy, but it works for this type of silly, amusing poem. Rhyming couplets is a good structure for this type of humorous/fun piece as well.

Flow / Rhythm

The rhythm gets a bit wonky here and there. It's never off by more than a full beat though, so it's passable. I could still get through it without much work.

Imagery

There doesn't need to be much imagery in a silly poem about birds. If you use the word "rooster" or "crow", people automatically picture one... usually in a barnyard or something. The imagery is inherent.

Effect

Overall, I think this is an enjoyable poem. It amused me and doesn't take itself too seriously. Nicely done and good luck in the contest.

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4218635

Review of "Close to in between."

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello!

I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"

. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Favorite Aspects

The message here is crystal clear and laid out well. It's a short piece, but sometimes short and simple works well.

Language / Word Choice

Stares withhold what? I'm pretty sure that "Stares withheld, but never seen" would make more sense, but even then, the meaning of this line isn't clear from the words. I imagine that it's supposed to be akin to "we may stare, but we don't see each other" or something similar. That isn't what it says though. I would give this line another look.

"In between" is a double preposition. You don't need both... just choose one. "Between" means the exact same thing as "In between" in this case... so just use "between".

Flow / Rhythm

The third line is a bit awkward for the flow. Removing "in" would help with this as well.

Imagery

There isn't any. Really... none at all. It's a shame, since imagery adds to the uniqueness of a poem. As an idea, this poem is perfectly clear but not very creative or original. Imagery could help make it distinct.

Effect

Overall, I think this is an alright draft. It has some issues, but it's a fine start!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4218609

Review of ART AND SIGNATURES

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Alright, so I could review anything in your port. I do drop by and read your latest poems and stuff when I get a chance. I haven't had much of a chance recently, but you know... There are still tons of things that I could review. That last essay got me thinking though... are there any other items tucked away in your port that take ratings but have none? I mean... might as well star them up.

And ta-da! I found one right in your main port. I can see why it accepts ratings too... images? If someone doesn't like your images, that's sort of a big fat 'who cares?' right?

Anyway, since it accepts ratings, I think that it should actually HAVE a rating. So here is a quickie 5-star review for you.

Wow, do you have lots of signatures! Perhaps I should make one for your collection sometime. I do enjoy photography and photo manipulation so... maybe I will when I get half a chance. Hope you're feeling well when you get these, love.

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#4217904

Review of WORLD PEACE

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Hello!

I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"

. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Favorite Aspects

The first and last lines contain the entire message of the poem, really. "Words do"... good and bad and all things in between... they "do". It's simple and effective. Quite clever.

I agree with the message for the most part, which is nice but not necessary as far as judging goes.

Language / Word Choice

"When used" seems like a throwaway line to me. It's filler. Why would you be talking about words that aren't used here? I would strongly recommend using that space differently. This is your hook, and "Words, when used," didn't hook me at all.

There are some "message lines" in here that are a bit conversational rather than poetic. "The same power also destroys" is a fine message, but this does not sound like poetry. I would probably try to simplify theses messages. Example:

"The power also destroys" is infinitely better than the original, and that is just one minor tweak ('same' and 'also' are synonyms.. you don't need both).

In general, there is quite a bit of clutter in your phrasing on the longer lines. Example:

"Knowledge, like a serpent's tooth is sharp,
is able to pierce hearts, and started wars."

"Knowledge is a serpent's sharp tooth
able to pierce hearts and start wars."

Same meaning here, but one is concise while the other is a bit awkward. Also note that "is sharp" and "is able" plant these lines in the present, so switching tenses to "started wars" is very odd. As for the meaning, that is also odd... if words only started wars in the past and have no bearing on the present, why bother tempering our quills?

Also, I'm not sure that "temper" is the word you want there. Tempering a sword makes it more durable and strengthens it... would a quill's durability and strength help us use words more wisely? Not really. Also, calling for action associated with war... to prevent war? That line doesn't really work in context, though I do like "temper our quills" as a phrase unrelated to the poem.

These are just a few of the word choice issues in the piece. It could really use a thorough revision to catch these sorts of things. If every single word is not deliberate, the poem isn't finished.

And a brief grammar issue: "shape our existence" - "our" is plural, so "existence" needs to be "existences". We (plural) do not all share the same existence. Again, grammatically this is necessary, but it also is not helpful for the flow. I'd consider a rewrite of that line.

Effect

I try to focus most where the most attention is needed. You have a format reminiscent of a spear head or something sharp, which is fitting. The flow is alright. The message is clear. It's the actual words used to express the ideas... that is what needs attention here. It's a fine first draft, but it could be really solid with revision.

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#4217897

Review of The Waltz

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello!

I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"

. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Favorite Aspects

I do enjoy the dark nature of this poem. It's amusing to me... romance gone awry. Not sure that I'd put it in the "nature" genre... perhaps "dark" or "romance" or something. That might get more readers who are into this type of poetry.

