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99 Public Reviews Given
101 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am probably a better editor than I am a writer at this moment (something that I am working on). Two things I enjoy are reading and giving my opinion. That having been said, my style is honest but kind. I will always see potential in a piece and try to bring out the author's strengths.
I'm good at...
Spotting grammar issues and aligning inconsistencies in plot and character. Providing an objective, reader perspective that might not have occurred to the author.
Favorite Genres
That's tough; I enjoy reading most genres, especially comedy, drama, non-fiction, philosophical, etc
Least Favorite Genres
This is also difficult to categorise. I don't like fantasy where the plot and characters are so alien I can't follow easily. I generally don't like a lot of swearing or anything rated over 18 but I will make exceptions if the story is great.
Favorite Item Types
Anything, absolutely anything! Novel, blog, short story, poem, crossword; anything...
Least Favorite Item Types
Hmmm, when I find one, I'll let you know.
I will not review...
XGC or blatantly pushy religious or marketing material.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Worthless Angel  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angels
This is beautifully written and gives our fallen soldiers the honour and praise they deserve. I have not reviewed much poetry on WDC because I am not very familiar with all the technical stuff, but I just thought I'd let you know that this one was worth a nod. Thank you!

If you plan to work on this I have only 2 notes;
1. "I fought many battles/ that ended my earthly strife"- perhaps you are trying to put too much into a small space. it seems that you want to tell the reader of all the battles the fallen soldier fought but also that he died at war. I feel that it would be smoother if you chose one element to bring across here. The "earthly strife" part is what is difficult for me; did he have personal strife that was ended through his death/fighting in the war or was it only his national duty that caused strife because he had to fight? Or was it the fighting itself that was ended through battles? If you want to leave the ambiguity in tact, it is up to you.

2. "I represent our battles/ Our honour gained in war"- if the soldier is nameless and fameless then there is no "honour gained in war". Is that what you are trying to say here?

Thanks again for the pleasure of reading this. I might consider reading more poetry if this is what it is like.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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27
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Simple,

This is interesting, I imagine it as a sort of stand up comedy piece with a lot of expression and interaction with the dog. Perhaps the written form doesn't show it's the comedic excellence as well. I would enjoy seeing this monologue acted out very much. The character seems very relate-able and maybe a little lazy, it's endearing.

thanks
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28
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi druid,

This Chapter is good. I like the content overall and have a few suggestions in terms of grammar.

Firstly: Speaking to the second person pronoun is unusual, I really like it.

Grammar: You use "via" twice in one paragraph (third par. I think). This word is rather jargon-y and it seems forced. Perhaps revise the use of at least one of them. Perhaps an interesting juxtaposition for this par would be the idea of "touching" versus "contact". How the characters lives "touched" constantly, even though they are separated? Just a thought. The word "contact" can be in terms of communication as well as physical touch. Especially seeing as they have not met.

Great line: "Fingers flying across the touch screen with barely a thought, the phone as my primary link to you having become almost an extension of myself these past few months". (this again re-iterates the idea of touching the other character through the phone.)

Grammar: "I'm shaking now, the old feelings flooding back. It seems like yesterday you whispered your love for me over Skype, that night when you couldn't bear to go offline and we stayed up all night together." I'm sticky about repeating words too close together. In this sentence you use "night" twice. Perhaps you could revise the use of one?

Great line: "Standing under the shower, the high pressure hot water pounding me, I closed my eyes and thought of you, feeling the tension and anger slowly draining from me as if it were being washed away, down the drain with the waste water." This is vivid and visceral, I can feel the emotional ride the character is on. Great.

Grammar: "Holding my breath while I awaited your answer, fearing I knew not what, but concerned nonetheless" The grammatical layout of this sentence is difficult for me. Perhaps revise? My apologies that I can't say how to fix it, I don't want to infer meaning into your story that might not be your intention.

Great line: "pushing the green answer button which glowed in the dark like a beacon."

Overall: I like Ru, he is real, imperfect and believable. Myra seems selfish. Perhaps in later Chapters you could explain why she made such a seemingly rash decision. If you want to expand on this, you can flesh out what Ru does in the 10 years in between. Does he stop thinking about her everyday? Does he move jobs or get promoted, does his mother die (random, but I mean to imply the passing of time...)

Remember, it's your story, I'm just giving you my 2 cents.
Thanks


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Carol,

I like this new take on the classic children's story. It is exciting and a little brass, which is unexpected.

I feel that perhaps the story is not finished? What is the creature? How does the "giant of man" know abut the creature and why does he want it/her?
"Arborvitae" seems a little forced. Perhaps you can revise?

There are some particularly great lines, for example: "She tried to sound strong, but she knew the rattle in her knees made its way into her voice."
but my favourite thing about this piece is seeing and hearing the scene from the two perspectives. I can really feel the cool air and hear the sounds of the park. I can see the lack of communication that often happens when people are absorbed in their own circumstances. It is well written.

