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262 Public Reviews Given
291 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Earthbound  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good day sir how are you today? Sorry for the late response as life always has me tied up but i'm here for a review of Earthbound. Reading this story gave me somewhat of an insight to your life. I guess you can say its a fantasy autobiography lol. But in all seriousness, I like reading stories like these cause it presents the struggles of the person behind the stories. In this story its depicts a individual on his day to day grind until he has an existential crisis via a free spirited companion.

I like how you go about the inner workings of the bull's mind. His thoughts while doing the same tasks everyday and his infatuation with the bird that comes and goes in his life.

After some convincing, the bull finally finds his freedom and now he escapes into the same place as the bird. This is the part where I felt where the author inserts his own experience in this story. Things arn't what they seem when he leaves his barn and it quickly realizes that his freedom costs him his protection. This leads to a dynamic chase scene where it ends on a cliffhanger.

To be honest I've read this story a few days ago and I wanted to think on how I felt about it. I have a strong feeling that things aren't going to work out as well for the unlikely couple based on the direction this story is going. While I see the infatuation between the two, there is little they understand about each other. Of course this is only the first chapter so I'm just guessing at this point. Hit me up if you upload the next chapter. I'll be here to read it. Good Job

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
Best Wishes Octavious
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What's going on my man. Long time no see...or review lol. I was writing and decided to drop by and have another gander at your neat work. Ofcourse, you did not disappoint. Here, we have a paraplegic who finds himself in the hands of a mad scientist who's experimenting with theoretical physics of time travel. Awesome stuff. The constant misfortune and helplessness in the man experiences makes me feel very uncomfortable. Good stuff. I expect nothing less.

On a side note how are things? Are pursuing an career in writing? Are you releasing any new books soon if so let me know I would love to read them. Have a wonderful night.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A good friend writes a new piece of work and asks me to review it and here I am with a review of the Bowman. I remember when I first started reading your work the bowman and I still remember it to this day. Great premise good background and a little mystery to boot. Ofcourse after reading that I was eager to delve into this piece.

Now you asked me if this would work better as an info dump or not. Info dumps can work so long as the information presented is interesting. Personally, I think the standard info dump would've worked better here. You try to introduce some characters but I couldn't feel them all to well. If you are going to start your story in the classroom, work on character first. Then work your way into the world building. The world you have is interesting enough to warrant an info dump at the beginning but stick to one continent as too much will bore the reader.

Other than that, I like the ideas you're presenting. You're going for the sci-fi/fantasy bit as well eh? I can't wait to read it. I'm behind you man and keep it up. I love what you have here.
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Review of Gravedigger  
Review by Octavius
Rated: E | (5.0)
So was it a ghost? Yet another great story by Ray Scriviner. Wish there coul've been more though. Great discriptions by the way. Wish I could nail what you got going on man. Keep it up.
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I wish I had her wings...even if I don't fly very well, I would still keep trying. I love this story you are telling and I want to see it thru until the end, if my children permit lol Beautiful poem-Sali
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, there is so much conflict here. You are absolutely right! It's hard to tell who are friends, family and foes because sometimes they intermingle. When they do, things get so complicated and it can be hard to really love someone. I think I have struggled with that-with my father-at one point he was the best dad ever only to turn into the enemy that would destroy my marriage. It was so hard and I cried so many tears. That kind of thing does wear down the armor of your emotions, if you will. I really like that line. I feel like I can identify with that. Anyways, I love this story-Sali as always...lol Octavious isn't into poetry like I am rofl!
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yes, awesome verses and lines. It flows so beautifully, nice ballad-love the refrain of each rhyme. She can fly! Hooray!
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sali comments-This is a very good piece about broken trust in relationships-seems personal. I know exactly how you feel. That happened to me before I met my husband.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
WOW, HELL, GREAT. You continue to impress me with your story miss. The way opal pulled him away from the tavern was awesome. You had all his men let their guard down thinking she couldn't reach them. WRONG can't stop me from taking what i want lol. Another great chapter in your story. From one story teller to the next, I urge you to finish this tale first before straightening things out. Edit after you finish your book. And don't be discouraged by the horrible reviews other people will likely give you. You have a story here and it needs to be told. Now onto the more technical and the boring bits of this review.

I am still an armature myself so I'm only offering you what I've learned. Consider these tips.

