blue jellybaby's (joanne4eva) Reviews

blue jellybaby

Review Requests: OFF

3,537 Public Reviews Given

4,150 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!

I'm good at...

I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!

Favorite Genres

Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.

Favorite Item Types

Statics - fiction.

101

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#3977810

Review of Phoenix Rising

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Jeff! I hit the review button looking for something to read when this popped up. I'm looking forward to finding out what it's about.

Storyline: Woah talk about a grabbing opening! Way to go. This was a really interesting piece. I wasn't sure where it would go or how but you've made him a human phoenix. He relives his life over and over, whether by curse or not, the reader doesn't know. The important thing to know if that he's sick of his life but no matter how hard he tries to end it, it just won't happen.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace throughout.

Characters: Casper is the main character here. Interesting name choice! He's an old man tired of his life and ready to move onto something else. I do feel kind of sorry for him here. He seems like a nice guy forced to endure a life over and over.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was quite dark and showed the thoughts within his mind as he contemplated what he was about to do.

What I liked: This was a really interesting concept! Very creative

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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102

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#3977798

Review of The Silly Piece of Paper

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Norky! I'm here with a review of this piece as part of your Lightning Package gifted by taliah_l

I chose to read this piece because the idea it was written from the point of view of a piece of paper was really intriguing!

Storyline: This is a really fun and interesting piece. It strikes me as the perfect little story for kids to read and it's really creative in terms of the perspective and the imagination that comes from this.

I enjoyed reading this piece and I think plenty of kids will too. Have you shown it to any?

Characters: The Silly Piece of Paper is the main character here. It's awesome to find out what a piece of paper thinks and indeed, what it's hopes and dreams are for the future.

Setting: The setting changes in this piece and you handle it well.

Atmosphere and tone: This was fun and lighthearted and had a nice ending too.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

One general suggestion I'd like to make is that usually after a full stop there's a space before the next sentence starts. I know it only sounds like a small thing but it just makes it a little easier to read.

I'd also suggest separating your paragraphs by a line space.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

103

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#3977328

Review of my one and only true love

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I hit the review button looking for something to read and this popped up, so here I am! I'm not usually one for poetry but I'll give it a go.

What I liked:

I know that poetry is very personal to each person and can come in a multitude of forms, but as it sits on this page right now, it reminds me of a monologue rather than a poem. The narrator is asking a lot of questions to oneself and questioning the love of someone. If you want this to be a poem I'd suggest making sure it looks a little like one which would include having separate lines and perhaps stanzas too.

This piece strikes me as someone asking whether love is real and true and doubting this as someone else is constantly there. It gives the impression of three being a crowd. I don't want to assume too much but this is what I got from it. Is this the case?

It's quite raw and emotional, just an outpouring of feelings and I like it for that.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

Something I would say is that you need to take another look at the punctuation in particular in this piece. IT disrupts the flow a lot and I found myself spotting the mistakes rather than the piece.

For example, you wrote:

'you realize how I truly feel.if you love me why is she still here?'

Here you need a space after the full stop and then a capital letter. It might not seem like a lot but it will help to tidy it up.

'you realize how I truly feel. If you love me why is she still here?'

I'd also make sure there are no comma splices. Those occur when two complete sentences are joined together. Take a read and make sure all of your commas need to be there.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

104

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#3977310

Review of Love and Hot Water

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I saw that you were looking for readers and reviewers for this piece so I decided to drop by. I think what interested me was the combination of title and description because I think we all have an idealistic view of what love is but I'd like to see what you really think it means.

What I liked:

I realise you wrote this in 2012 but I think it still bears a lot of relevance. I really enjoyed reading this piece. It introduced your thoughts on the matter of love and then, gave the reader your own personal anecdote of what love means to you. I have to say that I have to agree with you here. I don't have the hot water problem here but I think in general, it's those little sacrifices that mean so much. Doing things for others you wouldn't normally do and let me tell you, I'm not sure I could take a cold shower for anyone! Maybe I'm like your wife like that!

I really liked the part you included from the conversation with your dad. Marriage is a life long binding and though I wouldn't necessarily see it as a job, I can see where some people would.

