WOW! What a refreshing read . I have been thinking for weeks what I should write about for Dreams's "Invalid Item" contest. I've been working on a piece on morality, but after reading animatqua's excellent piece I thought I might do a kind of a response to some of the points she raised. And, as I always do, I was thinking what to call it..yeah I mane the piece befor I write it ..and then I saw the very same name on the plug page!!! I promise..it's true..a great name ..and a great piece. I couldn't have said it better myself...and I'm a Muslim.
I had a few suggestions for improvements...
He then fled Medina...fled to
1) profession of faith only to Allah; 2) praying five times a day facing the holy city of Mecca; 3) zakat, which is giving alms to the poor and the mosques; 4) fasting in daylight during the month of Ramadan; and 5) a pilgrimage to Mecca in one’s lifetime, if ever possible....put these points on separate lines.
During that time, Muslims used the force of weapons to conquer nations (as to build an empire) and attract non-Muslims./...As far as I am aware, there were never actually any offensive wars in the Prophet's lifetime. The prophet Muhammad taught people Islam by his example. Through Islam we are taught that there is no complusion in religion, but there were wars, Muslims believe in the right to defend themselves, and in the right to have freedom from oppression, this is where the concept of a 'holy war' comes in. Muslims are rewarded for fighting and dying for the sake of Allah i.e. for protecting themselves and fighting to free the opressed.
This must have taken lots of research and thought. I really appreciate the fact that you did this, it is a huge gift to all Muslims and Non-muslims alike...all the best with the contest!
This is a very creative piece. It must have taken a lot of time to write this. It's a really interesting story, even though I'm not really a fantasy fan.
I didn't see any typos, but here are some improvements...
Bentl tried to think of other things to keep the hurt from becoming unbearable.
Bentl carefully looked around....He looked around
Using sight, smell and a genetically programmed survival sense, Bentl formed a mental picture of the hunters and fixed their location in his mind...the 'genetically programmed' bit doesn't sound quite right.
Thousands of years of evolution had taught wild animals many things. One thing it taught was the ability to recognize offspring by scent...I can see what you're trying to do, but this bit's just too technical compared to the rest of the piece.
I didn't quite understand what happened at the end. What happened to the unicorn's grave?
Awwww...This is so sweet . I really hope that when I get married I have half of the happiness that you have had with your wife. So, what's your secret. I'm really intrigued, these days sadly marriages just don't last.
I would suggest that you remove the italics and change the colour to something more softer, perhaps purple..I know red is the colour of love..but It always reminds me of blood when it's used in blocks...sorry!
A lovely piece.
Regards
(I hope my sig works..Moira made it for me..it's the first time I'm using it )
Well, not the most cheeriest nine to five
I liked the power of this piece, it's very direst and to the point. You don't distract the reader with unnecessary detail.
I'm not a fan of such bleak pieces though, and this piece in particular seemed rather fake. Ok, so some of those things might have happened, but all of the? I would personally highlight a few problems and maybe focuss a little on how he feels about them.
What were the pills..asprin? If it's supposed to signify an overdose I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy for your guy..are you trying to make the reader sympathetic?
Hope the points help.
Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
Check out
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #598543 by Not Available.
This item was reviewed on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I've got to say, this is a really bizarre piece of writing. I've never read or watched the lord of the rings, maybe that's why I'm so confused . I like the writing style, and especially the creativity seen in this piece. I'm afraid I can't really give you more feedback than that. Fantasy isn't really my favourite genre..and no offense, but this isn't really my type of humour...sorry!
Just one improvement...
“Are you scared?” the man said...the man asked.
I had a quick glance at your port. How old are your kids? I'm sure they love these types of stories. Are they your biggest fans?
Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
This item was reviewed on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
This is a really good story..very bizare! It is really cleverly written, but perhaps a bit too clever for some . I found it all a bit confusing at the beginning. What happened after the clock started working? Was Brad dead or alive?
Some other improvements...
Arraignment was quick...Arrangement
It was stopped...It had stopped?
Also, can I suggest that you have the authors' note at the start, I always prefer to read it first.
I do love the descriptions in this piece....like 'The floor was cold on her bare feet. She felt a draft from the window.'..I can FEEL the cold!
Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
This is a great piece of writing...I really enjoyed it:). You write really well, and the message really touched me. I'm drowning in uni work at the moment, so the thought that this will all be over is (although not quite believable) reassuring:)
changing beauty of God’s world around me, oft times inspires me.."oft imes" is that a typo??
Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
Why not check out
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #598543 by Not Available.
This item was reviewed on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
This is a really interesting piece of writing. Before I opened this up, I expected it to be quite a conventional poem about the events, but you did something really interesting with the topic. I thought the opening was especially effective, dates have been described throughout history in this way.
What did you mean when you wrote'from the sun of eighty-six ', was there another accident in space in that year?
Also, what were you trying to convey when you wrote 'bury bitter beak in white wing'?
It's a really creative piece of writing. This is obviously a topic that touched your heart.
Regards,
Farhana
This is a really touching, sad and moving piece of writing. Are you still feeling this way, or was this just how you felt at that time? You express yourself very well, and the reader can easily relate to you and empathise with your feelings. I don't agree with suicide, but I understand that depression is real, as is lonliness..sadly:(
Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
P.S.
If you'd like me to review any other work, why not post in "Invalid Item" ?
I like this piece, it's a bit all over the place, but that gives it character.:) You express your feelings very well, and I can certainly relate. I especially liked the lines 'Under a swirling black canopy of eternity
Sparkling with millions of brilliant white stars,'...I am sucker for stars:) Just tonight I was gazing up at them. I always look out for my three in a row ( I can never remember the name). But anyway, It's a great piece.
Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
P.S.
If you'd like anything else to be reviewed, why not post in {item:59853)?
This item was reviewed on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I had to read this twice to be able to understand it..I don't know if it is really confusing, OR if I'm still suffering from the flu:)
Anyway, a nice piece. I like the topics you write about, they're so true to life, whilst also being positive and happy!
I like the way you repeated the line 'How can she be this way!' you might consider having it on a separate line to create more of an effect.
Also, who is talking on the phone? It's not entirely clear.
Regards,
Farhana
This item was reviewed on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
Ahh..That is soooo sweet!:) I loved this piece too. It's beautifully described, so the reader can really feel the warmth and happiness of the relationship. I can really imagine myself to be there, LISTENING to the laughter, FEELING the cool sheets etc!
Only one minor complaint. I'm not an expert on poetry, so feel free to ignore my opinion on this...But, is this really poetry? I think it could be lengthened and would be a great story. That's the reason for the low rating, apart from that though, a great read!
Regards,
Farhana
This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
This is a great little poem, a nice piece of writing! Is this written from your experience of the place. I think it's always nice to know if it is biographical, I like to know that anyway.:)
Some suggestions for improvements....
I think the line 'as if to urge me to linger with them' would sound better if it was phrased, 'as if urging me to linger with them'
I loved the lines...
'I wake and dress still bathed in darkness'
'And I know again in a changing world that
some things never will, and I smile.'
But, I think the word 'dress' detracts from the impact of waking in darkness. It's too mundane a task to be associated with the magical nature of being surrounded by darkness.
Also I would personally not include the words 'I smile'...I think the sentence has more of an impact without them. The reader can already tell that u find this a pleasing thought.
A great piece of writing though..Keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
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. I have been thinking for weeks what I should write about for Dreams's "
..and then I saw the very same name on the plug page!!! I promise..it's true..a great name 
..and a great piece. I couldn't have said it better myself...and I'm a Muslim.