When you decide to do your edits separate your dialogue from your narration. It makes things much easier to read. And with the exception for inner thoughts, all dialogue goes into parenthesis.

Passive voice sentences. I can't give you a definite definition but i'll show you an example in this piece.

In front of her she had a cauldron.

Just say a Cauldron sat in front of her as she stared down into the green boiling mist inside. Makes for a more impact picture.

I guess he needed it after worrying about you so much,” Paolo said looking over at the red haired elf.
“Perhaps,” he answered.

You need a scene break here.

Elwith was lost deep in sleep but Opal entered into his room, she sat on the edge of his bed she ran her slender fingers through his thick locks. “You thought you could cheat me!” she laughed and dragged her clawed fingers down his chest.

One last thing.

Being that this is a fantasy story, description would definatly help in this piece. You go through some lengths at times but adding a little more will help with the mood of your story. But don't be to broken up by that cause I can feel the dark tone oozing from your piece already. So adding more description will bring it to a whole new level.

Awesome read Keep me posted for your next chapter.

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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm glad you re-did this one as I fully understand her frustration. Living like outcasts because of something her son did all those years ago. The shop closure is an effective way to give conflict to your character.

She had decided that he would have to learn the hard way that she was just a gold digging little bitch!

Wow I felt that one lol.

Ok, here i'm just going to give you an objective view point. One question I have Mortogs supposed girlfriend. If he's honor less, why is she dating him? I know he's a skilled warrior but you say she's dating him for popularity's sake. I may be thinking it wrong but from what i'm reading Darcy and her whole family are stains on society. Ofcourse the people around them probably hate the king just as much as she does so its probably more complicated than what i'm thinking.

One more thing to consider, I haven't read the next chapter yet but based on what happens in the future in your story, I would recommend having a argument with her husband. Its a good set up for what happens later on. Or if you don't want to, you can have him killed off by the king somehow. Either way this is a good piece. Keep it up man.
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Review of Poison Chapter 4  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Raven I'm glad you're continuing with the story. As story tellers, the first priority of starting a novel is finishing it. Nothing else matters. We can fix style presentation and Grammer but you can't fix something that's not finished. I'll offer some tips to help craft your imagination.

Rysaras kept Rycon in front of me at all times.
I noticed you write this story in third person. The sentence above is first person stick to third. Probably an accident though. I loved the silence part where the elf had to write. I love this dark queen of yours. Good job. It has flaws mind you, but you kept me engaged all the way through. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. Oh and please email me back when you get another chapter up so I can give you a speedy response.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You're too tall my man lol. I see you've been sprucing up your portfolio. Aiming high I see. I'm with ya man keep up the good work.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ok, pro tip whenever you switch scenes always use ### between your paragraphs that way you can let the reader know you are switching scenes. For example:

She's still here!" he exclaimed dismounting his horse. "Rykon move!" he yelled, a diseased horde consisting of a few boars, forest deer and wolves came charging at the two, the wolves tore Rykon from his horse and the boars and forest deer circled Rysaras splitting him up fromhis brother, Rykon was on the ground and a wolf on his chest.

###

Paolo had mixed serums and potions to help Elwith but still the captain suffered, the infection had got worse, half the length of his knee length hair was almost black. His eyes had dulled and his veins had turned an even darker shade of black, he was unconscious most of the time. That was when Paolo decided to call upon his paladin powers, he crossed oer his legs, rested his hands on his knees and began to meditate calling upon the light. "I won't lose you captain." He said, his whole being began to light up and his hair began to blow in a gentle breeze, and his hands began to glow.

Rysaras stood in the middle of the woods his sword stabbed into the dirt, he was panting and his limbs were shaking, he was covered in blood from head to toe, his gaze was on the ground, Rykon lay not far from him, he too covered in blood, bite marks lined his chest, arms and legs. Rysaras soon found his strength and lifted his head. "Brother are you still there?" he asked.

###

There are a few errors i noticed as well so a good edit will sort them out. Above all, this is great I enjoyed this. Cool parts, Opal turns the horses to skeletons and just takes them away from the elves like a boss. I can see her sitting on a tree stump making that happen.

You seem like a story teller and as a story teller, i like for you to take a look at some of my work. You may find something you might. Being that your into heavy fantasy, I reccomend Verse of Estoria edited by Dragon blue or you can just read the unedited version. Personally I feel that your story is a lot stronger than mine so some honest feedback would be nice. If not I won't be offended as I really love what you did here.