This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace. It gave a good balance between your thoughts and the actions involved. It also shows me what sort of person you are.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It gave me a chance to get a glimpse of you as a person, your relationship and some of your personal views. I have to say kudos to you for having that cold shower and that I hope you and your wife are still enjoying wedded bliss.

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

105

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#3976742

Review of The Deep Sleep of a Disney Princess

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when I spotted this piece. I don't normally read a lot of poetry but with this piece being about Disney princesses (which I love too!) I had to read.

What I liked:

It's a nice piece in which you put into poetry the story of Sleeping Beauty. The way she pricked her finger on a spinning needle and then what happened after that when the prince came to save her and wake her up. You also write about what happens after, their wedding and so on, which I liked.

This piece is written in free verse which I tend to like more as it allows complete freedom of expression. I think it does well here and allows the reader to be with her as she falls asleep and then awakens from her prince. The stanzas are too free which I think works well. I do feel it meant there wasn't a steady flow to the piece but it still worked well.

This piece definitely had a very fairy tale feel to it and I think you captured the essence of that well throughout. It was written quite eloquently with a lot of very descriptive and emotive words which helped the reader find their way within the context of the poem too.

One thing I would suggest is perhaps taking off double spacing. I found it a little more difficult to read and follow because of this (probably because I'm not used to it) but of course that's just a personal preference.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

106

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#3976726

Review of GI Joe

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when I spotted this. Both the title and description intrigued me and it promised quite a lot!

Storyline: I have to say I wasn't disappointed. I enjoyed reading this piece and do find that it does contain all of the above. I might suggest changing the description so it tells the reader more about what's in the actual story rather than the emotions they might find, but that's just a thought

It was quite a deep and disturbing piece. A person throws a boy's baby brother into a pond. It seems that all the kid cares about is his GI Joe that went down with him. Of course, this wasn't let go easily and when the body was found the man went to jail.

I have to say I'm glad he got caught out. While I enjoyed reading this I found myself wondering why he would do such a thing? Also, how old was he when he did this?

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well throughout and moved at a good pace for a flash fiction piece

Characters: The killer and the little boy are the main characters here. We get to know that the killer is obviously quite disturbed.

Setting: This takes place in a garden somewhere. There's not a lot of description of the background but I think that's fine for a short piece.

Atmosphere and tone: As I said this piece had a disturbing undertone.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

107

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#3975084

Review of Pumpkins And Long Johns

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item"

that was bought for you by your secret haunter!

Initial hook and title: I chose this piece because of the unusual title. It intrigued me!

Storyline: This is told from the point of view of a doctor who is giving couples counselling to Mary and Joe who just can't seem to see eye to eye about the pumpkin! It's a fun little piece that had me wanting to read on to see the solution.

With those underlined words I assume these were the prompts. You did a good job of getting them in there!

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

POV and tense: This was written from the point of view of the doctor of counselling. It works well because it then shows Mary and Joe in their full argument.

Characters: Mary and Joe are indeed a funny couple. But at the same time, really quite sweet. They've been together for a lot of years and they can't see past something simple like this and it's tearing them apart. I do think that this probably happens quite a lot in relationships and I'm glad that the doctor was there to help them out.

Setting: I think this must take place in the doctor's office but there's no real mention of setting. I think that's fine though as it's story/dialogue driven.

Atmosphere and tone: Fun and lighthearted.

Dialogue: The dialogue worked well and felt natural. Punctuation wise it threw me a little. The speech marks should come directly after the speech ends and the punctuation there and there should be a space before the next bit starts. I pointed one out below but I noticed it a couple of times.

What I liked: This was a fun little piece in which you characterised Mary and Joe well.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

108

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#3973374

Review of Short Stories and poems

for entry "Deadman's Hill Rated 13+"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket that Elle - on hiatus

bought for you from "Invalid Item"

with the message 'Thanks for bidding on my item in the "P.E.N.C.I.L."

auction.

Initial hook and title: Hey I thought I'd stop in for one more tonight. I found this collection and when I spotted the title of this piece, I knew I had to read it!

