Hi, kbabgfd:
 
WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
*Content
Fantastic story. Perhaps it can draw more interest if the main characters are engaged in dialogue instead of being narrated by a third person. Would you consider a revision with a show-and-tell version? Worth a try? I would love to take a second look if you go that route.
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks , Spelling and other nitty-gritty go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity, conciseness and readability:
I. Introduction
Presentation of Numbers: When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
"...a war between [2] [two] clan..."
"...a war between those [[2] [two] vindictive tribes..."
Her home is far from the village since she is certainly a powerful but above all clumsy fairy. [Two ways to fix this sentence:
1) Her home is far from the village since she is certainly a powerful but [above all] a clumsy fairy.
2) Her home is far from the village since she is certainly [a ] powerful but above all [a] clumsy fairy.
2. The Encounter:
Those ears are pretty long and pointy at the top and both [wears] [wear] golden earring at their lobe.
3. The Conversation:
"Take a [sit] [seat]!" she offers, noticing your catalepsy. [ I was going to give you a pass on this misspelling because it's a dialogue and it may be the way this character talks; but, if this is not intentional on the part of the narrator, the correct usage is seat.
You didn't think she was at this [ point... and yet...:]
[Uses of Ellipsis: Let me share with you what I learned about ellipsis. It might help you minimize its use just as it did me.
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
Second, to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.]
4. The Preparation:
You see her taking a deep breath, before suddenly saying [: ] [,] "Well! I have things to do. [Replace colon with comma. I see this pattern used throughout the whole manuscript]
5. Armistice
After you're well locked inside. She returns to her side of the table and kneels down. [To eliminate the fragment of the first sentence, consider revising by combining the two sentences into one:
After you're well locked inside, she returns to her side of the table and kneels down.
wich [typo for which]
"It is not for you to go [there.] [,]" she says with her mother tone, [Replace period with comma.]
6. An Unexpected Guest
Punctuation marks need fixing in this area where direct quotations are employed.
Attribution
Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use a comma instead of a period to complete the sentence. Use lower case (for pronoun) to complete the sentence.
7-12 show the same or similar violations in the application of punctuation marks. The whole manuscript needs polishing.
*Dialogue
I believe this story can pop, sizzle, and dazzle if more dialogue is employed rather than straight narration. Narration becomes monotonous and puts the reader to sleep.
*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away As I mentioned above, this story can pop, sizzle, and dazzle with characters interacting with each other with their own words instead of coming from a narrator's point of view.
Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Image #2122266 over display limit. -?-
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| (4.5)
| (3.5)
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