If you have more, PLEASE UPLOAD IT SO I CAN READ IT. I'll read it even with its flaws cause the story is that good to me.

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Awesome! I enjoy reading your work. So opal visits our main character and marks him in a dream or is it? She seems like a very alluring and scary woman. At least thats what I think. I'm guessing she's a queen dark elf. This particular segment, I didn't notice any problems as far as show and tell are concerned but don't take my word for it i'm not the expert here. Consider me your beta reader i'm digging this. The five stars are for story telling.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello sir. Octavious here with a review although i don't have much of one. Just commenting on this piece lol. You know I've been wanting to do something similar to this cause its been floating around my head. I like the interation between the woman and the narrator but i wouldn't have given in that easily. Can you give me a man? Sure I'll give you a man, if you can make it accross the street into the next building. Thanks you sir for giving me the inspiration for my comedy.
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Review of Fears of a Newbie  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Just be yourself and have fun. It's how I write my stories the themes will come as you progress. Of course I'm a discovery writer so take what I say with a grain of salt.
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Review of Hey Gary  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Octavius here for a review. I'm no expert but I had a decent time reading this. Two boy's curiosity leads them to a haunted house where they run into ax murderer.

One thing I want to point out is the explanation points. You don't need them in the narration just in dialogue.

Being that this is a short story, what was your purpose in writing this?

Good Job.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello man long time no see. I was browsing the website for something to read and I remembered your work. And here I am lol.

Here in this chapter you present a man who's long forgotten state leads him to a path of pity and dispair. He is join by the two sprits of Christmas reflecting on what happened.

This hit home for me as an adult now. Back then Christmas was special. Now it's just a another day in the year.

Although I feel you on this piece, I don't think every kid in on the naughty list. I think the degredation of Christmas is happening in here in the U.S but that's just my opinion.

As always good writing man. Hope your doing well.

Keep writing.
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Review of In my head!  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lol. Ok you won me over. Cute, honest and all over the place. 5 stars. Keep writing.
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Review of Sacred Rite  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Octavius here with a review.

Awesome. Cult premise is real creepy and I like how you left out certain details like why are the voting on females only? The last part sent chills down my spine. Who or what the hell was that. Great Job.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Octavius here for a review.

First let's get the issues out the way. And it's a small issue. The discription was hard to follow for me but it's probably my lack of imagination so don't take my word for it.

Other than that, great start. I liked how you present the M.Cs problem. There's plenty of mystery here as well Reading was very enjoyable despite the length so good for you on that one. This is a readable story so I'm sure others will want to read on. Good Job
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello this is Octavius here for a review. Although this piece is short, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I noticed you used futuristic words to describe someone's mental state which is an awesome idea. I'm wondering if you finished this story cause I would love to read more. If not I'll just crawl back into my hole in dispair. Just kidding Lol. I'll look through more of your work cause I'm sure there's other stories that needs to be read. Great Job
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello this is Octavius here to review your work. So we have a few strangers discussing a mission of some sort.

First let me say that this is the first sci-fi piece I've read so I'm expecting something grand. You deliver with the introduction when you say elevator overlooking a picture pops into my mind.

However it was hard to imagine your vision with the description. You tried to describe a very complex aspect in your world and it didn't seem clear to me. Describe the futuristic city buildings, busy highways filled with hover cars outfited with various neon lights or something. It's way easier for the reader to picture.

Next is characters being that this piece is short, there wasn't enough paragraphs or story for them to develop. I don't know who they are or what their jobs are or why they are on this mission. Aim between 3000 to 4000 words to explain everything. That goes for the mission they are embarking on as well. I don't have much experience but if you work this a little more then I'll give it another read.

Best Wishes
Octavious
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Now after reading this, I wonder if you and Dragon blue are connected somehow..why is Merlin showing this lady or you visions of dragonblue? What is the story being told? Mysterious. Awaiting explanation lol thanks
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I have a few questions...Can Dragonblue transform into a woman at will or is the woman watching the Dragon from her magic mirror? And why does dragon blue feel so bad about defending herself? I like the prose and ballad form you have chosen to tell the story. It gets a little tricky for me, I am no poet. lol
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