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101 Public Reviews Given
236 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to find something that is good and something that can be improved in everything I read. I'd like to do more reviews in order to learn and enhance my own writing skills, so you can trust that I will give it my best effort. If you have any specific concerns about your writing, please let me know and I will try to address them. Also, please let me know if you have any preferences as to a public versus a private review. Recently, I've been too busy to complete reviews with the given time constraints. However, if you have something you'd like me to look at, feel free to email me with the subject line 'zz please review' and I will get back to you when I get a chance. (The z's allow me to sort my email alphabetically and easily find your message). Good luck, fellow writers!
I'm good at...
I like to narrow in on a few aspects of a piece and examine them in detail. I've been guilty of losing perspective on an overall story arch though; a skill I'm trying to improve. To get a realistic look at my strengths and weaknesses, I suggest you read a couple of my previous reviews before submitting a request.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi and fantasy are my favorites, but I'll read just about anything.
Least Favorite Genres
Religious
Public Reviews
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26
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Tab
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I saw the prompt for this but had no idea what I would write for it. That said, I think you did an excellent job of constructing a legitimately interesting story around the "doubles ping-pong" prompt. Using the classic 'play within a play' approach was perfect. Telling the story through Heidi's relaying it to her friends was a wonderful strategy because it allowed you to show your readers a little bit about Heidi's personality and attitude toward the whole date. It also just made it that much more dramatic.

This was impressive work for such a tricky prompt and it was surprisingly polished for the limited time you had to write it. I also really like the way you end it-- showing Heidi to be both kind and adventurous.

I have a couple of minor suggestions:
'Heidi put her closed her menu and put it on the table' Looks like you couldn't decide between 'put her' and 'closed her'. Sentence also needs period.

Instead of having Heidi describe the bruise on her leg, maybe you should have her show it to her friends the way she did with her elbow. This is just a suggestion of course, and not a big deal since your story is so great as-is. You could use their reactions of disgust and horror to emphasize its severity. Besides, if it was myfriend, I would definitely request to see the bruise the size of a baseball!

That's all I have to say. You did a wonderful job here. Thanks for sharing!

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#1300305 by Maryann
27
27
Review of My Normal  
Review by Tab
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Its interesting how you use a fairly straight-forward description of the experience with a sort of stream-of-consciousness approach. I like that you tell us right away what its about- anxiety- and spend the rest of the poem telling us how this as affected your life. I love the last line, which hints at the age old question of 'what is normal?'. Instead of asking it though, you tell us plainly- this is it! 'Say hello to my normal.' Very dramatic- I love it.

I do have one question about this quote: "You're going to pass out...". Is this something that someone is saying for you, or is this a thought you are having yourself? If its your own thought, perhaps italics would be more fitting. Your decision of course; that's the beauty of artistic license.

Overall, this was a great read. I think I relate to it a little too much, so thank you for sharing. It also looks like you're new here, so thank you for sharing!

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#1300305 by Maryann
28
28
Review by Tab
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting topic, and one that really needs to be talked about. This is an important issue. I particularly like that you mentioned Sheriff Grady Judd's reaction as an unconstitutional one. You touch on the larger societal issue of freedom versus safety. However, I feel that you could tie back this into your topic a little better if you tell us what happened to the Sheriff, and what happened to the bullies. In other words, if the Sheriff's actions weren't legal, than was he successful in carrying out the punishment he intended?

In the first paragraph, you ask why cyber bullying happens. Because of this set-up, I expect you to immediately go into some theories about the reasons behind cyber-bullying, but instead you provide us with a specific example of someone who was cyber bullied. In order to tie in your original question, you could tell us about who the cyber bullies were (for example, were they other twelve year olds, or were they adults?). Knowing who these bullies are could help up understand their motivations, as well as give us an idea of how to deal with them. For example, if the bullies are a bunch of insecure teens, the implications are very different than if they are forty-year-old adults.

Also, I believe that if you want to be super politically correct, the correct term is 'death by suicide' rather than 'committing suicide'. I know its a rather ungainly phrase, but if ever there is a place for sensitivity, its in an article like this one. Just a thought.