Language / Word Choice

The word choice is repetitive, and so is the imagery. You've used "gaze" twice and "eyes" three times.

burning eyes
gleaming orbs
seductive gaze
eyes glitter

These are all, essentially, the exact same thing. I get it.

In addition to the individual words and images repeating, the message repeats over and over.

captured in his spell
he entices
he draws her near

swaying rhythmically
she dances
she glides
she approaches

For what it says, this poem could have been half as long. These all tell the reader the same message really. "He enticed her. She came." I would consider cutting all but the strongest of them, as this reads as a long repetition rather than a back and forth nonverbal exchange. I suppose you could say that it isn't back and forth so much as forth and forth (and forth and forth).

"Fear is swallowed" - This is passive voice (by what or whom?).

"unaware of the yawning abyss" - This seems strange. She sensed danger... and now she's unaware of the danger? Did her memory get swallowed along with her fear? Feeling no fear and being unaware of the danger are different things.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

"Captured in his spell" - The preposition here should be "by" not "in".

The pronouns here get tedious. I might consider switching back and forth fewer times so that every line doesn't need to contain she/he and his/her. There are also times when you could easily replace the pronoun with a simple article. For instance,

"His eyes glitter as he devours
his helpless victim"

The second line could easily change to "a helpless victim" or "the helpless victim". The first line could also be easily revised to eliminate "his"--

"With glittering eyes, he devours
a helpless victim, a willing sacrifice."

There are many many places where this type of editing would be useful.

Effect

Overall, it could certainly use some revision, but it is a fine first draft. I can see where you're going with it. Honestly, if this was cut down to 6 lines or so, you might end up with a concise and powerful message. Thanks for entering, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

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#4214800

Review of A World Of Writing

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Welcome to WDC!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

I have been looking around for newbie items to review, and I stumbled across your portfolio. A book for essays on writing... it's not something that you often see in portfolios for people new to WDC. Very studious.

There is currently only one essay written as an entry in the book, but I would consider the "Critical Thinking" spiel in the book's body to be an essay as well. Nicely laid out and formatted for an online audience. The tips are decent too. The tips aren't really about critical thinking, logic, etc... but they are solid tips nonetheless. It amazed me how many people struggled with critical thinking classes. It feels like something that should be... a given? Not at all.

I also looked over your ways to stay motivated in college. It's another well laid-out piece. The tips seemed reasonable for this one too. Personally, I'm a very self-motivated type, but I'm sure that some of these would be useful for some people. Setting small goals... I would definitely recommend that as well.

So far so good. These are well organized and serve the intended purpose. I would recommend fixing the spacing in the "Apply for Help and Support" section of the motivation essay. Otherwise, all looks pretty good to me. At any rate, the book itself deserves 5-stars just for the effort.

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#4214778

Review of Bad Poetry

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Well, I definitely have you beat for this particular subject.

Bad poetry? Oh yeah... I certainly have more than my fair share of bad poems. Of course, I have hundreds in my portfolio, so obviously I'll have tons of bad ones, even if 90% of them are amazing (which is probably not the case).

So... Cafe Au Naturel... super clever name. That one struck me right away. I co-owned and managed a coffee shop, and I also have a whole lot of barista experience even before that. Obviously, my eye would hone in on "Cafe" immediately.

You claim that it's really terrible too, but 9 reviews and 4.5 stars would say otherwise. I'm guessing that it must be pretty amusing.

And... Okay, you've tempted me! I'm done with your folder reviews anyway, so I might as well read your poem.

If I have anything to say about it (that isn't just "Ha! This is great!" or something), then I'll give it a review too.

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#4214775

Review of Short Stories

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

And more stories. It is good that you separated stories from flash fiction too, by the way. Some reviewers want to really sink their teeth into a story and then give overall impressions. Other people only review short work because of time constraints or preference.

I am one of those who really love flash fiction. Most of my stories are shorter than 500 words just because... that's all it took to get the story out. I like concise writing. I also love the tendency to have a surprise/twist/come-uppance ending, and flash does that far more often than longer work. The 'no-time' issue is also alive and well in my world.

So yeah, you've separated them and made it easier for reviewers to find what they enjoy reading and reviewing. It's a good idea. It looks to me like it has been working too... I see a whole lot of reviews on these. Of course, you're a very active reviewer as well. Active reviewers tend to get lots of reviews themselves. Last year, I received more than I gave... and I gave hundreds! It works.

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#4214773

Review of Flash Fiction

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, love!

Every month, I do bunches of newbie reviews, and since you're still a newbie (for a little while longer at least), I might as well take the time to give you some ratings for your folders. No one ever thinks to review folders. They sit for years and years without ratings. I just think that's sort of a shame. So... I like to review them whenever I think of it.

All I can say for this one is WOW! You have been super busy, haven't you?