Storyline: This is a story told from the narrators point of view about a day that happened a lot of years ago on Deadman's Hill. I get the impression that it's a biographical story though nothing indicates that so forgive me if it isn't.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well throughout. It felt a little slow paced but I think that was because the memory was recalled and the narrator told this rather than the reader seeing it happen.

POV and tense: I noticed a couple of places where the tenses get slightly mixed up so it could benefit from another read.

Characters: The narrator is the one telling the story as he remembers it from being a kid and wearing his favourite t-shirt on that chilly day.

Setting: This takes palce on Deadman's Hill. You set the scene well.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

109

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#3973355

Review of True Grit Scene Spoof

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket that Elle - on hiatus

bought for you from "Invalid Item"

with the message 'Thanks for bidding on my item in the "P.E.N.C.I.L."

auction

Initial hook and title: I'm stopping in with another review while I have some time! I remember watching this film so I think seeing the spoof will work well

Storyline: This is spoof of the moment John Wayne is making True Grit and everytime his line comes up, a loud horn blares to stop the word from coming out. Quite a fun little piece!

Pacing and flow: This piece had a bit of a distruptive flow due to the change in tense throughout. It threw me a little.

POV and tense: This piece changes between past and present tense. It disrupts the flow. I would suggest having a read through and making sure you stay consistent with one tense.

Characters: John Wayne. I can picture him just as his is in his movies!

Setting: This takes place on a film set. You set the scene well.

Atmosphere and tone: This is a fun and lighthearted piece.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

110

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#3973352

Review of Take Your Son to Work

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket that Elle - on hiatus

bought for you from "Invalid Item"

with the message 'Thanks for bidding on my item in the "P.E.N.C.I.L."

auction

Initial hook and title: I decided to read this piece because the title caught my eye and then when I read the description I saw that it would be a pretty funny piece!

Storyline: This story is one where a man takes his son to work one day only he works as a bank robber! Very interesting idea for a story

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

Characters: I think my favourite was the little boy. So naive and innocent, you painted him well. And I guess I felt a little sorry for the bank robber, though it seemed he had the patience of a saint!

Setting: This takes place in the bank.

Atmosphere and tone: Very lighthearted and fun!

Dialogue: This story is written entirely in dialogue. You do well with this and manage to get across the whole of the scene complete with rising and falling action, using only dialogue. It's well done and the dialogue reads and flows naturally.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

111

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#3971181

Review of Joel

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Grum! I wanted to come and return the review you did for me

I chose this piece because writing entirely in dialogue always fascinates me.

Storyline: This story tells the conversation between a mum and son who are talking about his great gran. He is learning a lot about life. Nice mention of WdC there! It's a tough subject you've chosen but it works well to empahsise the maturity he has.

I'm not sure you need the 'JOEL' at the beginning there. His name is used in the conversation.

Pacing and flow: this piece flowed fine and moved the story throughout.

Characters: Joel and his mum are the main characters here. The reader sees how Joel is beginning to grow up and get a better grasp of reality. His mum is a really understanding and patient woman.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was quite sombre because of the nature and that came across in the tone of the conversation.

Dialogue: This piece was written entirely in dialogue. Although it worked well and flowed naturally, I felt like there were too many places where they said each others name. I would say that it's definitely needed at the beginning to ground the reader but perhaps not so much after that but it's just a thought.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

112

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#3970754

Review of Liam Neeson Doesn't Need MY Euros

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: When I saw the title of this piece, I couldn't resist stopping by for a read! I love Liam Neeson.

Storyline: This was a really fun and lighthearted short story about a particular bull who goes travelling overseas to Ireland and finds that Liam Neeson is speaking to him on the flight.

Characters: Yourself, Hooves, is the main character. The story is told from Hooves' point of view so it works well.

Setting: A plane going to Ireland. You set the scene well.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

113

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#3970716

Review of Whispering Walls

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item"

that you bought with the gift certificate from Princess Zelda

.

Initial hook and title: Interesting title, has me wondering what the walls could be saying...