Take a look at this sentence: 'But, even though it might seem those girls were let off easy, but the sheriff's act of arresting the girls was an emotional reaction.' Here you use three conjunctions ('but', 'but', and 'even though'), so you might want to whittle it down to one so its grammatically correct and easier to read. If you go with 'even though', may I also suggest you use 'although' instead? Its just a little more formal.

Your breakdown of the different types of cyber bullies was good, and I appreciate your acknowledgement of the fact that there are more types than just the ones you listed. I would personally like to see more detail here (once again talking about the reasons for the bullies' behavior. I don't know if you have a word limit though.

You ended the article with a statement that you want to make a difference. If this article is intended to make that contribution, then you might want to come up with some specific suggestions. Just spit-balling here, but maybe there are some ways parents can talk to their kids about cyber bullies, how to not be affected by them and why to not become one of them? Even sharing more specific examples of the kinds of tricks adult predators use could be helpful, so that people know when to be suspicious.

I is that cyber-bullies themselves are unlikely to read this article (this is called selection bias), which is unfortunate, because they most need to know the consequences of their cruel behavior. I think your best bet for this particular article is to assume your primary audience will be potential victims and friends/families of potential victims. Might want to keep that in mind as you edit; ask yourself what that particular audience need to know.

Overall, this was a good read and, as I said, a very important subject. Thank you so much for sharing!

{image:#1578663}
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Review by Tab
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this! It's a glimpse into a possible future- one in which conditioning is efficient and common-place. The fact that you manage to communicate this so effectively in such a minimalistic fashion is wonderful!

I couldn't help but wonder what an O.C. machine looks like. The only thing we know is that it causes pain. The fact that you didn't describe it at all leaves so much to the imagination. More importantly, it shows that what matters is that it exists and that this society (not unlike our own) is willing to use it.

I had to re-read this to figure out exactly what was going on. Having to do so, for the O.C., is a good thing because it means your story made me think. On the other hand, this part threw me in a less positive way: 'His mother sat back and smiled.' Not only was I surprised to find the mother there, but I had a hard time visualizing it. Was she in the room with him? Was she somewhere else, spying on him remotely? Really that is the only thing that bothered me about the story.

Overall, it was a fun, quick read, and a super-intercession direction to go with the prompt. Nice work!

Power Review
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Review by Tab
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Intriguing story. I particular like that you managed to unapologetically mimic A Christmas Story and still leave a lot unknown. In other words, even though it is based on an already well known piece of literature, it is not predictable to the point of being uninteresting. In fact, this paragraph 'Slearch’s death was indisputable based on...' creates as many questions as it answers. For me, this was where I got hooked.

Scourge was a well-developed character. I enjoyed the commentary on business on Christmas day. The way you describe it, Scourge resents the holiday without a hint of amusement or irony. This approach somehow makes the whole thing more wry and poignant for your the readers. Well done. Scourge's alarm and disbelief at the appearance of Search's ghost is also good. His reaction is believable and works well for his character. Great work there.

I also enjoyed the modernization of the story. The strangely behaving cell phone was an especially nice touch.

I really only have a few suggestions for this. I hope you find them helpful.

As a narrator you directly address your audience ('And so, dear reader'). As far as I can tell, this is the only time you do so, which is stylistic inconsistent and, in my opinion, a little jarring. My suggestion is that you should eliminate that line altogether. I think it pulls us out of the actual setting a little too much. However, if you really want to address the reader, than I suggest you do it earlier (as soon as you possibly can) to set that tone right away.

The order in which events unfold are a little unclear, mostly because of the changes in tense. You switch tenses multiple times. It makes sense to describe Search's death in the pest tense- that part is fine. However, if you compare this sentence : '“Is this Slearch?” the caller asked.' with this one: 'At last, Scourge arrives home...'. you can see that the phone call is in the past (but seems to take place after Search's death?) and then Scourge's arrival home is in the present. You even switch tenses in the same sentence at one point 'As he shouted, he shook his chains; and the rattle is only drown...'. To make it less confusing, I suggest that you just write everything except Slearch's death in the present tense. I think that would make everything a little easier to read, with the added benefit of making his death stand out on account of being in a different tense. This might be a little tedious to edit, since you pretty much have to go line-by-line, but it would be well worth it. If I am being unclear or I misinterpreted something here, feel free to let me know and I will be happy to work with you on it.

