A fine poem indeed! You are a wordsmith and how can I take anything away from this. For I could never create such thoughts and make sense of them. I felt I knew instinctively the meaning behind each sentence, and yet I can not explain them at all.
The last stanza felt abrupt to me, where the rose tipped with black was pulled from its dank bed. For some reason I thought that would mean bad luck. The plucking of such a flower.
I can see no way you could improve this poem. I have to rate it five.
This was very lovely, it had good metre and the words flowed smoothly. The sentences followed each other in a way to tell the story.
I liked the sentiments and found myself sharing the emptiness of not having that special person you have met in your dreams.
The story was so enjoyable that I could have read quckly and missed these points. You may have been in a rush to post this story and not edited as they look like mistakes, and not big problems with grammar.
Medusa's Headl. = Headl
being a total bore though. = better to leave out 'though.' That word makes it sound as if you have not finished the sentence. (prepositions should not end a sentence) LOL! Seriously though, it is! See what I mean?
but this has no buttons, it was simply = has = (had)
filled with water.
The third and most important feature = sentence gap??
got it's name, was = no apostrophe in (its.)
sand he'd seen = you suddenly use a contraction.
This time however it seemed = (however,) should have a comma after it.
seemed alot more like a = a lot is clumsy and takes away from the sentence. = (Seemed more like a)
When he didn't find one = contractions again.(did not)
thrashing at the hands of bully and the = a is missing
room, he'd almost = contraction. (he had)
didn't bounce,= (did not) Contractions should not be used except in conversations, or when talking in first person.
Batting at his arms and tears streaming down his face Ivan looked up = (with) instead of 'and' Comma after face
nickle that the cieling was made = cieling = (ceiling)
Surprising how quickly it worked. = It happened surprisingly quickly
Apart from that, I liked you story very much and your style of writing. You have a good command of English and I feel possibly became carried away with the action.
I hoped the story would go on longer as your descriptions enabled me to visualise the place and it had an 'atmosphere' to it.
I look forward to reading more of your work, and hope you welcome my suggestions.
This was a story which compelled me to read. I was saddened to see that Natalie did not make it to remission and the suffering was conveyed well. Perhaps you could mention the hair lying on her pillow? I also liked the way her memory was going to be treasured. Good moral in that part.
Did God create me to die like this?” she asked. Natalie’s mother looked stricken at the thought.
“No! No! Oh, Natalie, God created you to be a light in the darkness, to show God’s love to others!”
I felt the mother did not answer her question completely. Maybe you could add that she was here for a real purpose.{/c:}
I read this last sentence several times, but it still felt clumsy.
When the teenage girls at Geneva High School looked from Natalie’s empty locker to a sad faced Melanie they pointed and whispered to each other, “There has been a death in the family.”
Just a suggestion = The sight of Natalies's empty locker caused the teenage girls at Geneva High School to whisper to each other. Although Melanie's friends were by her side, she still heard the words whispered by the other girls; "There has been a death in the family."
I feel it leaves more of a vision of sadness. This implies it happens more than when Melanie just stood by the empty locker. I realise you mentioned the 'empty locker' as it was a reminder of the lost Natalie, but for me, that seemed like a one-off, as Melanie would not be hanging around there.
I hope this has been helpful to you.
If this is biographical, I'm very sorry for your loss.
I don't know if the story had me so enthralled, or that I really found nothing much to suggest that might need changing, except for one paragraph. In it there was too much mention of David's name. To prevent this you might feel like calling the 'other' person, 'the man,' sometimes when referring to him. Then the reader would know who you were talking about.
I enjoyed the whole flow right from start to finish, although I did guess that David would end up as dinner for the strange people. It seemed gruesome she was watching and eating at the same time he was being eaten in front of her.
Considering I do not like fishing, this yarn caught me up. You described well the surroundings and events as they were happening. But, the 'uncle' needed his description building. I had no idea of how he looked, sounded, or how he interacted with the boy. Most of the time it felt as if I were there and experienced the let down of the fish getting free.
the opposite direction of mine = would read better as; to mine.
Although it is difficult as you are speaking in the first tense, the least use of 'I' would be better.
I felt the end needed a finishing touch to leave the reader with, such as;
I may not have caught one this time, but next time I'll have a net ready to land it.
Now this is difficult. What I have to say may not be a review as such, because you have written very well. Your point was valid and your writing clear and precise.
I would like to express an opinion on the contents of the written piece if I may. All you said made total sense. Drawing for the sake of it is pure pleasure. If the finished product is something the artist is happy with, that is fine, and they should not be criticised. But, sometimes they wish the drawing could be more like the object or person they were using as a model.
This is where teachers can help, but if a student is not able to use his pencil to create a 'likeness'it may be possible 'painting' might be a better pursuit. Detail is then not so important. Teachers can take away any uniqueness, so there needs to be a happy medium.
I LOVED this story. It kept my attention from the beginning right to the end, and what an end! I was not expecting the quickness of thought from Hal. I had to laugh as I imagined, (as you planned we would think) that Hal was going to get into trouble!)
Your descriptions of the stealth and the way his mouth watered, actually made me feel as if I wanted to enjoy the snack with him.
Writers have many ways of using the 'comma,' and I particularly like your usage. It helped to keep the flow of the story and I enjoyed it immensely, as short as it was. Good work!
The only thing to point out is your accidental leaving out of a 'full stop.'
I hope reviewers take note of your guidelines. They are very sensible, but may be difficult to stand by if the reviewer is writing a 'retaliation' review. I just wondered if it might be a good idea for you to include that rule?
I also wanted to say, that even though a reviewer may know all about 'conjuctions' and 'dangling participles' etc., as this will not always help a story teller. To me the 'flow' of the work, the content and the interest kept all the way through the piece is far more important.
Writers also have their own way of usage regarding the all important 'comma' and reviewers ought to try to read the sentence in the way the writer was attempting to put it over. If sentences make perfect sense on reading aloud, the commas, or lack of them does not matter. After all, schools of thought change often. The ever changing writing styles over the years, have most certainly become accepted.
Quoting too much grammatical knowledge is likely to cause a writer to 'think' too much, instead of 'feel' his writing and only serves to make the reviewer seem more educated.
Many an unpublished writer can be put off by the over-zealous nature of a reviewer. To help is to nurture and improve. Correct ways are not to change a style outside of the norm.
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