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334 Public Reviews Given
334 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I do not use templates, I prefer to send my thoughts in letter form. But be forewarned most of my reviews are over 5000 characters in length. More especially the first. Seconds and third reviews tend to be more concise as I learn what you would have me comment on.
I'm good at...
Being,(or at least trying to be) objective, never forgetting why we are all looking for reviews.
Favorite Genres
Epic Fantasy, Historic, Action, Crime Drama, Techno-thrillers, and many of the classics. I like some erotica when tastefully presented with a plot that could be plausible. I think snippets of porn lack talent and are just graphic self-indulgence.
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry: but only because I am not very good at it. That is not to say I am unwilling to share the emotion your poem may invoke, you must understand you will get what I feel, with little help on any technical aspects.
Favorite Item Types
I am eclectic! I truly like everything, my favorite is whatever the book is in my hand at the time you ask the question.
Least Favorite Item Types
I'm not a big fan of Gay (male homosexual erotica)But to exclude any genre based on perceived phobias is to lessen my understanding of our art. How can I succeed with a closed mind, when the opposite is what creative writing is all about?
I will not review...
Nothing is off limits I believe as writers we must be willing to understand the entire spectrum of our art, even if a particular area is disturbing to us. Testing our limits is what makes us better at what we do. It does not make us into what we may read or comment on. To have an opinion one must first experience the subject even if it is only in the peripheral. If you are never exposed to a germ, that germ can become paralyzingly dangerous. Minor exposure can sometimes give immunity.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Pluto’s Rock  
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Yacolt,

Well I have read some of your great poems so now it time to check out some of your other works. I clicked on “Pluto’s Rock” as it was first up. I just spent the last 30 minutes reading it and now I am trying to digest my feelings.

Let me start by saying, I noticed you have been at this for some time. You have a lot of work on the site. So, it is probably safe to assume that you have gotten a lot of reviews over the years, and understand that they are all just an opinion, as is this one offered by me. No one review is significant. We should only be concerned with repeating trends.

I have found that it is more important to know your targeted audience than the views of a dozen random readers, which can be greatly askew. That being said, Sci-Fi is not my normal genre, though I love watching it at the movies, I have seen all the ‘Star Trek’, ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Avatar movies a dozen times. However, I have not read any of their book forms. So please do not take anything I offer as more then an honest attempt to give you another point of view.

It is easy to see you have an excellent imagination your work as a whole proves its power. The storyline seems original, though Terminator’s theme of Warring Robots attacking humans come a little close. In this case, it is not the central part of the story. That may be where one of my problems with Pluto’s Rock begins. I am not sure what the central plot is, I know that with only sixteen hundred words on paper it is still early but this is Sci-Fi and a slow plot spells doom.

Sci-Fi is most assuredly Genre specific and only occasionally becomes mainstream, and then more often then not only after it hits the big screen. In an effort to explain my meaning, I will offer some of the lessons about fiction that I have learned. In most cases literary fiction is character based, as exampled in books like, War and Peace, The English Patient, Gone with the Wind, Catcher in the Rye, and others of their like. The authors take us into the psyches of their heroes and protagonist and they are the focus for our attention. The environment in which the dialog takes place is secondary. It is in these types of fiction that the ‘Who’ and ‘Why’ are the important aspects in the story, plot takes the back seat.

Science fiction however, is Plot driven, and the characters are second place, it is the What, When and Where that comes first. That does not mean we can get away with flat characters, no we just have to show what they are doing before we delve into their hearts and minds.

I think that if you asked someone to tell you the Star Wars story, they will tell you it is a story of the good guys ‘the rebellion’, fighting the bad guys, ‘the Empire’. Overall it is what Luke Skywalker does and how he and a cast of dozens overcome the many evils thrown at them that makes it a hit. Ask your test subject what their favorite scene was, and most likely, you will hear “The fight between Yoda and Count Dooku” or some other action sequence. I will bet a $100 dollars, that nobody will tell you it was Luke’s character insight scene in the root-infested cave, where he envisions himself beneath the mask of Darth Vader.