You might want to examine the phone call at the beginning of the story. Is it there just to share Search's backstory and to introduce us to the whole business? These are excellent reasons, but I was still expecting more to come of that conversation. Either that or offer the readers some closure (show Scourge closing the deal or hanging up the phone) so that we know that the caller is not part of the main story line. Honestly, this is a pretty trivial detail, but I think that doing something with the caller could streamline the plot a little. Just a thought.

My last suggestion is that you adjust your title. It is a little cumbersome.... perhaps you want to eliminate 'and the enterprise' altogether? Obviously this is a matter of taste, but I tend to prefer short titles. The readers can discover 'the enterprise' for themselves. I suggest that you play with your title a little and try to come up with something that captures the basic essence of this story in as few words as possible.

I found no spelling or grammar errors whatsoever. Impressive.

Overall, I think this is an interesting story and a fun read. I hope to see more. And I hope you found this helpful. If you have any questions or commentary, feel free to let me know.
31
31
Review of A Dreadful Day  
Review by Tab
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
In this, you capture a mood with satisfying conciseness. There is a lot to be said for making every word count.

I found more inspiration in this poem when I went back and read your description. Then it clicked; the weather matching your mood somehow makes everything a little more manageable. I personally would find it more interesting if that message made it into the actual poem.

Obviously, you can use a certain amount of creative license when it comes to punctuation in poetry. However, I'd like to make a few suggestions to make it an easier read.

You don't need the first comma. I'd get rid of the first comma. You don't need it. Then I'd end the second line with either a period or semi colon, since the first two lines complete a sentence (personally, I think a semi colon would be be perfect in this context). Since the last few lines list a bunch of verb phrases, I would put a colon after crying. Ending with a period is perfect. If you keep that the only period in the poem, it makes the whole powerful. It might not be grammatically perfect, but, in my opinion, it works for this poem. So, in sum, here is how my suggestion would look:

Today is a
Gloomy, dreadful day;
Rain beating down,
The sky looks
Like it’s crying:
A melancholy sound,
Thumping my roof,
Forcing my thoughts,
To become new.

Your lack of exact rhymes works well for this. The similarity of 'sound' and 'down' offers some cohesion without being boring. In this sense, you did quite well.

Thank you for sharing. Good work, and welcome to WDC!
32
32
Review of Wolf Dreams  
Review by Tab
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a beautiful image- a sort of feminist call of the wild. You use an interesting mix of subtle and not-so-subtle. You created something very poignant here, with terms like "she wolf" and "pregnant moon", there is no doubt in the readers mind that this is intended to be slightly subversive.

The dream of escaping civilization and running wild, for me, has more ambiguous implications. It could be a story of escapism (running away from a male-dominated society?) or a story of empowerment (running into a world where you are respected and powerful).

The fact that they are dreams adds a whole layer in itself. Very, very enjoyable work.

The only thing I would do different would be to use periods instead of commas on the first two lines of the last stanza, so you would have:

I am the she wolf.
I am the alpha female.
I am Wolf Singer,
howling at the pregnant moon.

I only suggest this so that the last stanza is a little more powerful. That's my personal preference, however and it stands as it is just fine. Its a matter of personal taste.

Anyway, thank you for sharing this. It left me feeling empowered and hopeful. There isn't very much that has that effect on me.
33
33
Review by Tab
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Okay, I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be. Just take heart in that I wouldn't bother if I didn't like the story!

The idea of getting completely swept from your normal life and dropped into a fantasy world is one that any enthusiastic fantasy reader can appreciate (and perhaps secretly longs for). Yet, if it were to actually happen to any one of us, we would be really, really, freaked out. You did a wonderful job of showing us this situation, and Anna's reaction is a very reasonable one.

