So far, so good. I like this begining, though it does seem kind of rough. You have a skill with making non-dialog non-action scenes interesting, even though there only telling about background and stuff. I found a few things you might want to look over but otherwise this looks like its coming along nicely.
You could see a lot in some of their eyes. Despair, pain, heartbreak, disappointment, rejection, and a loss of hope, but none of them looked content or happy with what they were doing, like they were forced into a life they didn’t want.--might want to seperate this into two sentences. Also the 'and' before a loss of hope is sorta uncessacary.
Little did I know that the summer before my freshman year would be my last.- a sentence like this usually implies death... is that the effect you want on the reader?
I was satisfied having my best friend, Liza, short for Elizabeth, over most every day so we could hang out.-- the fact that Liza stands for Elizabeth is unessecary info if you're going to be calling her Liza through the whole story, and you don't switch to Elizbeth.
“You like Charlie? Still! I heard he still likes you too Skank.”- comma before skank.
That was my nickname for Liza. She was my Skank and I was her Whore, and no one would ever change that.- LOL. hahaha.
“Shut up, I know what I’m doing Whore!”- commma before whore.
Her smile though was absolutely adorable, and Liza might have ruined it for a guy she claims to not like.- commas before and after though.
he was a horrible boyfriend. Everything was really black and white with him. There were no shades of gray, which was frustrating, because in my eyes the world was only shades of gray. No single bit of reasoning was ever completely perfect, unless it was considered completely perfect absurdity.- might want to explain a little more about why believing that everything is an absolute makes a person a bad boyfreind (though I understand, it took me a couple seconds to puzzle over).
To Charlie and Liza, that was sex, but I believe deep down they believe the same as I. - the comma after Liza is unecasary I think.
“I’m sorry, Skank, but he seems more your type. Believe me I’ve heard the stories of you two during homecoming last year.” I sniped back with a small grin.- comma after year instead of a period.
Great job with character development and the realistic dialog. It was enjoyable to read this, and if you write more I'd be happy to review the rest! Write on!
from the begining your voice has passion and intensity; a sort of confidence in your own story telling... A great seed for a story, I hope to see more. Your desciptive words are like pursuading voices; entincing the reader for just one more quick glance down the page. the only problem I had was this was your overuse of -ly adverbs... they are a weakness, and pointless... you're better off just leaving them out and letting the sentence speak for itself. A couple things I notticed:
If he could only break her shield, he could use the full force of his own magic, could unleash the fury that the crystal contained. this would be easier to read if you had 'he' in front of could.
Then her fingers curled around her own crystal, and the resulting surge of magic roared back at Syphis like a tornado.- for some reason the word 'tornado' seems to clash against your voice and way of story telling- it doesn't match. you might want to find another metaphor.
At best, it would be forceful enslavement; at worst, an agonizing violation, the equivalent of mental rape.- this should be 'the mental equivalent of rape.' instead I think.
Overall great job; you don't have to take my suggestions if you don't want to, they are just my opinion, this is great by itself. Keep writing!
You have extra spaces between sentences in some places and in this sentence “ I want Mama!” cried Joey.
you have an extra space before 'I' but nothing big... over all a really interesting subject, presented well and I like the dialog! One more thing; in this sentence " A couple of hours pass while they rest and the floe drifts slowly away from the larger ice field. " pass should be passed.
Good work and keep writing!!!
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