Storyline: What an opening sentence! It introduces the main character and his personality and it packs a punch too. Flint is trying to disprove the myth of Friday 13th and does everything he can to do this, but what he learns is much much worse.

This is an interesting and very unique piece. I didn't see this coming but I don't expect I would have been able to. It's intricately woven and well written for such a short piece.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at the right pace.

Characters: Flint is the main character in this piece and he doesn't believe in all of the Friday 13th supersitions and he wants to prove everyone wrong.

Setting: This takes place in the mansion that he died in years before. You set the scene well throughout.

Atmosphere and tone: You build the suspense well in this piece and have the reader along for the ride.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

114

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#3969391

Review of The Dream That Lived

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hi Jenny

Some wonderful person posted this on their newsfeed with a suggestion that EVERYBODY reads it and I always listen to instruction

When I saw what the description was I was horrified! A world without Writing.com?! It would be terrible.

Storyline: What a truly awesome read! Imagine a world without the technology we have today yet still, writingdotcom has managed to weather the storm and is there loud and proud. I absolutely loved this story (and it certainly help that there was mention of a certain jellybaby!) I think it was just so creative and unique, honestly, just awesome!

Characters: Lots of our regulars are in here including yourself, and magnificent poet, and Fran, co-leader of Addicted to WdC

Very unique. Just a thought but you could maybe use links within this just to highlight it a little more.

Setting: Writingdotcom - the physical place. How awesome would that be if we had a permanent meet and greet hut?!

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

115

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#3968762

Review of Happy Accidents

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hey!

This is a Addicted to WdC Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: ' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item"

that you bought with the gift certificate from Princess Zelda

Storyline: This is a really sweet story. It took me along for the ride and I have to say, I was desperate to find out what happened. A man finds a wallet, Valerie Chapman's, and he becomes quite obsessed with finding her. Compelled almost. They meet the next day in the place she dropped the wallet and it seems there is more than just pure chance that the two should meet.

What an interesting take on the prompt. You manage to write a good story in such a short space of time, keeping the reader involved and answering all of the questions too.

Pacing and flow: The flow of this was good and it moved at a good pace, including narration and dialogue and a good mix of internal thoughts too.

POV and tense: It is written in the first person point of view in present tense. It works well to keep the reader's attention and bring them deeper into the story.

Characters: The main character is Donovan, a widowed man after losing his wife to cancer. It seems he's quite wealthy if his eighteen bedroom home is anything to judge by but he seems like a nice guy. And Valerie seems like a nice gal too.

Setting: You set the scene well throughout this giving snippets of description.

Atmosphere and tone: Mystery and compulsion and romance. Good mix.

Dialogue: The dialogue used was well written and felt natural to the story.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of "WDC Addicts Anonymous"

!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

116

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#3966774

Review of Mightier Than The Pen

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I've had this saved on my list of things to read until I had time to stop by. Both the title and description were really intriguing.

Storyline: Wow what a read! Cameron looks for his inspiration in very unique places and has never been caught out or hurt. But it looks like the pen he uses is certainly much mightier than he thought as it takes control.

When I opened this up I wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't quite this! It was grisly and dark and just right. I really enjoyed reading it and now, it makes perfect sense that the title is what it is.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and was set at a good pace, bringing the reader through the story with Cameron.

Characters: Cameron Lomax is the main character here. He's a writer, someone who gets inspiration in the dark places of the human body and it also seems, can't take criticism. Doesn't make for a good concoction!

Setting: The setting changes within this story but you set it well everytime so the reader is with him.

Atmosphere and tone: Very dark and disturbing!

What I liked:

What a great way to end the story, wtih reference to his death as well as writing!

'There was a horrible gurgling sound, and then he fell forward face first into his journal, driving the pen all the way home as it dotted the final sentence of his life.'

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

117

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#3966319

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 29 - Epilogue "

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Well here we are at the final review. I'm going to read and review the chapter as I would then offer some overall comments about the novel.

