Beautiful piece of writing here sinbad! Very emotional and moving. What kind of style of writing is this? It's almost poetic and fictional.
I particularly liked:
You are walking again in that red dress, it could be a flash of lightening in human-form, it could be a fingerprint from a dream that came before I did,
you are as the dying sun and the half-birthed moon, a moon from the another night, when they played the song for the first time, you circle my limbs and when we reach the tree, I kiss you breathlessly – you seem to climb into my head, like you found the room where you’d left a piece behind,
when we return to the shed it’s the dark that surrounds us and a primeval longing fills the floor of the world – we know we are on our astral ways before the restaurant’s offer succor.
I'll be reading more and hope you the same. I've updated my novella quite a but and I hope you'll notice the improvements.
I loved reading this interactive story so much that I decided to add a chapter myself which I hope the author will like and others too! The story was gripping from the get-go and just plain old fun! Let's see how others continue it now shall we! That should definitely make things interesting.
Holy christ man....!!! A bit bloody intense... you had me at Samantha with this one! No a flaw I could see other than a tiny thing which is probably not even wrong, which is when Pierre says "you" and I think it would sound better with "you've":
"Sam, you have blossomed into such a wonderful performer. I know that you can do this. You know every trick that I do and your stage presence is nothing short of perfection. You got this."
Other than that, bloody brilliant and seriously horrible ending... poor Samantha. So tell me? Is this Pierre guy a real magician then, what's his deal?
Hello there. Good attempt! I do have to say however, I didn't quite get if this was a story or just you writing down your holiday. Is this part of a short story or novel? You may just want to explain this piece a little more so people can review it more easily and help you. There's lots of grammatical mistakes and an excessive and incorrect use of comas, etc. But for a foreigner, it's a very good attempt indeed. I sincerely hope you the best and continue writing and you will simply get better and better as you go!
Extremely well written, the narrative flowing gently, so that I didn't so much have to pause once. It was just enough narrative and a perfect balance of detail and dialogue. You clearly have that talent I can tell at writing with simplicity, not overdoing things or vice versa, which is a complement, not a negative.
Would love to find out what legacy Lucile does bring about!
Very nice, very nice indeed. I was very drawn into the beginning characters, jensen and the Old Man. Very mysterious that fellow was and you created that very well. There was a sublte humor to the story too which I liked. I did get a little lost somehow from the moment bear-man is outside and then suddenly inside with the old man, but may just have been me. Otherwise, the narrative, dialogue and detail of the surroundings, etc was brilliant, almost poetic in fact. I could learn a lot from your style.
The plot itself was intriguing and I felt I wanted to follow the story and this strange book, follow the characters and their story.
Well done I say!
I loved this, in every way. I love fantasy, sci-fi and a bit of satire and humour and to me, it had it all. Was obviously very long, and I didn't read in total detail I'll be honest.
The main character, Tina is awesome. I felt for her a real connection and her story and the way you write the action, world-building, etc was great.
All I will say is throw in even more detail of the world you've created, the characters and scenes as you do it well. Overall, I would say the dialogue overwhelmed the narrative and detail, so if you add more in it should balance it out!
This seems like a real piece of work you put together. I'll definitely follow up and check out Vol 1 and 2.
Keep it up! And PLEASE check out my book/novella. "Invalid Item" - Kelly
"Invalid Item" - Why I Did It
Nice, powerful message in that. I really sensed you wanted to communicate the message through your text. I'm not a poet myself, so can't critique on the style, but it seemed a little informal, but then again haven't a clue. I enjoyed it though, made me think!
Lovely, interesting and makes one think! Which is what writing and poetry is all about at the end of the day. Good job. Check out SorOl author for some blow away poetry.
Honestly, this was excellent! No kidding, I'm a huge fantasy fan and this chapter gripped my right away, the detail to the action was great and flowed very well. My first impression (having not read any previous chapters) was "this sounds like a great story to read in full".
I really liked the setting of the world and narrative. Threw me in the world you were describing.
There were a few mistakes in grammar, wrong words here and there, but very little and not enough to get in the way of the story telling.
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