I have to say, you have quite the skill for crating lifelike characters and situations. Fantastic ending, certainly didn't see it coming.

Your ability to paint a picture is fantastic. I love the opening describing Jefferies' office and desk. The town is wonderful as is the house, and I want to live there myself. Nicely done.

I think you have a powerful story that a lot of young women can relate to in a sense. At some point we all thought we were under our mother's thumb. The twist at the end to throw away the perfect man over a powerful sensory experience is very clever and unexpected.

Looks great! Nothing I noticed.

There are so many great lines, I could cut and paste all day! I particularly enjoyed Jefferies dialect. I thought it was a very clever way to give him some distinction. Your use of the prompt was quite innovative. I think you wove a wonderful story around it and really made it work.

You have a great voice that makes your writing very enjoyable to read. I'm very excited to see what else you have in your arsenal!

After reading some of your other works, this caught me by surprise. So you're a romantic at heart after all!

Things look good. My only concern is the semi-colons. Personally, I don't have a clue to the proper use, but there are some places you used them that I think it might make more sense to just make two separate sentences.

It was great to read something a little different from you. Nice work! Just try putting yourself in your characters place a bit more and try not to be afraid of emotion. If it's too much, you can always edit! (You know I only give you lots of smileys because they are so not you, right?) Thanks again for asking me to review this. Stop by anytime, always good to see you around.

Tragic bit about regret.

I like the hustle of the market place versus his quiet mourning. Nice contrast.

Wonderful, again!

Alright, I think that wraps it up! I have really enjoyed all the various works you have lovingly labored over. Thank you so much for asking me to review them. I have never reviewed so many items from a single author and your variety is stunning. You are quite talented, and I hope to hear from you again!

An all too real image of the pressure a parent can put on his child.

You couldn't have picked a better spot than southern Cali! Where else would windsurfing be a family tradition?

Looks good!

I'm assuming he is a teenager? With that in mind, if he really doesn't want to be there, I'm sure he would check out a girl or two along the beach while he waits, emphasizing his detachment from the competition a bit more.

You must have either been a wind surfer or know one because you have a real knowledgeable tone when you describe Paul heading out into the water. Nice use of terminology!

It's a sad story in it's own way, but refreshing to see a teenage who has a positive place in life and not full of angst and hating his dad. The respect for his father is nicely done, without being "mushy".

Lots of beautiful language, and yet such a sad story.

Looks good. I like the staccato feel of the sentences intermingled with poetic lines.

Nothing more than I already brought up! I think the storyline is fabulous, maybe just think about a little more visual impact.

Very nice use of style! I enjoyed this.

This had me rolling. It reminds me of my dog Monty who hates my husband and loves me to no end!

None! I think this is great.

What a great little story! You had me cracking up and cheering for Saeni!

This piece was a nice surprise. I didn't see the little fantasy bit coming and I thought it was a nice addition to your writing.

I love the depiction of the oil rig, but I think you could expand it even more by describing more of the natural surrounding. Then you would have a striking contrast of man-made versus nature.

Cute story with a nice commentary on assumptions visitors make on other cultures.

I think its great how you flipped the story halfway through without the characters realizing what was really going on between them.
The potholes in the dirt road is a nice touch.

No problems to be found.

You may want to consider leaving out the name of the game catch-the-chicken. I think if he just says, "Our game would be ruined!"then he drops the chicken and states he will catch it first, it is clear and doesn't have that silliness to it.

Great little lesson that things are not always as they appear!

Very cute story!

The oddity and uniqueness of this story gave me a chuckle, in a stunned sort of way.

Nice twist to the typical researcher. Usually its all about observation and note taking, but I thought it was quite amusing that he just starts shooting at the meerkats with a tranquilizer gun with no warning. Choosing meerkats was a great idea. Something so nonthreatening being pelted at close range with tranquilizers, disturbing but funny in its own way.

Nor errors to be found.

This was another great short. I don't have much to suggest for you. I think the characters are quite lifelike for such a short introduction. You may want to consider adding a bit to the setting itself and their surroundings just to pump a bit more in to the story, but otherwise, nicely done.

I think the originality of this is great. It actually has the potential for a larger story if you wanted to expand it.

Nice work!

This story left me with a smile on my face and a fuzzy feeling.

I think the beauty of this piece is really in its simplicity. He's in Kansas by a small lake, and I think it is sufficient for what the story entails. It's succinct which helps the reader to focus on the purpose which is his love for his wife and his peace with her passing.

