:) Very funny indeed. I don't watch that much food network, but there are times when I stare at it for something to do. I thought Emeril was putting cyanne pepper into everything rather than garlic?
I think my favorite profile is the one concerning Rachel Ray. I haven't seen her but I'd love to watch her carry an entire grocery store with just one trip.
Do wish you'd included a bit on The Naked Chef though, he does make me wonder.
ROFL! This is hysterical and saddly way too true. Great job on this piece :) You have a marvelous sense of humor.
This almost reminds me of one of Jonny Carson's top ten lists. I think my favorite one is 'you know kung fu'. As a subset of that, I might suggest adding in 'even if you know some other martial art such as aikido, your friends still expect you to break boards with your head.'
This starts out quite well and the first two sentences remind me of many fairtale scenes.
The third sentence is a nice break from the usual, and I can visualize a princess some where, her hands on her hips, foot tapping impatiently.
The fourth sentence however is confusing. I'm not at all sure what it's supposed to mean and for me it just doesn't make any sense.
Over all, a very nice job. Good imagery. Perhaps consider rewording the last sentence a bit.
Marvelously done. You've made every word in every sentence count. The only thing I might change is to leave out the second Oh God in the last section. Just one would have more impact than two of them.
Over all, a very dramatic, emotion filled piece. Very nice. Write more like this.
A little bit hard for me to read the text since it's in light blue...and on my monitor it almost doesn't show up. A nice idea, giving a table of contest to your portfolio. I rather like that. It's a bit long, so maybe a litem instead of a bitem for each tag.
Heh. Very nice. I like this. You've written a wonderful personification of the color.
Just a couple technical comments.
Put a few blank lines into the piece. You have several sections in it, but it would make reading it easiser with a blank line before each of them.
Also, please consider not centering every line of text. All centered also makes it hard to read and harder to tell what the flow is supposed to be.
One section stands out. It starts with
Remarkable Red on a single line, then the lines under it discuss her. Suggest re-formating the piece and doing the same for Rude Red and Lady Red. Right now, Rude Red comes at the end of a different line and Lady Red has only one sentence.
Over all a nice job, very descriptive and creative.
Excellent job. This captures the spirit of just about every cat I've ever known. I'd love to see a picture of yours.
I gave this a 4.5 instead of a 5 simply because of punctuation mistakes. The end of each line should have something. Either a period...a comma, a colon, a simi-colon, an exclimation point...or any one of a number of other puctuation marks. Either stop the reader when the end of the sentence is reached or else tie the sentence into the one coming next. Without the punctuation at the end, the effect is a bit like approaching the edge of a cliff...we're not sure what we're supposed to do...should we stop, go on, back up? The effect is distracting and dilutes the enjoyment of the reading experience.
Add to that, the fact that punctuation used properly really increases the impact of the words. You've used very few in this and you should try to get all the milage you can out of them. As an example, let's take the line:
Playing, Resting, Eating
Read outloud as it is now, the line is fairly emotionless and monotone. Cat's are anything but emotionless and monotone however so use a bit of punctuation to spice it up. Perhaps like this:
Playing! Resting. Eating...
Good job over all. Looking forward to more from you.
Excellent job. Excellent. The only reason I didn't give it a 5 is because of the very last part of Laura's report. Throughout the entire thing, Laura sounds very convencing, talking from the point of a little girl that hasn't a clue what's going on.
However at the very end of the report, the voice should change to that of an adult. She said that they lived in paris a long time, then went to america where she met and married a guy she's been with for 50 years. That's no longer a little girl talking, that's a woman who is mature and who certainly knows that what daniel has isn't a bracelet, and neither is what she got. But it still sounds like the same little, cluless girl talking.
To me this seemed out of place. Unless the girl in Laura's report had lost her mind and regressed to childhood or something...which I didn't see any indication of.
Overall, a very well written and a very potent piece of work.
Perfect. Absolutely perfect. The tempo flows, the words spin marvelous imagery, the point comes across clearly. You've taken the keyboard and transformed it into a magical paintbrush, stroking colors of imagination across the minds sky with this. Very very good. Change nothing.