Storyline: This chapter is set a little in the future. Toni is studying for her calculus exam in a cafe when her friend comes in. I got the impression that perhaps her and Micah hadn't lasted as you mention her having a 'new love'. Maybe you could re-read this bit and just change it slightly to make sure the reader gets the right impression. They chat a while and her friend gives her a magazine with Micah's published story in. She's really excited. Then a magnificent bunch of flowers arrive for her too with Micah right behind them.

This chapter brings together the ending and tells the reader about the painting, how it was real and that Micah found it. It did leave me wondering why he didn't go looking for the treasure instead of handing it in?

Pacing and flow: The pacing and flow of this chapter were good. They were calm and let the ending pull up around the reader in conclusion.

POV and tense: The tense in this chapter is fine too.

Characters: We see Micah and Toni are still in love at the very end and I have to say I'm glad. I guess I knew they'd make it, after all, they were meant to be.

Setting: This takes place in the cafe Toni is studying in. While you set the scene you do it in a way that almost an information overload at the very beginning. Try taking those details and dispersing them amongst the rest of the chapter.

Atmosphere and tone: All wrapped up!

Line by line suggestions: ▼

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

Okay, I promised an overall impression of the novel here. I have to say, that while I really enjoyed the story towards the end the beginning of the novel was so slow that it almost put me off reading. That's something you have to consider because you want your readers to be hanging on every word and clamouring for more. As it stands, I felt there was too much emphasis put on the chapters about the prom and concerns around it. It was very repetitive and if I'm honest, though I can accept there would be a level of anxiety, I wouldn't have thought that much to warrant such a reaction from both of them. Especially over something like Micah not knowing her friends. He had met them before and was fine and teenagers are usually okay after the initial social awkwardness.

I liked the main characters. I thought they were well suited to each other. However, I did feel that sometimes (particularly Toni) acted out of character. She seems very sweet and docile and I'm not sure she would swear or that she would punch someone. It didn't feel right to me at all. Consistency with characters is key as you want your reader to identify with them. Maybe try creating character sketches for your main characters so you have a reference to go back to.

The Presence is something that left me a little confused. While I understood that it was Micah's older self coming back to talk to him and advise, I felt that it too was quite inconsistent. I think it would have been fine if it showed up in certain situations or under certain emotions but often Micah would look for it and it wouldn't be there or he would be wanting peace and it would. Also, I think the way in which you show the voice could really be improved. I would suggest that when Micah and the Presence are having a conversation you use the italics to differentiate between that and the narrative. It would make it much clearer for the reader and usually, that's how thoughts and shown throughout narrative. I also was left with a question about it. Why did the Presence come to him? I know it happened after the dream but why?

Show v tell. I found that throughout your novel you have told most of the story rather than shown. It makes it hard for the reader to really get into the story and identify with the characters. If you go back and re-read or edit I think you really need to consider how certain scenes and moments would make the characters feel and show the reader through their emotions, actions and thoughts. Just telling the reader what happens and how and how it made the characters feel means the reader can't get truly close.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966318

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 28"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: I can't help but want the rest now!

Storyline: This is the end of the line. After everything that has happened, the two sit in the back of an ambulance, ignoring the apologies of Emily and holding each other. Micah finally admits to her what the presence is and shows her. They talk for a while before the older Micah is gone forever. I think makes a nice conclusion to the story and is just how I imagine it would be. Perhaps you could extend it with questioning from the police, talking to the paramedics, their parents (who I'm sure are very worried).

Pacing and flow: I think this was a nicely paced piece and it was just right for the ending of a novel. It slowed things down again and it felt right.

POV and tense: The pov and tense all remained consistent within this chapter.

Characters: Here we see the final moments of the older Micah. It seems like he's still a good guy and willing to help out where he can.

Setting: This takes place in the back of the ambulance. I think a little more description would really paint this scene for the reader. What does it look like in there? What's it like outside? Are there lots of people around? Is it busy?

Atmosphere and tone: This was a nice lulling chapter to end the novel. I do think you could really show the reader here and let them inside of Micah's mind and emotions. After all, he's been through a big event and the reader wants to identify how he's feeling.