I can see you have the beginning of something amazing here.This could really end up being an exciting, epic, sweep-you-off-your-feet sort of tale. Nice set-up.

As a reader, I would like to learn a little more about the mechanism that enabled her to slip into this world. I assume that you are intending to reveal more later on, which is a good way of keeping your readers interested.
I think that sometimes authors create pretenses to keep information from their readers for so long that it becomes hard to believe after a while. You've approached that line but, in my opinion, haven't crossed it yet. Which is perfect. That's exactly what you want to do.

Okay, I'm going to go into some detail now. Let us look at your wording and style. I hope this doesn't come across as too brutal; I'm just trying to be very thorough. I use lots of specific example so please bear with me.

Your wording here is a little clumsy: 'I also missed being out in the sun I contemplated as I walked across a concrete bridge connecting the two halves of the city.' There are too many disconnected thoughts in one sentence here. It might help to provide us with a clear starting point like this: 'As I crossed the bridge that connected the two halves of the city...' That way we at least know what is going on outside of your narrator's mind. You could end it like this: 'I contemplated how much I missed the sun.' Just a suggestion. There are a million ways you could re-word this; just experiment and find what works for you.

Be careful not to over-use the passive voice. Here, '...before I could start to move he had my...' you could say 'before I could move'. This way the message would be the same, but more cleanly written.

Your wording could also be a little more efficient: 'they also produced small swords or similar weapons'. Here's an alternative: 'they produced their own weapons'. For the sake of this fast-paced action scene, the fact that they have weapons is all we really need to know. Here is another situation in which you don't want to over-explain: '...said something in a language I didn't understand and didn't recognize.' If you simply say 'in a language I didn't recognize.' and leave it at that, the readers can easily conclude that your narrator also did not understand the language.

'They were dressed strangely in a type of clothes I had never seen, they reminded me of some type of period clothes more than anything and were far from what I would call clean.' I suggest you simplify this a little as well. Here's how I would do it: 'They were dressed in strange, filthy, period clothes.' For her to say she had never seen them before would be immediately contradicted by her recognizing them as period clothes, so that doesn't work very well. Alternatively, if you wanted to be funny and to continue her denial of her whereabouts, she could just say that they were dressed for a Renaissance fair. There are a lot of things you could do with this- I suggest you play around with it a little.

Here is my final example of something that needs more efficient communication: 'I had a moment to think they were driving rather fast before I was throwing myself off the bridge and into the frozen river to keep from being crushed by the swerving car' Here, I'd put a period after 'crushed' and leave it at that. We know by context that it is a swerving car.

Okay, lets take a look here: 'My ruminations where cut short when I looked' You probably want to start a new paragraph here, as this sentence brings us back to the present.

Also, if you take a quick look at this sentence, you can see that it is a little confusing: 'Finally deciding that I couldn't sit there forever even if I wasn't going to freeze to death, odd that it felt so much warmer or I was so cold I just didn't feel it anymore?' Because it starts with a statement about making a decision, the readers will expect it to end with a statement about what that decision is (getting up and walking). Anna's thoughts about her own well-being (including the second half of this sentence) should probably be in the previous paragraph, since they don't really follow the introductory statement.

When she is drowning, your description is somewhat clinical. My personal preference is that I would like to see a little more of the panic one would actually feel in this situation-- I want to see that every other worry is wiped from the character's mind as she fights for her life. You do an excellent job of this in other places, such as when she realizes that she has left Earth. You just might want to apply the same skills when describing the near-drowning incident. This is a personal taste thing, however, so you could leave that part as-is and it would be perfectly fine.

Now for some of the really grueling stuff: grammar and spelling. I looked pretty hard for errors, but that's no promise that I found all of them. I made a list of what I did find:

These sentences should end with a question mark:
'And how was I going to explain that to my professors tomorrow.'
'hard as I had been trying to save myself in the last hour wouldn't that have sucked'
'"How can I understand and speak a language that I've never heard before."'