I really enjoyed this piece. If I had to suggest a change, maybe it would be to make Caroline more physical for the reader so there can be more of a connection directly to her and not just through Rob's relationship with her. It may help the reader to empathize with Rob even more.

I think the end is great. I love the sense of peace that washes over Rob in the air, and it translates onto the reader. Like I said, I ended this with a smile on my face.

Another nice piece. I think I'm starting to realize why you placed in the competition.

Poor Nora. Her car's busted up and she has to deal with her ex. Bummer.

I get that they are in California, but not much else. It wouldn't hurt to add a bit more detail. Where in the state, or is it night or day? Is this a back road or the freeway. Just to give the story a bit more depth.

You may just want to consider filling in a few more details to give it more character, but the piece stands great as it is for being so brief.

I think it's fantastic that you don't tell us the exact circumstances of their break-up. I don't need to know what it is, and I don't like Joseph. You made me completely side with Nora within a very short time.

Nice work!

I like the fast pace of the piece to mimic the pace of the race. (Oh my I sound like Dr Seuss, sorry!

The story taking place on a race track is relatively self explanatory. You did make great use of the senses though and I think you could even take it a step further and incorporate smell into it, such as the fresh cut grass from the inside track. I've personally never been to a race track, so my suggestions are rather limited from there!

The timing is nicely done, moves quickly with the race.

No technical errors that I could find. Nice work.

I'm curious about the comment, "We're winners, now.", as if there is some sense of accomplishment more than the win itself. I think an extra line to fill in a history, like years of training and coming up short, or something to that effect, would help the reader connect with their victory more.

I thought the use of the musical references was fabulous. I think you may have taken a bit of poetic lisence with the word "descendo", I'm not familiar with that term, but I got where you were going with it.

Nice work for a same day prompt and 15 minutes of work. With a little bit of polishing, I think it could really sing.

Positively moving. I actually had to stop reading at one point because my eyes were bleary and I couldn't see the page. Your compassion for animals is quite clear through your writing and I think it's beautiful to see a piece of your soul left on the page.

The boy in your story is wonderful. The simplicity with which he loves this furry family is so pure. At first I was uncertain about leaving him nameless, but by the end I realized this was a good choice. There isn't much of an identity other than his gender, making this a universal story. I really enjoyed his cleverness also, the way he didn't draw attention to what he was doing. One of my favorite details was the constant readjustment of his pants. It's very sweet and gives him that "real" feeling.

You have a fabulous ability to really draw in a reader into your world and your story. To be brutally honest though, I would lose the first paragraph or drastically edit it. This is somewhat like your other story, where the language is beautiful and its obviously well thought out, but it feels tedious. I had to start over a few times because it didn't hold my brains focus, and I may have missed a beautiful story. I realize the intent is to set up a contrast of the complexity of the universe against the boys simple and pure compassion for the animals, but I think you evoke this nicely in other bits. (His father reading the paper) If you could insert a few more lines such as that, I think your message would still come across but let the story open up sooner for the reader. Once I was actually into the action of the story, it moved beautifully. I found myself completely engrossed in the little boys world.

The long paragraphs are a bit cumbersome. I think you could break alot of them up a bit more, just with a simple line break. That might make it a bit easier on the eyes. (Or my brain could just be lazy.) But there is a lot of different action taking place in most and I don't think you have to cram it all into one block after another.
You did get a little parenthesis happy in this piece. I think there are several instances where you could substitute for a comma or make it it's own statement. My grammar skills are pretty sorry though, so I won't try to lecture you on proper usage between parenthesis and commas.

I would also watch again for some of the repetitiveness you use throughout the story. Ex:It was quite clear that he intended to go only to that specific gutter despite there being plenty of gutters near his house. There was one across the street in front of his front door and one on either side of his house, in front of where the side doors should have been; only there were none as this was quite a simple house situated in a complex city. The gutter behind the boy’s front door ran along the perimeter of the compound wall behind his house. It parted ways with the compound wall when it changed direction to envelop the sides of the house because there were already gutters there to accompany the compound wall. It went under the compound wall and remained underground for a few feet before it emerged into the next compound and traversed its length. The gutter actually held no significance to the ignorant eleven year old boy who was preoccupied with the complexities of his simple little world. It seems like you say a lot more than you need to here. Try cutting back a bit to smooth it out. His intention was to visit one particular gutter, despite several other choices surrounding his house. After following a winding gutter path leading from his back door, along the compound wall behind his home until it emerged in the next compound at his destination. Once again, my eloquence is certainly not as well practiced as yours, but you get the idea. The original thought is quite extensive, which I realize is an extension of his vision of complexity in the world, but it just seems a repetitive and choppy to justify its significance.

