member to Member Signature #1746733
Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!
I like the story. I would like, however, to see you get the rating up to the level you deserve. In the beginning, I see that you are trying to leave things unsaid, assume intelligence in your reader, and reveal the story in stages. Don't. You can do a lot more 'Show don't tell' by telling some. In the beginning you are looking for a way to do this:( I think. I am not in your mind, I have just had this before) try : Teresa sensed a presence she hadknown for a long time, forever maybe. A few seconds later the presence walked through the doorway. He always seemed to turn every head in a room, command with his undeniable presence. Not this time.
Obviously your words are probably between. But you see how it is tighter. Thes people are your story, and we the readers want to get to know them, love them and hate them. Great start. If I can help, or anyone in the group, goto your port. top of page, and you should be able to connect with the group.CSFS
Hope to see you around...j_darling...Jeff
http://www.writing.com/main/images/item_id/1759088...
Tiger;
I have to say I have never seen this type of story, Genre,and first and foremost, this means you have something original. There are a lot of rules that go with that, and they don't go with it for no reason. They are needed. But the thing you have, right now, that many authors would love to have and do not.
A new and original idea. I see where you want to go, so let me offer you three things.
First; Slow Down- get a clear idea what the story is that you want to tell, and tell us .
Second; Tell us who these characters are. They have personalities, fears, strengths.
Third; Give us an intro, tell us the story, give us an ending, where we get to care about who and what these guys are.
Good luck, and if you get stuck, email me...J_darling
It has a meter and a rhythm that build to a finale. I really like it. I would have been a different man had someone ever said this to me. I am given to flights of fancy, but these words move me to flights of spirit and salvation. Who ever this is for is a very lucky person. Do not hesitate to give it. This will win a heart in a special way. It may expose you more than you like, but it will never allow the one to whom it goes to turn from you.
I am not big on looking for grammar and such, just so you know. I found it to be a compelling, well-told story. I have been paying particular attention to flow of the writing lately and I found I didn't get stuck anywhere or experience any dry spots. the whole meter flowed well. Really nice story. Thanks
What a nice story. You are a good writer. Your characters were very real in a fantasy way, and your story was very nice. In fact, I think you need another half point.Good job. I think it is saleable.
Jeff Darling
You did pretty well after the first three verses, and I get that it was hard to work around the keywords. If you rework the first part to match the second, it could be pretty good, at least a 3.5. Like how a skull gloats, and who the others were that would run? I liked it after the first part, but the rules tell me I have to be honest. ...Jeff
I have to admit, when I saw the opening, I thought youhad no setup and that just blating things out there was awful. I am glad I stayed with it. I don't think the intro is literature, but you definitely tell a hell of a story. You had me with you the whole time. your character was somewhat real, I cared about him more than I would have thought. You need a little smoothing out of your intro though, but, good story.
Very nice. I heard your pain in this, I you miss someone. I would have liked to hear an association with something deeper. I could definitely hear you looking for the trn of phrase that would bring it out. I like the poem. I am close to loving it. make me.
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