Here are some spelling mistakes:
' Two things suddenly stuck me as odd.' I think you meant 'struck', not 'stuck'.
'...it was like my lunges were...' I believe you meant 'lungs' not 'lunges'.
'...other thank ask him directly' should be 'than' instead of 'thank'.

Grammar:
'I gasp and started to scrabble...' This is past tense; gasp should be gasped.
'...and resurface in another world.' Past tense again. Should be 'resurfaced' instead of 'resurface'.
'...didn't stop my head long flight.' I think that if you add a hyphen ('head-long'), this will be easier to read. It is a stylistic preference though.
'I glad that the clothes...' you want to say I'm glad.
'You were physical drained...' should be an adverb-- 'physically'.
'...with the odd snowman standing sentry in people's front yards.' I assume you intended this to be plural, eg 'snowmen' instead of 'snowman'.

Those are all critiques I have.

This chapter has a lot of strengths, especially in the story-line (which is where it matters the most). I particularly love the image of Anna diving into the river just to stay alive- only to end up in a whole different world! Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire. Very shocking for her!

You expertly showed us her disorientation after this transition. The way she continued to rationalize what was happening (assuming she had drifted downriver, away from the concrete bridge, and so on) was a nice touch.

Ryln wonderful. Because you show us that he is both powerful and gentle, he is an immediately likable character. It helps your readers (and Anna) find their footing when you introduce Ryln. I hope you develop him further, since there is so much potential there.

Overall, this was a wonderful start. It could very easily grow into something epic. Good luck, and thanks for sharing!
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Review by Tab
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall, an excellent story. It draws on ideas that have been around in sci-fi for some time, ranging from Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (and thus Blade Runner) to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. However, as far as I can tell, the execution of these ideas in this particular story is unique. For readers who can get past a few errors and some clumsy wording, this is definitely a worthwhile read.

So, let's look at what needs to be done to really make this thing shine!

I'll start with the very first paragraph: "'You are not even listening to me.' It was my wife. She was looking at me irritatedly. 'As if you were living in another world."' Because the wife is speaking in the present-tense, she needs to say "As if you are", not "were".

You have a few rambling sentences. I'll pick out a few examples and you can use those to figure out what I mean.

First, this sentence, "Even at that time..." is a bit of a run-on. I suggest that you put a period after "books" and omit the bit about being old-fashioned (you have already provided enough information for us to infer that already). Then you could start the next sentence with "I liked the smell of those books...". I think everything would be a little more clear and concise that way.

Here's another one: "She wore a short white dress..." Although it's not too long from a word-count standpoint, it is rambly and clumsy. You could get all the same information across with something like "She wore short white dress and a photogenic smile." I suggest you experiment with this a bit to find something that is more clear, but still in your voice. If you use a preposition to describe her though, you need to say she is "in" the photo, not "on" it.

Finally take a look at this sentence: "On the next picture we were both smiling at the camera with two huge cups of ice cocktails in front of us." Again, "in", not "on". More importantly, look at the number of extraneous details you have in here. "At the camera" is a given. If they are visibly smiling, we can assume that it is at the camera. You don't need to say "cups of". You can cut that and say "two huge ice cocktails" and no meaning is lost. Same goes with "in front of us." Your readers can assume that they are in front of you- and will do so unless you state otherwise. So here is your new, honed-down sentence: "In the next picture were smiling with two huge ice cocktails." Of course, there is a lot of room to change this so its in your own voice. Just remember that your readers are more likely to stay with you if they don't get lost. Review your work for clarity so that your primary meaning doesn't get lost in meandering sentances.

You should probably pay second to last paragraph special attention. I think it has some really good ideas that get lost in the wording. Just re-read it a few times for clarity- especially this sentence "Probably I should have..." Because this is such an important paragraph, you really want it polished.

Here's a small error: "...standing there for a while watching the see and..." Wrong "see". Should be "sea".

Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about the plot. (For anyone else reading this review- beware of spoilers). When I first looked at this, I was not expecting the title to be so literal. For some reason I was expecting something a little more symbolic- but I found the fact that you were actually talking about someone else's memories a pleasant surprise.