The relationship between the boy and the mother dog is fantastic. His love for her is so powerful that I loved that dog as he did. It's fantastic how you build this in such a brief piece. Really well done! I love that he doesn't see her as some smelly, mangy back alley animal as everyone else does. There is not a single negative inference until the wretched boys come along. You set it all up very nicely.

If you don't find writing to be your calling, I hope helping animals is where you find yourself. There is so much truth to this piece, it speaks volumes about the type of person you are. I am curious if the pup he saves is the same dog in your other story? Ok, now you need to write something that doesn't make me cry unless they are happy tears!

What struck me most was not the story itself, but the beautiful language you use to tell the story. You have a very unique and complex style that captures a reader.

Anand: The mid morning sun shone warmly on the wavy black hair that sprang from his oily scalp, inducing him to raise a bony hand and scratch off yet another flake of itchy dandruff. I thought this was a fabulous character description! Something that really struck me about this character was how he compassionate and sensitive he truly is, and you depict this in his encounter with the mouse. I was surprised at his intent to catch and release it rather than kill it. I just thought it spoke volumes about the type of man he is before the reader even fully understands his sorrow.

I thought you had a very interesting approach to this story. Ultimately it is about the loss of a pet and the grief that ensues, but you delay the story through philosophical discussion and character development. All of it referencing to the loss that ties everything together in the end.

As he dispassionately munched the Luke-warm meal with the cold liquid he had forgotten to heat... Luke-warm should not be capitalized.(unless I am missing some great hidden meaning
Anand had noticed him, but made not attempt to displace the unwanted tenant. I believe you meant to say "but made no attempt...

Although I thoroughly enjoyed the philosophical musings at the beginning, it does have a rather tedious pace. I think the writing is very eloquent, but doesn't help much to hold the reader who is looking for a story. You may want to consider cutting some of it back to get to Anand's introduction a bit quicker. Some of the lines feel a bit repetitive in thought, and you could probably combine the thought into one sentence or lose one of the lines all together. Ex:After all, if a problem were simple, it would have been solved long ago. How could a question, that had been left unanswered for so long actually have such a simple answer?You could consider something to the effect of:A simple problem should have a simple answer, but this problem remains a mystery to this day.I realize I don't have the poetic ability you have shown, but this is just the idea.

Your use of language creates such a stunning visual for the reader. I love the small details...the palm curtains, the taste of the cigarette...everything you have written really feels as if it has an intent. None of the details are superfluous, and it all creates a very real story to enjoy.

I really enjoyed this piece. Again, I would suggest speeding up the beginning just a touch, but the rest is fantastic.

I like that you choose to open the first chapter of your book to a battle sequence. You dive right in to your story and draw the reader into your world.

The Mutari Captain: He's the leader of the Mutari because he he's the biggest and baddest, which helps say a lot about the type of characters they are as a whole:based on brawn not brains. However, other than the references to his size and his slobbering, there isn't much more description to him. What kind of armor does he wear? Is he furry (hence the dog references), does he smell bad? I realize he has a brief role in your overall story, but he has a rather large impact on this chapter and I think it could benefit to have a more descript character.

The Mutari Pirates: You make a great start with them: brutal, mass chaos. Many great descriptions and dialogue to mold them, but they almost get lost about halfway into the chapter and you don't really use them. You may want to look at trying to insert them a bit more again after the opening. Use them more in the battle to help the reader visualize what is really going on.

Beryl: There is a nice conflict you have set up, his exterior facade of bravery of a fearless leader, and yet he constantly has an inner monologue to suggest otherwise. I like that he isn't perfect but also has a genuine compassion for his fellow riders. I'm guessing that he is an Evergreen native because he is their leader, but I think if you make that distinction it would help set up more of a contrast between himself and Valyn.

Speaking of...Valyn: So from what I've seen, he is your main character. I think it is interesting that he seems to be more self assured and fearless than the leader of the Riders, and possibly more clever. I like that you work in his striking physical contrast to the rest of the natives to set him up as an outsider, giving him almost something to prove. In a short chapter, I really feel like I have a grasp on this character. Nicely done.

Elisa & Jaydon: I like their feisty attitudes. Jaydon has a great spirit about him, and it sets up a sense of great things to come for him. You also set up a nice relationship between the three characters in the family, clearly loving and strong bonds.

