hello,
the very accurate (almost mondane) details are the best thing in this work, really getting into the cool, calculated head of jasmin, its apparant you've a lot of knowledg of what you're writing, wether it's fire kindling or fighting.
the fighting scene is funny and convincing.
yet with all those details, you did'nt describe what jasmin looks like- at the begining i didnt know if she was young or old, beutiful or ugly, if she has scars, what she is wearing.. i dont know why, but in the begining i was sure she was a veteran of at least forty years old.
i've read recently a good tip which applies to this chapter in my opinion-
don't give away too much information in a plain way, but give the reader hints. i could've got it on my own that:
"Most of the farming villages tended to be quiet and isolated, and so their young people had a tendency to catch wanderlust and leave at a fairly young age, with the army being a popular destination. Odds were these boys had decided that they were mature enough to leave the nest, and so they’d set out in search of honor and glory. And, odds were, they’d probably be back home much humbler before spring."
just descrive they are dressed like farmers, have tan skin and rough hands, and let them talk and brag the rest. let jasmin think quietly to herself that they'll be much humbler by spring.
plot transmitted through actions, or through dialog, or otherwise, is more interesting.
for example, when the lord dog and prince arrived, it was far more interesting and read much easier, as the dog told his story and jasmin responded. that dialog was funny and informative and interesting.
also, youve done a great description at the apearance of the prince and dog. including the funny fall.
thats all i can think about.. i'm not much of a writer myself, i never wrote a whole story, short or long, this is but my opinion as a reader. i hope you found my review helpful.
good luck with the book, im waiting for the next chapter..
drawerwrite.
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