Unfortunately, I suspected that Anna was the wife pretty early on. I won't say that every reader was will see this twist (I was reading very slowly, after all, which gave me time to think about it), so you might want to specifically ask your other reviewers if they think the ending is predictable. I certainly don't think it is obvious, but I still managed to accurately guess the ending.

I like that Anna came back after the memories were removed. This opens the door for so many questions- like whether she even loved Thomas and could only love Harry after Thomas's memories were gone. However, this being the case, you should make sure Harry's recollection of her fits the overall plot. If we examine their first meeting, we read things like "Although I could not see her face I recognized her immediately." This is something that Harry could only know if he remembered it- which leaves us wondering if all memories of her were removed, or just the ones of her that Thomas had. From this example, it would seem that only Thomas's memories were removed. Yet, later, when Anna walks into the cafe and introduces herself as if for the first time, it seems that all memories of her were gone (and vice versa, a point I'll get to in a second). So, pick one- all memories of Anna or just Thomas's memories- and stick to it.

If you remove all memories of Anna, you would have to narrate in a style that makes it sound like your character's knowledge of her was gathered from other people (such as the waitress). Does this make sense? I would be glad to explain with more specifics if you'd like.

Back to my comment about Anna's memories. Did she somehow have Thomas or Harry's memories removed as well? If not, why would she introduce herself like that? You'd think she'd just walk into the cafe and recognize Harry, even though he would not recognize her.

One last comment. I'm almost done, I promise. As a reader, I would find it helpful to know why memories are being sold in the first place. What is their value? I immediately assumed that people want to buy the knowledge and skills so that they can achieve more in life...but perhaps not? I think this is an important part of world-building that you could explain in just one short sentence, somewhere in the first half of your story.

As I said, this was a delightful read. I'm sorry if I flooded you with commentary- it was quite a satisfying story. Even knowing how it was going to end, I enjoyed it. You are not lacking in creative ideas, so once you get the technical stuff worked out I think you have the potential to be an absolutely superb writer.

Once again, I'm sorry for neglecting your review request. I hope this helps. Thanks sharing!
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Review of Rubik's Cube  
Review by Tab
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
The many questions are great and you have nothing to apologize for! I like knowing exactly what an author is looking for in a review. I will attempt to address your concerns. And I'm sorry in advance if I go overboard.

Taking a look at the first few paragraphs- do I feel a whole lot of tension? No. I never do with a character I don't know yet. But I do start taking an interest in what's going on right about here: 'I look about in the thick mass of humanity and can't find her.' In my opinion, that is more than sufficient. It is also my opinion, however, that having a "hook" in a story is slightly overrated; some of the best fiction of all time starts out slow. So I am clearly biased on this point.

There are a few typos, which might make your story harder to get into. Typos seem to interfere with what would otherwise be a good first impression. I'll go into those after I address your main questions.

Your dialog between characters is pretty good. You use the dialog to provide a little bit of background on Julie and the narrator without it seeming unnatural. This can be a challenging thing to do, so nice work there. Take a look at the dialog between the narrator and his mother, particularly when he is trying convince her to share the rant. Here, I feel she over-explains herself in each reply to his inquiries. I think that she would come across as more disturbed and angry if she had only one response each time. This should make a little more sense if we look at some examples:

'There's nothing to know. It's only a poem. It doesn't even rhyme.'

Here, I feel that she can say, 'Its only a poem.' or 'It doesn't even rhyme,' but not both at once. I feel that my statement is especially true here:

'It isn't real. You didn't die!'

If she is truly trying to tell the narrator that it isn't real she shouldn't immediately invalidate it basically saying 'it wouldn't work in this instance because you didn't die', because that implies that it is otherwise valid. This would be a good presentation if you want to show her to be a little fickle, but with a sentence like 'fire burns in my mom's eyes,' I get the feeling you want her to be upset, but powerful and at least somewhat strong-willed. I could be completely off-base here, but I think you should pick one: either 'it isn't real', or 'you didn't die!'.

That's pretty much all I have to say about dialog. All the other dialog seemed quite strong.