Dialogue: Much of the dialogue here is between Micah and Toni. Again they are telling each other they love each other and don't get me wrong, it's sweet, but pretty repetitive.

What I liked: This ending in the bathroom where the older Micah leaves him was quite a nice scene. I think it was well done and the fact that he wanted to use a mirror to do it worked well.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966205

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 27"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: I'm back with another review! The momentum is going and it's taking me with it. We're at the climax now and I really want to see what happens and whether the characters will be okay.

Storyline: This is the climax of the story. It has all the characters coming together in Kiliaen's office. There is a dramatic scene with high tension and a gun is fired.

I have to say I'm glad Micah managed to get himself and Toni out of harm's way. I'm glad to know he's okay.

Pacing and flow: The flow of this chapter was good. It was set at a good pace and full of action which kept it moving.

Reading this chapter I've just realised that the whole story has taken place over a weekend. While that length of time for such a story is quite realistic, it made me also realise how much the pace of the plot was very slow, especially the beginning with the build up to the prom. I think you need to either speed up the pace at the beginning or lengthen the time over which the story takes place.

Characters: Here we see how truly mad Kiliaen is. I hadn't thought of him as being mad before but now it's clear to see. If you wanted the reader to being to suspect at this I think you need to include more foreshadowing.

Setting: This all takes place in Kiliaen's office. The description is fine for the chapter as the action is the main focus.

Atmosphere and tone: This is a lot of action and suspense in this chapter. It had me reading and reading to find out what would happen.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966175

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 26"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: After the last quite intense chapter with Toni, I wanted to stop by again to see what happened.

Storyline: This chapter opens with Micah on his way to pick Toni up and looking forward to seeing her. I feel like the timing for this chapter is a little out. In the previous chapter Toni was just beginning her shift and now, it seems this is the end of her shift and they're saying she only left with the men in suits a few minutes ago. Surely it would have been hours ago? And maybe Clayton's nose wouldn't still be so bloody?

Anyway, Micah takes off hoping to look for Toni when he's accosted by two men outside. They make him drive and take him (I think) to the same place as Toni is headed: to see Kiliaen.

Pacing and flow: The pacing of this chapter was good. The story kept moving throughout and left me wanting to read on.

POV and tense: I didn't catch any tense slip ups in this chapter and it certainly helped the flow of the piece. Well done.

Characters: Here we are seeing the main characters at separate times. All Micah can think about is Toni, he's worried about her. Toni is showing no fear (I'm not really sure this would be a true reflection of her feelings though). The goons are feeling remorseful about what they're doing but they're still doing it anyway.

Setting: The setting in this chapter changes throughout but I think you need to add a little more description here and there just to paint the scene for the reader.

Atmosphere and tone: There was quite a bit of suspense here with the rising action. It leaves me wanting to read more to find out what will happen now.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966169

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 25"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I'm back for another review

The action is rising and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens.

Storyline: The story opens with Toni at work. She's dropped off by her mum and looking forward to getting picked up by Micah later on. Things go wrong from the minute she walks through the door however when Clayton accosts her, looking to make another proclamation of love. He gets angry and begins to get abusive and violent when the goons step in and act as though they're rescuing Toni when in actual fact they are kidnapping her.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and stayed with the action of the story.

POV and tense: I noticed a few slip ups where you've changed between tenses. I pointed them out below.

Characters: I have to say I didn't see this coming with Toni. I didn't think the girl had it in her to be so aggressive and assertive. Maybe it felt a little out of character for her because in the past we've seen nothing but a gentle side, positive and caring.

Setting: This takes place at Toni's work. I think you could add a little more description to let the reader really see what it looks and feels like.

Atmosphere and tone: I think you captured the tension quite well here with Toni's fear but you could amplify it by having the reader see her thoughts and emotions. Her physical reactions too. I mean, she must have been terrified. Did she feel sick? How were her legs?

Dialogue: The dialogue works fine and serves to move the story forward at a good pace.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966068

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 24"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This chapter starts out with Kiliaen. He's realyl frustrated that he still hasn't got the painting and it's starting to show. He sends his goons out to search Micah's room. I have to say that I found it was a little too easy that the house was empty. Would it have been in reality? I mean, you had someone take the dogs out for the day. You could draw it out a little, add a little suspense when they're breaking in.