This is the feeling I get from Pluto’s Rock, its all about Jymile. The start was very hard for me. I understand you were trying to get his background out to us as soon as possible, but it gave me the feeling of a big Infodump. I do give you kudos as I though your attempts to break it up with the pool practicing was a good idea, but the segment seemed to long.

I am told that building good characters should be an evolved process that we should learn about them more from what they do then from what they say, maybe even more so from their actions. I have learned that the worst way to learn about them is in a narrative.

I don’t know what the goal of this piece is, by that, I mean is it just practice, is it a short, is it a character study, will it be a book? The answer to these question will change the direction or value of anyone suggestions. If you are thinking of a book then perhaps you may want to revisit your story’s structure. Maybe start in the middle and tell the back-story with flashbacks.

I noticed redundancy in the story as well. There are a number of examples but a couple that stick out after the fact, you must have mentioned that he cannot leave Pluto’s safety because of his problem with Lugar at least four or five times. You mention the amount of money he gets from Primrose several times. There are other examples, but making a list of them is not my goal. I am suggesting that your readers are smart enough to remember the details and you do not often need to repeat them. On the off chance, there is a need for a reference then you can use inference and innuendo without sounding like you are repeating yourself.

Of course, I know if you have been writing for any length of time you have already heard the main fiction writers mantra “Show don’t tell.” Please don’t misunderstand you do a good job within dialog and in many parts of the narrative, but there are still places in the narrative that you could liven up with some more ‘show’. Remember that ‘show’ is more then action, it is the use of all the senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch) and of course you can’t forget that mystic sense of insight the ‘Gut’

I would also encourage looking for ways to be more concise, again this is my editors repeated instruction “Cut the word count!” So, in my work, I am always going back and looking for ways to say more with less. The first rule is does this sentence advance the story, if not then it dosen’t matter how interesting, no matter how cute, or funny, it is out of place and you can cut it. If you are like most writers, you may need a good sounding board, someone who is not emotionally attached to the story. I have a hard time with this myself because I think everything one of my characters does or says is key to the success of the story.

Here’s an example, you wrote:

Sometimes the brain works slower then the body. The brain will use the body’s senses to know something, take in the information and process it. After the brain process the information it tells the body what to do.
Looking at the end of the rail to gauge the distance Jymile saw a well dressed man in an expensive suit standing and watching. Jymile never hustled pool at Rosie’s, he never even seen anyone here use the table.
But Jymile’s brain still ran though the decisions. Is this obviously rich man a mark? Should he miss this shot and sucker him in? Maybe make the shot and call it luck. Maybe sucker the man that way.
His arms started in motion as Jymile’s brain remembered it was Rodger Penrose the industrialist who had testified at his trial.
Jymile’s startled brain, caught between decisions, scrambled the information it was sending to Jymile’s muscles. His arm shanked the cue stick, sending the ball over the cushioned rail on to the floor. Management had installed an island of carpet around the table to protect the real earth maple from events like this, so the cue made a soft noise on the carpet and rolled against the bar’s mahogany wall.


Here’s a possible different version of the same information:

Looking down the que-stick Jymile concentrated on the geometry needed to complete his bank-shot, it was taking longer then usual for his brain to discern the needed information, something was wrong. In the fussy corner of his vision, stood a blur of a well-dressed man; was he a mark, and a quick payday?

Jymile’s arm started forward at the exact instant that his senses finally made the identification it was Rodger Penrose. The trouble with the male brain’s ability to multi-task is it has only one synaptic connector, instead of controlling his arm’s pool shot, it let through his recognition of his industrialist courtroom savior. The resulting chip shot flew over the rail heading for the carpeted floor.


Please notice I did not say your version was wrong or that the second was correct, they are just different the first took 205 words, the second 118 words. Now it is easy to suggest different scenarios after the fact, tweaking someone else’s writing isn’t even as hard as Monday morning quarterbacking. You did the real work already you came up with the concept and put it in some form of order on a page.

I have written millions of words over the last 50 years, and yet my first work of fiction won’t be on the stands until this next Christmas. In that effort, there were pages and chapters that I must have re-written a hundred times only to have my editor suggest I cut them out completely.