The car crash. Your first three sentences are excellent- they are choppy and dramatic and provide just enough information for us to be able to figure out what is going on. Here is where it gets a little awkward, 'We spin and hover in the air as if we are specks of dust under the gaze of an afternoon sun.' I do agree that it is a good time to introduce a longer sentence. I'm assuming the hovering is supposed to describe the narrator's sense that time is slowing down. It might seem like a bit of a cliche, but I think you need to tell your readers that, so they don't feel lost. You could literally say 'time seemed to slow down' or something along those lines.

The dust in the sun is a colorful image- I'm just not sure it works for a car crash. While comparing the character's bodies to specks of dust implies the sense of smallness, it sounds a little too static. I would rather see something portrays the kinetic, violent, impactful nature of the whole event. That's just me though- I hope I'm not sounding too picky. The metaphor is a beautiful one and if you decide to remove it here, I think you should keep it in mind for use in other writing.

For whatever reason, I found myself mis-imagining the image of the car crash immediately after impact. For whatever reason, I imagined them still close together, even perhaps comically stacked, when they hit the ground. When you described the narrator reaching for Julie, I had to immediately edit the image in my mind to them being separate. As trivial as it is, it broke up my flow slightly. If you actually described them flying in separate directions after being hit, it would have the dual benefit of being easier for your readers to follow and providing a nice metaphor for your narrator's losing her.

I think you have a good pace. For the content, it is a good length. I actually like the choppy scenes in the hospital. They are dramatic. There are also somewhat startling- almost jarring- but I kind of like that. Now, can I assume that the actual story here isn't over? It seems like you have more of a plan for it, but I'm not quite sure. Your plot was good and your story definitely captured my attention.

Okay, now for the boring but necessary part- grammar. I'm just going to show you specific examples.

'The phrase pops to mind as the barista hands me two strawberry lattes. ' There's no major typo here. Its just a little awkward, since this sentence refers to the entirety of the previous sentence. You might have better luck with 'This is the phrase that...' or 'This thought'.

'It is high summer coming to fall and I am on ecstasy.' Make sure you are using the right preposition. 'on ecstasy' and 'in ecstasy' mean very, very different things. I think you want to say 'in ecstasy'.

'pushes out the world entire.' Since 'pushes' is a verb, you should use the adverb 'entirely' instead of 'entire'.

' Had I been courageous on at her doorway...' prepositions again. I think you want to just use 'at'.

Overall, a very nice story. Your plot was good. I also find rubik's cubes a little too fun, which is part of why I chose to read this in the first place. I think it was an interesting choice for your 'object'. Overall, this was very good work.
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Review of When You Sleep  
Review by Tab
Rated: E | (3.5)
I believe the point of this story is to highlight the wonder that children experience when they learn new things- the kind of things that you and I have accepted for years. Instead of jumping around the globe so much, I'd like to see more focus on the children's' reactions to the information that they learn. The very first time you make the jump, from America to Australia, it is pleasantly surprising. By the time you got to China, however, I found the experience a little dizzying and felt my attention begin to wander.

Your inclusion of the cat in the first two scenes was a nice touch. This shows something that the children have in common- a bond with an animal. This is a good way to make the children seem less foreign to each other. If you wanted to continue this theme, perhaps you could show us that the Australian girl has something in common with the farmer, and so on. Its just a suggestion- certainly not necessary.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. It was simplistic and charming. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by Tab
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sounds you had a frightful little adventure! It's never fun losing something precious, but it appears that you handled it quite well.

I have a couple of suggestions. First of all 'in the corner of my eye' should be 'out of the corner'. Otherwise, it sounds kind of like something is stuck in your eye.

I think the following sentence should be either broken up or rearranged 'Her father and I gave her our blessing and support...' As it stands it is a little awkward. Perhaps you should try something like this: 'knowing that she certainly had the looks, the personality, and the talent, we gave her our blessings...' I would play around with it a little. Find something that sounds good and still fits your personal writing style.