Delvar: I don't quite understand the constant reference to his size compared to Valyn. Is he unusually small, or is Valyn as an outsider much larger than the typical Evergreen residents?

You set up your setting very nicely in the first couple paragraphs. The simple dwellings, the massive ship and the references to the moonlight. Something about mentioning "green and brown the predominant colors" just sounds a little plain for description. Maybe try something like,Simple wooden dwellings, camouflaged by there natural color palate...
At the end of the chapter, I found myself asking why? I don't understand why the Mutari where there in the first place? Were they after something, was this revenge, or are they just ruthless dogs out to destroy anything they find? Without any kind of explanation, it sort of undermines all of the events you just unfolded. It's a great battle sequence and victory, all that leads to a nice transition to Valyn's homelife, but not much to drive the reader into your next chapter to find out what this was all about.

I'm certainly not a proof-reader, but I didn't notice any technical errors.

Have another read and watch where you change POV from one character to another. I found it confusing sometimes to follow who was speaking or seeing what, and I think you could easily correct this by crediting the speaker to their dialogue with a name, rather than just "he". (There's a whole bunch of "he's" in your story.)

There are several occasions when you veer off course from the storyline. In the more brief instances it's great and gives a bit of background. However, sometimes it goes on for too long and I found myself lost and had to re-read parts to understand what was happening. The part when Jaydon is looking out the window and recalls the earlier events for the reader is a bit too drawn out. (Starting at "It was the reason Jaydon was perched at his window...") There is some great info contained in this part,the character descriptions of Elisa and Valyn and a glimpse into their relationship, but I think you could work in their descriptions briefly elsewhere and give the reader a sense of their bond at the end of the chapter when Valyn comes home. I would definitely find a way to rework the line about the hangnail if you change things around. It's a small line, but awesome character development.
Another place this was distracting was when Delvar is swinging towards the ship and he starts thinking about the wind. I think shortening it to "The wind, where is it coming from?" would reiterate your earlier point. but keep the action progressing, especially since it is such a pivotal moment.

And the wheels, those huge thundering wooden wheels, mounted on axles that made noises with each revolution like an animal caught in a trap. Great description.
The flash of his fangs was only outshined by the glint of his sword....and again!
Jeraks had drawn some comparisons to alligators, but bigger with longer hind legs and smooth snake-like skin. Maybe some prehistoric creature that time forgot to erase.I really like how you reference something known to the reader to help give a visual of your imaginative creation.
It also did not include those raiders still aboard the dread ship that loomed ever closer, like a wave that would eventually break, and so would they. Great tension created with this line.
She stood in the doorway like a beautiful sentry to his own little kingdom.A nice soft contrast to the rest of the writing which helps depict his feelings for her.

Okay, I know I threw alot at you here, but it's because I really enjoyed the start you have going. I have tons of admiration for fantasy writers because it's all about creating an alternate reality for the reader and making us believe in it with you. I think you have accomplished this task very well. You introduced multiple characters in a short time to allow yourself to take this story in many different directions from here. I would just be careful about trying to do so much that you lose the reader along the way. I hope my comments help you get a fresh look at your work. Of course all of this is just my opinion, and you should keep your piece true to your intent and voice. Keep working on it and I'm sure it will turn out amazing.
Let me know how things go for you, and I'll be happy to take another look if you like!

When I first started to read, I thought this was werid just for the sake of weirdness, but as it progressed, you really appealed to my warped little sense of humor and I found myself laughing out loud.

Let's start with Bob. I like how he is the average guy, right down to his name. I think he bought into his grandfather's final words a bit quickly. There was no sense of fear or trepidation, he just went with it and put on the suit. It kind of makes him feel a bit one dimentional. Maybe a bit of an internal stuggle would help him out here a bit. After he becomes the super hero though, great stuff. You really commit him to the character.
Bill is alot of fun. I like how he is never upset or worked up about anything. His laid back demeanor, especially at the end, adds to the comedy really well. One part that didn't quite fit for me though was when he brought the eagles. It just seems out of character. How did he overcome "the power of the bacon" when he was so easily swayed before. I think you could easily fit in a short one liner of explanation at the end when the eagles fly away.

Okay, obviously the entire plot is ridiculous, but that is what makes it so fun. You never apologize for it and you keep the tone of the story throughout, never backing off. I think your reveal from Bill about the squirrel king is really great timing, otherwise I might have become bored. That paragraph of explanaition is hysterical and sets up the rest of the story for you. The pace throughout is very well done, and I didn't find it lagging ever. I continually wanted to find out what was going to happen next.