I think that you have more stories in here than I have in my entire portfolio. I'm not exaggerating either. I have less than this in my Stories and Vignettes folders combined. Aside from those, I just have a book with a few story entries. You're more prolific than me already. Well, where stories are concerned.

You make very VERY good use of the genre options too. Many people seem to think of them as an after thought. I know that I did for many years too. If you want to be read, they are actually one of the most important things you can do. So anyway... well done so far, my dear. You are rocking and rolling!

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#4214758

Review of Images

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Alright, now it seems super silly, but for some reason, I am really good at talking about image folders. It's so random and ridiculous, but this might just be another long review. I'll try to keep it together. I have so much to do that I honestly don't understand how I'm giving these long and super thorough folder reviews!

It just happens that way. I guess I'm in a rambly mood.

First, I loooove that cover image. That is just super super cute! My son is watching The Jetsons in the other room right now too, so he sorta has sound effects at this particular moment.

Sorta awesome. Anyway, that is really just adorable.

I have a few other comments here, but I'll try to keep them brief. A truck signature?

Should I leave it at that, or would it be a little too brief? No, seriously, is there some significance to having an 18-wheeler signature, or is it one of those random things that you just got somehow? For me, there would be some significance I suppose. I grew up surrounded by them. My parents are automechanics and have an entire wing for semi trucks... big enough to park more than one in there and keep the door closed (since it's cold in Maine in the winter time). So ummm... yeah, they just remind me of home.

Congrats on being in the WDC Power Reviewer Spotlight! And weren't you also in the Newbies Academy Spotlight recently? Impressive, my dear. You're just such a go-getter that groups are fawning all over you. And they SHOULD be.

So anyway, nice sigs and nice folder. Moving on.

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#4214648

Review of waking up

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (1.5)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Welcome to WDC!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

I'm looking for stories and poems in the Children's genre because I need to do one for a challenge that I'm working on, to be honest.

I usually read much more... adult sort of themes unless I'm actually reading them TO my son. Of course, as the mother of an 8 year old, I suppose that I am exactly the audience you want to intrigue. The parent buys the books, right?

This is also not language that would be easy for a child to read by him/herself, so I assume that any relatively young child would be the one who ought to enjoy it. I have some experience there.

Favorite Aspects

Your descriptions are quite nice. The sunlight bouncing around and whatnot. You have some nice phrasing as well... "soft orange haze", for instance, is lovely.

Plot

There is no plot yet. I would assume that this is just the first few lines of a story, no? It's a pretty description, but at the moment, there much story. I woke up... I went back to sleep. That's a story in a way... but it's not much of one. Even for a child. If this was an I-Can-Read type of book, the shortness would be perfect. As mentioned though, this is very clearly NOT something that a young child could read. By the time a child gets comfortable enough to read "illuminating", they are ready for more of a plot. The narrator seems to be a teen or pre-teen too, and this is much too short for that age group to consider a 'story'.

Character(s)

There isn't any character except for the narration. Whoever is narrating the story is really the only character, which is alright I suppose.

Grammar / Syntax

Honestly, this is difficult to overlook. Missing spaces, missing capital letters... and that is just the most basic of issues. There are also some more complicated grammatical problems... split infinitive, modifier issues, etc. It could use some basic revision.

Effect

Overall, I think that it is clear that you can write... when you choose to do so. This doesn't seem to have much effort behind it. A shame, really.

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#4214642

Review of Jack's Vision On Things in Life

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

I was looking for a few new members to review and stumbled across your portfolio. I poked around a bit and finally decided to review your blog. And why? Well, I think that all blogs deserve a 5-star rating. It isn't about the quality of the writing. It's about the effort of writing it.

Seems to me that you're doing just fine with your blog. You don't need to write every single day. That's just... not a necessity at all. I sometimes write daily in mine, and other times, I wont add to it for a month or two. It's sort of a 'when you feel like it' project.

So, that's about all I have to say here. This is a nice little introduction to who you are and what your life is like. Little slices of life. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Keep writing whenever you feel like it, and people will wander through from time to time, just like I did.

And if you really want to have other people to read it, why not join some blogging groups? I recommend "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"

for starters. It is required for anyone who wants to compete to comment on each other's blogs. So if you join in the fun, you will certainly have people reading your blog. There is an entire community of bloggers who all read each other's blogs. Just give it some time.

You're new... so you just don't know that many people yet. The more involved you are, the more readers you'll have. I started my blog about 2 years ago. When I started, no one was reading it, but I kept going. It now was over 2000 views. So... write for you, and eventually, you'll be writing for others as well.

One more quick way to get exposure for your blog... Click "Community" on the left menu. Go to "The Blog Board". This is a place to put a link to your blog so that other people can find it easily.

If I can find the time, I might just come back and review some of the individual entries too, just to get a few more 5-star ratings on it for you. Just... because. If you put in the effort, it might as well have the highest rating available, right?

Welcome to WDC. Looks like you're settling in nicely.

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