Watch out for spell checker it can give you issues like the example : shouldn’t the word be Channel instead of chancel?


“I pulled the walker through the cargo doors and jammed them shut. I went over the back of the pilot’s seat and hit the controls out of there. I had a clear shot at a couple more military robots but I didn’t take the time to fire. I was thinking about the eight man crew-ship near by, since I had their chancel on and I didn’t hear anything.”

Well I have spent a lot of word to say very little. Maybe that is why I am always being asked to cut the count down. This notwithstanding I truly hope that you can find anything I have offered thought provoking. Keep writing, and if you are of a mind to hear more I am almost always willing to share my thoughts. (hehe. my wife says that this is one of my personal character flaws. Not my willingness to help, but rather my vanity in thinking I can.)

Joey C.
102
102
Review of Your Intense Kiss  
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Yacolt,

Thanks again for doing your review of some of my stuff, and please accept my apology for not getting to return the favor before now. Even though, I am retired and everyday is Saturday with an occasional mixing in of a holiday. I still have trouble fitting in all the requests for my time from my family, friends, and church. I recommend that unless you are a very energetic person, stay working as retirement is very grueling.

First, I do not normally review poetry because I do not know diddly about it and frankly, I have a hard enough time trying to get a handle on my fiction writing. But this morning I was trying to be a good boy and do some reviews, because I crave them as does everyone else. So I started clicking on the portfolios of my reviewers. (I promised myself I would not review at random until I paid back the folks who have taken the time to read my contributions.)

Please, bear in mind that I am completely ignorant about poetry as an art form; I would not know a ‘Haiku’ from a ‘Pilate’. Therefore, my opinion is 100% gut reaction. (for whatever value it may have for you.)

I must say, I was not disappointed, this is a very powerful piece, and I could feel passion. Moreover, quite a surprise to find this was not an ordinary kiss. At first I did not think your statement about it being erotic was very appropriate, that is until I got to the end. This kiss was not on the mouth. it was that realization, which caused its instant transformation in my mind.

I have never though of poetry as erotic before. Most of the so titled, I find wanting and no more then amusing limerick. The beginning of your poem brought to my mind the imagery of a high school kid doodling and then I reached the end and ‘Pow’ instant adult interaction. This is not a kiss on the mouth! I said then where is it? I re-read the poem and with the new image in my mind, it took on a whole new meaning. Now perhaps it is just me being a guy of 55 summers and married for 30 of them, which makes sexual imagery, harder to come by.

Anyway, nice job I may not be so quick to pass by a poem next time, thank you for the lesson.

Joey C
103
103
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Ani . . .,

As Arte Johnson would have said “Very interesting” I was not crazy about your formatting I kept losing my place, if you are going to use manuscript formatted it is only double spaced, not triple.

I am curious are you a Brit or a yank trying to sound a bit limy, not that its bad, on the contrary I understood that Stevey was English as soon as she started exclaiming Bollocks, it not used much in the USA anymore, save but in some very rural new England mostly Maine and New Hampshire. Then when she made the comment about the Tames the location was set, very good sport.

“Plasters. Plasters, plasters, plasters. Found them.” Didn’t work as well for me, I understood what you where going for, but I had to stop and think about it, and it is bad to pull the reader out of the story. Maybe more like this “Plaster . . . where are the . . . bloody hell . . . God damn it . .. where…oh found’em.”

Here ‘s something else only someone who is from or has been to England would know that a plaster is what Americans call Band-Aids so you have used the name five times in two paragraphs and 98% of the Americans who have read it didn’t understand and moved on. You miss-spelled (pries) (meaning to pry open) and you left out the quotation marks. Here is a suggestion as to a different way to word that sentence.

She opened the little orange box, pulled one out. “s***ty, fiddly things and they are, Sainsbury’s own they’re. By the time you manage to pries off all the little bits of paper, you’ve bled to death, before yaw can get the bandage in place, Jesus.”

