First Impression
A soldier's battle is more than most can ever imagine. We get busy in our day to day lives and tend to forget our own people are fighting for the right to do so in the first place. Thank you for reminding your readers of the importance of our soldiers and their humanity.
Space & Pace:
The space around your poem is right on target, your lines are not so long that it looks like you're writing prose instead. The pace draws the reader into and through the piece. Your title is also an attention getter.
Suggestions & Typos:
Punctuation and Spelling. Someone once told me that if you're going to put any sort of punctuation into a poem, make sure you put all the punctuation in at the right place. According to that word of advice, I'd check your comma usage- or lack thereof.
ex: "You've paid your dues it's an others' time."
to: "You've paid your dues, it's anothers' time."
Notice the comma after due and the spelling correction with "an other." "Another" is a single word.
Grammar Suggestion. "Not a price is worth humanity total cost." Maybe to "Not a price is worth humanity's total cost."
Overall Thoughts & Rating:
This is my two cents worth. Your work is remarkable and, by my own opinion, prepared for publication. Of course, that's coming from someone who's read, wrote, but never been published. Reading several times, I noticed you mentioned how we not only protect our own, but take care of others as well. That's something we should all remember!
Thank you for writing this piece, Kenzie. For a couple of years now, I have been denying Forwards. Not because of what you just said, but because I don't like receiving trash mail. I have enough to deal with in my e-mail (when I check it) without receiving forwards to. So any one who knows me knows better than to send me a forward.
However, I did not realize that the original writer was not the one to send the forward in the first place, because I have ignored the "From" since the whole list of addresses is so hard to read, so I didn't see the "anonymous." Thank you for pointing this misdeamenor out. I think I'm going to forward the link to this site so that family and friends begin to realize the crime of forwards and begin to re-consider the action. Again, thank you sincerely for the work you have put into this article.
My grandfather and great grandfather also used to build. They made some great creations in their day. I was interested in learning how but, because of my age, he never taught me to build any thing.
Then we moved away and we didn't see him as often as I had growing up- I lived with my grandparents for the first few years of my life, until I was about 12. My grandfather was also old school and, well, with me being female...
Constructive Criticism
Plot and Settings
You strung me along and kept the interest level up.
As I read this story, I kept thinking of the house my great grandfather used to own in town and of the country home my grandfather had and the garage he worked in.
Spacing and Pacing
The pacing was just right; although you did some jumping around, you did it smoothly. And the spacing was comfortable as well.
Characters and Dialogue
I'm sorry that your father let his fear rule over his spending time with his children. I could very well imagine your brother working with him in the basement on that train set. Those must have been some great times spent with him.
Your characters were quite clear, coming off the page. I could imagine a little boy wishing to spend as much time with Dad as his older brother. And your father sounded like quite a character as well.
Mechanics
Capitilization
"made more poignant by the fact that (D)ad made it."
Punctuation
"Today(,) if I were to want a magnificent dollhouse,"
"My brother('s) skills came from my father..."
Overall Review
A very touching story that just needs a midgen of attention.
I could imagine the swampy area the little man was walking in, and the sounds of nature surrounding him and his friends. The story had a good rhythm and made sense.
Spacing and Pacing
Good spacing, good pacing. Your timing was good rhyming, the pacing was superb.
Mechanics
Punctuation
Comma(,) rather than ellipses(...)
"He walked up a hill(,) through a forest of trees"
Subtract ellipses all together
"The little mud man is now..."
There's punctuation throughout, but it is incomplete. I would reccomend finishing your punctuation marks.
Overall Review
I really liked your poem, just needs a few changes in punctuation. Good job and write on!
Sad how there are times we get so wrapped up in fulfilling our dream that we leave those closest to us behind. May this story be a warning to those who think that screwing around, "trying to achieve our dreams," is acceptable. Always stay grounded in morality.
Constructive Criticism
Plot and Settings
The setting was clear, a cool evening air on top of either a hill or mountain side. I was not confused by the fact that he was alone nor why he was alone.
