This story has some very poignant moments that I thought really stood out. Moments like this really should be expanded:
“Oh, I had to invite all of the kids in the class or my Mom wouldn’t let me have a party,” Manuella told her.
“Well, I’m looking forward to it,’ Janie replied hoping she did not sound as hurt as she felt. “Is it alright to wear the costume that we wear for the school party?
The characters are certainly unique to themselves. However, we don't get a strong connection with anyone. To start with, we don't know much about these characters. Who are they? Age? What do they look like? What kind of place is this school? Be specific! Each character, particularly Janie, seems unbelievable. Janie is just too perfect. As a reader, we are looking for interesting, complex characters with their own twists and foibles. Manuella seems to be the most realistic one simply because she has inherent human traits, despite her awkward delivery and presentation.
We need to get into these characters' heads more. As this story stands now, it lacks that dimension to really make it speak to the readers. We need to feel hurt, we need to feel jealousy, or anger, or happiness, or whatever. We don't need to be told that someone is hurt or angry. We want to feel it through description and structure.
What's more, the dialogue is incredibly wooden. It's not natural and it's hard to get through at times and some of it is so cliche or obvious that it borders on the unbelievable. Dialogue uses a lot of contractions, particularly among younger speakers. Everyone has their own rhythm of speech, and your characters do too.
Now, I do absolutely think this has potential. I think you can certainly build this into a poignant piece, but don't adhere to the traditional rules of a happy ending or moral tale! Give us something to root for! We need tension! Conflict! Build it up, drag us in there, through the mud, through the pain, through the frustrations.
There are several problems with this story. First, it's not all that interesting; we're all familiar with the Cinderella archetype. We need something new. I got really excited when she threw Talia into the closet, but alas, it didn't expand on this evil, underhanded dynamic. The names are confusing as they switch in several places. Please separate paragraphs via indentation or line spaces.
Build the scenes. We need more concrete details, more of an investment into this story. Don't summarize. Walk us through each important scene. Add dialogue. Add more character development. We need a story arc, we need a solid change in characters. That's what we're looking for in fiction, right? A character that changes. That realization, or epiphany, or whatever. Get us to that moment.
Interesting concept that deserves to be developed further. I like the characters.
Questions:
Why was Jonny still closeted? His ghost seemed pretty relaxed about the whole thing.
What's up with Sam? She missed Jonny but they were or weren't together? I'm confused as to their relationship, or what kind of arrangement existed there.
We need a huge build up in tension and grief. It seems too easy right now. The ghost scene undercuts any type of tension you've built up. I realize that it's a short piece, and maybe you want to keep it as such, but this really deserves a broader narrative. Grief, depression, secrets, revelations--these themes are huge.
If the story is about Nat, let's get into his head more. I'd love to see his friendship with Jonny, how he had been told of his friend's orientation, how he took it, how much they still care about one another. Flashbacks can be useful. But the poignancy and depth will be difficult to capture in such a short piece. Think about expanding and building up your characters and how they react to the revelation.
First thing, please, please, please reformat your manuscripts to include line breaks or paragraph breaks. It's incredibly difficult to read through a story that looks like a huge block.
Secondly, it's a cute story but really there isn't much going on. However, I will say that the voice is particularly strong, and it's written pretty confidently. The characters are realistic. But everything is too obvious. This very story has been written so many times over; if romance and love are the idea, then why not search for a more original plot?
We need to get inside her head more when she runs into Andrew. We need to see her change or react a little stronger when she sees him. We have a decent enough time in her head leading up to it, but when the money moment comes, she just slaps him on the arm.
Everything is too neat. We need complications and conflict. There was only one way this story could have ended, and it did. I hate to say it, but it's rather boring. There's nothing driving the reader to keep at it because we don't really care if she and Andrew are together. Why would we? We don't know Andrew. We haven't seen their love. We get told a little about it, but we haven't experienced it or felt it as "real." Inject some depression, longing, obsession, and actual love in there. In fact, all the characters obsessing over prom comes across as a bit superficial and annoying. Flashbacks could help give weight to their relationship.
Absolutely cut out the end with the daughter. There's no call for it. In fact it drives the final nail in the coffin for this piece--the "happily ever after" ending. We've seen these types of stories, why are you asking us to read more of the same? Everything is too perfectly wrapped up and perfect in general. It will drive your readers nuts. Originality! Complexity! Imagination! Creativity! Don't settle for less! You're clearly a confident writer with a strong voice--give us something more.