Now that we’ve fixed it what the blood hell is its purpose it is a distraction doesn’t move the story forward, it doesn’t set up any scene. Other than showing that Stevey is from the lower peer class, which we already know because she starts out yelling about bulls balls.

Oh sorry just found another miss-spell (realisation.) should be ‘realization’

I was not in RAF Mildinhall, long enough to pick up on everything (other there about a quarter of free running women. The limy girls did treat us yank very well.

I know it may sound like I am picking at your piece, its quite the contrary, I liked it,

it moved quick and I like the dialog plenty of show. If you got more, keep it coming I’ll read on. Let me know when you are ready, that’s assuming you care hear from my arse again.

Joey C.
104
104
Review of Augie  
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hi Ali,

Well thank you for helping me get started, I think I am starting to figure things out. Of course, it is long held in the circles of academia, “That a man with a little knowledge is a very dangerous thing.” I after some five years of study, have become one of those dodgy fellows, I am certainly classed as having a little (the emphasis on the word little, as in small, minuscule and teeny-weenie) knowledge. But, luckily for my ego, what I lack in literary astuteness, I can make up for with bravado, and unending opinion.

A fore mentioned disclaimer promptly placed in bold print at the head of this review, I am going to try to repay your kindness to me, by tearing your work to pieces, with my wild ideas and unwarranted suggestions. I will again warn you that I have spent far more on subscriptions, courses, books and copy editors, then I have ever made by selling my feeble scribbling. (That is with fiction, I have done very well in my efforts in Technical writing, But I think it doubtful that you need me to write you a report on improving the efficiency of your cabinet manufacturing plant, that is unless you have one?) I say these thing because I don’t need people to tell me how great I am, (my head is already to big) No, I need to constantly be pointed at my frailties. It has been the following of that theory, which has allowed me to make any progress in this art. (That is, again assuming I have.)

Now to the good parts, Augie’s story is wonderful, it is inspirational, and has a warm feel. It seems to me an original storyline, I can’t remember reading, or seeing anything with my children, which even remotely resembles this tale. (Note: I have four kids the oldest twenty-seven, the youngest nineteen. So I have watched tremendous amount videos over the years.) Next, the story is quick, but with that said it has some bumps.

By bumps, I mean it didn’t read as smoothly to me as it could have, and it was very narrative heavy. I think there are many opportunities to (oh this hurts me to say, because its my middle names) ‘Show instead Tell’ and of course George Orwell said over and over, “Less is more, cut, cut, and when you have done all you can, cut some more”

Lets look at the beginning knowing that the cage is made of chain link may not be important, Billy’s woven finger do not advance the story. How about something like this:

“Mom, this is the one, I want him, and he needs me.”

The cinnamon colored dog shyly sniffed at the boys fingers, “Billy please, don’t put your hands in the kennel, they haven’t cleaned it yet today, you’ll get your pants dirty.”

I think this way the reader will get the picture, in this first paragraph I used of the forty-one words, thirty-one are now in dialog, where in your original, there are fifty-five words and only seven are in dialog. This is with me taking the liberty to start the plot thread in the first sentence, by adding “and he needs me.” The mystique of this story is that Billy hears Augie so why not start the idea from Jump Street. Anyway, I hope you get the idea from my short example. I have to do the same thing go back and try to move stuff into actions and dialog.

Here is another example of getting more action into the narrative.

“It’s okay Augie,” Billy gave a yawning whisper to new friend, “It’s safe here. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.” He pulled him up to his pillow and snuggled closer, his face nestled in Augie’s soft neck, and a minute later, they both lay asleep.

There are opportunities in every paragraph to move into Show, always look for more action! And of course you have to get creative, so you can plug in less common descriptors. Now I understand the constraints of a targeted audience, so I am not saying use a twelve letter word, if you reader is going to be a six year old. But in the English language we are very lucky, we have four-hundred ways to say one thing. While in say, Chinese, they only have four-hundred characters to say everything, if that seems hard to get, it means they only have four-hundred words in their entire written language. They change the meaning of a character by putting different character figures in front of each other. We have more than hundred words in the first five pages of any English dictionary.