I liked how you worked the poem into the story. You did a better job than I did in "Invalid Item" .
Spacing and Pacing
You have good timing and kept thoughts well spaced.
Characters and Dialogue
You did well creating a relationship between the two main characters. I felt for how the main protagonist. What he did was stupid, yes, but that doesn't mean he's lost the right to his feelings. And, in the end, he didn't get very far any ways.
Mechanics
This was masterfully crafted, I could find nothing wrong with your work.
Overall Review
There is honestly nothing that I would change about this piece. Well written! Bravo.
This is an excellent story. A good reminder to think of others, particularly those in the army, and their families.
Constructive Criticism
Plot and Settings
I could see vividly the quite apartment and the activity of the community and shopping centers.
Spacing and Pacing
Excellent spacing, breaking at just the right times. You also did well with your pacing, not too fast, not too slow.
Characters and Dialogue
The mother was put together very well, helping the reader feel along with her. Also, you did well in showing how each character was his/her own person. I liked the kid at the end that helped the woman realize that she was not alone for Christmas.
Mechanics
Mismatching Tense
A group of live carolers replaced the radio and even the noise in the kitchen could not drown[ed] out their joyous voices.
Overall Review
Other than the mismatched tense, I found nothing in this story that I would change. Write on!
Freezes the heart to think how evil some can be. I just have a couple of comments to make about this work.
Constructive Criticism
Rating
The first thing that screams at me is the unappropriate rating. "E" is rated for every one. This piece has things in it that should not be read by children. I would re-rate it 18+.
Plot and Settings
The setting was a bit fuzzy. "The curator kindly gave that space to the family at a much reduced price." Was she locked into a freezer at the morgue?
As far as the plot is concerned, it was interesting. You kept the reader's interest past the last word, leaving them wanting for more.
Spacing and Pacing
The whole story is clumped together into two different paragraphs. I would encourage you to divide it up into smaller paragraphs.
Characters and Dialogue
Artistically crafted, you could sense the fear of the girl and the anger of the detective.
Mechanics
Repeated Word
She shivered, pulling her legs up against her chest and hugging her arms around around them tightly.
Needed Comma
She placed her chin dejectedly on her knees(,) staring out into the pitch black space in front of her.
She took a deep breath, opened her mouth as wide as it would go(,) and belted out the loudest scream... <--- I would also subtract the extra two periods. One would have the same affect.
It had been two years since the last killing(,) but he could still remember the girl he'd found.
Add A Word, Subtract A Word
It had been then that the paramedics came in and verified what he (already) knew, [reporting] there was nothing they could do.
Overall Review
Blood curdling imagery that needs just a little attention. Good job, Araelani.
I'm sorry for Caroline's attitude. Instead of being determined not to let any one think negative things about her, by being just as active and successful as any one, she has let depression overcome her; and she's only 7.
Constructive Criticism
Plot and Settings
Quite descriptive. Without making the story about the details, you have succeeded in showing the reader the setting, making your plot crisp and full of life.
Spacing and Pacing
Well done. Paragraphs set at just the right places. Also, your timing was in good rhythm... not too fast not too slow.
Characters and Dialogue
There was no dialogue, but I could hear the kids laughing and playing as they ran around with their father. You gave each of them an individuality all their own- the mother, the father, and the injured daughter.
Mechanics
Word Usage
Mom used to use it in the latter days since she'd been diagnosed terminal.
I would re-write
Mom used to use it in the latter days since she'd been (terminally) diagnosed terminal.
Missing Word
She (had) avoided people's eyes and the use of her voice since the incident.
Missing Punctuation and an "s"
He came back just a little too late(;) the house had been engulfed in flame(s).
Sentence Structure
Mom had died of smoke inhalation, she'd been the lucky one. So far as Caroline saw it.
Mom had died of smoke inhalation(;) she'd been the lucky one(,) so far as Caroline saw it.
Overall Review
This piece is good, with a little TLC it could be even better. As your sister, I can tell that your writing has truly improved over the years. Bravo!
Very touching piece. It's hard to stand up for what you believe in, especially if you are teased yourself or believe you will be teased if you help someone.