Just a suggestion; in the original story, Jack and Jill go tumbling down a hill at the end. For continuity's sake, perhaps the giant could push the two down a hill at the end? It would be a nice rounding out of this unusual version of the story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, gosh! I'm so glad I found this post. It's only taken me a couple years to figure out, but I finally know how to link a portfolio item. THANK YOU!
31
31
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angels,
This is so well written, great job! I particularly enjoyed the second paragraph where you describe the Christmas scene.
"Christmas morning was always a big affair at our house. Holiday music played in the background and the darkness outside stared jealously at the pink lights on our tree. What happens when all the presents are opened, the stockings are no longer stuffed but our stomachs are?"- very well said!
I enjoyed the driving lesson, especially the part where you reveal that the car was only going 2 miles an hour! hehe. Also, the part about the emergency brake. It seems relate-able.
Just one note; Cindy and Aundria do not sound like sibling names. It's really not a big issue (especially if this story is auto-biographical), just a note.
Thanks again, I really enjoyed this read.
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32
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hahahaha, that is great, "you're just being marooned"!! hahahaha! How unexpectedly hilarious!
thanks, this was a great story.
I don't know if USA English is different to UK English, but I think you mean to say "quay" and not "cay"?
Very well written and I enjoyed the surprise humour at the end.
33
33
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Heehee, this was a fun read. Thanks!
My only advice is to use punctuation to help the reader maintain the rhythm.
34
34
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tim,
This poem is evocative, thanks.
I enjoyed how you play on the idea of the hungry crowd and the bustling business of a city morning. The "lovely Asian girl" seems like a beacon of calm in the storm.
The speaker seems to be older (I can't explain why, perhaps it is because he is so drawn to the girl's youthfulness and "sparkle"/ he also seems to identify with the crowd of hungry men) but then he must "matriculate to my class at nine". If you do work on this poem, perhaps you could show more clearly an image of the speaker? (just a suggestion, it's your poem, after all)
In lines 3 and 4, you repeat "Behind the counter". I assume you are trying to create a parallel between the assortment of donuts up for sale and the young Asian girl as 'up for sale', however, it is a bit bumpy. Does that make sense?
Fantastic line: "licking their lips as they take a chair" this makes the link between the donuts and the girl very well.
Thanks again.
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35
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,

Firstly, please take all my comments with a bag of salt, it is just my opinion, the story is yours at the end of it all.

Thanks for this short story. You write settings beautifully and the narrator interacts with his surroundings in a smooth and believable way; "Sometimes, when it snows and no one is around, I step out into the snow without a coat, socks, or gloves. I let the snow envelop my imperfections. Once, when I was doing this, I got to thinking that the snow might bring my brother back".

I feel that the characters and plot line need a little bit of work. The brother becomes an alcoholic in a month? While that may be possible it is unlikely. Perhaps you could extend his exchange for a year or six months at least? Does he need to go to France? Could it not be that he goes to University in another town? If he does go to France, this needs to be relevant or evident in his character. Does he meet someone there that breaks his heart and sends him on this spiral?

Specifics: I like how you are trying to make the dialogue flow easily, but I think it needs a bit more work to identify the characters without having to name them after each sentence. Does that make sense? i enjoy the banter between the school boys.

Great line: "Silence obstructed our typical banter."

Question: what does Charlie want to say to the narrator?

"I was afraid to do that, though. I just found it too damn entertaining to ponder what they were writing"- the narrator seems to exhibit a bit of schizophrenia. Is he afraid to ask what they are writing about? (and if so, why?) Or is he too cocky and nonchalant to ask?

I really enjoyed the bit about Jackson entering the coffee shop and meeting Declan. Very well written.

A note on the cows: it is odd to me that the cow the narrator speaks to is male. Bulls are not normally with the herds and they also behave more aggressively that sows. I understand that you've got a 'boys club' thing going but perhaps don't reference gender in the case of the cow?

The metaphor about the wilting daisies is nice.

"The musk, yet crisp scent of Autumn pierced my nostrils." - beautiful way to describe autumn, I can here the leaves falling in the alliteration of the "s".

The title is interesting and it is what made me read the story in the beginning, however, it has social implications that are not fully explored in the story; perhaps you could show Jackson as a "typical" suburban teenage boy before he becomes the orange clad icon of social degradation. Also, perhaps you could explore the mental process or journey that makes him into what he is at the end? Why does he drink? just because he's bored? or is there a social evil that is tormenting him?

What are you trying to achieve with this piece? Alcoholism awareness? awareness of the dangers of drunk driving? the dissolution of the family unit? the loss of innocence? If you know what you want to convey, it might help shaping the characters more clearly.

So, finally, thanks again for this story, I hope you continue writing and developing your skill.
36
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Review of The Poetry Room  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I don't often review poetry but I'm glad I stumbled on this. What a creative and emotive way to explain the process of writing poetry. Thank you.
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37
Review of Edge  
Rated: E
Wow, this is lovely and terrible all at once. I am intrigued about the character's journey. Why is she fighting? This story could develop further. What happened to the edge of hope in the last paragraph? I feel like she has lost hope, I hope this is not how it ends. Thanks!
38
38
Review of Write Stuff  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, nice poem. thanks
39
39
Review of Green Eyes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This story is really well written. Were you limited by word count? Because the ending is very abrupt. There should perhaps be a line space before "five days later". Also, AIDS is like flu; there are many strains. You can be re-infected so both people having it does not mean they can have unprotected sex.
The heineken was a good thread to weave through the story and the romance was believable. Well done.
40
40
Review of Saint Spring Anew  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very Well written. The imagery is wonderful and the idea is portayed clearly. Not sure about "lachrymose"???
41
41
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well written, solid characters and an intriguing story. I would like to read more. The dialogue is great.

Some gramma points:

“Mr. Matthews, please go get a drink so that you are not disturbing the rest of the class.” This sentence is ungrammatical. Perhaps say, "so that you do not disturb the rest of the class" or "get a drink because you are disturbing the rest..."

"But this one always had god pressure and " I assume you meant "good".
42
42
Rated: E | (3.0)
Great character and entertaing story. The sentence construction is unfortunately difficult to follow which makes it a jagged read.
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