I only saw a couple of times were you slipped into creative dialog syndrome (using some word other than Said as a dialog tags) but I am told that I don’t need tags unless there are more than two people talking and then there are things you can do there. If one of the characters is unique say like Joe Pesci's character Leo Getts in Lethal Weapon, he started every sentence with the words “I know, I know, I know.” or "What ever you need, Leo Getts" So after the first time, you never need to add he said again, because of this quark that identifies him. It easy with sidekicks because they can use familiarities like "Batman" to start every sentence. Stan Lee never had to write "Robin said," because he away started with "Holy 'something' Batman" or "Bruce" depending on the attire of the moment. Alfreda always use Master Robin or Master Bruce at the start of his sentences.

Little things are not consistent. Like in his dream, Billy whispers to Augie,

“Augie?” Billy whispered, his voice shaky with confusion. The puppy stopped barking and stood perfectly still, his eyes drilling holes into the boy’s chest. Then he sprinted off into the forest.

But, there is no need for whispers, they are in the woods, even though it is still in the dream. and he is confident enough to leave his mother and go running into the woods he would not be shaky maybe somewhat confused, if he didn't yet understand what it is that Augie wants him to do, but that's not the feeling I got, I got he was scared.

I think you could use a little more description work with the grassy fingers, they are important because Billy has to recognize them from the car so he knows where to tell him mom to stop. Billy needs to be more impetuous, maybe he bales out of the car the instant they stop, that will build more tension, because his mother is telling him to stop, but just keeps going, a man on a mission, that also gives the reader a reason for his mom to be so far behind him.

Ok, it is easy to pick someone else stories apart, I don’t have any emotional attachment to it. If only I could be as cynical with my own works. Ok . . . ok . . . ok, I know what you are saying oh my god, what is this fool done to my wonderful little award winning story of love, compassion, and the loyalty between a boy and his dog. Nothing, it is just find for the media it was posted. I understand it was just a short story contest, we don’t always have the energy to pour our hearts, and souls into a little forum contest. and the contest is long over and you already won! so what's the point?

What if instead, it was the opening for a Disney movie based on your book. "Augie and me" So, I tell you that my tearing at this warm little ditty is just to get you thinking. I mean it would be really cool, if you could become rich and famous, so I could say I knew you back when.

Now here’s an opportunity for you to return the lashings, I just posted a 2500 word piece for a spring contest from EROS

STATIC
The Tribute of Tyus Marlin  (13+)
Tale of the unexpected or was it foretold, a mother's warning unheeded or was it un-needed
#1757576 by Joey's Spring has Sprung


You can tear it up Please. Alternatively, of course you can also click on the delete button, which ever seems the most appropriate.
Best of luck, and if you’re not too fazed with me, I will read some more of your stuff tomorrow and see if I can tear it up as well.

Joey C.

P.S to anyone else reading this review I am glad to read and assault you as well, but only if to are willing to return the favor. don't be shy, drop me a line
105
105
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi again Connie,

I was glad to find out that my impressions were correct about the first story I reviewed. I have done a number of those contest entries on some of the other writer’s sites, that I have been on. In addition, I understand the knock it out quick mentality, I have done it myself on many occasions. After a good deal of time, I started to learn more about our craft and my work started getting much better feedback, thanks mostly to one of my mentors (Charlie Lucas, ‘Tin Man’ Goodman press 9-29-2009) he convinced me that after writing my shorts, that I not send or post them until after my next meal. Then go back and revisit them. I was quite surprised how differently I saw them. I guess when we read our own stories we tend to see what is supposed to be there instead of what is really on the page, or more often what is not on the page. Breaks are also one of the strongly recommended habits espoused to by George Orwell as a must for the fiction writer. However, I can’t bring myself to wait the year between viewings that he say’s he did for each of his stories. (Though it has taken me three years to get my first book in a publisher’s hands.)

To your story, ‘Me and the Rooster’ first let me say that everyone's opinion is just that, an opinion, take all reviews with a grain of salt. The closer you get to having the story right the more subjective everyone's opinion becomes. Your story is fine as is, save but for a few SPAG issues, if you are writing in MS Word (which 95% of us do) go to your options tab and turn on everything but first person review in spelling and grammar checker. It will find 90 % of the SPAG issues. Most people do not turn it on to its full capability, and are frustrated when they do not get the results they expect.