In the next sentence, I think you over-explain the need for a piano. 'She hit a snag during rehearsals, though, when she was told that she would have to provide her own piano because the auditorium where the pageant was going to be held did not have one.' You could just put a period after 'own piano' and call it good. No further explanation is needed. You readers can probably figure out the rest on their own.

As a reader, however, I would like a little more of a background on the Everett piano. You put in your description that it was a family heirloom. Just speaking for myself, I think it would be helpful to read a little about its history and value so that you may portray for your readers just how much of a loss it was.

That's pretty much it. I didn't see any major typos or anything. Overall, this was quite good. I like that you ended it on a positive note. Nice work!
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Review of Zero Hour  
Review by Tab
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading this. Most of my criticisms took place in the first half. Once it got some momentum, it was wonderful.

You might want to explain right off the bat that you are in a cafe. As a reader, I found Juliet's appearance a little startling because I originally imagined your character in a cold, sterile, research lab. Setting it in a cafe is much better, but it did take a moment to reorient myself.

When you first describe the narrator's experiences with her zero hour machine, you may actually be over-explaining it. I read a review on this that implied that the explanation of the time-machine was a bit dull. For me, it is not your explanation of the machine itself that I found tedious, but the description of the experiences your narrator previously had with it. You might want to reduce this significantly in the beginning, since there are plenty of references to your narrator's bleak future throughout the piece. I feel that, by using these little tidbits, you can still tell your back story.

The dialog around Juliet giving your narrator coffee is unnecessary. Perhaps, instead of removing this scene, you could add some purpose to it by emphasizing how routine it was for your narrator. By showing us that your narrator has become numb to this exchange after living it so many times, you could further demonstrate her blindness to the opportunity that was in front of her the whole time. Just a thought. Not a big deal either way.

I absolutely loved Juliet- she's perfect. She is a ray of sunshine- exactly what your narrator needs at that moment. Your depiction of her is perfect. The fact that she was there, in the cafe the entire time...perfect. Did I mention that she is perfect?

A couple of small typos:
"I'm the worlds first time traveler", should have an apostrophe aka "world's".
"'I solemnly swear not to make to make...'" repeated the phrase "to make".
And, this just confused me a little, "glomps onto my arm." Did you mean "glomb", or is "glomp" a word I'm unfamiliar with. I'm honestly not sure.

Overall, a great work and a very interesting read. I found myself completely committed to the story the moment your narrator does the search on "do nothing". After that, your plot was so compelling that I could not stop until I read to the end. Nice job.
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Review of AUTUMN (1)  
Review by Tab
Rated: E | (5.0)
Such stunning imagery! The meter matches the meaning- the whole thing flows so beautifully that I just had to read it again.
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Review of Being a Pilot  
Review by Tab
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is excellently written; clear, consise, and well rounded. Your descriptions of piloting point out a couple different angles that would have never occured to me and your commentary on travel and adventure adds great emphesis to what I have already considered. What is portrayed here is a wonderful reference for persual of my own dreams. I will remember the advice offered. Thank you.

Noche
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Review by Tab
Rated: E | (4.0)
This makes for a great story to tell the kids. It is amusing and certainally has that simple kind of appeal. My only criticism is that, for writing, you might want to add some detail. Perhaps its just because I'm a big kid now, but I found myself losing interest part way into it.
Other than that, all is well. Overall, this was quite clever. Good luck.
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Review of The Teacher  
Review by Tab
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found the comparisons in this to portray a rich sense of omnipresence and knowlege. It reminds me of a theme in Siddhartha, which implies that knowlege is best gained through expierence and ones own thirst for knowlage. The imagry in this is strong.
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Review of The Hills  
Review by Tab
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You display some amazing images through your description, and the broadness of your vocabulary is also notibly decent. This is strong and powerful, if a bit too long for what you're trying to say. Nice work.
Cheers.

Noche
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Review of Serpent's Revenge  
Review by Tab
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, you certainaly have decent imagry and good descriptions of what's happening. I enjoy the way you reflect the adventure aspect in your poem, that makes for a good, attention-getting thrill. The flow and rythems seem to work well too. I found one small gramatical error; I think "took" needs to be taken. Other than that, this is quite good.
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