Also, on a technical note, please look up the rules of "you and I." You are incorrectly using it when you mean "you and me."
I hate to say it, and I really mean that because I think you have some talent as I've pointed out, but I think this story needs to be taken apart and changed from start to finish. When in doubt, darken it up!
I like the concept of this story and I think it certainly has a future. A few things struck me right away:
We need more concrete details. Where are we? When are we? What does everything look like? What kind of town is George in?
What do those pods look like? "Long black things" are not a description. What do these alien people look like?
I assume that this is just the first chapter. We don't need so much information right away. We should end with the revelation that Arthur is still alive.
George needs more fleshing out. What are his quirks? Any friends? We should get to know him more. Expand this chapter, let us see him and his life, and then end with the crazy revelation that his father is alive.
Cut back on the "he did this" type of description. It's boring. Why is this all described? "I knew she was joking because it was summer holidays. I crumpled the note and put it in the garbage. Then I went to the fridge to get some milk to drink for breakfast. I poured some of the milk clumsily in to a bowl of cereal. Just when the spoon was about to reach my mouth, the phone rang."
Why doesn't that just say: "I knew she was joking because it was the summer holidays. As I poured myself some cereal, the phone rang."
The transition to telling how Arthur got the rock for George's mother's wedding ring is confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand that you went further into the past. I was under the impression that he started going to the moon after they were married. Work on the transition; there's not even a paragraph break at that point when you shifted time frames.
Lot of good stuff in here, but make sure we care about these characters more. George's voice is okay right now, but I'd like to get to know him better, especially around other kids in his life. Remember: it's "anyway" not "anyways."
I really enjoyed this piece. It is full of dense descriptions and an empathetic hero. While it was pretty obvious from the start that he was escaping prison, I don't know if you should intentionally keep that fact hidden. Revealing his plight immediately would ramp up the tension from the get-go, which would improve its pacing much more. Giving that sort of conflict would also help you write the rest of it as it focuses your writing. As it sits, the reader is kind of stuck in neutral reading through his experience, but without any direction. A simple, "he wondered how long it would be before the guards would discover his empty cell" or something like that would give us a destination. Thinking of mom a little earlier would be more organic to the piece, instead of waiting to inject her in the last third. I love how much you've fit into this small space, and I think that some polishing could really get this one to pop.
Fantastic start! I loved the ending. The voice is nice, the characters are interesting. The pacing is working at a brisk pace, and slows down just enough at the proper parts.
The problems in this piece can easily be addressed.
First, where and when are we? We need to know this much, much sooner. Don't leave it up to the reader to figure it out; we should be seeing what the characters look like, their surroundings, and told the proper bits of exposition much sooner. Explain the Low Country dynamic sooner. Pepper in these expository details as the story progresses, don't lump them in together.
The first paragraph about believing in God isn't really needed in its form. Maybe Moritan has a discussion with his wife about God briefly. Or just say he doesn't believe in God as a passing detail. But as it sits, it's too glaring in its structure and detracts from the overall piece. Remember, stories don't need introductions like essays do. Just get us going.
Concrete details! Remember this! We need to know exactly what things look like; we don't need to know what EVERYTHING looks like, mind you, just the little details that make the story pop with resonance.
The crowd scene seems to lack authenticity. I don't actually get the feeling that a crowd surrounded him; give us some details, maybe the smells, what he sees. The guards are a little too easy to bypass. It cuts the tension, considering they just spent their energy turning back a mob mere seconds before.
But again, the absolute most important thing to work on is developing this world that you've created. I love the idea, I love the voice and pacing. But we need to see this world and how it interacts with its characters. The key is to know what details will speak for the whole, because overloading the piece with detail will really screw with your pacing.
This is a nice, quick shot of puppy love, but I have to ask: where's the beef? It reads more like a short riff than a story, because really, there's no story arc, and there's no conflict at all. Daniel is an interesting character simply because he's The New Guy, and I really wanted to know more about him and his interaction with the camp. I'd really like to see something happen with this piece. There needs to be some depth and weight added to give it that oomph that reminiscent narratives aim for.