I have found ‘The Chicago Manual of Style’ . . . http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/home.html very helpful this is the most widely excepted (by today’s editors) as the definitive word on punctuation grammar and sentence structure. You can use it online for a very small subscription.

Has a typical little thing, your title should be The Rooster and Me, a little thing for sure. You are missing a comma or two and one semi-colon; damn that SPAG.

I am not very fond of your opening, because I think you do know why every time you see or hear a rooster you think of that time at Pop-pop’s farmhouse. It was a focal event for a five year old. It was a time when everything in the world was so much bigger. It was traumatic and exhilarating all at the same time. Adults rarely get the joy of those kinds of adrenalin rushes, because as we get older, our experiences make us jaded and we are no longer able to see the world from a view point thirty-six inches from the floor.

So there you have it, the excitement of the challenge, you against the brightly color demon in the yard. The self-recrimination at forgetting he was there, simply because a silly cousin stopped by. The terror of being accosted by the beast and the anger you felt at him, I mean think about it, if he had let you get a hold of him don’t you think you could have twisted his head off. Then there is the reassurance that it’s OK, the hero Pop-pop comes to the rescue and the loving care after the brush with that red, feathered, dragon.

This memory is powerful and could be full of energy that’s what I think writing is about, pulling your reader into your shoes. Don’t be doubtful, be assertive. Don’t say, I don’t know why, that’s a bit wimpy and casts a negative light. Take your concept whether it was a real event or is but an imagined contrivance and dissect the emotion then use that emotion to tell the story. Write it down as raw and gutsy as you can the first time; you can come back and clean it up after you capture the feelings. This works because everyone has a rooster, a big dog, a humongous goose, or an Aunt Sally’s huge yellow tiger cat in their own five-year old memoirs. If you can touch those feelings from that day and share them, your reader will instantly be empathic because while they rolled on the dusty ground kicking and screaming with you as the phoenix from hell tried to shred you to pieces, they are also remembering their own events.

I did a little toying with your opening paragraph:

“Every time I hear a voicetress rooster announcing the dawn, or his arrogant proclaiming of his presence as the boss of the yard, I am instantly transported to my Grandmom and Pop-pop’s old Kitchen, I was in my fifth summer and spending time with them.”

(Voicetress is a real word it is part of the southern urban dictionary and it is ok to use.)
‘Every time’ is two words you used it a as compound word.
Try not to repeat phrases in the same paragraph you need to rework your cock-a-doodle-dooed, its not the right fit.

When you paint your pictures don’t be afraid to use broad strokes. In addition, use names when describing the props in your scenery, when you talk about things like the stove, take us there and let us see it.

The old kitchen was very large by today’s standards; it ran the full length of the eastern side of the house with a roofed breezeway between it and the great-room. Its ceilings where fifteen feet above the floor, they were gray from the smoke that coughed from the Sears and Roebuck Eureka stove, I could see its flickering wood fires through the open vents on the side of its porcelain blue, and yellow, cast-iron body. It would sometime belch a bit of smoke when the wind blew just right causing my eyes to water. but I didn’t move as I loved the smells of Grandmom’s bread as it baked in its oven, it made my mouth drool the entire time I sat in my chair below the wood-framed, sash-drawn, window that overlooked the yard between the house and the old clothes line. It was just below that same bare wood window that I first spied my arch nemesis, that feathered demon from Sheol, Brooster the Rooster.

Again, your story is ok, with just a comma or two; it can be submitted as is. But, if you have time, I think you can get way more passion in it, someday I will put pen to paper about the first time a mounted, ‘Buck’ my dad’s seventeen hand tall rodeo house, I was a little bit older then five, but he was as rangy as they come, and I wasn’t suppose to be on him. However, I just had to do it, even though I knew Buck hated me. Oh well, I digress you don’t want to hear about me, you wanted feedback on your efforts. I don’t know if any of my ramblings made any sense to you. You might not think that a man could scribble so many words and wonder if he offered a coherent thought. If you can find anything that helps spark you on then perhaps, I helped, anyway that’s my prayer for this evening.