Constructive Criticism
Plot and Settings
Experience and your descriptions help place me on the bus with your students.
Spacing and Pacing
I liked your spacing, line breaks were very comfortable places to break. Your pacing was also good, not too fast nor too slow, but just right.
Characters and Dialogue
There was no dialogue, but I could just hear the hush of the students on the bus as the kid got on, their jeers and their turned backs. You did well with the character descriptors.
Mechanics
Missed Word
"Am I (the) only one to see/ his eyes fill up with tears?"
Typo
"AsAnd so for 68 minutes/ as I ride the bus each day"
Overall Review
Besides the couple of mechanical errors I picked up, there's not much I would change about this piece. It's quite touching and I would encourage you to look into getting this piece published.
Oh, yeah! What a great place to move if you don't like storms- Oklahoma. LOL.
Constructive Criticism
Plot and Pacing
Nice, steady beat; no freezing and no speeding.
Characters and Dialogue
Where one character wanted to freak out, the other kept a nice cool head. And that one was the one with the worst injury, or so I understood. It made for one really good story.
Settings
A clean, comfortable home and a trailer. I had images of both in my head.
Unclear on one point. "She grabbed a pack of smokes from the fridge and we headed outside to see the damage from there." How'd you get outside? Window? Basement door?
Mechanics
Missing punctuation
ex: I hate storms(.) I really am not comfortable at all with thunderstorms or hail or hurricanes or, god forbid, tornadoes.
Incorrect punctuation. Also suggest moving "finally" in the first example
ex: I’ve gotten a puppy and she, finally, is house or should I say, trailer-broken.
Might replace with
I've gotten a puppy and she is finally house, or should I say trailer, broken.
ex: I was[,] initially[,] horrified, but Michelle just laughed and said they’d be fine playing and let’s go eat.
ex: We were enjoying coffee and watching the two dogs soundly sleeping having[,] finally[,] worn each other out.
Consider replacing "then" with "and"
ex: Michelle swore thenand said we needed to get downstairs now!
I think you meant "she'd"
ex: Houses were replaceable and she’s wanted to remodel anyway.
Spacing
Good spacing, I wouldn't change any of the paragraphs. Perfect resting places for readers.
Overall Review
This is a really cool story. I happen to love stories about how animals save people's lives. Just imagine what might have happened if neither of you had had a dog, or what could have happened to you if your place had been hit. God is so great!
This review is in response to a review you sent me. You told me more description, less talk. You definately practice what you preach.
Constructive Criticism
Plot
Heart wrenching, what more can be said? Brava!
Characters
Believable. Their actions made sense, but then, I'm guessing that's partly because it's not just a story... it's your story. This is about you and your family, is it not?
Pacing
Ran smoothly: slow in the beginning and harsh and a bit faster at the end, at the most touching point in the story. Then, at the very end, a peaceful death.
Settings
I could see it well enough; too well actually.
Dialogue
Made sense per character.
Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation
Found Nothing
Spacing
The reader's eyes are able to rest. The sub-concious can handle the changes easily.
Overall Review
This is a wonderful piece. Have you been able to publish it any where yet?
Your a really good author. I think I might read you more just to learn from you. Thanks for the wonderful read.
Oh, that is so sweet! You did a good job here, pulling in your reader and creating a good ending. I encourage you to keep writing. I believe this piece could use some polishing here and there, but your characters and your story line are presented well. Good job and write on!
Wow! I did not know that phobia existed. What a frightening thing! She is scared for all these years and, when she decides to face her fears, she dies because of it. Fears are important to have... they should not be dismissed because they make you think about your safety more clearly. However, you shouldn't let yourself go crazy, either! Bravo on a job well done!
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First Impression
Space & Pace:
Suggestions & Typos:
Punctuation and Spelling. Someone once told me that if you're going to put any sort of punctuation into a poem, make sure you put all the punctuation in at the right place. According to that word of advice, I'd check your comma usage- or lack thereof.
Overall Thoughts & Rating:
Capitilization