The last part of the chapter is with Phillips as he's taken to face Kiliaen once more.

Pacing and flow: This chapter flows nicely and brings the reader along for the ride.

POV and tense: I just noticed a slip up with the tense so just to be mindful of that.

Characters: We see a lot of Kiliaen's goons in this chapter. Although we've had regular times with them before this was quite extended and really showed their personality and thoughts a bit.

Kiliaen himself is getting very angry and a little out of control with the whole situation.

Setting: I think you could add a little more description in to show the reader what it all looks/feels like.

Atmosphere and tone: There was a little suspense here but as I mentioned above, I really think you could play on this.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966064

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 23"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: The story opens with Kiliaen having read Micah's story (which I assume was his dream) and being very mad about it. He's worried about someone else knowing about the painting.

We then spend most of the chapter with Micah as he speaks with his teacher about his story, gets followed without knowing and then speaks to a professor about the voice he's been hearing.

I did feel that the ending of this chapter left me with a question:

Why does the professor seem to automatically know that the Presence is Micah in an older form? It offers no explanation and I think the reader will want one.

Pacing and flow: This piece flows well and takes the reader through the chapter at a good pace.

POV and tense: I caught one tense slip up so just be mindful of that.

Characters: Again we meet another new character here, Professor DeMuth. Although I think he's a likeable character perhaps we could have some reference to him earlier in the novel. Perhaps Ewa could talk about a lecture he gave?

Atmosphere and tone: This has a little more tension as we see how angry Kiliaen is and what he's willing to do.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966058

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 22"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Hey I'm stopping in with another review

Storyline: With the beginning of this chapter, the reader is back with Micah. He gave a short story to one of his teachers to read and to add it for extra credit. When he leaves, the reader sees the teacher Mrs Cleary shaking. It seems she knows about the painting too.

After the phone call between Emily and Kiliaen, the story moves to Micah again. He is discussing the prom with his friend Alexandria.

It almost seems like the painting is the subplot to the story but I think you intended it to be the main storyline. I would suggest adding more emphasis to this and less to the discussions of love and romance. Either that or class it as a romance genre.

POV and tense:

Characters: Emily Cleary is a new teacher introduced to us here. She's a teacher and a good one who has a lot of awards in journalism. She's also the cousin of Kiliaen which is a twist of events I didn't see coming. I would say that perhaps she could be brought in earlier in the story because as it stands, it almost feels like she was just brought in for convenience. If he's close to her, mention her earlier. You could maybe have him showing her another piece of writing or talking to her after class. Just a little something for foreshadowing.

Alexandria Black is also introduced to us here. She appears to be a close friend of Micah but again, it's someone we haven't heard of until now. It's clear that they're just friends but I think if that's the case and she's an important part in his life, she needs tp be brought in earlier in the novel. Perhaps they can have conversations about Micah and Toni's relationship?

Setting: The setting changes and again I would say we need a little more description to really paint the scene.

Atmosphere and tone: At this point in the novel I was expecting a little more tension than there is. I think the phone call between Emily and Kiliaen worked well to add a little bit there as now we know he has bad intentions for Micah.

Dialogue: There is a lot of dialogue in this chapter and it works well to move the story forward.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3966042

Review of The Tale of Joe's Remote

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Joy, I saw this featured in one of the recent newsletters and though poetry isn't my strong point, I had to stop by!

What I liked:

This was a really fun read! The blurb at the beginning really sets the scene (I still can't believe two elderly men were fighting over the TV remote) and then you dive right into the ballad-style poem.

It tells the story of Joe who spends most of his life in front of the TV, hogging the remote and growling at his wife! What a picture this painted in my mind. But as he got older and unable to look after himself he moved to a nursing home but the one thing he couldn't bear to part with was his beloved remote.

I think it's really great you took such a lighthearted news item and turned it into this piece. I'm glad I stopped by to read it, you had me smiling throughout.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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