Really, get the story going structurally, try to figure out what you want to keep and project, and I'd like to revisit these characters as I think they have a lot of potential.
Very nice story, but is this the whole thing? It's kind of cool if it is, but it's very difficult for me to critique if I'm not reading the whole thing--I don't think I'm doing you justice. I picked up enough as it went along, though I was curious about the whole "murder" bit.
Anyway, some thoughts:
I'd sugget ending at "Then I put on the jacket, and she put on the dress. I was an actor, and she was beautiful. Then we kissed again."
Going further with your ending is a common problem among earlier writers; we don't need a neatly tied up ending with a bow. We don't need a conclusion--just end it where it needs to end.
Also, a will would need to be done up legally--I don't know the specifics but I don't think a scrap of paper with a signature would hold up in court against any family members who would want the estate.
Anyway, I think I need to read the rest of the story if it exists. Please let me know! I really like this voice you've created and the characters and all the elements in this piece.
As a slice-of-life-type of narrative, I have to say: I really enjoyed this story. It's quirky, it's got some excellent concepts going for it, and it has a pretty cool main character. The ingredients are there, but there are some things that can be worked on to really make this one pop.
Firstly, and this is the main problem: we need more tension and conflict. We need something to drive this thing. What's at stake? What makes the reader care?
We need better descriptions of this world you've created. What does the town look like? What does Sam look like? What does everything look like? Concrete details make things resonate for the reader. Let the world breathe.
There seems to be a wall up between the reader and Sam. We should get into his head more, especially when he finds his water jars broken. Maybe the story should open with him finding the jars broken or putting his latest acquisition on display from some far-away world. Who knows. But make us care more. Make us feel his anguish. Get us in his head when he finds his life's work destroyed. His anger and thoughts of revenger were too quickly resolved. Make things more complicated/darker/whatever.
This is a very poignant piece with a lot of emotional depth and is thematically resonant. However, there are several glaring issues.
Technically speaking, try to avoid overusing the passive voice, i.e. he *was* this, or she *would be* this, etc. It's boring. There are plenty of grammatical issues as well, such as spelling and whatnot, but these are minor issues. However, it would be more respectful to your reader to ensure that your drafts are clean for every critique.
Tighten your first chapter up. Give us some information, but don't give us too much. You are putting too much out there at once, and it's coming across as strictly exposition. Take us out of his past a little, and let us see what's going on outside. Is anyone with him? Maybe it would be nice to have someone with whom he can interact. (Obviously this is your story--I'm just throwing out very standard and obvious suggestions that would make the piece pick up). Maybe he stops somewhere. Who knows.
And above all: end each chapter with some sort of cliffhanger. This will keep the reader interested and help you get through the next bit.
There is a lot here that you can expand on and build off of. I like the concept, I like Paul as a main character. But there are plenty of flaws.
First, introducing characters in a "list" format does nothing except make the reader breeze through and forget each one. Nobody cares because the words aren't anchored to anything solid. Introduce the characters in the story, adding short anecdotes or put them in the scene actively--that will remind the reader who each character is.
Second, you seem to be really searching for a way to start and end this story. Don't. Forget an introduction, forget a conclusion. Let the scenes do the work. The first third or so is JUST exposition, and that's boring. Nobody cares. Get us GOING. The story seems to really take off at this line: "Three weeks later, at "Too Much Man"'s first concert since Paul's accident, the lights come up on Rob..." And that's because we are finally in a proper tense and things are happening. Compare that to the beginning. Why don't you start out with Paul waking up in the hospital or something? Anything could work, really, as long as you get us in the moment. Avoid summarizing. The ending is the same. Who cares?
Third, and this is probably the most important bit, but why the heck should any of us care? Where's the tension? What's the conflict? What's at stake? Make us care. Give us something to fight against. Maybe he's having a hard time gaining weight. Maybe they're losing fans because he's getting skinny. Maybe his bandmates hate all the attention he's getting. Who knows. But we need a conflict, a development in character, an arc of some sort, and a resolution/ending that reflects this. It doesn't have to be a happy ending, but we need something to root for.
I don't really understand the point in this. Interesting concepts, but that's all they are. Expand possibly?
The problem I have with this type of writing is that it describes things going on in a quick way that doesn't really resonate. While writers should be observers, they should also be contributors to the scenes around them. Don't keep that wall up.
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