Best wishes,

Joey C.

P.S. it’s OK to tell me, “Joey your are so full of Crap.”
106
106
Review of Unlucky Shortcut  
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Connie.

I am new to this forum; I only today decided to join, hoping I could learn a few new things, as my own writing skills needs more polish. (So, says my editor) I have written many different things and even had a few published, (Periodicals in some trades back in my working days, my first novel won’t be released until this fall.) but technical writing is so different from fiction story telling, which is my new passion.

This is only the second entry on Writing.com I have read, and I am not sure what context your entry is presented. (I am still trying to learn how to navigate this site.) so I will offer my review (more aptly my impression) based on how it made me feel and what I gleaned from its content. My comments are sincerely meant as constructive opinion; on the work please do not take anything personal.

First, I am assuming that since you have bolded the words Elbow, Rattle and Bracelet then this is some contest entry, to use these words in a short story, if that is indeed the case, then Kudos on the effort.

I gleaned from the title your subject had car trouble and one vague line thus the reason he was moving through the woods. But you might have put some action in the story body, better indicating this. Maybe he could have been wiping the grease off his hands as he walked. I get beat up repeatedly about “Show don’t tell”. There’s a pretty good explanation in Wikipedia though it is always easier to tell someone they need to do this then to do it ourselves. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don't_tel

There is no explanation as to how a Pygmy rattler was able to bite its victim on the elbow; He would have had to be sitting on the ground or have fallen, to be accessible to the snake. I only point this out because I have learned that little imperfections in feasibility or possibility distract the reader. I am told by my mentors, that these types of inconsistencies kill a story’s momentum. As a southern boy, I have known about and interacted with hundreds of Pigmy rattlesnakes. They are very small, (only 14 to 22 inches) their Rattle is also very small and is rarely heard, and they rarely bite humans even in self-defense. A bite on the elbow is not likely to happen due to their very small mouths (they eat mice, moles and very small birds). The southeastern Diamondback would have been a better choice, more-over because its venom is much more potent and it is more frightening, though even this snake’s bite takes hours to become life threatening.

You gave no picture of the victim; I had no empathy because I didn’t know anything about him, other then his gender. For character to become real, we must be able to step into their shoes either as ourselves or see them as someone we know.

The cell-phone malfunction could have been better shown with action (the dreaded “Show not tell” adage) maybe something like ‘He slapped the black screened cell-phone against his palm but still it refused to stay on, displaying Low battery before going black again.’ Telling us that he knew the battery was old did nothing to advance the story

Most people when along do not verbalize their thoughts, that requires work that we simply don’t do, his dialog should have remained as thought and been in Italics rather then quotations.

His knees giving way has he lost consciousness only matters if he was standing, and if he was then you have the opportunity to build more drama with the fall to the pine needles.

Your scene break is witnessed with three non-standard characters. (~~~) This can sometimes cause problems when you change to Manuscript format, most editors seem to prefer a plain, single, asterisk. (*) using formatting outside of the norm is highly frowned upon.

There were other problems like, Joey almost falling over the unknown snakebite victim, underbrush in southern pinewoods is mostly palmetto palms and they grow very thick and a woods savvy youngster like Joey won’t suffer surprise footing.

There is the problem that how did the EMT’s know where they where. There were a couple of SPAG issues (Spelling, Punctuation And Grammar) also one of my common issue in my writing. I write and rewrite everything I do, and after much editing, I hand my prized pose to my wife or friend and they still find plenty of places to put red marks.
Hee-hee-hee, guess that’s why we have to pay for those line and copy editors.

Please do not take my long-winded critique too serious as it’s easy to pick someone else’s work apart, if only I was as good at seeing like issues in my own work. I wouldn’t have needed to spend the $4,000 on my last book’s editing.

I hope anything I noticed helps, it would be very cool if one of us became famous, then we could say, “I knew him (or her) when!”

Best wishes,
Joey C.
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