Oh this is an excellent piece of poetry. Very well written and the emotions flow from it without hinderance. The only reason I didn't give it a 5 is because in the last stanza, the very last line, the very last word...myself...doesn't rhym well with the word shell. The only thing that doesn't quite work.
Finding something that'll rhym perfectly with shell isn't necessarily going to be easy and it may require a rewrite of the stanza, but I suggest the following words:
First, this is an excellent piece of writing. You are extremely talented and it shows through. I was able to see the room and connect almost instantly with the story.
I can't give this a 5 star rating however because of a couple technical details.
1. this line
No, more than that, it doesn’t just live, it breathes.
too many commas. Try something like this:
No...more than that...it doesn't just live, it breathes.
Or perhaps this:
No, more than that; it doesn't just live, it breathes.
Also, I suggest a slightly different wording on this line:
People come and go as a heart beats.
Suggest changing it to something like:
It's heart beat can be heard in the footsteps of those who come and go.
or perhaps.
It's hear beats to the rythm of people as they come and go.
Other than those two minor details, this shines. I want more of this, I hope you plan on expanding it?
I like this, and at the moment I pretty much feel the same way. The speakers feelings come through quite clearly and it's very easy to tell what he (or she) is trying to say.
There's something that doesn't quite work about the tempo in this so I can't give it a 5. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that isn't working however.
I like this. I especialy liked this one thing. In the poem you tell your son
Art is to look at, I reminded him. Don’t touch
Yet at the end of the poem he taught you that in order to BE art, a person MUST touch...to put pen on paper, dress up clothing on bodies and do more than just look.
Very nice job and I hope your artists continue to grow :)
A very interesting poem. One that has to be read several times and changing meaning in my mind every time through. I like that.
The only reason I can't give this a 5 is because of one small technical glitch. This line:
He harvest shadows
shouldn't that be
He harvests shadows
or maybe
We harvest shadows
as it's written now, it's incorrect grammer and causes me to trip over the words when reading.
Well said and hopefuly the person who was griping is still around, older and wiser?
Just my opinion, but the amount of value given, for the very small cost different memberships carry, is incredible. Just the storage space alone, not to mention the incredible exposure is worth far more than any of the membership's yearly prices. Then add all the rest of the services and extras on top of that and no serious writer could possibly find a reason to complain.
Wow. Well first comment...where's the rest? Not fair to leave it hanging like this!
Ok a couple technical problems:
This sentence:
His family had not been idle, on the contrary, it flourished; rats were on every continent, doing what they do best, spreading disease and fear, going about at night conducting their business.
should really be broken into 2 sentences simply because it's so long. By the time I get to the end of it I feel like I'm out of breath.
This bit of dialogue:
I spare you only out of respect for what you once were,
doesn't seem to fit the character of the one talking. Somehow I can't see this being having respect for anything, much less what a minion might have done in the past. I can see it sparing the rat solely for what use it could make of him, but respect...just doesn't fit.
The first two sections held my interest very well. I was drawn into the plot almost immediately, but the last section confused me and doesn't seem to fit in with the other two.
I hope there's more to this, I'd like to find out what's going on and especialy who Sary really is.
Oh that is potent. Very very well written and it hits me deep inside. I think the impact would be less if it were longer and I'm glad you kept it short, however I would like to see this piece used as an inspiration for a longer story. I'd like to get to know both of the characters, follow them to this place and see at least a glimpse of where they are going.
The only reason I haven't given this a 5 star rating is because the first paragraph seemed very awkard, and contained information that felt unnecessary to me. I would suggest keeping the first two sentences of the first paragraph, deleting the last three and appending the first two onto the second paragraph.
The reason for this suggestion is that story isn't actualy about the main character's penchant for spending on impulse, however most of the first paragraph is devoted to that and is distracting from the actual storyline.
All we as readers really need to know, is that she was out in the cold and on a shopping trip. That sets the scene nicely for the meeting with her old friend.
It's very touching. The only thing I'm bothered by is the change from present tense in the first paragraph to past tense in the rest of the paragraphs. I'd like to see this expanded into a short story.
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